Grabby family members demanding presents

[MrsFogi]

So every year we buy a present for all the members (adult) of DH's family - they all put their orders in which are invariably money towards this and money towards that so we spend Boxing Day writing cheques to various people. And every year MIL buys something nice for each of DH and me and DH's sister puts her name on that present (she does not contribute). From other family members DH gets a variety of books on a subject he said he was interested in in about 1982 and I usually get a selection of things like tea towels - all of which goes straight to the charity shop. This year I said "Why don't we just buy presents for the children?" but DH's sister has said no (apparently she's the one who gets to decide) and has repeatedly sent me a list of presents or contributions she'd like for her and her husband's presents (starting price £35). Would it be unreasonable of me to simply say that this year we don't fancy getting involved in writing lots of cheques to other family members and that I've already got small gifts for everyone? I don't really want to fall out with them but every year I feel like I am being treated like a mug as everyone walks away with cheques from us and we have a pile of tat and one nice present from MIL. It ruins every Christmas morning as I just end up feeling very resentful.

[ChristmasSparklee]

YADNBU
They are being incredibly rude. I also don't really see the point in giving presents to adults, to me xmas is about the kids.
Am i right in guessing your dh's sister doesn't have any kids? Is she thinking its not fair if she's got to buy kids presents n then doesn't get anything in return?

This year I'm making hampers for all our parents and siblings, a mix of homemade things and some bought things too. I realised we were spending hundreds on adults who are all in positions to go out and buy whatever they want or need, it just seems silly.
I also think giving money is really inpersonal

[HappyAgainOneDay]

I don't ask what anyone wants. They are given what I choose. When it comes to teenagers whom I haven't seen for a while so don't know what they are interested in, I'll ask a parent what they do for hobbies and get a book - not a specific one; just a book about the current interest. If it's a duplicate, tough.

I often buy birthday and Christmas presents when I'm abroad because it's possible to find things that are not available in the UK (I don't buy holiday souvenirs for other people. Well, not even myself now).

[Mousefinkle]

Oxfam goat , brilliant.

Are they from a different country or culture? I only ask because DH is and his family wrote an entire christmas list out the first year we were together of stuff they wanted and asked for our list in return. This shocked me to end, my family just give you a bit of cash in a card and that's your lot. We've never and would never send each other demanding lists . BIL who was 14 at the time asked for a digital camera! I put my foot down and said they'll get what they're bloody given, they got the message and the lists went out of the window. I'm quite a bossy assertive person, don't stand for shite like that.

It's ok if you ask what someone wants and they give a reasonable suggestion but it's not ok if you haven't been asked to demand something IMO. I don't expect anything as an adult but some relatives still insist on putting a bit of cash in a card for DH and I which is kind. I just bake and make gifts for family, our DC are only children left in both sides of the family atm.

Your SIL has very bad form, I wouldn't be standing for it personally.

[Scrounger]

Rollonthesummer, no my SIL gave her husband's brother a cheque but didn't bother getting her brother anything. He normally lets it flow over him but he was really pissed off about it. They didn't bother getting either of us anything.

[TheChandler]

YANBU PIL do something like this as well, but without the cheques. They make tell you, by email, what they want, as does the whole of DH's family. I'd rather not exchange presents or just buy small gifts of my choosing. They have a lot of children between them, and increasingly ask for very expensive presents for each of them. I leave it to DH - his family's choices, not my idea to spend such a commercialised Christmas.

[velourvoyageur]

OMG yes pleeease buy them a goat!

Love it love it. Or find something on their list that resembles what Oxfam offers in its goat type range.
Like if they want a book, buy them a stack of schoolbooks for kids in underdeveloped countries.

as they would say in the Chalet School, you need to make the punishment fit the crime.

Please spend your Boxing Day getting fatter eating lovely things and NOT writing cheques for grabby grabbers, you do have a choice.

[Pelicangiraffe]

Fry it works well for everyone i know because everyone is told to spend a certain amount. So 40 exactly rather then up to 40

[rollonthesummer]

She hadn't even bothered to write a cheque for her own brother but they had written one for her BIL

Sil gave her own husband a cheque?!

[StupidFlanders]

Oh, I'm so surprised by people like this!

I feel that, as an adult, if I like something I buy it. As do my family.

Presents for adults should only be something that you saw and wanted to give them or nothing at all!

We do a secret Santa but I'm going to suggest next year we just buy small gifts for children (small family anyway) and focus on the day together as the special part.

If I were you I'd feign ignorance and restate that you already said you weren't doing presents this year!

[BuddyKringleberry]

I hope your SIL is a mumsnetter and reads this post and realises she is a total twunt x

[Lymmmummy]

YANBU - stick to your guns - why should you empty your bank accounts for them.? Perhaps a subtle way around it would be to say £10 limit on gifts for adults that way its just a tenner if you feel you can't get out of it? Or perhaps go away and avoid spending the day with them ? Or say you will make donations of £10 to a chosen charity of the recipient? Either way tell husband to deal with the communication - sounds like DSIL has a bit too much power - and he needs to end that - an email outlining your prefered option done in response to her request for gifts would be easiest

You have my sympathy as we had one like her in our family - everyone would get her £40 of vouchers becuse she was quite hard to buy for and they did not want to buy the wrong things for her - of course she was free to spend these vouchers like money - however she would always insist on getting everyone else some completley useless/ unsuitable gift which she never had the good grace to mention could be exchanged if the person didn't like it - this was made worse by her habit of forever buying awful clothes for people they never wanted or asked for - sometimes she would do this even when the person had specifically asked her not to get them clothes ?? she was the type who though her taste was so wonderful she was doing others a favour etc - in the end my DH called her bluff when after asking for a specific item from her (which was very easy to buy) she bought something different - so he told her it didn't fit so could he exchange it - (quite a big deal for him as DSIL was definitley the dominant force of the family) she was quite grumpy about it - partly because she had gotten in habit of believing her choices should never be questioned etc and partly becuse at this point she had lost the receipt etc - in the end she send him money to he value of the gift in about April !!! She didn't make it easy - but it stopped her buying crap presents as she is very mean and the thought of losing her money was enough to stop her - DH did feel slightly guilty but he had spend dozens of £40 vouchers on her and in return recieved dozens of awful gifts and had just had enough of her - Now we don't buy for them - just for MIL and children - sorry for ramble but I suppose my point is you need to somehow challenge these type of people before they will change - if cutting it dead with the adult gifts is a no no then perhaps chnage to making all adult gifts to a small value say £10 - and be prepared for a bit if grumpiness

[deadduck]

Primafacie, these gift ideas are hilarious

[MerryMarigold]

FryOne, yup happened in our family. We spent £100 (50 each) and received - I'd guess- around half of that spent on us back, clothing with (surprise, surprise) no receipts.

I am a bit that nothing costs 6.99 EXC. postage.

[FryOneFatManic]

Suggest you all do a secret Santa next year. So one adult buys for one other adult using a wish list and a set budget of £40. Means you and DH will only need to buy 2 adult gifts costing £80 in total. However you will also have £80 spent on you from your wish list

Trouble with this idea is that there are some people I know who could be given a budget of £40 and would still do their best to ensure the actual gift comes way under budget. You can't guarantee you'd get a similar amount spent in return.

[Primafacie]

Monstrous, me too! :o

And I've also given it as present to at least two friends (with GSOH).

[Purplehonesty]

Yep tell them no its the thought that counts not the cheque amount!
Say you are only buying for te kids, that's what we do. Saves a fortune, less hassle, happy kids and btw nobody bought Mary and Joseph presents, just baby!

[mausmaus]

yanbu
just tell them you already have bought gifts and leave it at that

[Stormingateacup]

Just because they ask for money toward something doesn't mean you have to give it. Don't be a doormat!

[MonstrousRatbag]

Prima,
I'm the proud owner of a Life of Christ in Cats tea towel. I love it.

[BeccadeWinter]

Primafacie - good work, though I'd be chuffed with that wolf t-shirt/masterpiece

I was thinking more along the lines of a big load of nothing:

www.iwantoneofthose.com/gift-novelty/nothing-for-the-person-who-has-everything/30000870.html

[Primafacie]

More Christmas pressy ideas and good reviews here for those who liked the Paul Ross ones:

Banana slicer: www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1GMJTRK35X938FV9YFPR&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Uranium Ore: www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

How to Avoid Huge Ships book: www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Huge-Ships-Never/dp/0881000191/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_5?ie=UTF8&refRID=00XX1VF7ZKKSXZ35844M&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Wolves tshirt: www.amazon.co.uk/The-Mountain-Sleeve-Medium-Apparel/dp/B000NZW3J8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1418230300&sr=8-2&keywords=three%20wolves%20moon%20tshirt&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Scrounger]

We had something similar, we were writing cheques / getting expensive presents for SIL & BIL (SIL is DHs sister) only they never got us anything in return. At one point I hadn't received two Christmas presents or a birthday present from them and they had done the same to DH. I know it sounds grabby to keep count but it was a total piss take.

At one point on Boxing Day my SIL phoned to ask DH if he had taken an envelop with 'X' name on it. DH's and my BIL brother's name are the same. She wanted to know it had taken the cheque meant for her DHs brother. She hadn't even bothered to write a cheque for her own brother but they had written one for her BIL. I suggested the next year that we limit presents to £25 for all (parents excepted). If they don't get us anything at least I don't feel ripped off to the tune of £150. I now enjoy Christmas a lot more, if it is more about the children and I feel less stressed about trying to find presents. It was absolutely stupid present buying and a hangover from pre-children when we had some disposable income.

I never spend anything like that with my own brother, although we do, do lists - he has a hobby building bikes so asks for specific parts. I quite like it, it saves me time and he gets what he wants.

[SoonToBeMrsB]

My DP showed me the Paul Ross canvas a couple of years ago and I still go in to laugh at the reviews

[listsandbudgets]

OP I know this is expensive but you won't mind as you've been throwing money at them for many years - now here is your opportunity to throw it down the toilet instead They can share it to cut costs and at least you'll know their christmas present to them will be truly appreciated this year thought probably not by them.

Goats are so last year

[WalkingInaWhippetWonderland]

at those reviews