Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to be angry with DS' father?

83 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 09:55

ExP has our DS one night and two days a week, one day during the week and one night at weekend and the consecutive day.

This weeks overnight was Saturday night but he mentioned how it was his works Xmas do on that night so he wouldn't be able to go. I told him to go and have a good time, I would keep DS but to make sure he didn't get arseholed to the point he couldn't drive and pick DS up in the morning. I told him he could have a little lie in and to pick DS up at 8.30 instead of the usual 7am.

Anyway, this morning has arrived and I get a text at 8.45am telling me I needed to drop DS off (20min drive). He'd had too much to drink and couldn't drive.

I got there and told him that from now on he would need to plan his social life around the one night a week he has DS as he clearly couldn't limit himself and that impacts on DS' time with his Dad.

Anyway he went off on one saying that he always does me favours by having DS at the weekend so I could go out?! In my view, he has DS one night a week, not so I can go out but so he can spend time with his son!

He finished by saying he would have DS every Sunday night so I couldn't go out as I was giving him such a hard time about having a drink on his night off! it wasn't his night off, it was his night to have DS and I did him a favour.

AIBU here? He does irritate me and sometimes it's hard for me to see if I'm being harsh on him or not.

OP posts:

flippinada · 07/12/2014 11:57

OP, I hear you. It's hard work and frustrating being the responsible one all the time.

You mention verbal abuse and intimidation - is this something that happens often when you challenge him?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 12:02

It's not up to the op to gauge how much alcohol is in his system though, is it?

Isn't it? If she knows he's been out drinking, has admittedly he has enough booze in his system that he is not safe to drive, then wouldn't a reasonable person then at least wonder if he is okay to watch the child? If she had no idea and left the child in his care and the child got injured as a direct result (say due to lack of supervision or whatever), don't you think social services would be asking her why she left the child with him in the circumstances? I suspect they might. So yes, I think at least a passing idea of how much alcohol is still in his system might be appropriate. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable just handing my child over to someone when I didn't know how much they were either still inebriated or hung over from a huge boozy party.

I think we have to give the dad enough credit to know if he is fit enough to look after his child.

Again, I think that depends. The OP has indicated that he is not always responsible. I certainly wouldn't take my stbx's word that he was fit enough to look after our children - I've seen him weaving and slurring and saying he was fine. If people knew their limits and always stuck to them responsibly, there would be no need for drink driving laws. I think we have all seen people who insist they are not drunk who actually are.

The op hasn't actually said he's unfit to care for the child, has she?

The OP didn't specifically say one way or the other. As I said, personally, I wouldn't have taken the chance (especially not having to drive 20 minutes one way to find out). If he can't take his responsibilities seriously enough to make sure he's sober enough to pick up his own son for contact, then I can't be sure he'll take his responsibilities seriously enough to make sure he's sober enough to care for his son either.

And the flip side is, why should he get a day off from his responsibility just because he had a night out? The rest of us don't.

Very true. I suspect in future the OP will most likely either opt to tell him that he cannot switch the day of the visit (thus he will have to miss the party) or that if he feels the party is more important than contact with his son, that he can simply miss out on contact that weekend, thus negating the problem altogether. Yes, annoying. And you're preaching to the choir on him "getting a day off from his responsibility" as my stbx has seen our dcs a total of once since August, and that's been for a 2 hour visit in town at a Christmas event recently where he barely interacted with them at all. He's turned down an offer to see them the day before Christmas, so I guess he won't see them now until after the holidays as he gave me money to buy Christmas presents for them (£40 - a huge surprise as he refuses to pay maintenance for them) - he can't be bothered to actually go pick something out himself for them.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 12:03

admitted not admittedly. good grief, typo!

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 12:08

I think we are getting way ahead of ourselves by wondering what social services would say if there was an accident. The guy has had a night out.

And presumably she knows how he reacts to alcohol and if they were still together would she have had an issue leaving the child in his care?

Again fitness to drive is not a true indication of overall fitness. We now have a lower drink drive limit in Scotland and i had a bottle of wine and a vodka last night and I wouldn't drive this morning but I'm completely fit to care for the kids.

Hoggle246 · 07/12/2014 12:09

It's fair enough he wants to go to his Christmas party itself blah blah blah, but what I don't think is fair is he agreed to the revised pick up time etc and still got so drunk he couldn't do it. That is a bit disrespectful I think. If I had sole care of my ds the following day including a car journey I would be mindful of this. It doesn't mean you can't have a good time just because you don't drink masses.

And I agree with chunky that 8.30 is a flipping lie in with children.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 12:11

Nicknacky that's all your opinion, obviously. I stand by mine. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2014 12:15

I think he was being sensible not driving in the morning. A Christmas do is a once a year thing. But if he's generally unreliable and a pain then that's a different story.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 12:15

I think the point of this is, if it's a one off then it's no real big deal. If it's part of one going problems then the op is quite right to be annoyed.

We are all human, we make mistakes sometimes and I would hope if h and I split up then we could be flexible and cut each other a bit of slack.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 07/12/2014 12:21

Yanbu op. I would have thought his son was more important than getting drunk, and he did say he would be OK to drove the next morning and wasn't. If you had been drinking after your ds had gone to bed, you might have been over the limit the next morning and he would have missed contact.

But some people on mn are very defensive about parents drinking as if it is some absolute right which may never be taken away by any adult responsibilities you may have. Clearly to them you ex partners right to get drunk trumps any promise he made to you and his son to collect his child for contact.

I would suggest you promise to pick ds up in future from his dads, but warn him you might decide to get too shitfaced to drive the next day and not bother to pick him up. In which case he can drop off ds, and you'll verbally abuse him over his drinking habits. If you warn him in advance you'll still be behaving better than he does.

