To think my PILs are total idiots?

[19lottie82]

My DHs parents rent a house with a large shed that hey have converted into a small stable block which they in turn rent to a woman so her horses can be kept there at night, there are no other equestrian facilities there.

His parents, well DF in particular has a bit of a history of being selfish and not really thinking about the consequences of things. They have two other children who are NC for various reasons and my DH does lots for them, going out of his way all the time, which IMO they never really seem to appreciate.

Anyway. DH has two girls DSD10 and DSD14, who live with us half the time and their mother half the time. We stay about 8 miles away and their mother 3 miles away from the PILs.

FIL calls DH last night, can you come round tomorrow after work? Why asks DH. Oh we've bought DSD10 a PONY, it's just been delivered and we want to give it to her! WTAF?

First off DH is absolutely fuming no one spoke to him about this and that aside the practicalities include

1. DSD has never shown anything more than a general ten year olds interest in riding. She likes to ooh and ah when we see horses, but has only been for three lessons in her whole life. She does not know how to ride a pony or care for one. (Neither do my PILs) she has no clue about safety related matters nor does she own any equipment.

2. she already goes to dance classes which take up two nights a week 5-830 and all day Saturday.

3. neither us, or her mum stay within walking distance of the PILs, so do they expect us to run her to and from it twice a day maybe more? PILs will not assist with this, I know this for a fact.

4. the house that they rent is far too big for the PILs and ey constantly talk about giving it up and buying a small bungalow as my PIL is VERY overweight and is finding the stairs more and more of a struggle all the time. What will happen to the pony then?

5. the PILs have said they will cover the costs of keeping the pony but tbh I don't think they appreciate how much this will amount to! FIL is not short of a bob or two but he is known for getting very irate at the cost of things, and I think he will be in for a nasty shock.

We think the woman who owns the two horses who are kept there at night may have agreed to help a bit, but the situation is still totally ridiculous. Due to my husbands work and the fact that time is split 50/50 with their mother and the girls dancing we don't get enough quality time with the girls as it is, making multiple 18 mile trips every weekend we have the kids, just won't work.

When DH asked his parents what they were thinking and said it was a bad idea his DF called him all the names under the sun, accused him of not caring about his daughter and said its here now, it can't go back.

I'm just speechless. How can they even think for one second that this is a good idea?

Please tell us we ANBU!

"the PILs have said they will cover the costs of keeping the pony"
Maybe you need to make it explicit to them just what those costs are? Maybe start making a list of all the cost involved (TheWitTank's post of 13:54:48 would be a good starting point) and give the list to both PIL and DSD's mother.

As an aside, you said "I look forward to seeing what DSD14 gets for Xmas...... £50 in a card is the usual." Do the PIL practice favouritism?

It might be worth moving this to the Tack Room.

Because at the end of the day they are the DSDs grandparents and they love them. That's why.

Loving someone doesn't mean that there's a healthy relationship or one which should be encouraged. I take the point that it's not your place to say, and that your husband has the last word and I think that you are completely correct that you cannot suggest or encourage it.

However, in general, I don't think that 'love' is necessarily a good enough reason to expose a child to behaviour which will damage them in the long run. It does sound like there is a lot of potential heartbreak for the children involved in this situation, both for the girl who will be lumbered with a pony that is inevitably returned at some point and for her sister who will probably wonder why she hasn't received such an extravagant gift which the whole family will have to put themselves out to accommodate. You have to wonder whether love will heal that, or whether the negative impact will outweigh the positive.

Absolutely don't let DSD ride the pony before you've got a qualified, experienced adult to do so. If they're not horsey people, how do they know that the pony is broken in and isn't going to spook/buck? Has it been ridden before, or have they bought a 3 year old that's a 'bargain'? Is it passported and chipped? Has it been vaccinated and wormed? Tack? Shoes? None of you have much experience with horses, and it sounds like none of the basic checks that should be done before buying a horse have been carried out.

Personally, I agree with MaryWestmacott that you should be staying well away until the horse has gone, but if DSD's mum takes her to see the horse, I'd strongly advise that she pays for a vet and instructor from a local riding school to do an inspection before DSD tries to ride the thing.

