To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

[Kab13]

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

[LoonvanBoon]

I start doing stuff for Christmas early too, to spread the expense; but it doesn't mean that it would all go to waste if plans changed.

Have already made a casserole & other bits & bobs for when PIL come to visit post-Christmas: but if they cancel (possible if there's bad weather - they're a long way away) the stuff will just stay in the freezer for another time. If the turkey's too big, some of that can be frozen too. The practical stuff really isn't the end of the world.

I do think that if adults have form for throwing tantrums / screaming when they don't get their own way, then they must bear some of the moral responsibility if their relatives / friends have a lower tolerance for drama & end up using avoidance tactics (eg. texting rather than speaking face-to-face) when dealing with them. No, it's not ideal, but many people find this kind of fuss unbearably stressful.

I used to work with a woman like this - a total drama queen, & very confrontational - & I am arsey enough to have stood my ground with her. Many other colleagues went out of their way to avoid having to have direct contact with her, though, even if that meant some of their behaviour (emailing stuff that might have been better said) could seem impolite. Anyone who knew the woman could understand it!

[capsium]

It'll be fine OP. Don't make yourself ill with stress. If they start name calling just ignore it. You say they don't visit anyway. If they do, just be lovely to them, don't take any bait. In the meantime don't answer your phone to them and let DH deal with this. Enjoy your lovely Christmas, in your new home with your own little family.

[OnlyLovers]

Well, I think YANBU and people on here are excelling at the guilt-trip thing, never mind your MIL!

Sending your cancellation by text might not be the best manners, but there is clearly not a sensible, civilised relationship here. I wouldn't feel too bad about doing this to someone who 'throws a HUGE paddy' and 'cries and screams' when they don't get their own way, and phones you to shout at you for getting dirt on the doormat.

Have a nice relaxed Christmas in your own home with your DP and DD.

[cingolimama]

I've been firmly in the YABU camp, but you've realised this now, so there's hope. OK Kab, here's what you do:

1. Take a deep breath.
   
   
2. Forgive yourself for being stressed, insensitive and hasty.
   
   
3. Take an even deeper breath and then go and see your MIL with flowers and apologise for being insensitive and hasty. Be loving and generous, even if you don't feel like it. Give her a hug and tell her how important they are in your life and your DC's life. Apologise again. Hug her again. Basically you're going to love bomb your MIL.
   
   I know you're cringing as you read this. But this will work, and you will feel less stressed, and perhaps even a bit .... Christmassy.
   
   good luck, OP.

[MurderonthetopCs]

I agree that texting is not the right way. You should have phoned or popped round. And it will be harder to call now, not to apologise, but to fill in your reasons. As for your Mum, she's alright with it because she's yourMum!

[capsium]

Don't they want to spend time in your new house anyway? It could be like a special house warming. The Gran might love it..

[ItMustBeBedtimeSurely]

I think it's a bit rude to cancel at the last minute, but can totally see your reasoning, and TBH, I might well have done the same thing.

It's clear you don't want to go to them on Xmas day, and I think in future it would be absolutely fine to stay at home and invite them you - ime this is generally how it works when people have children. Did mil travel to her in laws for Xmas when dh was young?

Honestly, if she's as bad as you say with laying on the guilt, I'd steer clear of grovelling too much. Say you're sorry, buy her a nice Xmas present but no need to prostrate yourselves. You've got good reasons to stay at home.

[Kab13]

Gran and grandad will love it. They're lovely people. A little odd but lovely

[LoonvanBoon]

Agree with the first 2 points of cingolimama's post. Couldn't disagree more with point 3), for all the reasons outlined above!

Weirdly enough, behaving like a doormat / pandering to an adult who screams at me for dirtying their doormat (too many doormats there) wouldn't make me feel particularly Christmassy.

[Kab13]

Hahah! Dp never got to see his fathers family or his mother family especially not at Christmas!
Gran told me she invites mil up every year and she never ever comes.
Mil says she refuses to go up to where fil and her a from because they all live in a horrible town and there houses are dated.
Dps aunty doesn't speak to mil because she says she's isolated fil from his family.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

capsium has a good idea about making it into a special house warming - a fantastic Christmassy special housewarming that you only get to do once in this new home of yours and you want all the family involved etc... Try and turn the negative into a positive and invite the whole family around - get nibbles & food from Iceland or wherever and wine and drink and have a hell of a housewarming but make sure that they are invited and that you make a special fuss over them when they show up. Someone else suggested 'love bombing' and that's not a bad suggestion either. Go OTT on them (as far as is possible) and be tactile and huggy and you wont be giving your MIL any ammunition to be negative about.

Enjoy your Christmas, wherever you end up spending it!

