To think my PILs are total idiots?

[19lottie82]

My DHs parents rent a house with a large shed that hey have converted into a small stable block which they in turn rent to a woman so her horses can be kept there at night, there are no other equestrian facilities there.

His parents, well DF in particular has a bit of a history of being selfish and not really thinking about the consequences of things. They have two other children who are NC for various reasons and my DH does lots for them, going out of his way all the time, which IMO they never really seem to appreciate.

Anyway. DH has two girls DSD10 and DSD14, who live with us half the time and their mother half the time. We stay about 8 miles away and their mother 3 miles away from the PILs.

FIL calls DH last night, can you come round tomorrow after work? Why asks DH. Oh we've bought DSD10 a PONY, it's just been delivered and we want to give it to her! WTAF?

First off DH is absolutely fuming no one spoke to him about this and that aside the practicalities include

1. DSD has never shown anything more than a general ten year olds interest in riding. She likes to ooh and ah when we see horses, but has only been for three lessons in her whole life. She does not know how to ride a pony or care for one. (Neither do my PILs) she has no clue about safety related matters nor does she own any equipment.

2. she already goes to dance classes which take up two nights a week 5-830 and all day Saturday.

3. neither us, or her mum stay within walking distance of the PILs, so do they expect us to run her to and from it twice a day maybe more? PILs will not assist with this, I know this for a fact.

4. the house that they rent is far too big for the PILs and ey constantly talk about giving it up and buying a small bungalow as my PIL is VERY overweight and is finding the stairs more and more of a struggle all the time. What will happen to the pony then?

5. the PILs have said they will cover the costs of keeping the pony but tbh I don't think they appreciate how much this will amount to! FIL is not short of a bob or two but he is known for getting very irate at the cost of things, and I think he will be in for a nasty shock.

We think the woman who owns the two horses who are kept there at night may have agreed to help a bit, but the situation is still totally ridiculous. Due to my husbands work and the fact that time is split 50/50 with their mother and the girls dancing we don't get enough quality time with the girls as it is, making multiple 18 mile trips every weekend we have the kids, just won't work.

When DH asked his parents what they were thinking and said it was a bad idea his DF called him all the names under the sun, accused him of not caring about his daughter and said its here now, it can't go back.

I'm just speechless. How can they even think for one second that this is a good idea?

Please tell us we ANBU!

PILs say pony isn't going back . The woman who keeps the other two horses there has obviously agreed to help but this one isn't a full time solution, so don't think the rspca would be interested at this point.

It's just going to break my heart seeing how excited DSD will be when we next pick her up, when I know it's just going to end In tears.

the RSPCA only get involved in acts of definite cruelty and lack of food and water.

Sorry I should clarify I would be calling the RSPCA for advice at this point only.

I would not present the horse as a gift and I would be explaining TO DSD exactly what is going on, she is old enough to hear it?

I would be tempted to go no contact about this with the PILS.

Madness! I was going to suggest you need a united front with your DSD's mother, but you've since posted to say that won't be an option. In which case I have nothing useful to suggest.

I, too, am wondering what the ILs have in mind for the other DSD - a pair of alpacas, perhaps?

If they are insisting on keeping it you may not be able to do much yet by the sound of it. There are people who will care for horses where they are kept on a freelance basis- sometimes individuals and sometimes companies who employ staff. I used one while pregnant and it cost £10 an hour for care (on top of all the other costs of food shoes wormer etc.) It may be worth looking into whether this is possible in your area- as PILS have said they will cover costs and are insistent pony is staying. At least then the poor thing will be looked after appropriately and you won't have to worry about it! What county are you in- in case I can recommend a company?

No YADNBU. Your PILs are being idiots. I know a couple of people who have horses / ponies and know that they require an astronomical amount of time and money to look after properly. I would be pissed if my ILs bought my DD a hamster without asking me first, let alone a pony! Also very strange to buy such a big gift for only one child, sure your other DSD will be upset by this. I think you should not even show DSD10 the pony or tell her about it. Just be clear to in laws that whilst you appreciate the gesture there's no way you have the time / money to manage it and that you will be selling the pony asap.

I suppose if they are adamant on going ahead with this really shit idea, you have to let them.

See how it goes - but dont do the running around yourself. And have RSPCA on speed dial to check pony is well cared for.

Surely once they all realise the cost/time implications, there will be a change of heart?

Poor pony. And poor you - feeling helpless in the middle of this.

It sounds insane OP, and very controlling indeed. Your DH is absolutely right to wash his hands of the whole thing although I completely understand your concerns about having to pick up the pieces when it all inevitably goes wrong. And poor DH getting a mouthful of abuse for daring to challenge his father's 'marvellous' idea They should ghastly.

Tears is the least of your issues. Neglect of animal is higher priority.

Just refuse to see them til pony goes.

Everyone else is NC. I'd join em tbh!

hang on can I ask one Q.?
where and how did they get hold of this pony?
Do they know what its history is?

Boomtown has the right idea

Just out of curiousity, do the pil's landlords know that their shed has been converted to keep livestock in it ?

I have a miniature horse and he costs me over £80 pm for his stabling and turnout not including feed, hay, vets, farrier, bedding etc.

I have just taken on a foal as it was just dumped on our yard which will cost an extra £100 just for stabling, plus passporting and microchipping, horses are a very expensive hobby and they have long lives which means you need to be dedicated to their care, they are not a 5 minute wonder !

Hopefully your pil will see sense.

Good grief this is well beyond a dreadful idea of your pil s.
I was going to suggest a united front with you dsd s mum and refuse to engage at all but if she's up for it....I would simply go nc completely as of now with pil.
Let them and dsd mum sort it out.
Aim a breakdown of costs in their direction.
For example I took on a rescue pony as a favour. Excluding the behavioural specialists I called into to look after her initially. It costs me the best part of 500£ most months for full livery, shoes, food, meds, stabling, regular turnout.....the lists is endless and my dd helps out whenever she can. The expenses when you cannot do most of the care yourself for whatever reason are huge.
It's madness

NC is not an option (always suprised how many people suggest it on here after family tiffs).

The girls mum thinks it's a great idea too, but she's not the most rational person either, so a "United front" won't work.

I think the only option is to let them get on with it but not get involved, even if we know it will end in tears.....

YANBU.

Even if you were prepared to see the pony every weekend and your PIL had a limitless amount of money, it would still be a very stupid idea.

Who is going to exercise and care for the pony during the week, your overweight and unfit PIL who know nothing about horses?

I would want to know who sold them the pony and I would be phoning the RSPCA for advice.

Ps - I don't think the letting company know about the stable alterations, or the other various alterations to the house. I know they can't do this (well legally they can do what they want as long as the house is returned to the original state when they leave), but I wouldn't mention this to them I don't think it would be appreciated. FIL spent £2k installing a wood burner in their rented house and didn't ask for permission first. Madness.

Merrymouse - as I have explained there is a woman who keeps two horses there so she's got to be involved somewhere down the line but this isn't a full time soloution.

Apparently they got the pony from a cousin of the MIL who owns a farm or something. I'm not 100% sure

Leaving aside their sheer idiocy and probably ignorance of what they are taking on in terms of cost, where did they get this pony from?

I wouldn't be letting a 10yr old with 3 lessons under her belt anywhere near a pony with no proven history of being absolutely bomb proof. There are thousands of unwanted horses and ponies all over the UK many of which would be totally unsuitable for a child, but which can probably be bought down the pub or simply given away.

There is no mention of land - where is she actually going to ride it? On the roads as a beginner? Does it even have any tack? '00's for a saddle and bridle just for starters.

I think that your DH and his Ex are going to have to come to some agreement and then sit down with his child if she's already been told and tell her that the PIL's have generously offered to sponsor her riding lessons for a year as it's a 1/10th of the cost of owning a pony.

www.bluecross.org.uk/2146/looking-after-your-horse.html Might be of use.

Insane, and that's coming from an very experienced horse owner/rider with a 10 year old experienced in riding daughter. It's a HUGE commitment. Huge. In addition to the other comments regarding costs and welfare, your daughter has virtually no riding experience. This is an unknown pony. It's a combination that can (and usually does) end in a nasty fall. Who rode the pony to make sure it was suitable? Had it vetted? I wouldn't be putting my child on a pony I hadn't signed off on first.

The problem is that while they are working it all out an animal is potentially being neglected and the children are potentially being put at risk.

The trauma of having to deal with the fall out will be your responsibility, even if it isn't your fault.

I can understand that it is difficult to disagree with both the mum and PIL. However, you can get the facts together to show them what they have taken on and what their responsibilities should be.

Who is going to ride this pony? It's one thing riding a trained horse at a stables, picked out for a particular rider, with an instructor near by. It's quite another thing to take a horse out by yourself. Riding is a dangerous sport.

Wittank tell me about it!!!! But again the girls mum seems to think it's a great idea. Will need to make sure DH puts his foot down re the pony being inspected to make sure it's suittable for a child

YANBU

"NC is not an option (always suprised how many people suggest it on here after family tiffs)."

Why?. Also this is not a family tiff; this behaviour of theirs now re the horse is part of his parents ongoing dysfunctional family unit. It's hard for your DH being the last one left who actually bothers with them but only people who have been raised by narcissists actually have anything to do with them as adults. There's many good reasons why his other siblings have gone NC with these people!.

This is not just part of a family tiff; your DH is up to his neck in fear, obligation and guilt with regards to his narcissistic in nature parents (narcissists are truly crap gift givers and pull this sort of stunt without any regard for others) and that issue is also a huge problem as well. Such people like his parents do not change, have you wondered why your DH chases around after them so much?. He is still wanting their approval even now. People like his parents do not give approval ever let alone freely.

And the woman who keeps two horses there is also prepared to care for this extra pony indefinitely, and perhaps be on hand whenever the children are free to go riding?

If there is nothing you can do. I think you should ask for a full history of this pony, your dsd shouldn't be anywhere near a untried/ unfamiliar pony let alone riding it. Can she ride? You say she's only and a couple of lessons, she will need a lot of experience to ride regularly. As well as the necessary kit.
Who is going to exercise the pony daily? Turnout etc? Can you speak to the woman who keeps her two horses there, find out exactly how much or little she is willing to do?
Can you make a list and talk to your pil they might respond to the simple logic? (Hopeful emoticon)
Or report the alterations to the property and hope the owner acts...