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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry with DS' father?

83 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 09:55

ExP has our DS one night and two days a week, one day during the week and one night at weekend and the consecutive day.

This weeks overnight was Saturday night but he mentioned how it was his works Xmas do on that night so he wouldn't be able to go. I told him to go and have a good time, I would keep DS but to make sure he didn't get arseholed to the point he couldn't drive and pick DS up in the morning. I told him he could have a little lie in and to pick DS up at 8.30 instead of the usual 7am.

Anyway, this morning has arrived and I get a text at 8.45am telling me I needed to drop DS off (20min drive). He'd had too much to drink and couldn't drive.

I got there and told him that from now on he would need to plan his social life around the one night a week he has DS as he clearly couldn't limit himself and that impacts on DS' time with his Dad.

Anyway he went off on one saying that he always does me favours by having DS at the weekend so I could go out?! In my view, he has DS one night a week, not so I can go out but so he can spend time with his son!

He finished by saying he would have DS every Sunday night so I couldn't go out as I was giving him such a hard time about having a drink on his night off! it wasn't his night off, it was his night to have DS and I did him a favour.

AIBU here? He does irritate me and sometimes it's hard for me to see if I'm being harsh on him or not.

OP posts:

mrssmith79 · 07/12/2014 10:39

Haha, textbook YABU / NO I'M NOT!!!
It's a one off, get over yourself.

NancyPurple · 07/12/2014 10:40

OP I do understand your frustration about the freedoms you both have being uneven. But honestly, if it was a one time thing, you need to let it go. Choose your battles wisely. It was a Christmas party, haven't you ever gone out intending to not over do it but got carried away?

And 8.30 is not a lie in in the slightest!

WooWooOwl · 07/12/2014 10:42

'Taking the piss' is subjective.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:43

Actually mrssmith you're right. I asked AIBU and the consensus is yes.

He's got form for various different things. Letting me know days last minute, letting me down etc. It's even got to the point where my childminder has mentioned his lack of communication regarding shifts.

I guess I should apologise to him for being too harsh this morning. I'm just sick of his last minute attitude, it doesn't affect him badly, just me.

OP posts:

Safmellow · 07/12/2014 10:46

My opinion is YANBU. Ex is a grown man and if he wanted a big night out and a proper lie in he should have asked you beforehand. As the resident parent you don't get to turn around to your DS in the morning and say 'Oh I am still a bit too pissed to function properly, sorry'.

I am probably biased as my DD's dad is like this. If anything doesn't go to his plan, instant reaction is 'oh I am not having contact then or am changing the days to suit ME!'

Constantly walking on eggshells is so wearing.

YouTheCat · 07/12/2014 10:47

He should have given you more notice. He will have known about the work Christmas do for at least a few weeks.

And he needs to stop letting his child down.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:47

Safmellow Sucks doesn't it.

OP posts:

Minisoksmakehardwork · 07/12/2014 10:48

Yabu only because you told him he could go to his works do and you would keep hold of ds. You said in your op he said he couldn't go because it was his contact time with ds.

You should have replied with 'oh that's a shame, maybe next year etc'. Instead you handed him the opportunity to be a dick on a plate.

I'd drop it this time as a simple misunderstanding and in future you don't facilitate childcare on his contact weekends. It's up to him to arrange the same as you have done yourself for the following week.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 10:50

And would he not also be in the wrong if he had changed days? And being unable to drive is not the same thing as being too pissed to look after a child.

There is drink driving crack downs at this time of year, and unless he stopped drinking early evening then he could possibly still have been over the limit at 8am this morning. I wouldn't drive.

Yes, in an idea world they would have pre-arranged op dropping him off but aren't we all guilty (even just once)! of going out with good intentions and getting carried away?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 10:51

Personally, I would have told him if he is unable to drive then he is in no state to be caring for a child, and kept ds home.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 07/12/2014 10:54

I don't agree with that Alice

There have been a few occasions when I've known I was still over the limit to drive but fine to interact with people and get on with my day.

OP posts:

MellowAutumn · 07/12/2014 10:54

Lots of single parents o out and look after their children perfectly well the morning after but would be way over the limit to drive.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 10:56

That's fine. I did say "personally" as in my opinion. You did ask AIBU, did you not, inviting opinions?

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 10:58

alice if being unable to drive was an indication of how suitable you were to look after children, then you shouldn't drink a glass of wine while in charge of children. You might not be able to drive but I'm sure you can agree that you would be able to deal with children.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 11:00

But I will point out that you said he'd gotten "shitfaced" and "arseholed" so unless you know how much he was drinking or when he stopped, there is the likelihood that he still was not best placed to be watching a child. He could have been drinking well into the night.

