To think my PILs are total idiots?

[19lottie82]

My DHs parents rent a house with a large shed that hey have converted into a small stable block which they in turn rent to a woman so her horses can be kept there at night, there are no other equestrian facilities there.

His parents, well DF in particular has a bit of a history of being selfish and not really thinking about the consequences of things. They have two other children who are NC for various reasons and my DH does lots for them, going out of his way all the time, which IMO they never really seem to appreciate.

Anyway. DH has two girls DSD10 and DSD14, who live with us half the time and their mother half the time. We stay about 8 miles away and their mother 3 miles away from the PILs.

FIL calls DH last night, can you come round tomorrow after work? Why asks DH. Oh we've bought DSD10 a PONY, it's just been delivered and we want to give it to her! WTAF?

First off DH is absolutely fuming no one spoke to him about this and that aside the practicalities include

1. DSD has never shown anything more than a general ten year olds interest in riding. She likes to ooh and ah when we see horses, but has only been for three lessons in her whole life. She does not know how to ride a pony or care for one. (Neither do my PILs) she has no clue about safety related matters nor does she own any equipment.

2. she already goes to dance classes which take up two nights a week 5-830 and all day Saturday.

3. neither us, or her mum stay within walking distance of the PILs, so do they expect us to run her to and from it twice a day maybe more? PILs will not assist with this, I know this for a fact.

4. the house that they rent is far too big for the PILs and ey constantly talk about giving it up and buying a small bungalow as my PIL is VERY overweight and is finding the stairs more and more of a struggle all the time. What will happen to the pony then?

5. the PILs have said they will cover the costs of keeping the pony but tbh I don't think they appreciate how much this will amount to! FIL is not short of a bob or two but he is known for getting very irate at the cost of things, and I think he will be in for a nasty shock.

We think the woman who owns the two horses who are kept there at night may have agreed to help a bit, but the situation is still totally ridiculous. Due to my husbands work and the fact that time is split 50/50 with their mother and the girls dancing we don't get enough quality time with the girls as it is, making multiple 18 mile trips every weekend we have the kids, just won't work.

When DH asked his parents what they were thinking and said it was a bad idea his DF called him all the names under the sun, accused him of not caring about his daughter and said its here now, it can't go back.

I'm just speechless. How can they even think for one second that this is a good idea?

Please tell us we ANBU!

I think NC isn't going to have much effect because the girl's mum can take them to see the PIL with or without the co-operation of the OP and her DH.

Attila. Because at the end of the day they are the DSDs grandparents and they love them. That's why.

Going NC is not for everybody. I absolutely respect anyone who makes that decision, I haven't ruled it out myself, and I know that it is not lightly undertaken. But its just not as simple as 'go NC' for everyone. So I get it OP.

However, I do think that you and DH need to be absolutely rock solid about not getting involved with this pony situation. There are 3 other adults who are well up for it madly apparently so let them get on with it. Of course you will want to find out that the pony is suitable for children etc but apart from that, wash your hands of it. And in general, I think it needs to be all about the boundaries with your PILs for you and DH. They sound like very difficult, controlling people who need to be kept at arm's length for your own sanity.

Such people like your DH's parents tend to either over value or under value the relationship with their grandchildren. They likely also not show or take very much interest in their lives.

What do you think when they interact with their grandchildren?. They hardly know them particularly if they buy a horse for someone who really is not mad keen on horses; its for their benefit and not your child's.

Do you have any additional details about the pony yet? Size, breed, age?
I really feel for you, it's a beyond ridiculous present. Have you any horsey friends who can come up and have a good look at the pony and perhaps ride it before putting any children aboard? Be very careful even with ground handling as I can vouch that being bitten and kicked bloody hurts! In fact I have had more injuries on the ground than from falling off!
Have you got a riding hat and back protector?
Good luck OP, I hope PIL come round to realising what a ridiculous mistake they have made. You are absolutely NBU.

Where will the poor pony be all day? Not in the shedstable I hope?

If all your going to do is stand back why did you bother posting?

I was being flippantly serious about nc. But no reason why distance couldn't be kept til animal left.

I really can't believe you are going along with it. Frankly you are no better than the pils then.

Personally I would not ask for advice from the rspca as that means you are taking on responsibility for the pony which you absolutely do not want to do. This is the in laws issue let them sort it out

Maybe just say that you are having nothing to do with the pony and when dsd are with you then you will not be taking them to see the pony.

But actually OP, NC until the horse goes would be effective - yes the mum can take DSD, but you don't. So they have to find a solution for the 50% of the time that you have DSD. You won't get involved, so they have to find the money to fund the horse from PIL and her mum (perhaps get DP to tell her he's refusing to pay for it, so does she understand she's making a £X a month commitment if she says she'll fund the horse? Get someone on here to give you a set amount to tell her, that might focus the mind).

Then step back. Don't contact them. Don't go at Christmas, don't have anything to do with them until you are told the horse is gone.

It's not a tiff, it's an attempt to control you and your finances, I would have no problem with just saying that's your line, they can chose or not to cross it.

Whoever they got the horse from could take it back, or they could find another solution. Refuse to engage other than to confirm you won't have anything to do with them and the horse, they will find another solution.

