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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP was out of order for saying we're not a family?

44 replies

Bogwasher · 09/12/2014 16:01

Loads of other issues going on (thread in relationships) but this one thing has cut me more than anything else.

Last night DP rationally and calmly said that we're not a family and I shouldn't think of us as one. He explained that me and him are a couple. I have kids and he has kids therefore we are a unit overall but we are not a family and never will be.

I feel so hurt by this. More than anything else he's ever said. It feels like he regarded his ex wife and kids as his family and he'll never hold me in the same light.

That's so fucking hurtful. We're supposedly engaged and yeah, as said in my other thread there are a host of other problems anyway but the fact that he thinks like this has just gutted me. AIBU?

OP posts:

caramelsky · 09/12/2014 16:44

yy squirrels

Coyoacan · 09/12/2014 16:45

"We're not a family and never will be" Well yes, we have all have someone in our family who is a pain in the arse, but do you really want to add another one?

simontowers2 · 09/12/2014 16:49

The thing is OP, if you have kids you are a family. Why do you need a bloke to validate the family unit? What about your kids? They make you a family. Step-families are always problematic IME in any case - you only need read the number of threads on that subject to realise that. Sometimes wonder whether people rush into them, on the re-bound.

MaidOfStars · 09/12/2014 16:52

"Family" is what you choose it to be, IMO. Legally there are specific definitions, perhaps, but they don't fly in my social construction. I have people with whom I share not one drop of blood but who I consider absolutely to be family.

Gawjushun · 09/12/2014 16:58

What a horrible guy. I am glad to hear you've reconsidered marrying him.

A family unit doesn't have to be two parents and their biological children. There are all sorts of combos. Right now you can be a single parent family, maybe down the line you'll meet someone who will want to join the family unit and then your families will blend. Either way, what matters is that you are happy and surrounded by loved ones.

In my experience, I consider my stepdad to be 'dad', and I'm closer to his side of the family than my miserable biological lot!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2014 17:17

'I just can't get these words out of my head. "We're not a family and never will be"'
Hold on to that thought. He is being perfectly clear here. You describe him as saying this "rationally and calmly" so this is something he is being very definite about, it has not been said in anger because he knew it would hurt you. This is his genuine belief.

I would not subject my children to this man. To having to live with someone who regards them in this way. It would not be fair on the children.

"I suppose the reason I'm asking is because if he's right to think this ... Does that mean no man should ever accept us as his family?"
Step away from the crazy man! He is absolutely NOT right to think this. And he has obviously done a number on you that you could even be considering he might be. A real man would not only accept, he would positively embrace you as his family. He is not a real man, just a sad little fuckwit who fooled you for a time.

Glad to hear you are planning your exit. The sooner the better, once you are rid of his malign influence you can get your head onto an even keel.

misskangaandroo2014 · 09/12/2014 17:34

He is awful.
Yes a blended family is still a family. OK those relationships can be very complicated but I consider my cousin's spouses (and any children whatever the parentage) family, my husband's family includes step everythings and he's taken to my daughters as his family too.
Before affection and love comes a caring and supportive attitude before that genuine interest and consideration.
Yes, there are people out there who can and will become part of your family. In the meantime spend some quality time with the family that is yours, feel the affection rely on the trust. It's a powerful thing.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 17:38

Yanbu and that that would be a massive dealbreaker tgat would seal the fate of the relationship. You are a blended family, with your dc and his dc, how wrong of him.

aprilanne · 09/12/2014 18:25

oh bogwasher .i understand you will be feeling retched .but to be honest if this is how he feels why are you thinking of marrying him .my son,s partner had a little girl before they met .but she is as much my grandaughter as the baby .to me she is my son,s family .we are family a little bit of blood does,nt make any diffrence .and whoa betide the first one who ever said she was,nt .if this is one of a long line of issues i would think about just being with my children .you come as a package you /him and all the children if he can,t accept that .then tell him where to go .

JoffreyBaratheon · 09/12/2014 20:05

I know exactly how you feel OP. Years ago I ended my marriage and caused all kinds of pain to my own kids to be with a man who I saw at the time as my (new) partner. Then he said one day to someone who he knew would tell me that he would never marry me. (I had a toddler and was pregnant with a second child by him). Now I had never wanted him to propose. He made me feel like I had been pressurising him to marry me. I hadn't. But the fact he'd say that to someone - I found humiliating and painful. He might think that but should never have said it. Now I think of it, he also once looked me in the eye and said "You know, I love (oldest son's name) far more than I will ever love you."

I left him not long after.

Two years later the family court had him evaluated by a psychiatrist and it turned out he had a personality disorder.

Mrsstarlord · 09/12/2014 20:11

Family is not about blood its about love. I don't understand people who can live with a partner with kids and not consider them to be family.

YANBU in my opinion, I would also be very upset and angry. Just because he is a knob doesn't mean that all men are, he is not your only chance at a happy family tbh doesn't even seem that he is any chance of a happy family

Flimflammer · 09/12/2014 20:52

You said that you have children so what on earth do you mean saying"I will never be part of anyone's family"?

Why do you need a man to complete your family? Do your children still see their father? It sounds like this relationship is wrong for you and your children, but you need to look at yourself and realise how lucky you are to have the family you have before restarting the husband hunt. I hope things work out for you.

thegreylady · 09/12/2014 21:01

My dh has dc and I have dc when we married we both declared that we were one family and so we have remained for 26 years. I could not be a man who said my dc and I were not part of his family. My lovely dgc would not be all cousins which is how they see one another.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 10/12/2014 09:42

Oh OP I really feel for you. What a shitty thing to say you while at the same time 'planning' to marry you. It most definitely does not mean that you will never be part of anyone's family, but it does most definitely show you where you are on his list of priorities. Remember, this no reflection on you!

YYYY to getting your exit plan together, and executing it sooner rather than later - surely what he's telling you shows you that you are right to do so?

Definitely look at the freedom programme too. All the best to you

DustInTheWind · 10/12/2014 10:17

'That's the way it should be - we made our own family out of the bits and pieces of different families and adopted in extra people who needed it. If your not-so-DP doesn't think of you as family then sod him. Honestly.'

Well said, Knitting and a happy Christmas to you!
I've seen so many different versions of family that work brilliantly, all based on inclusion and acceptance and feeling like family.
Why should the man whom you love, and who is suposed to love you if he's marrying you, why would he want to make you feel so devastated?
Does he like manipulative headgames?

Davsmum · 10/12/2014 13:13

If your DP wants to marry you, He should be accepting you AND your children as his family. If he doesn't then I don't think you should inflict him on your children.
It could be a misguided loyalty to his 'old' family?

Whatever though,..He does not seem to be 'all in' with you and your children and that should be enough to show you he is the wrong man for you.

MistressDeeCee · 10/12/2014 13:35

What an absolutely horrid thing to say..and for him to go on to explain it in full detail shows how cruel he is. He knows he is being spitefully hurtful. This kind of man..you may as well cry without him as opposed to with him.

ChristmasMarketCrazy · 10/12/2014 15:25

well fuck him!
dp and I are engaged and have no children, I consider him and I to be a family.
you need to tell him how much this has upset you.

Bonsoir · 11/12/2014 18:20

I think you are overthinking this. Families don't blend easily.

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