LittleBairn · 07/12/2014 12:27

My issue would have been his reaction. The attempt to punish you and his deciding what days contact was on. I wouldn't be happy with that and would be makng it clear he won't be makng demands or attempting to control me the contact arrangement still stands.

editthis · 07/12/2014 12:42

I agree, I don't know why you're getting such a hard time, OP! You say you would have swapped weekends with him if he'd given you any notice. And he could have had a few drinks at his Christmas party and had a good time without getting hammered and inconveniencing you in the morning, especially when you had been flexible on his account. In my own experience, I got so used to be designated driver and NOT drinking much when I was pregnant, it's not that hard for me to do it now. But for my husband, although he would if I asked, it would be a complete anomaly; I don't know about anyone else.

If he was over the limit, it is best he was honest about it; though if it were me (being all cynical) I might think he just wanted an extra 20 minutes in bed!

As someone else said, if you were together you might cut him some more slack. But there's not much to be gained from being irritated now so, if you can, I would try and let it go. Festive spirit and all that. And in a way maybe it's good to have got things off your chests. If he DOES feel martyred that he does Saturday nights, at least you know now. Not that you should feel you need to change it - Friday night out, anyone?!

BlairWaldorfHeadBand · 07/12/2014 12:43

It's not up to the OP to remind her ex not to drink too much. He is a grown man who knows he will have his child the next day, it's easy enough to have a couple then stick to cola.
Also OP your ex saying he watches your son so you can go out is really sad. I think it's really telling of his overall attitude.
He is a dad, not a childminder. My friends ex used to say that he watches their dd so she could go out and"act like a slag" then sneer and say no one would want her because she had a kid and was "used goods".

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/12/2014 12:48

8:30 on a Sunday morning and you call that a lie in?!?!?!?!

Tryharder · 07/12/2014 12:49

If it's everytime then YWNBU but as a one off Xmas party then I wouldn't worry.

Waitingonasunnyday · 07/12/2014 12:54

He's a dick. But TBH you sound too involved in each other's lives. The point of him having his own son is to spend time together. Not to 'allow' you a social life or to get to work etc.

What you each do when you don't have your child with you doesn't matter. You could be out earning a fortune, you could be out getting smashed, you could be Morris dancing it doesn't matter.

So he doesn't need to know about your works Christmas do and you don't need to know about his. He just needs to stick to the plan of when he is spending time with his child.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 14:02

Thanks for everyone's replies.

To those that are cutting me a bit of slack and understanding, thank you. The slating I got earlier made me wobble a bit.

Just for the record, when I got there this morning, he was a bit bleary eyed but greeted our son with enthusiam, picked him up, took his coat off etc. Then started to prepare a drink and a snack for him. He was fine to look after our DS.

I am going to apologise to him, for my anger this morning. But I'm also going to tell him that I won't be facilitating any childcare on his contact days, he can sort something out himself if needs be. I'm also going to use a PP's words and tell him he will not be making demands and attempts to control me by suggesting every Sunday night.

OP posts:

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 07/12/2014 14:07

Good for you. I do think you had a right to be angry, I expect if he had to return ds to you when you had promised to pick him up he would be angry with you!

I hope you can sort it out as if he does start using contact as a tool to manipulate you ds will be the one who loses out most.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 14:28

I know and thanks coffee

I text him the other week saying that the minute DS starts to understand his Dad is letting him down, is the minute I'll stop it happening. I've seen first hand the damage a let-down father can have on a young boy and I'll do everything in my power to stop my DS going through that, even if I have to go to court.

OP posts:

Hoggle246 · 07/12/2014 17:07

Just another to say good for you.

And agree re apologising for anger. He deserved it IMO but hopefully your apology will wrong foot him. Also the annoying thing about getting angry is that it gives THEM a reason to react to it and be 'in the right' if you see what I mean rather than concentrating on the actual issue.

Hope it goes well.

faitaccompli · 07/12/2014 18:39

You are not being unreasonable. He must have known about the party but did not bother to make alternative arrangements. He is the father and has as much responsibility as you. What is all this crap about doing "favours" - either he is a parent or he is not! It is not a part time job on the days when he is responsible. I don't ever remember getting the day off from looking after my son because I went to a works do.

I guess I can never understand why going out at Christmas means you have to become so intoxicated that 8 hours later you are still illegal to drive. But that is another whole AIBU ...

rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2014 18:54

I'm not sure why you got a hard time earlier upthread.

Like you say he could have told you a few weeks ago about his christmas party. If he had do you think you would have changed the access day ?

Why were you texting him the other week about letting DS down? Has he regularly been changing arrangements? I'd apologise for being angry in the morning but I'd not be drawn into further conversation and I'd cut right back on the texts.

Cheepypeepy · 07/12/2014 18:58

I agree - it doesn´t sound like he would think it was fair to rearrange to help you, you were doing him a favor and he still took the piss . . .

on the other hand only day a year but still his attitude is that your son isn´t really his responsibility

BobbyJones28 · 07/12/2014 19:06

Sorry love but yabu

Cantbelievethisishappening · 07/12/2014 19:11

Apocalypse so because it's Christmas do, he should get absolutely shit faced and not see his son? hmm
Nevermind then, I'll let him carry on taking the piss.

You asked for responses didn't you? If you only wanted responses that supported your opinion on his behaviour then surely that defeats the whole ideas of AIBU?

If you already believe he is 'taking the piss' why did you post?

BobbyJones28 · 07/12/2014 19:13

If it's a Christmas party he can drink how much he wants I think yabu too "blairwaldorfheadband"

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread