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AIBU?

To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

180 replies

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 08:55

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

OP posts:

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HolgerDanske · 05/12/2014 10:00

You deserve a happy Christmas at home, the way you like it, with family who treat you well. From now on commit to that and don't be bullied into spending precious family time with people who don't enhance your happiness.

Apologise for messing them about (don't grovel, not necessary - you do have a pretty good reason after all, moving is very stressful and you'll be exhausted), offer to pay a bit towards food if they've bought loads. Enjoy your Christmas in your new home.

People who act like spoilt brats shouldn't be surprised when others don't want to spend time with them.

Ohmygrood · 05/12/2014 10:04

They do sound awful, but cancelling 3 weeks before christmas is very thoughtless and your PIL will be upset.

Get dh to phone them and explain exactly why you can't go. Perhaps you can find a way to work round it. Surely having dinner at PIL's and then going home will be a a lot less fuss than having it at home anyway!

capsium · 05/12/2014 10:06

Maybe text was not the best way to cancel but I totally understand why you chose this method. If confrontation causes arguments it is best sometimes to write / text. It is sad they feel upset, however they don't 'own' your Christmas.

It is perfectly understandable to want to spend the day in your own house with your own immediate family. Your family does include you and should also reflect your wishes, in part. Somethings you compromise on, some things you don't - it is give and take.

Tbh we had this argument with various ILs in years ago. They got over it. We don't want to travel, we want to spend the day in our own house. We visit over the Christmas holiday period but not on the day. We are more pleased when we do see them this way.

dustarr73 · 05/12/2014 10:06

Well then Kab13 yanbu you told them soon enough.Just dont make plans for next year.Once i had kids i stayed put and made my own traditions.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:06

Thing is they won't let us just do dinner at there. It will turn into dinner at 3 and we will have to go there for 2 and stay until 8 because otherwise we will be told we are. "Using" them. If we could do that I would, honestly. It'd definitely be easier.

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LoonvanBoon · 05/12/2014 10:08

Kab, you've obviously got bigger issues with MIL than just the question of this year's Christmas plans.

I do agree with other posters that a text cancellation isn't very polite. But I can see why you chose that method of communication, if you knew that tears, hysteria & emotional blackmail would follow any verbal cancellation.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You're right, you shouldn't have agreed to spend Christmas with them in the first place - they sound bloody awful. But you & DH need to spend some time sorting out future strategies for handling this difficult relationship. It's easy to text / email & run to avoid face-to-face contact with an awkward person, but it's not the most effective or assertive way to manage things.

In the long term, you need to find ways to communicate your plans clearly, without endless self-justificiation, to repeat as required, & to remove yourselves if MIL won't behave like a civilized person.

In this case, I think you may need to apologize, but not in a grovelling way. You're sorry about the short notice, you shouldn't really have accepted the invitation, but you didn't know the move would be happening so quickly. No, there really isn't any way you can face going elsewhere for Christmas so soon after the move, but PIL are welcome to visit you. Yes, you probably shouldn't have texted. But you know, MIL, you do tend to shout & cry when we try & talk to you about things, & it's very stressful. We're sorry you're upset, but that is what you're going to be doing this Christmas - etc. etc.

capsium · 05/12/2014 10:12

Don't worry, I bet they'll get over it anyway. And if they don't, well you would have hated spending every Christmas with them - not fair on your DD.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:12

I feel like I've given her a reason to behave irrationally now.
Fucking idiot.

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HolgerDanske · 05/12/2014 10:12

Don't ever again say you'll spend Christmas Day with them. Just say that you aren't going to, and stick to that. They're not nice, your MIL is awful and you have loads of trouble with them. Thing is as long as you go along with things you give people like that a whole lot of power over you. Being clear from the outset is best because it leaves no room for complaints that you have been rude or thoughtless or self-centred. You must have the moral high ground.

