To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

[Kab13]

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

[LoonvanBoon]

I don't even know what "precious" means when used in this kind of context on MN! I get the PFB thing, but here? Is it precious to be knackered & stressed? Is it precious to want to have a pleasant day where you're not being guilt-tripped & harangued?

And the attitude of "it's just one day of the year" cuts both ways. OP & her DH can visit PIL on another occasion, when they've got properly settled into their own home. OP also made it clear it wouldn't just be Christmas lunch, but that they'd be expected to stay until evening or MIL would have another tantrum.

[9Bluedolphins]

I just don't think that you should make an arrangement that means a lot to the PILs, and then back out because you're feeling tired, or might be on the day. It's just one day, you can relax the whole rest of the time. The "you must put your own nuclear family first at all times" stuff is just selfish. The OP seems very concerned about Christmas day being at home all the time, which obviously upsets the PILs. A bit of give and take rather than every year being at home for some new little reason would help relationships, wouldn't it? If really not possible to compromise on this, then negotiate well in advance, and don't let people down at this stage, let alone by text.

[GnomeDePlume]

YANBU

I think that 3 weeks notice is fine. It is Christmas Day being organised not a royal wedding. MiL will have a little bit more leftovers that is all.

Since having DCs we have always had Christmas Day at home. It is just an awful lot more relaxed. We go to PiL/DM a few days before/after Christmas Day. Even though it is the same people in the same room it still manages to be more relaxed. Less of the compulsory jollity I think.

Good luck with the move.

[eddiemairswife]

I don't think 3 week's notice is unreasonable to say you are not coming, especially as there will be other guests. I am completely bemused by all these people whom seem to order food weeks beforehand. Why? My Sainsburys doesn't stock fresh turkeys until about 21st Dec. Fruit and veg need to be bought as late as possible. I speak as a MIL, who doesn't expect weeks of notice about who will or will not be here for Christmas dinner, but I am surprised by the number of MILs who act like spoilt children.

[Kab13]

I do give. I go out of my way every other bloody day of the year and always make myself available to see pil. I have gone out of my way far more than they ever have for us. EVER. I'm asking for 1 day a year where I can just say "come to ours" because every other occasion we go to them.
Yes I should have said this to start with but when I said yes I didn't know we were moving just before Christmas.
How about they react in a semi normal way?
someone pointed out my mum doesn't care because she's my mum?
Funnily enough my mil is dps mum, he was the one to text her. Why can't she be understanding.
"Oh well that's a shame, would still love to see you and come to yours for a bit and watch dd open presents, Christmas Eve would be nice too." Would in my mind be a perfectly normal response.
My relationship with my mil has been very rocky, although she thinks I think she's wonderful she was the LAST person I wanted to see on Xmas when I was heavily pregnant and I envied her round for dds 1st Xmas.
It's really fucking inconvenient we are moving when we are but it can't be helped. That's life and we would like to settle into our home and just collapse on the sofa for the 2 days dp has off over Xmas.
They are more than welcome to join us.
Apart from sending a text (again I really feel it's the best way to avoid drama) I'm not sure what is so bad about what we've decided to do.

[landoflostcontent]

Spectacularly missing the main point but I am a MIL (and older than Kab's) I would prefer a text in this situation to give me time to put on a sensible voice and say "of course it's fine" so I didn't let my family see I was disappointed. However I do not think from what Kab has said that this is going to happen and I can quite see why they sent a text.

[Costacoffeeplease]

I'm not sure what is so bad about what we've decided to do.

So after the majority of people explaining it and saying YABU, you still don't think you are? So a) why post in AIBU? And b) crack on, you obviously feel completely ok with it

I cannot bear my mother in law and haven't seen her for a couple of years (we're in different countries) but even I think you've handled it very badly, and I'm not generally sympathetic to awkward MILs

[Kab13]

"Yes I should have said this to start with"
I did acknowledge I've been unreasonable / should probably have told dp to speak to his mum.
Life got in the way of Xmas plans. I shall try & make up for not going.
What do else do people expect, blood?

[Kab13]

A lot of people have said 3 weeks is plenty of notice but everyone has said it's shitty & rude to cancel by text (with a few posters understanding why we felt it best to do it that way even if it does seem rude)
From this i conclude I shouldn't have let dp send the text & probably shouldn't have agreed it go when we didn't really want to anyway, let alone just after we've moved.

[MorelliOrRanger]

Fair enough you want to have Xmas at home, but cancelling by text is rude.

Bloody modern technology encourages people to avoid any sort of comeback.

