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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cried (I am NOT a crier). I feel like a right pratt.

129 replies

Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 17:51

turned up to uni today - I am undertaking a vocational training course / degree.

It was for an obligatory two day training course.

Basically a few of us had turned up who shouldn't have been there - admin error on the part of the uni. We had no way of knowing before we trekked in. Everyone that was not meant to be there left barr me.

I thought I would see if there were any no shows and ask if I could fill their gap to save me the hour long journey home (three kids, two with additional support needs - easier to stay if possible and get it done and duster).

There were confirmed gaps in the class.

I said good morning to the senior lecturer and course-teacher and asked if he would mind if I filled in a gap of a no-show (we have to do this course at some point anyway over the next few weeks).

The lecturer running the course (notorious for being a difficult man): said

'actually I do mind. If YOU'RE name is NOT ON MY LIST then I mind'.

I said oh it is just that I came all the way in and it was a uni admin error.

To which he said rudely and LOUDLY in front of the class

'I MIND YOU (insert my name) STAYING....... even if there IS space'.

I got such a shock i think I just said ok and slipped out of the class.

With my class mates like this Shock.

I immediately cried outside. I am in my 30's FFS (CROSS AT MYSELF).

It was no skin of THE LECTURERS nose if I stayed. He has to teach me this same course at a later date anyway. It is mandatory.

The semester lead was in the room (nice fella) and ran after me, saying are you ok?

I said well not really. I feel a right pratt. He said, yes he was out of order. You know what he is like. I will talk to him.

I said, don't bother (he would only get double satisfaction out of knowing i cried).

The rude lecturer is second in command, and the head of the school is no better (terrible reputation). What a twunt. I am near to graduating so no point complaining, it is well known he is aggressive to certain students.

I just needed to vent really.

My friends from the class have all rang me asking if I am ok. I do not like fuss so just said yeah im fine, I went off shopping.

In truth, I feel upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 19:12

In scotland, so state funded here I am afraid....

OP posts:
alpacasosoft · 08/12/2014 19:18

He obviously has a teeny weeny penis OP and has to be a bastard to make himself feel better Grin
Hope that made you smile.
He has a problem

complain like fuckity !

MyrnaLoy · 08/12/2014 19:22

Curse Scotland with its far-sighted and intelligent education and welfare policies! Grin

Seriously, whether the State is paying or not, he doesn't get to behave this way.

I say again, just 'cos it makes me feel better: arse!

Mrsstarlord · 08/12/2014 19:34

If you are in your final year you will be asked to complete the NSS, this is a good opportunity to share your experience of the course and you can name names although the names won't be shared. This goes to external people too

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 19:45

right, so who thinks I should make a complaint about asap.

Is this complete academic suicide? do you think? Considering he is still high up the tree?

OP posts:
liketohelp · 08/12/2014 20:18

Sorry he upset you, OP.

But I wouldn`t complain. He is in a position of power, and he can fail you, make your life difficult, whatever.

Also, in my experience, lecturers dont change, even if theyve been reprimanded.

All the best for your course & career though.

MyrnaLoy · 08/12/2014 20:25

I do see why you are concerned but the problem is, if no one ever challenges then he will never change.

I'm not suggesting that it is your responsibility to change the world (or single-handedly shift a culture that enables him to behave as badly as he does) but it sounds as though there were many witnesses to how he behaved? Including another faculty member? That means your statement wouldn't stand alone.

I think the Students Union will be very helpful. What about your personal tutor? Any good??

misskangaandroo2014 · 08/12/2014 20:37

Did he actually say his problwm was with 'you' as you state. In which case I would make a huge fucking fuss. No matter how shouty he was, no matter how irritating he may find students WANTING to learn he personalised it. I'd directly ask for an explanation about your presence being so utterly offensive that he felt a need to humiliate you in front of so many people. He's a complete twat and doesn't sound someone who should be a tutor.

GoringBit · 08/12/2014 20:39

OP that sounds horrible, but glad you're feeling more positive now. FWIW, I think you should complain, if you do, something might be done to save other people from this twat's appalling behaviour. And if it doesn't, at least you'll have made a stand - and it'll be evidence of his bad behaviour in case of future complaints.

Now have a festive Wine.

