To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

[Kab13]

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
Aibu?
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

[MyFirstName]

AIBU To cancel Christmas?

Yes. To late and by an very rude method - regardless of how difficult your PIL are.

No I am not. They are difficult.

[Heels99]

Well, you have found a reason every year for three years not to spend Xmas with them. So perhaps don't arrange to spend Xmas with them if you are actually going to find a reason to cancel nearer the time. Yabu to text and not call them, very rude and inconsiderate. But, you have invited them to yours for Xmas although to me hosting in anew house would be more stressful, pressure to get everything unpacked etc. so perhaps follow up the text with a call to say how much you would love it if they would come to you. Then give them a love,y Xmas day.

[BlueGreenHazelGreen]

I understand why you are declining although tbh in your shoes I'd still go to your MILs as that was my prior engagement. However sending a text was rude and cowardly (you did ask)

I have guests coming on Christmas Day and the good is planned and ordered for their specific tastes and preferences. I'd be pretty cross if someone cancelled by text just because they couldn't cope with some justifiable annoyance/hurt on my part.

My mother, who bends over backwards to be reasonable about where myself and my sisters spend Christmas would be volcanically angry if one of us cancelled for a not very good reason by text.

You PIL may well be difficult, but quite frankly if they are angry this time they aren't be unreasonable.

I would also suspect, given that you and your husband think that this is a fair and reasonable way to behave that your in laws might have quite a different perspective on the relationship.

[SunnaClausIsComingToTown]

YABVU to cancel this close to Christmas. I do understand why but still think you should have gone along with plans already made.

I agree with people saying you've been looking for an excuse.

[MyFirstName]

Sorry, X-post. Well done for seeing it OP.

[Innocuoususername]

there's really nothing I can do about it now is there?
I have envied them round if they wish and expressed we would love to see them Christmas Eve and the Weekend after Xmas, what else can I do?
Well you could apologise for cancelling by text, very rude. But unless you are going to do a u turn and go back to the original plan (with some grovelling), no, there's not much you can do.

Next year, you need to be more honest with yourselves and the in laws from the start. TBH it seems as though the house move has given you a handy excuse to cancel. Nothing writing with wanting to stay at home given the back story (actually, even without the back story), but decide what you are doing and stick to it.

[newrecruit]

I think you're being very unreasonable.

Moving 2 and a half weeks before Christmas is not a good reason. We moved 3 days before Christmas and were unpacked in 48 hours. You just don't fancy it.

Saying your DD will be a handful is not a reason either. That's what children (and Christmas) is like. You just don't fancy it.

That's fine, you are entitled to spend Christmas how you want but Christmas is a MASSIVE deal to some people. It's not just ordering the turkey, it's the whole idea of a family Christmas.

You've now casually told your MIL a few weeks before that you've changed your mind and you don't fancy it.

Incredibly hurtful to someone who is your husband's mother and really a rude thing to do to anyone.

It's 24 hours and clearly means a lot more to her than it does to you. You should just suck it up and go.

There is no point posting here and then getting upset that people don't agree with you saying "oh no, too late"

However difficult she is, I doubt she deserves to be treated with so little regard and she deserves an apology.

[SixToesLeft]

I love a good MIL-bashing thread; the righteous indignation coupled with a good 'You Go Girl!' attitude, but this takes the biscuit and I'm firmly in the YABU camp.

The more you drip feed, the more pathetic the excuses sound.
But the main points are:

1. Cancelling a major event like this three weeks before is rude. Moving house is not a valid reason. It's just you want to spend it in your new home more than you want to spend it with them. It's about what you want, not what you need.
   

1. Cancelling by text is atrocious. This is rude, and thoughtless. Do your PIL not deserve a conversation? You did it by text to avoid an award exchange. You did it for your benefit, not theirs. Do not try to muddy the water.
   

1. Did you not think, FOR ONE MINUTE, how this would make your ILs feel? It's not about them not being alone, it's not about you judging them not to have prepared. Your MIL has probably been thinking happily and planning having your family round her for Christmas (Because that was the plan!).
   

It may come as a shock to you, but I reckon a good majority of adults have to do things at Christmas, see people that we would rather not. But it is a time of year when you embrace generosity of spirit, you go the extra mile to make others happy, and frankly, you suck it up! (Yes, I will be on here on Christmas day, moaning about my family)

You have been behaved in a rude and cowardly manner.
But I think you know that and that's why you are being defensive.

