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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP was out of order for saying we're not a family?

44 replies

Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:01

Loads of other issues going on (thread in relationships) but this one thing has cut me more than anything else.

Last night DP rationally and calmly said that we're not a family and I shouldn't think of us as one. He explained that me and him are a couple. I have kids and he has kids therefore we are a unit overall but we are not a family and never will be.

I feel so hurt by this. More than anything else he's ever said. It feels like he regarded his ex wife and kids as his family and he'll never hold me in the same light.

That's so fucking hurtful. We're supposedly engaged and yeah, as said in my other thread there are a host of other problems anyway but the fact that he thinks like this has just gutted me. AIBU?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 09/12/2014 16:02

Do you live together?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/12/2014 16:03

Wow. That is a horrible thing to say. Was it said in anger, to hurt you? What prompted it?

paperlace · 09/12/2014 16:05

I don't know your back story or other thread.

I'm sorry you are feeling so wretched.

Has there been huge friction between the kids, you and him? You sound like you have a lot of issues and problems.

I'm not sure whether it was dreadful/spiteful of him to say that or just honest - depending on the whole set up really. I guess he can't help the way he feels...

Do you want to stay in this relationship and how is it affecting the dc?

Fallingovercliffs · 09/12/2014 16:05

YANBU and I would be seriously considering where to go from here.

caramelsky · 09/12/2014 16:05

I don't know.

I am sorry he's hurt you Flowers I have to admit I never saw my Dad's partners as family, although one became a friend. I never even met their extended families.

But that's a general point, and if there are other problems then that sheds a different light on everything.

Greythorne · 09/12/2014 16:05

If it's truthful, then listen and act.

If he was trying to be mean or spiteful, also listen and act.

Original poster
Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:05

We do live together, have done for about a year and a half and we are meant to be getting married. I suppose the reason I'm asking is because if he's right to think this ... Does that mean no man should ever accept us as his family? How depressing :-(

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 09/12/2014 16:07

Well he's making quite clear where you stand in his affections.
People will tell you who they are, you just need to listen.
I read your other thread, he is an abusive man.

Original poster
Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:08

But I have met all his family, I go to the do's and he's met my family ... His kids come on a weekend, we all do stuff together, his don was going to be best man at our wedding but then he says we're not a family? So theoretically then if I go ahead and marry him, I'll never be part of a family again?

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 09/12/2014 16:09

No it doesn't mean no other man will think of you and your DC as family, although he would be delighted to think you thought so.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 09/12/2014 16:10

Nope - sorry - I wouldn't stand for that. A section of my family is made up of a second wife, her child and their family. They have become part of our family and there was never any question that it would be otherwise. I think your DP sounds cold and a bit cruel.

Original poster
Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:11

I'm just feeling down now. Facebook is full of my old school friends who have married and their oh's completely regard them as a family no matter who's kids are who's. Dp himself had tons of "family" pictures on his pc of him, his ex and the kids. I'm gutted to think nobody regards me as family in that way.

OP posts:
caramelsky · 09/12/2014 16:11

Bogwasher, I don't think so at all.

I think there are two families that partly come together and partly don't.

If you marry him you are a family as in you are husband and wife.

You and your children are also a family. He and his children are a family.

I haven't read the other thread but if you are having doubts, and if this has really hurt you, then obviously you can rethink. I'm just saying as a stand-alone statement I would probably agree with it. Others won't - that's fine.

formerbabe · 09/12/2014 16:11

If it's truthful, then listen and act.

Eh?! How's the op meant to 'act' on this issue?

Op...I can see why you're upset...I haven't read your other thread, how is the relationship otherwise?

Fallingovercliffs · 09/12/2014 16:12

I've just seen your other thread. Why on earth are you considering marrying a man who twists your words, lets you down and basically seems to treat you with no consideration or respect?

LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 16:13

Bog, you know from your other thread this man is an abusive fuckwit. Anything he says is bollocks.

paperlace · 09/12/2014 16:13

Ok I'll take Jackie's word for it and if he's abusive then stop second guessing and worrying over every insult or dig and start making plans to leave (I know it's not easy) Thanks

BUT on a slightly different note there is this tendency for people to fall in love and desperately want everyone in a step family scenario to all feel like one big happy family, when frankly sometimes people don't and never will. It's not a crime not to love your stepchildren or stepparent. However much the person or two people in love are, 'blended' families don't always blend. There isn't always harmony. Sometimes it's fucking hard and, yes, unhappy.

simontowers2 · 09/12/2014 16:15

Reading your other thread OP methinks your desparation to be married and part of a family at all costs is clouding your judgement.

Original poster
Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:15

I'm not, deep down I know we won't marry. I'm already planning an exit. I just can't get these words out of my head. "We're not a family and never will be"
Well great, is that me "familyless" forever then because you only get one chance at this?? I just didn't realise that he felt we were not a family. I loved him so much. Just had a major think today and the realisation of the whole situation has hit me like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:17

I'm not desperate to be married at all, I just feel hurt because I feel like I've been lead on, lied to and shit on basically.

OP posts:
caramelsky · 09/12/2014 16:18

Agree paperlace

Bogwasher I think you're really getting hung up on this.

You are NOT "familyless". You already HAVE a family because you have children. What you will be is single and this may or may not change in the future.

LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 16:20

Please do The Freedom Programme before you even think of dating again.

MrsMook · 09/12/2014 16:27

Living together is an act of creating family. To disregard that is a huge red flag. I haven't read the other thread.

When the right person, and the right time come together, a family will form.

Family is not a perfect unit, it can be very tough, but it is formed on loyalty, respect and love, even where there is conflict.

He has announced that this is a lost cause.

Chasingsquirrels · 09/12/2014 16:27

I have been living with my DP for 2 years, I have 2 children who live mostly with us, he has 2 children I've barely met.

I don't see us as a family - I see "me & DP" together and "me & my boys" as a family. We do stuff together "as a family" and he happily participates and suggests things and does things for the boys and helps with logistics etc. BUT I don't feel like the four of us living in the household are "a family unit".

I don't think that detracts from what we have, which is fantastic, but it is how I feel.
I don't think the fact that I feel like this means my DP should leave (which is what people are suggesting re the O's situation).

However, it seems like there is other things going on for the OP, not just this point, so maybe it is the thing you are "hanging your hat on"?

KnittingChristmasJumpers · 09/12/2014 16:36

No, sorry this is absolute bull.

My family is complicated the generation up from mine so I grew up with a (step) Great Grandma, a (step) Grandad, (step) Aunts and Uncles, (adopted) Aunts, (step and adopted) cousins.

Now take out all of the brackets and that is my family. Honestly, my Grandad was closer family for me than my biological grandfather and I never considered anyone non-family. That's the way it should be - we made our own family out of the bits and pieces of different families and adopted in extra people who needed it. If your not-so-DP doesn't think of you as family then sod him. Honestly.