Innocuoususername · 05/12/2014 10:13

I think you just need to get through the next few weeks (apologise for the text, move house, have the Xmas you want in your house) then think about how you go forward with the whole reflationship in the new year.

It sounds as though you're not getting anywhere by bending over backwards, so I'd certainly start by looking at changing that.

As for them not wanting to come to you, well that's their choice. My ILs moved a long way away on retirement. Their choice. They thought that the big family xmases at their house would continue. We were very clear from the outset that actually, we wanted the kids to wake up at home on Xmas morning. They have an open invite to come to ours, which they have never taken up. That's their choice, and I won't put up with any emotional blackmail because of it. It's just easier if everyone knows where they stand.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:14

capsium & loon you're both right.
Thank you.
Now sat here worried about the drama I've probably started.

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whois · 05/12/2014 10:15

I think you're being really U to cancel at shirt notice, and to have sent a bloody text. You or DH really really should have called them.

capsium · 05/12/2014 10:16

I would say you don't even need the 'moral high ground'. You are human and it would take incredible patience to behave reasonably with someone as over bearing as your PiL sound. This is a sensible decision. You know your limits!

capsium · 05/12/2014 10:17

View the drama as being healing, allow your MiL her grief at not being the matriarch of the family...

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:19

That's exactly it. Think that's why she's chosen not to see us for the last 2 Christmas' she's used to being the host etc and would rather spend Xmas alone than not be

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Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:21

And I must be really unorganised, if say 3 weeks is plenty of notice.
Not saying I'm right but just shows that I do everything last minute

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capsium · 05/12/2014 10:21

Well it will be a culture shock for her but hopefully she'll come round and begin to enjoy her new role as a Granny. If you are more relaxed this will show too. Just be kind but firm on the things that are important to you.

capsium · 05/12/2014 10:23

3 weeks is fine. If she's that organised she'll have a massive freezer. Any way I'm sure the local church could help her distribute any extra food to people who would really appreciate it.

lem73 · 05/12/2014 10:25

If they're like my dps they'll have started buying stuff in October and are really looking forward to seeing you. You shouldn't cancel on anyone by text but especially older people.
Fwiw dh and I have had two stressful years and nothing could justify letting parents of either side down. My mum gets really stressed on Christmas with all the cooking (which she insists only she can do!) but we grin and bear it.
When I first married dh we had to go to his grans every Sunday for dinner and I bloody hated it but we don't go any more because she's too infirm. Now I feel guilty for moaning and I feel bad for her as I know it made her happy. Parents aren't around forever.
I'm afraid yabu.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:26

They aren't really old. They are. 55.
And I know parents aren't around forever. Trust me.

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capsium · 05/12/2014 10:28

lem I think this depends on your relationship with them. Sometimes doing something you really hate does not help at all. Sometimes you have to make a stand to forge a better relationship.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:30

I'm so stressed now .
I didn't want to go because it would be stressful especially after we have just moved but by cancelling I've just realised I've made it even worse. Christmas is going to be even more stressful because we are going to have a huge drama of name calling, crying and shouting that could last up until Xmas day.
For fucks sake .

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DuelingFanjo · 05/12/2014 10:32

What is your husband's role in all this?

Did the text go from his phone or yours?

IMO you have been a bit rude but I can understand why you don't want to be there. Problem is you clearly didn't want to go at all and this house move has given you a very good way to get what you wanted.

But...

Given the two days of silence I would suggest that it's your husband's responsibility to now get on the phone or pop in to see them and check that everything is ok. Will he do this?

DuelingFanjo · 05/12/2014 10:33

OK - Just read back and seen that your DH did send the text.

So he should be dealing with them imo.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 10:34

It was from dps phone.
I just text hime saying..
"Call her today and say you wanted to double check she got your text and it's not that you don't want to see her just that it's going be chaos this year and we just want to collapse in a heap at home. They can come for dinner with gran on Xmas Eve and pop to ours Xmas day if they want x"

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