to feel cheated that you can't actually have it all?

[ChocolateOrangeInASantaHat]

Many moons ago I was educated in a fantastically positive school, where as females we were taught that we could achieve anything a male could achieve and that if we worked hard enough and planned well enough, we could 'have it all' in life.

So now, with my collection of letters after my name, respectable job, 2 usually well-behaved children, lovely husband and a multitude of lists to keep life running smoothly, I'm slowly realising that it doesn't matter how hard I work or how meticulously I plan, unless I steal a bloody tardis I still can't have it all.

Feeling particularly bitter as was up all night with poorly child, who I then left with a relative to not miss work today (=feeling like rubbish mother) and then as I'd had no sleep I was not very productive at work (=also feeling like rubbish employee). Since others at my level are generally male and tend to have stay at home wives, this kind of feeling inadequate at both home and work doesn't tend to occur for them.

Honestly feeling like I should advise daughter to either:
a) marry rich man, get good prenup and focus on children/household or
b) be career driven and marry man who is happy to stay at home and focus on children/household.

AIBU to feel cheated that I can't 'have it all'? (NB in case lost in my sleep-deprivedness this is a --partially- tongue-in-cheek AIBU)

[abouttobeevicted]

I technically have it all wonderful DH 2 dds great career. but my dh gave up his career for mine last year as 2 careers and nanny was killing us as a family. I work in IT so work hard enough to be heard.
but its so hard/guitar making. when the teachers look me up and down and say " isn't it lovely that mummy is picking you up today?" or "who are you?" yet ignore my dh or phone me first as " mum should be at home" argg

[abouttobeevicted]

not guitar bloody autocorrect guilty

[SoonToBeSix]

Depends what your "all" is. Mine is my family so I do have it all. Just glad I didn't believe the lie.

[purpleroses]

I had a day like that earlier this week. Had to leave work early but both DCs failed to get themselves up on time so weren't ready, so had to leave them to see themselves out rushing to catch a train, DD still pleading for a lift... so felt like a lousy mum.

Then got a call at 4pm saying they'd both forgotten their keys and were locked out. DH 50 miles away so had to miss a meeting at work letting colleagues down in order to go home to let them in, feeling like a crap employee.

BUT it's not every day that's like that. I think it is worth remembering that any life that's full and busy is going to struggle at times when things go wrong. A sick child keeping you up all night will always be a problem, unless you'd already planned to do bugger all the following day. So good to accept that some days life is just not going to go to plan

[AMerryScot]

If you look over the whole course of your life, then perhaps you might be able to see that you can have it all.

When you are responsible for small children, then that is what dictates your life at that time. When they are older, then you can be more flexible.

You might want to do this course: //www.alpha.org.uk

[ArgyMargy]

Greengrow where are you?? YABU, OP. I have it all.

[AMerryScot]

When I was in my 20s, I had an extremely prestigious graduate job. I had my first child at 27 and I prioritised family life over travelling the world well, unglamorous parts of Europe. This wasn't good for my career, so I left.

25 years on, I can look at my former colleagues (0 or 1 child, 150k+ salary) and ask if I would trade lives with them. The answer is always an emphatic no.

[SummerSazz]

good related thread here

Greengrow was on that one Argy

[TellmetogetonwithmyWork]

I don't think I ever believed the 'having it all' stuff but I definitely feel as though I am trapped - trapped working to pay the childcare and the mortgage, but feel guilty about not being there for the DC, do a crap job at work sometimes because I have to leave at 5:30pm/2:30pm on the dot (and when I leave at 2:30 no one clicks that I have stayed 2 hours later than my working hours), on my 2 non working afternoons I have to take work calls while children scream so crap work call, unhappy children. Working at home until 1am to catch up.

I am jobhunting which I hope will improve my stress, but it is likely to be full time not my current 4 days (although fewer overall hours) and likely to be less pay. Can't win.

Sorry had to offload.

[Mintyy]

SummerSazz
I linked that thread hours ago.

[Surreyblah]

Well, we may feel drunk with tiredness at work, but plenty of male and female colleagues with no DC could well BE drunk! Or at least hungover, and easier to hide tiredness than the stale smell of booze!

To those who wonder what to say to their DDs, do you also wonder what to tell your DSs?

[QTPie]

OP, a lovely friend if mine - very well educated, two young children, lovely husband, good and challenging job - does have it all, but desperately wants a "1950's style housewife to run home life for her"

There are only 24 hours a day - you cannot do EVERYTHING...

