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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask whether it's 'ok' not to go to your work christmas party?

110 replies

stripeysoup · 07/12/2014 20:19

I haven't been in my new job that long, don't know many people in the company and tend to get nervous in circumstances like this unless I've had a drink. I'm on medication at the moment which means that I can't drink very much without losing all inhibitions and coming out with embarrassing remarks (I know this from experience - they don't seem embarrassing when drunk but I cringe when I remember them the morning after!).

I decided not to go to the Christmas party because of the above, but I've had a few comments since asking why I didn't go. I'm not a very good lier unfortunately so didn't want to make up an elaborate excuse that would come back and bite me later - I just said that I had other plans.

Now I've got the impression that a few people think I'm snobby/rude/anti-social and have actively avoided me since.

Is it unacceptable not to go to your work christmas party without a cast iron excuse? Has anyone else not gone to their work christmas party and how did you get out of it?

OP posts:
cece · 07/12/2014 21:27

I rarely go to any work dos.

All of my work colleagues live to the south of our workplace. I live to the north. The venue is therefore usually miles away in some village I've never heard of. I inevitably get lost trying to find the place in the dark. I then end up on the 'boring' table as I am one of the last to arrive. I cannot drink as it is too difficult to get to. And tbh if I have spare cash for a night out I would rather go out with my friends.

manchestermummy · 07/12/2014 21:28

I saw a colleague of mine in a shop once, said hello and attempted to engage in small talk as you do. Well I do. She looked down her nose and me and said "must dash, no time to talk" then ambled over to look at something else on the other side of the shop.

Shockingly I am not 14 and attend the local secondary.

There endeth my socialising outside of work.

stripeysoup · 07/12/2014 21:28

Noelle - not really, they're nice bunch but I wouldn't call them friends. I have a few friends from previous jobs but as I've got older and more out of work commitments, colleagues have remained part of 'work' life

OP posts:
JsOtherHalf · 07/12/2014 21:30

I go out for a meal with the people I work most closely with. This year it is immediately after finishing work one evening, in a nearby restaurant. I will be driving home; i do not drink in front of people who may be making decisions about me in a professional capacity.

AliceLidlDonkey · 07/12/2014 21:31

I don't think you were unreasonable OP, but if you are worried your colleges think badly of you now (not that they should) you can still try to smooth things over with them.

Perhaps the next time someone mentions the party you can say "yes it sounded lovely. I was sorry to miss it, I had something else going on that I couldn't get out of" and hopefully that will be all they need.

Or, if you are feeling brave, start the conversation with them and say "Sounds like you all had a great time at the party. I was sorry to miss it but I' just wasn't able to make it this year" and then go on to quickly ask them "how was your meal" or "what was the venue like" or something so the conversation moves on from what you were doing.

Christmas at work gets a bit out of hand in some places, at least in some of the places I've worked.

It's not a problem for me this year, only one night out and that's quite a relaxed one, but in the past a place I worked had the Christmas party for the whole region, which we had to travel about seventy miles to get to, then our office went out for a meal locally, then we had a secret santa day and then a day when we all had to take in something for a buffet in the office, one colleague did a santa dash that we were asked to sponsor and another sold christmas cupcakes at work to raise money for something else.

Finally we were asked to do Christmas jumper day for the charity the company supported and then on our last day the office were expected to all go out for drinks. We were a small enough office that anyone not taking part stood out like a sore thumb and it was all just so time consuming and expensive.

And that was all in just three weeks before we closed for Christmas for just three days.

This year DH has done a Christmas meal with drinks after, has a secret santa day with an office buffet to come next week, Friday is Christmas jumper day, he has a fundraising event and then again they want to go out for drinks on the last day. He's in the forces, and works with some fairly high ranking people, so saying no tends not to be an option because organising and taking part in things like this are remembered come write-up time.

We're spending more time and money with and on colleagues than we are with friends and family. He's had more nights out with colleagues this year than he has had nights out with me.

And then we do have all the other things to fit in too, as do most other people. It's all too much.

If it were up to me and we had to have a works night out, I'd rather it was mid year before the school holidays start, when there's not quite so much pressure on time and money.

So no, you are really, really not being unreasonable to say no to colleagues, although it might have been a good icebreaker for you. Is your company small enough that you could put a plate of mince pies out one day and say since you had to miss out on the party you thought you'd celebrate with a few cakes in the office at lunchtime? That might help break the ice with your colleagues and show them you aren't stuck up or anything.

Hulababy · 07/12/2014 21:32

Of course it is okay not to go.

Some years I go, some years I can't make it. Like everyone at my work.

DH no longer has a full work Christmas party, they now have an annual party in Jan/Feb. He normally goes to every one, but this year he can't as the date is half term - its just one of those things. Noone would expect hi to change his holiday plans.

AshesOfRoses · 07/12/2014 21:33

"But you have to spend your own money socialising with the same wankers you spend all week with go, Ashes", said my manager.

"It's good for team building"

Pay for it your fucking selves and do it during work hours then.

fuctifino · 07/12/2014 21:34

All new starters have to put on a collective song and dance. That was the first reason to give it a miss, plus I'd only been there 8 weeks.
By the next year, I realised most of them are not people I would choose to socialise with, so I don't Smile

rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2014 21:36

I go to ours as it's in the afternoon and it's paid for, last year I even attended on my day off. I work p/t and I like to make the effort to be seen. I don't hang around though when it gets leary - this years was a bit lame, I had to leave early to pick up DS from cubs anyway so I just moved the time I "had" to leave at to an hour earlier.

fuctifino · 07/12/2014 21:36

Oh yeah and obviously if you don't want to go, don't.