[Triliteral]

Yes. I will apologise and give her a gift. It will probably prompt the upset we were trying to avoid but hey.
Eughhh. I hate Christmas

This sounds a good call to me. Keep yourself to the moral high ground, then whatever shit she throws, at least you can feel good about yourself. Good luck OP.

[Kab13]

Grovel?
Oh god the thought of even saying sorry to the woman makes me feel a bit sick.
I usually bend over backwards to meet her needs. Far more than I do my own mother but it's just really fucking inconvenient this year.
Why has she never come to us?
I don't understand what's so bad about it. We have gone over every Boxing Day to there's and I haven't seen my family because of it.
( mil works a rolling rota)

[HolgerDanske]

I think in years to come it'd be better for you just to be honest and say you prefer to spend Christmas Day at home from now on. Tack a day on beforehand and one after, to visit both sides of the family.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I would just get your DP to go round with some flowers

No need to prostrate himself just a brisk sorry, you both thought that Xmas wouldn't be doable but now that things are clearer re: moving dates, you would love to come. Then focus on the positives. If MIL brings it up again, your DP/you can look puzzled and say that the issue has been resolved and you are coming so no need to rehash it

It's super stressful moving at anytime, let alone near Christmas so I feel for you

[Innocuoususername]

Look, you don't like the woman, fine. But you need to consider what kind of future relationship you want to have with her, and that your DD has with her. I think you've accepted that cancelling by text was rude, but how you deal with it now will set the tone for the future. If you want to use this to step back and cool relations, well you are going about it the right way, crack on. But if you still see your MIL being part of your lived then you are going to have o suck it up and say sorry.

[Innocuoususername]

Lives not lived

[Kab13]

Oh god. Wish I never posted.
I try sooooooo hard with them all the time and have in thrown in my face all time.
I just wanted a normal Christmas.

[Innocuoususername]

But there are two separate issues here OP: the immediate mess of the texted cancellation, and the long term problems you have with them. You posted about the former, and on AIBU. You will find loads of help on the Relationships boards if you post about the latter.

[HolgerDanske]

But you need to be assertive about it, then. Don't say you're going to spend it with them when you really don't want to. You're not obliged to and it's perfectly fine for you to spend Christmas at home every year.

If it were me I'd feel exactly the same. Could not face demanding ILs (or parents, as the case may be) two weeks after a huge move. But I wouldn't have cancelled by text, however much easier it feels.

Next time stand up to them even if they do throw a strop. Just lay it on the line - from now on you will have christmas at home but you'd love a day with them after Christmas.

[EveDallasRetd]

Kab, you are quite entitled to spend xmas day wherever you want to spend it. You don't have to go to someone else's house, you don't have to invite anyone to your house.

You are an adult who can spend xmas however you want to spend xmas. If that means you don't see your mum or your mil on the 25th it doesn't matter. You can see them at any time before or after.

You can apologise for upsetting her (or rather your DP can, seeing as he was a part of the decision as well) and you can offer to reimburse her if she is going to be out of pocket. But you don't have to go back on the decision that you AND your DP made. Your reasons aren't that important - going out this year doesn't work for you, and that's it.

[Kab13]

I can't change it now though.
I wish I could.
But dp sent the text, it's done.
They've been back 4 days and have already yelled at us down the phone for getting dirt on their doormat when we went round to turn their heating on for them before they got home.
Just shouldn't have said we would spend Christmas there in the first place.

[Tzibeleh]

Kab13, my relationship with my ILs improved enormously when I stopped trying.

[EveDallasRetd]

And you know what, it's really sad to hear a parent with a small (2 yr old?) child saying they hate Christmas because of how someone else makes them feel - that alone is enough to say "Stop. Christmas Day is in my own home with my own family"

[dustarr73]

Op im just wondering when did you find out you were moving.Was it months ago,weeks ago or days ago.Depends how long you knew you were moving ,whether yabu or not.

[Heels99]

You could change it but are choosing not to. All of this is down to choice. but next year do not make arrangements to go elsewhere if you don't plan to cut ally do it.

[Kab13]

Think I need to sort my shit out to be honest.
She's my mil and dds grandmother.
I'd love a normal relationship with her and I'd love to LOVE her but it's near on impossible.
I shouldn't have cancelled.
I panicked and rushed my decision.
If I had slept on it I wouldn't sve cancelled but I made a hasty, inconsiderate and silly decision.

[Kab13]

We found out on Monday we could be moving. Then Wednesday that we definitely would be.