There's a big difference between not knowing what level he is at from a night out boozing and knowing you've had a couple drinks so not taking the chance on driving, but still coherent enough to care for a child.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 11:03

It is possible to get totally pissed and STILL be able to care for children the next day. Do we even know how old the child is?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 11:04

Actually Nicknacky as I have 2 children, both with medical problems, plus one is disabled and one has SNs, I rarely drink alcohol. Occasionally I will have a splash of wine in a glass of diet lemonade, but that's generally the extent of it. There literally is nobody else that can watch them if I've had too much to drink. My stbx is abusive (and drinks heavily) and cannot be responsible for them.

But again, there is a huge difference between someone monitoring their own drinking pattern and making assumptions on someone else's drinking (especially someone who has a track record of being less than responsible).

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 11:09

Alice, I had a feeling you would come back and say you never drink! But a lot of people do and that doesn't make it wrong. Has the op said he isn't responsible? She has said his communication isn't great but that's not the same thing.

I wouldn't want to look after a baby if I've been pissed the night before but 7/8/9/ etc wouldn't be an issue.

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 11:21

Apocalypse so because it's Christmas do, he should get absolutely shit faced and not see his son?

I must have expressed myself poorly because that's the opposite of what I think. I think he chose to get that drunk and if he's not capable if driving he's not up to looking after his child and should forfeit today. I think it's really irresponsible to think that if you're going to have sole care of a child today it's fine to have a heavy hangover from the night before.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 11:25

I didn't say I never drink. And I never said it was wrong to drink. The OP said this:

My works do is next weekend. I know I'm going to have to pick DS up from my Mum's early in the morning, so I have to watch how much I drink and get to bed before 12. It's part and parcel of being a parent. But is it different for him because he's NRP?

And I have absolutely no problem with that at all. She's being responsible.

But the OP has made a number of references to his behaviour, indicating that it is less than responsible:

But, as usual, it was last minute

I generally don't have a go at him for anything, as last time we argued over contact it escalated into verbal abuse and intimidation. Nevermind then, I'll let him carry on taking the piss.

But my point is that the in the case of the OP's Christmas do, she knows how much she is drinking and what the time delay involved is, so she doesn't get sloshed and unable to care for her dc. In the case of her ex's Christmas do, she has no idea how much he's been drinking and how long ago he was drinking. I have seen a fair few Christmas parties (at work) where people were drinking well into the early morning hours (and sometimes not so early morning hours!). She would be well within her rights to refuse the contact in that situation as she doesn't know what level of alcohol is in his system, and a text saying he's still over the limit in the morning isn't hugely promising, is it?

rumbleinthrjungle · 07/12/2014 11:33

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP.

His child stays with him because he is the child's parent. He has parental responsibility. That means organising your time around your child and being responsible about whether or not you can drive or whether or not you're alone in charge of your child with a hangover. He could have rearranged contact, he could have done all kinds of things to manage the situation, if he was a RP he would have had to. Why does the OP need to do the thinking and compensating for him? They're not a couple.

On the days he has the child he IS the parent. It's not the RP's job to enable, support and facilitate and basically take responsibility for him and the child's time together. I wouldn't have blamed you at all for saying ok, if you're not fit to drive today I understand, we'll see you next week.

If he's not happy with contact arrangements or is wanting to use it as a means to harass you (every Sunday) maybe it's time to consider a court order to lay down an objective agreement that can't be fiddled with.

ChunkyPickle · 07/12/2014 11:42

I think the OP is getting a hard time on this - she did him a favour by looking after their child while he went to the party, because he hadn't thought to get alternative childcare or swap nights and all she asked was that he didn't drink so much that he could still look after his child the next day, as usual, which he didn't, and she is understandably annoyed about this (and his digs at her), and because she knows that she will be showing restraint at her Christmas do, because she has a sense of responsibility towards her child that the dad seems to be lacking.

and 8:30am is definitely a lie-in in this house now we have kids!

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 11:42

It's not up to the op to guage how much alcohol is in his system though, is it? I think we have to give the dad enough credit to know if he is fit enough to look after his child. I've been pissed many a time and h has never had to forbid me from looking after my children as most adults can do that satisfactorily.

The op hasn't actually said he's unfit to care for the child, has she?

And the flip side is, why should he get a day off from his responsibility just because he had a night out? The rest of us don't.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2014 11:46

The dad did say he wouldn't go, the op offered to have their son. He didn't need to make any other alternatives.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 07/12/2014 11:48

I think you need to look up the definition of the word "flexibility". Its what makes the world go round.

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