To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

[Kab13]

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

[magpieginglebells]

Why ask if you're being unreasonable if you won't accept you are?

[Kab13]

I'm sorry, our relationship with my pil is very difficult. If we could pop over for a cup of tea and have an adult discussion about it and get an adult response we would have.
As a family we find my mil's hysteria everytime we don't do what she wishes very tough and challenging.
She has cried and name called over not being able to stay for dinner before and dp gets flooded with emotional blackmail.
We really do have our reasons

[Kab13]

Because I feel that people aren't understanding why we have decided to cancel.

[magimedi]

Very rude to cancel by text & so close to the date.

Don't think you'll have a problem next year as doubt if you will be invited.

YABVU

[SoftSheen]

YABU and very rude. You can't cancel a Christmas day engagement at 3 weeks notice without a very good reason. Planning Christmas dinner takes time and effort and they have probably already ordered/paid for food.

The timing might not be ideal for you, but I can't really understand why having moved two weeks previously prevents you from driving to someone else's house for the day (especially when you haven't spent the last two Christmases with them either).

[NancyRaygun]

unless it's at hers she doesn't want to see us Xmas day... but you are saying the same right? I completely understand your desire to spend Xmas in your new home, and I think most loving parents would too. BUT to cancel suddenly and by text (yes, I have read your updates, it still is a bit off) a big deal like Christmas, that she was obviously looking forward to is just not OK in my opinion. I think you need to put yourself in her shoes - imagine you had invited guests that you really really wanted to see, and who you already felt a little distanced from, they said 'yes', you got excited, then they cancel 3 weeks out by text? I would be very hurt.

[BarbarianMum]

YABU, rude (cancelling by text) and inconsiderate (cancelling 3 weeks before Christmas). If you were the next door neighbour but one this wouldn't matter but you are family. Maybe they were keen to see their grandchildren on Christmas Day?

Inviting someone for nibbles does not make up for ditching them on Christmas Day btw.

But lots of others have pointed these things out to you and you won't accept it so doubt you'll listen to me, either.

[EveDallasRetd]

They've had 20 days notice, I think that is fine. We once had to cancel Xmas at the in-laws on 23rd, now that was a pain in the arse, especially as it was meant to be me cooking down there.

No, text isn't ideal, but if she has form for being overly dramatic and manipulative in person or by phone, then she's bought it one herself (and I find it amusing to see so many people being against this, when the advice given most often in the 'relationships' threads is that contact with people like that should always be by email or text)

It's done now OP, there is no point in beating yourself up about it (or listening to other people do that for you) - it won't change the outcome.

[Babyroobs]

I can completely understand why they would be upset. It is short notice to cancel and rude to text.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

YABU to cancel (regardless of method) with such short notice. I think you should have offered a compromise, so maybe having the morning at home with your DC and then going to theirs for lunch, leaving early to have the evening at home. Then if MIL kicks off about that then she's clearly unreasonable, as it stands I can understand why she might be annoyed (although not condoning crying and guilt tripping)

We moved into our first house about 6 weeks before Christmas and still went as planned for lunch at Christmas. We would have liked it at our house but the arrangements had been made and it's unfortunate but it's one day. We had our own Christmas in our own house the following year.

[NancyRaygun]

PS I have the MiL from hell: think Kim Kardashian attitude with Mrs Twit personal hygiene and you would be in the ball park. So I know what a nightmare negotiating hard work PiL can be. But in this instance it sounds like you and your DH have handled it wrong.

[BarbarianMum]

If your relationship is already difficult then why go out of your way to make it worse? My MiL is lovely but I can certainly imagine her in tears if we pulled this stunt (not that she'd say anything to us).

[NewEraNewMindset]

Kab font get yourself upset, this area of the board always attracts people who want to about YABU regardless of any further messages explaining the situation more fully.

I think you wanted her to have sent you a text in reply saying 'that's ok, don't worry' and instead you have received total silence so you are now feeling really crap about it.

I think you need to take onboard the comments suggesting that maybe you actually just want to have Xmas at home every year. I assume you say yes to invitations to keep the peace but as the date approaches you jump on the chance to change your plans and stay at home after all. In the future it's probably better to arrange to visit family over Christmas but not on Christmas Day. They might not like it but they will have to lump it and see you on another day instead.

In the meantime leave your MIL to stew (assuming she got the message if course!) and deal with it when you next see her. Take flowers! Be apologetic, but don't go agreeing to stuff you don't want to do!

[Tzibeleh]

I don't think you ever wanted to spend Christmas with your ILs at all. Perfectly understandable, but you've gone about it in a dishonest and inflammatory way.

(When we were offered a completion date just before Christmas I accepted it on the proviso that we did Christmas at MIL's! Not because I especially love her, but because I did not want the stress of unpacking and settling into a new home at the same time as the stress of making Christmas work. Nothing restful about it. So, to my mind, your rational is bizarre.)

[NewEraNewMindset]

don't shout

Apologies

[Kab13]

Okay. So if I am being unreasonable there's really nothing I can do about it now is there?
I have envied them round if they wish and expressed we would love to see them Christmas Eve and the Weekend after Xmas, what else can I do?
I feel bad now. Clearly I was being inconsiderate. I would be upset too, but I wouldn't treat my child and their family the way she does us.
I can't text and say " actually I've just realised I'm being very unfair, we would love to come as long as you're happy to have us" because they know we don't want to come now.
She has rejected us for the past 2 Christmas' that's why she hasn't seen us. We would've gone if we weren't moving next week.

[NewEraNewMindset]

Oh FFS that should have read

• don't
  
• shout
  
  As corrected typos in original post. My phone fucking hates me.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Sorry - I agree that this is quite rude.

Firstly, surely it will be less stressful for you after a big move to go to mil's for Xmas?

Secondly, she could well have ordered the food (I know that I have) and been looking forward to having all of you and her in-laws at the house for christmas. I assume that your DH's grandparents are fairly elderly so there won't be many more opportunities for that.

I really do think this is rude and I would get your DP to call her, apologise and say that you will come after all

[NancyRaygun]

I would be upset too, but I wouldn't treat my child and their family the way she does us I hear you. I bet she doesn't really deserve your consideration. But by maybe buying some flowers and apologising in person, or a note on the flowers?? you regain the moral high ground and then she can sulk all she wants.

[Triliteral]

It sounds like you are struggling with an unreasonable MIL, so I can understand that you are in difficulties. I think you have to be more definite about what you want though.

It sounds to me, as if your preference is always going to be that you want to stay home. 'It was DDs first Christmas and we wanted to be home for that' seems like a thinly disguised "We wanted to be home for Christmas.' If your PILs were wonderful, DD could have had a wonderful Christmas at theirs, just as easily as at home.

Equally, if you've just moved, then it might be that you would want to go somewhere else for a rest if it was going to be pleasant. I know I wouldn't let a house move a week and a half before Christmas put me off going somewhere I wanted to go. It seems to be that these are close to being excuses, rather than reasons.

If that is the case, and you really don't want to go to PILs for Christmas, then don't get yourself persuaded into arranging something you don't want. There's nothing wrong with it. You should do whatever works for you. But because you arranged something and then realised you didn't want to go ahead, you have put yourself in a difficult position where whatever you did, you were going to be rude yourself. I totally get the idea that you wouldn't want to phone, and if you are going over there soon, hopefully it can be smoothed over (or not, if MIL is so awful). But better in future not to create any situation where you might want to back out and thus give her genuine cause for grievance. Your conscience will then be clear.

[fpasko]

Do what we do :) Share lots of picture with them and they tend to stop being intrusive. Use something like tinymo and invite them in. they'll feel part of what's going on and that'll settle it for while ;)

[Kab13]

Yes. I will apologise and give her a gift. It will probably prompt the upset we were trying to avoid but hey.
Eughhh. I hate Christmas

[Lottiedoubtie]

I totally get that she is usually massively unreasonable and you have a poor relationship with her- you say largely her fault, fair enough.

But on this issue you have been unreasonable and it's especially bizarre behaviour from you if you knew she would kick off. Honestly? If you have any respect for her at all I would go round there with flowers and grovel. Tell her you're sorry, the stress of moving got to you and of course you would still love to go for lunch and then bloody well go and let her have the Christmas she planned and was already looking forward too.

Then next year (and every year thereafter if you like) make it abundantly clear by September that you are staying at home.

[NancyRaygun]

I think I hate Christmas too - this year is the first year with the inlaws and I am dreading it. I have been spectacularly unfair as they have never seen their GC on Christmas Day but god, they are a nightmare.

Good luck OP! Don't have this all on your shoulders, they are not your parents. Get your DH to send the flowers and worry about it! oh and have lots of this

[Kab13]

Oh ffs. Feel like I've maid a royal cock up now.
I wouldn't have agreed to Xmas if we knew we had to move.
And if dd would have a nice time there it would be easier. She's not allowed to be a child at pil but I knew that when I agreed to it .
Just stupid of me.