My suggestion of nc was in relation to the pony, do not visit them at home with the pony, don't take your dsd etc. Her mum can do that if she wishes.
I know it's tough and I do really feel for you this is a horrible situation not of your making,
But if you go along with it and take your dsd etc then you are complicit and showing them that such behaviour is ok. I just cannot see a way in which either your dsd is not unsafe nor the pony neglected. Unless your pil are willing to pay huge amounts for training, livery, equipment....

Has the mum really thought it through? Has she just been told that the PIL are buying a pony and they are going to deal with everything? Has she thought about the consequences of putting her child on a pony with no back-up and no knowledge of the pony?

Have any of them done the sums and calculated how much they need to spend? Anybody can buy a horse (and it seems that this horse might have been given to them) - its upkeep is quite another matter - that is why people who have horses are either very rich or very dedicated. I also suspect that if the PIL are as bad at communicating as you say (two NC children, their attitude to their third child), their perception of how much help this woman said she would give and the reality is very, very different.

Also, given that they don't own the property they live in and they are elderly, who is going to pay for the upkeep of this pony and where is it going to be stabled if they have to move? It's not as though they can give the property to you - is the children's mum going to meet any of these costs?

I don't get the impression that the other parties involved have yet seen the costs, care and risk involved in owning a pony itemised on a piece of paper. I think you have to do this at least, and it shouldn't be too hard to find out details.

I think everybody has a responsibility to do what they can when they are aware that an animal is being mistreated, and you are too close to the situation to sit back and do nothing - for your DSD's sake if nobody else's.

Contacting the RSPCA or a rescue organisation for advice does not mean that you are in anyway taking responsibility for dealing with pony - it just means you are getting advice.

No point telling the OP that she should say the girls won't be visiting until the pony goes as the mother will be taking them.

Why should the mum sort it? It's his parents, after all.

That said, YANBU. The situation is absurd and the pony will have to go back, somewhere. One hopes before it is actually presented as a gift.

I, too, am at the No Contact advice. It's an extreme measure that resolves very little in most cases, only to be employed when nothing else works. My father went no contact with his sister over a tiff about who would sit in the aisle seat of the pew at my cousin's wedding.

It's not my choice to make even if I wanted to go NC, they are my husbands parents and my step children's grandparents. Not my parents. I can offer my DH advice but I can't TELL him what to do and vice versa.

Spring, why should the mother sort it? Well she's all for it so her enthusiasm seems like a good indicator to me!

Why should the mum sort it?

Because she has supported the idea of the PIL getting a pony for her daughter.

Wow. My PILS are awful but this is beyond selfish and irresponsible.

Talk about trying to make you the bad guy :(

I would focus on the safety aspect of it, and try and get DSD's mother to understand that bit too. That's the bit that would really worry me as a parent. Horseriding is dangerous, even when you do know what you're doing.

How throughly stupid of them! I'm on your behalf! Bloody idiots.

The only thing you can reasonably do then op is advise PIL/DH that they will need to get the child riding lessons on the pony once a week (be prepared for £££), ensure she is adequately attired with helmet, boots and back protector (no second hand must be new) and make sure that the pony is being cared for correctly. Turned out, fed, watered, groomed, shod/trimmed, saddled (fitted by a saddler), rugged if necessary, mucked out, wormed and ridden. I'm not sure if I had missed anything, but I haven't seen anything about turn out. Have they got paddocks? They can't just stick a pony in a stable all day every day, especially if it is not being ridden daily. If they try this, good luck the next person who gets on! See you in the next County! Or at the hospital.

I understand it's a really tricky one as you are the step mum, but you need to drum into DH that it's a pony, not a toy. They can be dangerous, ridden or on the ground.

"Apparently they got the pony from a cousin of the MIL who owns a farm or something."
So it can go back.

the mum should sort it and more importantly, understand she will have to pay for it because she's saying 'yes' to a horse when the dad is saying 'no'. They are divorced/separated, the dad doesn't get to stop his DD having a horse if the mum wants to provide that, but he does get to refuse to have anything to do with it or enable her to have a horse, by refusing to pay for it or use his contact time to ferry her around to ride it.

Perhaps just spelling out the full costs to the mum and that it will be her the bills come to will be enough to get her giving a united front that it's a 'no'.

perhaps suggest to your DH that until the horse goes, if the PIL want to see the DSDs they come to you, not non-contact with the PIL but suggest he goes non-contact with the horse?!?!

Oh my god what Fucking idiots. Have they even got anywhere to graze it? Even the hardiest of ponies need care, attention and money.

I just can't see this having a good outcome for the poor pony. It makes me rage that any old idiot can buy a pony. Should have to apply for a licence first.

Mary - PIL have never even been to our place....... We stay on a top floor flat so it would be impossible for FIL to visit due to his health problems. And to be honest re the NC issue I would not suggest it. IF my DH made that decision I would support him, as I would practically all of his choices but I wouldn't suggest it. His dad's a bit of an arse (his mums just a bit meek and would never question any of his decisions) but at the end of the day he's still his dad and the girls grandad.

My suggestion to him will be to make sure all the safety measures are in place and then stay well out of it. As someone else has pointed out there are three other adults all on board with the situation even if we are not. We have asked FIL to send the pony back and he has refused. It's being kept on his property so we can't force it.