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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry with DS' father?

83 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 09:55

ExP has our DS one night and two days a week, one day during the week and one night at weekend and the consecutive day.

This weeks overnight was Saturday night but he mentioned how it was his works Xmas do on that night so he wouldn't be able to go. I told him to go and have a good time, I would keep DS but to make sure he didn't get arseholed to the point he couldn't drive and pick DS up in the morning. I told him he could have a little lie in and to pick DS up at 8.30 instead of the usual 7am.

Anyway, this morning has arrived and I get a text at 8.45am telling me I needed to drop DS off (20min drive). He'd had too much to drink and couldn't drive.

I got there and told him that from now on he would need to plan his social life around the one night a week he has DS as he clearly couldn't limit himself and that impacts on DS' time with his Dad.

Anyway he went off on one saying that he always does me favours by having DS at the weekend so I could go out?! In my view, he has DS one night a week, not so I can go out but so he can spend time with his son!

He finished by saying he would have DS every Sunday night so I couldn't go out as I was giving him such a hard time about having a drink on his night off! Hmm it wasn't his night off, it was his night to have DS and I did him a favour.

AIBU here? He does irritate me and sometimes it's hard for me to see if I'm being harsh on him or not.

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 07/12/2014 10:01

As a one off after a Christmas event, it's not unreasonable. Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to drink driving.

7am is too early anyway for a contact start 20mins away and telling him he can have a "little lie in" comes across as very patronising.

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 10:07

If he is not in a fit state to drive, surely he will struggle with a child? Why not just leave it for now?

NickiFury · 07/12/2014 10:07

Unless there's a big back story of him being consistently unreliable then YABU. It's once a year and I too think 7.00 am is ridiculously early for all concerned.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:10

Well, I didn't say those exact words to him, I was paraphrasing.

Usually, he would have DS with him from the previous night. The 7am comes from when he picks DS up during the week, as I have work.

The reason I'm annoyed is because he failed to limit his drinking knowing full well he had to pick DS up in the morning. Plus, he didn't even tell me in good time or with an apology.

He has 6 other nights a week to get shitfaced.

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 07/12/2014 10:12

You are being harsh ;) unless he's a complete nobber all the time

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:13

YABU.

You seem to think you're being generous by saying he could have a lay in and not pick up until 8.30, but that's not a lie in! Nor is it much fun to go to your works Christmas do and have to stay sober. Why couldn't he have changed the contact day?

You sound quite demanding to me, it's a one off Christmas thing and it really shouldn't need to be this big a deal.

Singleandproud · 07/12/2014 10:13

YANBU he choose to go out and should have either asked to completely swap days for the next weekend or not been in a state to pick up your DC, it is not your job to run around after him. I also think 7 am is very earlier to start contact.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:13

Apocalypse so because it's Christmas do, he should get absolutely shit faced and not see his son? Hmm

My works do is next weekend. I know I'm going to have to pick DS up from my Mum's early in the morning, so I have to watch how much I drink and get to bed before 12. It's part and parcel of being a parent. But is it different for him because he's NRP?Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:16

Let me clarify - the early contact is only on the day during the week. He comes and picks him up between 7-7.30, sometimes doesn't leave my house until 8, when I leave for work.

I agree that time was early for a weekend which is why I said he could pick him up at 8.30, a more reasonable time.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:16

He doesn't have 6 other nights a week to get shitfaced, this was a once a year celebration.

I can't understand why he was in the position of having to pick up at 8.30 in the morning after a Christmas party the night before anyway.

gamerchick · 07/12/2014 10:23

Unless he's got form for this sort of thing... vent it all out on here and then let it go. Don't keep bringing it all up as it's pointless and unnecessary.

Personally you should have swapped weekends. It's no fun for a kid to be around a hungover parent and then you could have got as shitfaced as you want next week.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 07/12/2014 10:25

You could always arrange for DSS to stay at his mums a little longer so you could have "a little lie in" next week. Or perhaps his Dad would welcome some bonus time with him?
Stop being such a whingeing martyr OP!!

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:25

Because that was his contact day. He mentioned his Xmas do on Thursday this week to which I replied and said I would keep DS for the night if he wanted to go to his works do but that he would still need to pick DS up in the morning.

He doesn't get to forgo his responsibilities towards his son because his work threw a party. I certainly can't do that. Why is it different for him?

If he'd come to me a couple of weeks ago and told me about this do and asked to swap his day and night, I wouldn't have minded.

But, as usual, it was last minute and I did him a favour by saying he could go instead of having DS. I made him aware that he would still have to pick DS up, he said it wouldn't be a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:28

We couldn't have swapped weekends, he never has him for a full weekend. He has him one day and one night, as do I. He works shifts.

A whinging martyr? Confused How lovely. I'm not being a martyr at all.

But okay, obviously the mumsnet majority think that it should be one rule for the carefree NRP and another for the mother.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 07/12/2014 10:28

I hope you never need a favour from him.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/12/2014 10:30

It's not a favour is it really to look after your own child. The only person doing a favour is your mother picking up the childcare when you want to go out.

If you make a mountain out of everything in life like you have with this, it must be so stressful and petty.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 10:33

As a one off I also don't see the problem.

Yes you have your night out and it sounds like you are choosing to go to bed early then pick up your son but if you had an alternative wouldn't you do that instead?

Not wanting to drive doesn't mean he's unfit to look after his child, it's pretty sensible not to drive and wouldn't you rather your son was dropped off by you rather than someone who may still have alcohol in his body and is driving (doesn't necessarily need to be over the limit).

I'm on my night out next week and h has changed shifts and is on kid duty in the morning. If you normally get on okay, why not be flexible about it?

ClashCityRocker · 07/12/2014 10:33

He was a bit out of order, and thoughtless too and I don't think you are unreasonable to be a bit pissed off.

But if it's a one off, just let it lie. I think a lot of parents, not NRPs and resident parents, occasionally over-indulge and then have to deal with the consequences. It's not ideal, but as a one-off, no lasting harm was done.

And at least he had the sense not to drive, I guess.

TheHatInTheCat · 07/12/2014 10:33

Bloody hell 8.30 is not a lie in for a works Xmas do. You sound jealous and controlling.
Yabu, most people think so but that's not what you want to hear.

NickiFury · 07/12/2014 10:33

You're clearly still raging about it, it's not that big a deal surely? I am beginning to feel quite sorry for your ex tbh if this is how uptight you are in RL.

basgetti · 07/12/2014 10:35

If you usually have a stable arrangement that works well then it seems a bit petty to have an argument over a one off xmas do. Unless you had to be at work this morning I don't understand why your DS had to be at his Dad's for 8.30? Seems a bit early and unnecessary.

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:36

It's got nothing to do with there being different rules for each parent.

It's not unreasonable for either parent to have a few drinks at their works Christmas party bad then have a bit of a lie in the next day.

Your ex should give you more notice of these things, my own ex is just as frustrating when it comes to planning ahead, but you do sound like quite hard work.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:37

Wow. okay.

I'm clearly a bitch who doesn't cut her exP enough slack.

I generally don't have a go at him for anything, as last time we argued over contact it escalated into verbal abuse and intimidation.

Nevermind then, I'll let him carry on taking the piss.

OP posts:
fuctifino · 07/12/2014 10:37

Maybe next time you can ask his work to arrange their annual, one night only Christmas do to suit you, eh?!

I think YABU unless this is a weekly occurrence and then you are justified in being hacked off.

NickiFury · 07/12/2014 10:38

Is there more to this then? A back story. Because when you say "let him carry on taking the piss" that indicates he does it a lot.

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