Topseyt · 07/12/2014 21:36

I've never really been a natural party animal.

When I worked in the City (before my second child was born 16 years ago) I used to go to some of our office parties and although they were OK, as I say, they were not my natural scene.

The births of my babies came to my rescue Grin. The "no babysitter" excuse worked for just about anything I did not want to go to, whether it was work related of not. Keep that one in your back pocket for awkward situations in years to come because "other plans" is more open to misinterpretation. Wink

My husband no longer goes to his office Christmas Party and nor do that many of his colleagues. He is no longer as interested in them as he once would have been. Because of where we live he would also have to drive afterwards, so wouldn't be able to drink anyway. It is a non-issue.

I also think that, as time has gone by, neither of us is really that attracted any longer to the idea of boozing for much of the night and then having to go to work on hardly any sleep and with the hangover from hell. Been there, done that and no longer bothered.

Mintyy · 07/12/2014 21:38

I haven't been to a works Christmas do for a very long time, but before that my decision re. whether to go or not was based entirely on what the do was.

So, in the last job I had before I had my pfb, our Christmas do was an extremely posh lunch in an extremely posh hotel (it was an enormously posh company!) which I absolutely loved. Six course meal and champagne, wine and brandy. What's not to like? Also, they were during the day and didn't require me to give up an evening or travel in specially.

By that stage (mid-30s) I would have run screaming from the idea of a standard piss-up office party.

RigglinJigglin · 07/12/2014 21:40

YANBU.

I no longer go to work functions as I am a serious liability when drunk, after one post xmas party disciplinary too many I stopped drinking at them, graduated to not going now. At my current workplace they think I'm an antisocial cow, and that's what I happily tell them too Grin

MidniteScribbler · 07/12/2014 21:41

I've never been a big fan of work Christmas gatherings. The best ones were just at a bar or somewhere that you could go for a quick drink then leave before it became messy. The long drawn out sit down dinners and 'end of year awards' (aka most popular) were the worst. I do think it is nice to make some effort for at least some out of work events across the year if you can, even if it's just the occasional drink after work. Skipping everything does tend to make people see you as less social (not that it should matter, but in a lot of work places it does). Attending a few of the more tolerable events tends to give you a bit of a free pass on the less tolerable ones.

Ours are great now. A sausage sizzle in the school grounds/hall after the last (non student) day of the school year and our families can attend. Those that want to continue on head to the local pub afterwards, those who don't want to continue just head home. Very civilised.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/12/2014 21:47

I have to go. I'm the one with the credit card so I have to go, and stay to the end so I can pay.

Good thing I like most of the people I work with. And I get to bring DH. Xmas Grin

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 07/12/2014 21:50

I don't drink at all so avoid almost all Christmas parties unless I can be sure that there won't be an issue with refusing alcohol. I haven't been to a work party for many years as alcohol seems to be such a big part of socialising.

It would be better to be honest with your work colleagues than saying you have other plans.

stripeysoup · 07/12/2014 21:55

AliceLidlDonkey - that sounds like a lot of Christmas related work things! I can totally understand the cost and time issues, it must be a lot more pressured when your career is influenced by which activities you attend and what impression you make

Thanks for the tips, that's a good idea - a few mince pies/cookies might really help and it should be quite easy to get around not going by asking about how things went. The pictures (if I get a chance to see them) might be a good conversation starter as well

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 07/12/2014 21:58

We have a lunch so in work's time. Have to pay but it's about £15 for three course and less for two courses. Food a lot better than some places which charge over double. Free wine although most are driving. I get DH to come and pick me up! Have got blind drunk yet! Can sit with who we want so not lumbered with anyone you don't like. Although not anyone I dislike just some I am on more friendly terms than others

My DH doesn't go to his. He doesn't want to pay for the dinner dance and although I can go that means double the cost. That's without drinks and a new frock for me. He just says he doesn't want to go

Trinpy · 07/12/2014 21:58

I don't bother going to any work parties anymore. Nothing more cringey than seeing your boss pissed.

People can think what they like about me, they're my colleagues not my mates so it makes no difference to me .

stripeysoup · 07/12/2014 22:04

It sounds like quite a few of you have mastered the art of either gracefully dodging work events or making them work for you - I'm taking note!

OP posts:
Loletta · 07/12/2014 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hels71 · 07/12/2014 22:09

I work in two places and am going to neither do. One, which I would quite like to go to, is on a day that DH is working late and I can not get childcare. the other is expensive and I can not eat any of the food in the menu (dodgy insides....)The first there have been people expressing how sorry they are I can not go, the other no-one has even noticed I am not going.

ouryve · 07/12/2014 22:10

DH is going to one, next week, for the first time in over a decade.

If you're nervous about drinking, then as far as other people have to know, you're allergic to alcohol. I don't normally take allergies lightly, but in this case, the effect is similar and it saves nosiness about the medication.

ouryve · 07/12/2014 22:11

DH is also going for the meal, then getting a taxi home before everyone gets really pissed and boring.

skylark2 · 07/12/2014 22:16

I never go to ours. My colleagues know I spend loads of weekends taking my kids to sports training weekends, so I just say "nah, kids training again" and no more is said.

I probably wouldn't go even if it wasn't a clash with a training weekend tbh, but they don't need to know that :) I will be going to the Christmas lunch though - much more my thing.