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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cried (I am NOT a crier). I feel like a right pratt.

129 replies

Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 17:51

turned up to uni today - I am undertaking a vocational training course / degree.

It was for an obligatory two day training course.

Basically a few of us had turned up who shouldn't have been there - admin error on the part of the uni. We had no way of knowing before we trekked in. Everyone that was not meant to be there left barr me.

I thought I would see if there were any no shows and ask if I could fill their gap to save me the hour long journey home (three kids, two with additional support needs - easier to stay if possible and get it done and duster).

There were confirmed gaps in the class.

I said good morning to the senior lecturer and course-teacher and asked if he would mind if I filled in a gap of a no-show (we have to do this course at some point anyway over the next few weeks).

The lecturer running the course (notorious for being a difficult man): said

'actually I do mind. If YOU'RE name is NOT ON MY LIST then I mind'.

I said oh it is just that I came all the way in and it was a uni admin error.

To which he said rudely and LOUDLY in front of the class

'I MIND YOU (insert my name) STAYING....... even if there IS space'.

I got such a shock i think I just said ok and slipped out of the class.

With my class mates like this Shock.

I immediately cried outside. I am in my 30's FFS (CROSS AT MYSELF).

It was no skin of THE LECTURERS nose if I stayed. He has to teach me this same course at a later date anyway. It is mandatory.

The semester lead was in the room (nice fella) and ran after me, saying are you ok?

I said well not really. I feel a right pratt. He said, yes he was out of order. You know what he is like. I will talk to him.

I said, don't bother (he would only get double satisfaction out of knowing i cried).

The rude lecturer is second in command, and the head of the school is no better (terrible reputation). What a twunt. I am near to graduating so no point complaining, it is well known he is aggressive to certain students.

I just needed to vent really.

My friends from the class have all rang me asking if I am ok. I do not like fuss so just said yeah im fine, I went off shopping.

In truth, I feel upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 21:28

I am not anti-gay. I genuinely did not think and that phrase popped in to my stupid tired out brain

genuinely sorry for that.

I have never even stopped to think what that phrase meant other than a stupid term - cant say sorry enough for that.

OP posts:
spiderlight · 08/12/2014 22:03

I would definitely be taking this further. As Pica says, do you have some sort of student rep you could talk to? Bullies like that really should not be allowed to get away with it.

I'd have cried too, for what it's worth.... Flowers

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:25

UPDATE

I have donned my brave pants made an appointment to speak with the deputy head of the uni school tomorrow am.

any advice?

OP posts:
outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 16:34

I am not normally someone to advise backing out of a fight, but I would honestly consider this carefully. I think you have every moral right to make a complaint - I think his behaviour stinks - but academics can be just horrible and revengeful and I wonder if you really need the stress that this might occasion. I speak as someone who has made that mistake herself.

CheddarGorgeous · 11/12/2014 16:34

YAY!!

Well done. Bullies should be stood up to.

Write EVERYTHING down. Deep breath. Take your time.

outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 16:36

Also, if I can add - the NSS is a really vindictive way of registering a complaint like this because the whole faculty get penalised by bad scores, and it is awful and demoralising for those doing a good job.

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:38

I am wondering myself outofcontrol whether this will mark my cards forever

it is a dilemma for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:40

I am certainly in the last leg of my degree.. with more than enough external stress....

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:43

could i back out of this meeting?

I guess I could.

OP posts:
outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 16:44

I know others will tell you to go for it - and normally I would agree. However, I found the bullying I was subjected to after complaining about being bullied one of the most decimating experiences I've had. The woman in question basically devoted all her time and attention to making my life a living hell. (The fact that I had started to date a man she clearly had her eye on did not help).

The worst thing was, I couldn't really get others to believe me that the woman who was doing it as as bad as all that. It was very subtle and clever.

I ended up leaving for a better paid job elsewhere.

After I left my boss revealed her true colours by trying the same techniques on everyone else, and now everybody absolutely hates her! I even got an apology off my old HoD for it all. But at the time, there was no support or help.

outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 16:47

I should add that this was in an academic context! It is a very odd world, and people do behave quite strangely at times.

crazyspaniel · 11/12/2014 16:47

I'm an academic and in twenty years of being at university as a student and lecturer have never heard a lecturer speak to a student like that. However, I agree with outofcontrol and think you need to be careful here, at least if this person has any input into marking your work. I certainly wouldn't put it past someone as unpleasant as this man to exact revenge on a complainant.

I'm not sure I agree re. the NSS, though. Sure, bad feedback can be demoralising, and some of the comments that students make are unfair and unrealistic, but on occasion I have been glad of them, because it has meant that those in charge have finally been forced to deal seriously with problem colleagues who the rest of us have been complainingly fruitlessly about for ages.

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:52

I appreciate your comments.

So much, as this is all new to me.

What I did not say, is that this man is down on paper as one of my two academic mentors.

I have never seen him in this context, BUT IF MY OTHER MENTOR LEAVES (which he may he looks TERRIBLY UNHAPPY) then this man would need to write my reference for a job.

It is clear he does not like me.

I would hate him to write my academic reference.

(supposing the other mentor couldn't IF he left, or COULD HE? - he has already promised me a glowing report which was kind).

I feel like safeguarding myself by asking for a change of academic mentor, even if only on paper, from MR BULLY.

Would that be so bad?

That is what is the crux of what is worrying me tbh.

I need a good reference and to get a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:53

He does mark my work.

so far, only as a second marker. BUT..... potential still very much there and I know his colleagues do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 16:54

I am afraid to poke a sleeping bear....

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 11/12/2014 16:55

Yanbu. I'm a sucker for things like this. I'm not a crier either but in a situation like that I probably would have and also attempted to hold it in (which is not attractive - It makes me look like little miss piggy). He's a grown man and he publicly humiliated you, for no reason. It's disgusting.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2014 16:57

YANBU at all, he is a bully and a coward. He carries on because people do not complain. Yes talk to your semester lead, and also complain the the head of your faculty. It is unacceptable in this day and age to act like that. I can bet my bottom dollar, if you had been a man, he would not have spoken to you like that.

WeeFreeKings · 11/12/2014 16:57

Perhaps that could be included in your meeting tomorrow? Your concerns that your mentor singled you out and said even if there was a space YOU wouldn't get it? Or maybe you could write your complaint letter today to get all the facts down but not send it till after the 'danger' of retributions has passed?

PurpleSwift · 11/12/2014 17:02

I'd so ask to change. A friend of mine had a minor issue with her mentor and it's resulted in him point blank refusing to do a reference for her. She can't get a job in the field she has been working towards for 4 years now because of this - she has a pub job for now.

outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 17:03

How about speaking further to the semester leader who witnessed all of this and asking his advice before speaking to the deputy head of school?

Isthiscorrect · 11/12/2014 17:07

Could you back out of the meeting tomorrow. See the student union to register your complaint for reference only, and ask them not to act upon it until you graduate. Then the evidence is documented but nothing before you finish?
Good luck and well done for getting this fair. We need more nurses like you. Flowers

WhaddayWant · 11/12/2014 17:10

You are not being the least bit unreasonable. Unexpected and nasty twattism is upsetting and a bit of a shock especially as you had been so polite.

Hope you feel ok now Thanks

I think I would 'complain' but in a nice way iyswim. I'd concentrate on suggesting that there should be is some sort of agreed policy for students filling in for no shows rather that telling them that the lecturer is a wanker. coz they probably already know that

headdesk · 11/12/2014 17:14

That was really horrible. If it makes you feel better I'm a mature student at uni (27) and I cried on the bus on the way home from one of my critiques the other day :(

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 11/12/2014 17:15

thanks for replies.

Do you think it IS reasonable to ask for a change of mentor incase the nice one leaves in which case i would be stuffed

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2014 17:19

Yes ask for a change lovenever

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