[HolgerDanske]

You keep talking as if most people are getting on your case. They're not. I reckon the overwhelming majority has said you're fine and justified and to too bad about the text, it wasn't ideal, but it's not the end of the world. A few have even said they do understand why you sent a text rather than doing it by phone, seeing as your MIL is such a drama queen.

You need to stop feeling as if you have to keep justifying it to everyone. It's done now and it's ok. Let it go now and just relax a bit.

Enjoy your Christmas.

[capsium]

Added to what Holger said your DH is his own person. It is not up to you to 'let' him send a text or not. This is his mum and he is more comfortable texting, what does that tell you?

I really hope you have a fab Christmas at home and you ILs get over themselves.

[capsium]

And I love modern technology sometimes ! As Morelli said, no comeback!

[Icimoi]

I think there's an awful lot to be said for issuing a decree that you will neither to be going to see anyone else nor having anyone else round on Christmas Day. See them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, but not Christmas Day itself. I know so many people whose Christmases are made miserable by these stupid arguments about which set of relatives they're seeing, or because they spend virtually the whole of Christmas Day driving between relatives.

[MinceSpy]

Kab your grounds to cancel are reasonable. The text was a bit rude but again I understand your reasoning, now your DH needs to ring his parents and explain what has happened and verbally invite them round for what ever meal/time you both feel you can cope with. The in-laws need to know that you've also cancelled seeing your parents as well as they are bound to be disappointed.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Why are ppl saying its short notice?! It's 3 weeks. 3 weeks!! She might have thought about the menu, but surely wont have bought the fresh stuff yet! And if she's bought a massive turkey, she can have sarnies on Boxing Day and then make a curry! Maybe a txt was s bit unreasonable but OP has said why she didn't call.
Don't worry about it OP. It's hardly a third world problem.

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

FairPlay to you OP for realising that you and your DH were unreasonable about the text.

I think you are were also being unreasonable to cancel at such short notice though. I get the whole back story but I still think it's a bit mean to to say you would go and then back out. I thunk the reasoning that you have just moved house won't sound like a good excuse to your PIL. If anything it sounds like a good reason to go out rather than stay home.

Out of interest, was it you or your DH who originally came up with the idea not to go to your PILs?


It sounds as though the relationship between you, your DH and your In laws is quite fragile and that you are all on edge with one another. (Admittedly your mil sounds like hard work). In future, you and your DH need to give things a bit more thought. It will be in all of your interests. It might work out better for you if you are all extra nice to them - they might become less defensive they might not though I get on well with my MIL but I don't get involved with anything - I turn up to things and smile and nod.

I would also suggest that you leave things to your DH to sort out. They are his family after all. Can he visit them on his own or with the DC from time to time. A bit of 'divide and conquer' works well in our household.

You DH is a bit of a oil lock to send another text and not speak to them but , meh, it's his family

Havea great Xmas

[Kab13]

Yeah, some people do think it's short notice. I think if I knew she had got all stuff in etc I wouldn't cancel but they literally have just moved back home so I know they haven't.
It is a bit harsh, I see that now but she's not got stuff in and she is still welcome to see us and we want to make them dinner Christmas Eve and spend Xmas weekend with them so it's more than I'm seeing my family and more than mil had ever bothered with her own mother or mil.
If us cancelling was going to leave them sat at home alone I wouldn't even think about it.
It was me who said "Xmas is going to be chaos, I wish we could skip it this year" and dp asked me if it would be better just to stay at home and relax as he only gets Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and we have to move and sort things between/after work, giving us no time as a family. I agreed.
I always say to dp to go and spend time with them, to go in a biker use with his dad or something but he doesn't want to. He is sick of being got at by his parents and says they are a lot worse when I'm not there and really lay into him.
I don't know, they are tough to keep happy.

[Kab13]

Biker use? *bike ride

[EveDallasRetd]

I don't think it's short notice. I said before I had to unavoidably cancel once with 2 days notice. THATS short, 3 weeks isn't. But you know what, the world didn't end, MIL and FIL lived through it, we saw them as soon as we could (end of Jan) and NO-ONE sulked with ANYONE.

[Kab13]

eve sounds like you have a semi normal family, congratulations !
Jealous.

[Kab13]

He didn't get a promotion this year, his father called him a failure and his mum cried, whilst clinging on to fils arm.
This sort of thing happens regularly and only when we are at there hence why I try to avoid the place :L

[Chottie]

I also think no matter what your reasons are, to cancel by text was rude.