I don't think you can be assured that all safety measures are in place unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a 4th responsible adult is around to care for the pony and supervise and teach when the DSD is there.

There might be 3 other adults involved, but they don't seem to know what they are doing.

To be fair, it isn't your responsibility, it is your DH's. However, I really don't think this is a situation where you can just let them get on with it. Riding accidents can result in permanent, life altering injuries, and as has been mentioned already, even handling a horse in a stable can be dangerous.

Wow - I would just refuse to engage and tell the PILs that when your DD is with you will not have to time to go over to clean, feed, exercise, train the pony.
Do not get involved in this - it's their mess.
This is one of the daftest things I have come across!

Even the very nicest of equines can hurt you unintentionally. I've recently had a terrible black eye from tacking up where the horse threw it's head at a noise and walloped me. I've been trodden on, squidged against stable walls, knocked over. Even little things like turning your pony in the field can be dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. Especially if you are turning out with other horses in the field. 'Bombproof' ponies basically don't exist. Every animal has its limits. We class my friends horse as absolutely bombproof. He normally is. We encountered a horse and cart recently, he was terrified and tried to bolt. Never ever done this before. You need patience, understanding, and a love for horses to put up with everything. It can be immensely rewarding, but is time life consuming, expensive, hard work and occasionally painful!
Good luck OP. You are obviously the voice of reason in a household of stupidity. Show DH this thread.

YANBU your PIL are insane certainly.
But you can't stop them, so you need a strategy - I don't think that itemising all the costs for them as PP have suggested is the way - that's getting too involved.
You make it clear that your general schedule is not going to change, you are not going to be suddenly multiplying the amount of time you spend there, nor are you going to be contributing financially. Yes it is all going to end in tears but that can't be helped. You can't fix people.

YANBU. They're idiots and thoughtless and cruel, too.

The poor fucking pony. At best it will find itself resold soon enough to yet another new home. At worst it could end up badly schooled/socialised and so will be a nuisance, through no fault of its own; and it could well end up being badly neglected.

Has your DH asked his father what he thinks will happen when the woman who currently keeps her horse there moves on? And/or when PILs themselves move?

Crikey! Ask DH how he'd have felt if they'd bought her a car with a dog thrown in - which would be similar!

Jesus. This is such a bad idea on so many levels.

Many PP have raised excellent points about keeping a horse/pony. It's not the buying it's the upkeep.

I wouldn't accept any financial input if I was you. My concerns would be farriery, turn out & vets/illnesses.

I hope that this other woman is able to help however keeping 2 horses in winter is tough enough without having to look after someone else's.

What a nightmare for you and the poor pony.

The thing is you are involved - you know it is likely that the children will witness the mistreatment of an animal and potentially be put in danger, all because of ignorance.

If you took your children to a riding school and you found out that the horses were being mistreated, as a responsible member of society you would report them to the RSPCA. However, more than that, if your DH is going to allow the children near the pony, (and if the mother doesn't have a problem with the idea how can he stop this?), it is his responsibility as a parent to do whatever he can to make sure his daughter is safe.

I don't think it will be much consolation to know that the situation was his parents' or his ex-wife's fault if his daughter ends up in intensive care. Even if he can go NC with his parents, he can't exactly force his children to go NC with his wife, so his first line of defence is to inform them of the risks, costs and responsibilities of owning a horse. You can even shift the blame onto the person who gave them the unsuitable pony in the first place so everyone saves face.

I agree that you can't fix people, but this isn't about fixing anyone, it's about not allowing them to jeopardise the safety of children.

This sounds so so terrible? Realistically OP, you know them, are your pils the type of stupid selfish idiots to neglect this creature? Ie if you don't take dsd over on your days will they just leave it shut up till dsd goes over with her mum? Will her mum get bored and make other plans for a fun day out with her and dsd and therefore neglect the animal when it is her turn to look after it? Do your pils/ex go away often?

sorry, ex wife.

I haven't read the full thread but I feel sorry for the pony. who is going to pay for the upkeep? PIL?

as so many others have said horses are a massive commitment and expense. Especially in the winter months!

I wouldn't let DSD ride it at all. If she goes on it once (assuming it is safe, has tack etc) PIL will use that as leverage to keep the pony

If it can't be sent back, I think all you can do is wait and if/when it shows the first signs of neglect, report it.

www.bhs.org.uk/~/media/BHS/Files/PDF%20Documents/The%20Cost%20of%20Keeping%20a%20Horse%20or%20Pony.ashx

Holy shit. That's one expensive 'gift'.

Absolutely don't let DSD ride the pony before you've got a qualified, experienced adult to do so.

This ^

If the pony is assessed on more than one occasion, by someone properly qualified, as safe for your DSD to ride, please then only allow her to ride it in lessons with a qualified instructor. Jumping on and riding it round a field or, even worse, on the roads could be very dangerous.

Also, please, please make sure she has a properly fitted helmet to wear when she is leading the pony as well as riding it.

This whole idea is a minefield and either your DSD or the pony is likely to come out of it badly. There are so many things you learn to do to keep yourself safe round horses and the animals themselves safe too, that none of you is going to know about that someone or the pony is very likely to get hurt.

Regardless of everything else, is there a way you can exchange phone numbers with the lady who is already stabling there? That way if she feels the pony is being neglected she will be able to call you and you can deal with that issue with PiLs (or DH can) or RSPCA if needed. She shouldn't be put in the middle of taking full care of the pony because he is being neglected.

I am really gobsmacked at the idea of a 'gift pony' without an awful lot of discussion with the parents and especially the child involved, even if the child was horse-mad! My parents didn't allow me to have a horse of my own until I was in my teens because of the responsibility involved in horse ownership. Prior to that they leased a horse for me until I could prove that I was 1-responsible enough to see to the care myself and 2-a good enough rider to be control and ride a horse with confidence 100% on my own.

The problem is we're also assuming the woman who rents the stables knows what she's doing. If she's "all gear, no idea" it will be the blind leading the blind with no adult qualified to be in charge of the situation.

As a horse owner with 20+ years experience I can see so many ways this could go wrong!

Where in the country are you OP? Someone might be able to suggest a local, experienced instructor to assess the pony.

who is buying the riding hat, body protector etc?

Utterly utterly mental, and I say that as someone who has horses.

It is phenomenally unfair on the pony to do anything other than make sure it goes back to its previous home.

They need a lot of care and attention, a lot of specialist knowledge and handling, and the ongoing costs are massive.

It could also be unsafe for your daughter to be anywhere near him. How do you know if he is safe and quiet to handle? Well schooled?

An utterly bonkers thing to do and one which I would be hopping mad at.

No child of mine would be going anywhere near an untested, unvetted pony. I wouldn't give a fuck who it offends.

Do not the child ride the pony until you have checked it's history, seen it ridden and had it vetted and the tack checked. Even experienced riders make mistakes buying horses, my mistake reared up and threw himself on top of me....Buying childrens ponies is not something done on a whim.
In practical terms if you end up stuck with it, get it insured ASAP. The pony needs to be turned out to grass, with company at least during the day otherwise even a sensible pony will turn into a loon very quickly. Get it wormed and find a registered farrier. Buy the pony club manual which is a good basic guide to horse care.Your PIL need to fully understand the costs and responsibilities involved. Managing the health of little ponies can be tricky, they get fat easily and need careful management of food and exercise otherwise they risk a condition called laminitis which affects the feet. They are not always easier to look after than horses.

Complete madness. Aside from everything else, cost, lack of facilities, lack of knowledge, lack of time, the most serious issue is the safety aspect of the whole idiotic decisions. A child that has had a few riding lessons is not ready for her own pony and finding a suitable first pony even for a more experienced child requires a lot of skill, luck and time.

DSD should not ride or handle the pony until it is assessed. Handling can be as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than riding. A pony's kick can easily make contact with a child's head, a spooked pony will knock over and trample a child; be very very careful.