There was a similar thread a few weeks ago. Those women with the most balanced lives tended to have (often purposefully) chosen/steered their career in a family friendly direction. I know a couple of women who are doctors (one a GP and one a Specialist) who achieve a reasonably good work/family balance. Not that either have a lot of free/me time in addition to that mind you...

[Bodicea]

I work part time so in a professional job - so feel like I have a nice balance - and can step it up again in the future. Realise this isn't possible for everyone.

I do think you aren't necessarily accurate about the fellow male collegues who have it supposedly much easier. My lo recently had a stint in hospital and my dh who has a high pressure job dropped everything and took just as much time as me off work. He puts his family first just the same as any mother.

[Sazzle41]

Who on earth believed that 80's spiel women got about having it all anyway? I was 16 when i realised most adults had probably 50% of what they wanted and spent the rest of their time trying to get the other rest of the 'all': and either achieving a bit of it & thinking thats probably as good as it gets/I am fairly happy actually or, failing to get 'all' they wanted and ending up miserable/beating themselves up about not attaining their goal of a 'perfect' life.

Maybe because i lived with two perfectionist parents who were distinctly unhappy because life and their kids hadnt measured up (despite being considered the perfect family by all and sundry) i got pretty philosphical about life quite early on. Also, an ancient song comes to mind "After you've got what you want you dont want it" - met so many people who got it 'all' then still didnt feel happy: 0r, got it all and messed it up big time. Life hey?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

What is this all of which you speak?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

The calm existence that is mine when I am worthy of myself is what I strive for.

And that mainly involves dog walking, hissing around and star gazing.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Horsing not hissing.

Sigh.

[LoisHatesChristmas]

You just can't have everything all at once, that way madness lies. I'm a very laid back person, I don't need much to make me happy but its taken me years to get to this point. Pick what's important and focus on that. Life is too short to stress about a to do list.

[wobblyweebles]

Unless you have a husband who is as likely as you are to be up all night with a poorly child, or to miss important meetings to stay home with poorly child, or to manage as much in the way of child activities as you do, then you're right - you can't have it all.

That would be because your husband has most of it and is leaving you the scraps.

[Inboxer]

Having it all means different things to different people. However the problem nowadays is that this phrase has not liberated women but put unreasonable expectations on them. You now have to be a great mum and a great boss or employee and yes it's possible but is it always enjoyable or fulfilling trying to be run two jobs simultaneously and not feeling good enough at either? Is it really feminism when a mother can earn lots of money in a high powered job but has to rely on other women - unpaid grandmothers, low paid child carers in order to do it?

By creating a climate where mothers are now 'expected' to go out and work we are ignoring the fact that motherhood is itself a full time job and juggling it with another job is possible but not necessarily fulfilling for everyone. It really is impossible to attend an important meeting and a nativity play at the same time!!!

[stillenacht1]

Chocorange I feel exactly the same. I worked so hard at school after being sold this lie. Now I'm a teacher and I refuse to perpetuate this myth.

[Inboxer]

Women have been sold a false idea of freedom, one that tells them that if they don't feel very liberated by busting a gut trying to fulfill two difficult roles at the same time then there's something wrong with us!

[aliciaj]

Wobblyweebles - why cant both parents share equally? I work full time over 3 long days and dh doesn't work so we share it out equally so no one misses out. I am lucky on top of that though as I am working in my dream professional career as well as having the children. You can have both if you have a decent husband.

[Want2bSupermum]

Totally hear you. I've got 2DC and have just gone down to a 75% schedule. Totally over raising the children, keeping the home and working full time. DH does the minimum at home so I'm doing the minimum at work.

I don't think working for us is a good idea given how much DH travels but DH is opposed to me starting my own business. Instead I'm supposed to be doing a stupid job that pays badly that is 41.25 hrs a week for a 75% schedule.

What kills me is when I go to a working mothers lunch and there are 10-15 of us in there with me being the most junior. I was thankful this last time that I wasn't the only one who has a DH who out earns them. The reality is that once you have children one parent needs to step back.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Most men I know (including my own husband) never worry about having it all. That's because they get it all - kids and career and friends and never seem to feel any guilt. I see loads of older guys at work whose wives did everything at home. But those guys have great relationships with their adult children.

IMO, basically it is impossible to rear children yourselves with 2 full-time, full-on jobs. So you either both go 75 percent or one of you goes 50 percent or one goes 100% and one focuses on childcare. Or else you contract out a lot of the childrearing stuff to a nanny. Which you choose is up to the individual family. I notice more and more of the younger staff in my company are going for the 75% each option.0

OP, the years of childrearing go quite quickly actually (you know what they say about small children, the minutes go like years and the years go like minutes). Holding onto your job and career is worth it in the end