[BarbarianMum]

I think point 3) is fine but it should be your dh doing it - it's his mum. But don't agree to spend Christmas there again now or ever.

[MistressDeeCee]

But it doesn't matter if she cries down the 'phone to DP - she's his mum he knows how to deal with that its really not for you to involve or concern yourself with.

You've not been to PIL for 3 consecutive christmases..yes you have valid reasons (although dds 1st christmas could have been spent with all of you at PIL really, would have been nice for her grandparents to be a part of that).

You obviously don't want to spend christmas there which is up to you of course, but if you know that then don't accept arrangements in the 1st place just say no after all, its going to be awkward either way. There's nothing worse than saying yes to arrangements and then dropping out - and via text is impolite to say the very least. You are looking at it as priming them 1st so they can digest info - they are likely looking at it that you've cancelled yet another christmas at short notice, and in an impersonal way; you aren't able to just choose other people's reactions.

Im one that loves to stay at home too so I can understand how you feel. Its just there are better ways of dealing with this. YABU.

[Kab13]

I haven't cancelled 3 Christmas' ! They have been invited to all of them! Inc dds 1st Xmas. It would've been nice for grandparents to be involved in that wouldn't it ? If it's so important to them why did they CHOOSE to spend it alone?

[Kab13]

And dp doesn't know how to handle mil crying. Not one bit. He just goes silent whilst she emotionally blackmails him and sobs and he does anything to get her to stop.

[capsium]

There is no 'reasonable' when dealing with someone who is so very difficult. Sometimes you have to be firm and risk upsetting them. Your poor DH. If his mother does that I suggest he leaves the phone on the side till the noise has stopped. Then say "I'm sorry you feel like that, but we won't be changing our mind. Love you, goodbye."

[Ohmygrood]

It all sounds really stressful for you - especially with moving and having a young child.

Well dh has sent the text so he can sort it out. It may not be a bad thing for him to stand up to his mum for once based on what you've posted.

[HolgerDanske]

Oh I didn't mean that there's any actual need for OP to actually have the moral high ground - I think she's perfectly justified in wanting to stay away from all that crap - I just meant for her own sake, as she seems to find it so very stressful to engage with ILs, it would be better if she could say no, actually I've not put one foot wrong. It would give her the courage of her convictions.

Three weeks is plenty of notice, as far as I'm concerned. Not ideal but it couldn't be helped. Moving is stressful and it doesn't matter if 1000 other people did it in two days and hosted christmas for 50 the week after just fine, that's not you and it's not how you feel. Your DH should just call and apologise for having to change things at this late stage, and leave it at that.

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

I've only read half way down but as someone that is moving a week before Xmas with a 1 year old yanbu.
The txt may be seen as bad form but if she is a nightmare to deal with an that's how you communicate then I don't really see a problem with it.
You can't please everyone, you've cancelled at short notice due to a change in your circumstances.
they are invited to your house which is what I'm doing, thou we haven't confirmed anything with anyone or bought any food yet as we are moving.
I believe children stay in their own house for Xmas if possible,so traditions change, so more than likely your mil is annoyed that she's not the one hosting, tough in my opinion.
Good luck with the move.

[Kab13]

Thanks yellow good luck to you too!

[9Bluedolphins]

You sound quite precious, making such a big deal about what you do on one day of the year, and apparently hurting PILs' feelings about it. I'd have thought you could have gone for Christmas lunch and a few hours around that, and enjoyed the rest of your holiday at home.

[Kab13]

Told dp to phone his mother and discuss Christmas Eve and coming to ours on Xmas day in the evening after dinner and have some wine and good etc and he bloody texts her again.
I give up.
He can deal with this shit now.
Even when we desperately try to be the most considerate, accommodating and kind people we can they still tell us we aren't doing enough for them. So I can imagine now we've actually been pretty selfish (it doesn't happen very often) there will be no reply followed by a guilt trip as crying beyond any extent I've witnessed so far!
Hey ho merry christmas everyone !

[Kab13]

Maybe I am precious. I don't know.
I am however very tired, very stressed and just want to have a couple of days at home with my family welcoming whoever wishes to come after they've had their Christmas dinner.
If that makes me precious then I guess I am.

[capsium]

It'll be worth it in the long run, OP. This controlling behaviour cannot be allowed to continue. Merry Christmas, and enjoy your precious moments together!

[yellowsnownoteatwillyou]

You are not being precious, you are doing what you want for your family, stick to your guns.
As you said they are not alone, if they have bought things they are having people round anyway, you have offered other options to see their grandchild and son in the festive period, because lets be honest it's not really about you that she's probably moaning about.
Don't back down