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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you how to tell (step)DDs I'm pregnant.

27 replies

BabyCabbage · 08/12/2014 21:55

NC'd for this.

Background - I have 2 stepdaughters, ages 16 & 14. I have been with their dad for 2.5 years. They stay with us Friday & Saturday nights and visit during the week.

I've just found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant -- I assumed my lack of periods was my age (44 ) and I didn't have any morning sickness. We hadn't been trying but we're really happy. This will be my first child.

My SDs will be coming to us over Christmas and they're coming to my home country to see my family. I will be ~11 weeks then so obvs. will want to tell my parents & would like to tell DDs beforehand, but I really don't know how to approach it? I get on really well with both of them - the oldest often calls me her "second mum" - but I know this will be a really big change for both of them.

Any of you told teenage kids/stepkids? Any ideas?

OP posts:

LemonySmithit · 08/12/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 08/12/2014 22:04

I agree with Lemony.

Gawjushun · 08/12/2014 22:08

I think they'll be thrilled. There's a big age gap between me and DB, and as a teenage girl I loved babysitting and showing him off to friends. Congratulations!

Lucyandpoppy · 08/12/2014 22:10

Aww congrats!

I'm pregnant and only just out of my teenage years, my parents have had other relationships but I've never been in this situation, I would wait until 12w scan then sit them down (take them out for a meal maybe) and tell them. Hopefully they will be really excited and you will have some ready made baby sitters ;) My niece is 14 and she is a lot more excited about my pregnancy than I thought she would be so hopefully your Step DD's will be super excited too :)

EatGlitteryShitDezzaClause · 08/12/2014 22:11

My mum fell pregnant to my stepdad when I was 18 then again at 20

I love my brother and sister! Wouldn't change them for the world. Well maybe the sister, she's a pain but she is my double!

notasingleclue · 08/12/2014 22:12

Lemony has it, if they're the first to know, it seems to help process information so much more easily, being included is everything. Congratulations!

Beatrixemerald · 08/12/2014 22:14

my teenage dsd was absolutely delighted about my pregnancy and adores dd. however, she was upset that we didn't tell her immediately (3 previous miscarriage s)and was upset as she had already guesed, dh's exw messaged me about it so we ended up telling before we were ready. dh gave her a lot of reassurance and we made it really clear this was her sibling and we wanted her to be really involved. she is very involved, we see even more of dsd now and dd couldn't have a better older sister a

Beatrixemerald · 08/12/2014 22:15

and congratulations on your pregnancy

browneyedgirl86 · 08/12/2014 22:15

Congratulations!

I think being honest with them is a good thing. I like the idea of taking them for a meal and telling them. Hopefully they will be excited.

Mehitabel6 · 08/12/2014 22:18

Congratulations - I think they will be thrilled! Let us know how it goes.

Bulbasaur · 08/12/2014 22:23

If you're close, just say "Hey, great new! We're pregnant!"

They'll be thrilled.

No need to make a whole ceremony of it.

BumGravy · 08/12/2014 22:27

Tell them first and make them feel important. Ask their opinions and to help you with big decisions and more importantly baby clothes shopping

LalaLeona · 08/12/2014 22:31

Hi congrats! Don't want to be negative but just be aware that this may arouse some strong feelings in your sds. My sd was 13 when she found out about my pregnancy, and when we told her she was extremely upset and actually didn't speak to her dad for a while-this was probably due at the time to us not having the support of sds mother however, and sd being an only child. if you have a good relationship with sds and mother then it makes it a lot easier, just reassure them that their relationship with their dad will not change etc, good luck ! Xxx

Purplepoodle · 09/12/2014 01:13

It's should be fine. Prep your oh for a little strange behaviour from his dd's, they might become very clingy to him or go completely the other way - all very normal

CheeseBuster · 09/12/2014 01:23

Congratulations. Maybe wait until after Xmas to tell them? And then it will be 12 weeks.
Agree will other posters don't worry if they react badly for a bit, I expect it will be a shock and they'll come round but hopefully they'll be delighted straight away.

MammaTJ · 09/12/2014 05:50

One of the main things I had to deal with when telling my StD was the reaction of her mum. She kept telling her we wouldn't want to know once the baby was born and it would only be a half brother or sister! I reassured StD that we would still love her and neither of them would be half a person! This would likely be (as is the case) the only sibling she had, so it was up to her if she wanted to be a sister or a half sister!

As they grew up and argued, I mostly made their Dad deal with them, as I did not want to seem biased, being Mum to only one of them!

NormaStits · 09/12/2014 07:17

I've done this, very similar situation except they live with us full time. I waited until the 12 week scan then told them that they were going to have a little brother or sister. I didn't use words like half or step. We had thescan photos for them to look at & were just really positive about it and how much we were looking forwardto the baby having three brilliant older siblings. They were really happy with the news & haveffallen in love with their little sister, who was born last week.

guiltynetter · 09/12/2014 07:21

congratulations!

on a totally unrelated note mammatj Std for stepdaughter?! don't forget to read your abbreviations out loud...

donkir · 09/12/2014 07:42

I have a ds who is 12 and am with a new partner we told him I was pg at 5 weeks. He was thrilled. Not once have we used the step brother word though. He is his brother regardless. I'm now 31 weeks and although the excitement has worn off he still can't wait to be a big brother.
14yr olds aren't silly they could guess over xmas why you're not drinking.

skittycat · 09/12/2014 09:17

My dad waited until it was blatantly obvious that his wife was pregnant before telling us (literally five minutes before she walked through the door with a really obvious baby bump) We (me and sister) had no idea that they were even trying, and as a consequence felt alienated and not wanted as part of their family. We were teenagers at the time so emotions were heightened anyway but we've never really felt included since.

As such, I would recommend telling them asap and also include them in baby conversations etc.

Godcreatedcricket · 09/12/2014 12:17

You have a good relationship with them? Just tell them the truth. May take a wee while to sink in but I bet they'll get behind you both.
Did you always want children? The fact that you're really considering your step-daughters' feelings is great.
Congratulations. I think the whole situation sounds delightful...

BarbarianMum · 09/12/2014 12:32

My (half) sister was a teenager when our brother, and her brother (complex family) were born. She remembers being horrified (sexual activity in parents - yuck) and embarrassed initially, and not wanting anyone at school to know. Later she came round to the idea.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Do tell them but please accept their reactions may not be 'wow, that's wonderful' - at least not at the moment. The same would be true if they were your children - teenagers are not always thrilled that a baby is on the way. Doesn't mean they won't come to love their sibling.

MammaTJ · 09/12/2014 12:49

Ha ha guiltynetter, presumably she came about as a result of sex, so could be described as having something in common!

WildFlowersAttractBees · 09/12/2014 12:55

Congratulations!

I am sure they will appreciate being told before anyone else and be a part of telling the wider family. I am 12 yr older than my Dbro and 14yrs older than Dsis.... it is fab!

wickedlazy · 09/12/2014 14:55

Surely a half sibling is when you share a mum or a dad but not both, and a step sibling is you don't share either but one of your parents is in a relationship with one of their parents? Don't understand why some people refer to half siblings as step siblings

And congrats OP, if they already have a good relationship with you, they will probably be thrilled!

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