To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

[Kab13]

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

[RaisingMen]

Your parents in law are incredibly manipulative. I hope you realise this. I'd think very hard before giving into their emotional blackmail next time.

[LoonvanBoon]

Read the thread, Lomega - OP is actually going now. Her post is only a few above yours.

Hope it's not too bad, Kab - & good luck with the move.

[Lomega]

I'm afraid I'm one of those people that thinks cancelling pre-made plans is rude (unless it's an emergency). I do think that it's nice you want to spend christmas with your family in your new home all together, but your parents/ILs were probably banking on spending time with you and DD especially if you have been in hospital a lot this year. If you wanted time alone you should really have said so when asked about going to parents/ILs instead of cancelling plans now.

[Kab13]

No. I'm having my Christmas day I. Boxing Day this year. :L

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

Oh well, at least it's sorted. Next year you can plan ahead a bit more carefully.

Hope it goes ok (although I wouldn't blame you for not getting your hopes up)

[Kab13]

I didn't send the text dp did! So the whole "I hope my ds's partner wouldn't do that" is completely irrelevant.
Saw them today, they haven't bought anything at all as I said they've only just come home from holiday.
Also the text was a little more then "oh we ain't coming anymore soz"
For what it's bloody worth we are going now as fil really wanted us there and practically begged.
I'm not a selfish person I think I've expressed that clearly in my comments.
Meh. This could go on forever.
Happy Christmas everyone

[slithytove]

Sorry thread hadn't loaded!

Still apologise but I understand why you did now

[Boredshitless]

YABU

they were looking forward to you visiting at Christmas (in three weeks) no doubt started planning, buying bits and bobs, etc.

You then TEXT oh sorry not coming!

How would you feel if someone you were looking forward to seeing did that to you?

Not really in the spirit of Christmas is it?

[slithytove]

YABU, very rude, I would apologise and ask if you could change your mind as the stress of moving was getting to you both.

[Cornonthecob]

Oh dear yabu to cancel by text.

I hope my DS's partner wouldn't do that to me....

How does your DH feel? It's only a day and imho won't it be nice not to have to do any cooking etc in your own home? You have many more Christmases there...but understand you have only moved in but to change your mind so close to Christmas isn't nice...

Good luck

[makapakasdirtysponge]

I can see why you wouldn't want to spend Xmas with them hous move or not, they sound awful tbh

Yes it may have been rude and a bit inconsiderate to text/cancel but still no where near as rude as they sound.

In future, yes try not to mess them about but I think doing what they want to keep the peace is a bad idea as you are playing into their hands.

[BingBong36]

If you had made arrangements to see them Xmas day then you need to suck it up and go, they were probably really looking forward to it and hosting Christmas Day ?, txting them is not on, it's very rude.

I would call them today and say you were feeling overwhelmed but would live to spend Christmas with them, enjoy someone else cooking for you!

[KeatsiePie]

Hey. Don't feel bad. I think this line you wrote Just shouldn't have said we would spend Christmas there in the first place is the heart of it.

You never wanted to go to theirs for Xmas b/c they don't treat you guys that well, and you want to start your own happy family traditions. That is totally okay.

The problem is that difficult people, like your ILs, are, well, difficult. You should have told them ages ago that you were starting your own tradition of staying home and they were welcome on x or y day. They would have raged and cried but you would have been doing it the right way. But b/c they are difficult, you chickened out and said you'd come when you didn't want to.

Now you have an excuse to get out of it. You texted, which was rude, so they have a right to be offended. So you'll have to deal with that this year. Say you're sorry for texting instead of calling. Say you're sorry you can't come. Invite them for x or y day, offer to come on x or y day. And move on to plan your own nice Christmas.

And next year, tell everyone in August!

[Mouthfulofquiz]

Shit! This thread has made me extremely anxious about getting a turkey!! Should I have ordered it in July?

[JT05]

How would you feel if she had been the one to text you saying you were no longer welcome on Christmas Day?

[HappyYoni]

Or rather, in this case, where two people meet who are both trying to put their own wishes first, it can become explosive!

[HappyYoni]

I think Christmas can be quite divisive, bit like toilet brushes. There are those who approach it with a sense of 'this is a time to be self sacrificing and try to make others happy' attitude, and these are those who think 'this is all a about me and I am entitled to do whatever it takes to make me happy' and when the two meet it is always explosive.

[Janethegirl]

Fuck! life is always too short to do your duty as you put it.

Messalina doing duties is like cleaning after kids, cats and other animals that need your input. Like snakes, fish and others that have to depend on a human to provide their essentials.

[messalina]

I think Christmas is a time to suck it up and do your duty, no matter how stressful life is. Sorry!

[RaisingMen]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You've given your reasons for texting, and to be honest it's not like the turkey is already in the oven is it?

Don't be guilt tripped. You've let her know, she's chosen to not reply. Now enjoy your family Christmas in your new home

[CrapBag]

Sorry I'd only read the first page where a lot of posters were piling in even after you'd explained.

[Janethegirl]

Crapbag you are so right. I have no idea what I'm cooking on Xmas day or how many people are coming. It's far too early to care. Will go shopping around 23 dec and I may get it right.

It's not that relevent unless you may be cooking for 4 or 24 then some planning is needed.

[CrapBag]

OP I'd give up on this thread if I were you. People are just not listening to you. Most people I know haven't even finalised their plans for Christmas so all this shot about you cancelling at short notice is bullshit.

You are moving house ffs! It's stressful and especially just before Christmas. It is perfectly natural to want Christmas in your new home (as someone who is also spend get Christmas in their new home).

Your DO obviously didn't see a problem sending a text. Usually on MN when there an issue with a MIL posters get told they have a DH problem and he has to deal with it. So he has and you are getting a pasting. This place utterly baffles me sometimes.

Your reason for texting is perfectly reasonable. Why would you want to have to listen to loads of shouting, screaming and guilt tripping! If you had phoned and got all that abuse the posted, people would be telling you not to bother going.

Do what you want to do and have a great Christmas in your new home.

[Janethegirl]

Kab I am around the same age as your dmil and I would not have been the least bit bothered re your change of plans. My Ds and gf will probably let me know their plans for Xmas on 24 dec. it doesn't matter to me one bit if they come or don't on Xmas day.

However I'm pretty laid back about that sort of stuff so feeding 4/6/8 won't really be that big a deal as the turkey can always be stretched with more pigs n blankets, veggies, roasties etc

However I understand that many people are more bothered about that sort of advance planning. Maybe because I'm crap at it, I understand that changes may well be made nearer the event.

Have a happy Christmas regardless of where you may end up

[Opopanax]

They sound a bit bonkers, tbh. Post in Relationships - you'll get a much fairer hearing.