GoringBit · 08/12/2014 20:42

Agree completely with Myrna.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 08/12/2014 20:43

I think in theory most of us would say YES! Complain! Take it further! But the reality is it's your daily life - and maybe you don't want to commit to seeing this through all the way? I don't know about you - but I can tell you that when I was involved in something similar but in an employer/employee situation it was hanging over my head for two years and I suppose in all conscience I wouldn't urge anyone to launch into that. It wasn't fun. But....but...........if everyone cops out then this is how these people survive. I thought I could make a difference when I did it. I didn't - and they got me in the end! Whatever you decide I'm sure you'll find loads of support here.

Littleturkish · 08/12/2014 20:43

I would complain. Include EVERYTHING in your complaint. Every comment that gives it context.

Even people high up the ladder have to be accountable for their behaviour.

Lomega · 08/12/2014 20:45

YANBU, what a dickwad. [hug]

MummyBeerest · 08/12/2014 20:54

What a power-tripping prick.

Yanbu at all. Unprofessional, uncalled for.

He deserves to be put in his place by the higher-ups. Even if you don't see anything come of it, he'll have a complaint filed against him, and he'll know he's not untouchable.

You can do it Wine

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2014 20:56

If you feel you wouldn't get anywhere with his superior (given they are close friends) then I would complain higher up and cc a copy to his line manager/friend.

You should definitely complain. He's made a huge mistake here in doing this publicly. Do you mind if I ask what your disability is? Is it something that makes travel difficult?

Cherrychocolate · 08/12/2014 20:57

What an absolute dick.

You sound like a lovely person. Don't let this idiot upset you anymore, he's not worth your time or energy.

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 20:59

If I dont complain (which is my tendency cos life is busy enough and i have enough mountains to climb with the kids) I will feel like I have been complicit in letting a person walk all over me which i loathe and i want to be so much more than that

I just dont KNOW if i have the strength for a bit drawn out fight? or whether it is worth it?

especially if its an in house investigation cover up job. and there is no outcome anyway. which is suspect would be the case

He isnt gonna change is he?

and i suspect he COULD make my remaining time at uni VERY difficult. which scares me. This degree is arduous enough.

Perhaps bide my time, get the bit of paper and complain IS the way to go.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 21:01

thanks everyone.

Flowers
OP posts:
MyrnaLoy · 08/12/2014 21:07

You need to do what works for you: it sounds like that's about finding the balance between feeling you have retained your integrity (by acting in some positive way which gives you control) and ensuring that the situation doesn't snowball outside your control, and so become something you can no longer cope with.

So maybe write everything down now - a clear, ordered statement (as emotionless as you can get it) about who said what and when and how, then put it to one side. That way, if you decide to take action at some later point you have everything you need.

In these situations what matters most is your own sense of self and worth: do what you need to do to protect yourself, whether that is action, inaction or delayed action.

TheChandler · 08/12/2014 21:09

That's so exceptionally rude, its breathtaking.

I want to tell you about some of the lecturers on my course, who were deliberately rude to students to prepare us for work (which is notoriously full of rude people being nasty to you in my field) but it was done for short periods and with almost a bit of black humour, which is entirely lacking in what you've described.

This man should not be in charge of a university department. It makes you wonder what else is going on there.

Lindtlady1 · 08/12/2014 21:12

I would wait until graduation day. When you've received your degree walk straight up to him and tell him very quietly what you really think about him.

Then write a formal letter of complaint to the University, gather your evidence now, as in names of others who would vouch for what happened on the day. Nothing may come of this, but you will feel so much better. More importantly it will stay on University records...his staff record!

In the meantime go to his lectures but do not give him the satisfaction of letting him see you upset, make no eye contact or better still do not contribute to the lecture in any way.

Hope this helps and he is not deserving of your sadness the man is a bully.

Mulligrubs · 08/12/2014 21:17

That's shocking, what a vile person. If you complain (which I think you should but I can understand your hesitation) you have a lot of witnesses there. The thing is, he could still make your life difficult even if you don't complain so I would anyway.

PicaK · 08/12/2014 21:21

My dh is an academic and he's shocked by your treatment. You must have a personal tutor or student union rep you could discuss with. There must be a proper formal complaints system dealt with outside the dept.
OTOH your anti- gay comments are a bit disquieting.

JanineStHubbins · 08/12/2014 21:23

Did you really describe the lecturer and HoD as 'bum chums'? FFS.

Original poster
Loveneverfails · 08/12/2014 21:26

I did Janine. Bad terminology. I never thought. Blush

infact, I dont even know why i said that as they are male and female and I havent heard of that phrase for years nor ever used it Shock

bad day for me!

OP posts: