i have decided that i really hate nurseries/preschools and I don't know what to do

[turquoiseseasandgoldensands]

So, at 3.5 I finally send my son to a nursery/preschool, because he said he wanted to go, and he said he wanted to play with lots of children and because he was getting bored of me and I thought he needed more. I had been a SAHM and he hadn't been to nurseries or child care - and of course I had been told that I was being unfair not sending him to nursery since he was about 18 months and I had completely ignored that but at 3.5 he was definitely ready, intellectually and emotionally, to spend time away from me and he skipped into nursery the first day barely able to contain his excitement.

However. Since starting nursery (and we are on the second already, the first having been a nightmare, and both have "outstanding" rankings) the following has happened:

• he is frequently stressed around the days he goes in
• his behaviour has completely deteriorated
• his verbal skills are worse - his speech isn't as clear or confident and he gets verb endings wrong whereas he didn't before
• he appears to be learning very little
• he used to be able to play really well, for long periods of time, but because of the usual approach of nurseries to time use of toys so that the children learn to "share" and the constant movement from one activity to another, he isn't able to get into the groove (so to speak) at nursery, and at home he hasn't been able to settle into the groove either and no longer seems to be able to concentrate on his activities for very long unless I am with him.

The nursery he is at thinks he is doing very well and that there are no problems whatsoever and that he is thriving. What???!!!

I have looked round a lot of nurseries and have asked and continue to ask a lot of indepth questions and I have a pretty clear idea about what goes on in the nurseries, most of them (all of them so far) and I am truly p*ed off. He wants to spend time with other children and is ready to learn in a structured environment to the extent it is age appropriate and he was so keen to be independent etc. This is what I want to. But there is nothing available that I can find and I feel he is being damaged where he is, which to be fair is a much better nursery than most.

madmomma, that fits with my experience of visiting many nurseries and preschools through my job. Not that many staff appear enthusiastic about the children and interested in discussing their development. Some definitely see them as little monsters to be contained and managed. Its not unheard of to walk into a baby room and to see the babies crawling and playing by themselves at one end of the room while the staff chat to each other at the far end and emoticon

Its a hugely undervalued and horrendously underpaid career

Yy Lotta
Good childcare workers are worth their weight in gold.

madmomma that sounds exactly the same as the P.E. GCSE I chose. I chose it because I loved sport, but the class turned out to be almost all bullies who thought it would be the easiest class to pass/doss in. It was terrifying and horrible, and stopped me doing any sport in the years that followed. And I failed (when got As in everything else).

I hope your daughter manages to stick with it and ignore her classmates.

daisychain unfortunately she's struggling quite badly as she's a square, conservative girl who isn't into boys, drinking, make-up etc. She has no friends and clinical anxiety. I know for a fact she'd be fine if she was in A level classes, but the girls on her course are just vile oompah-loompahs

sienna

Have you never come across a parent whose view points on a seemingly routine thing that as a whole tends to be encouraged by loads of people,are that it is damaging to their child but sticks it out because they know their views are on the unusual end of mainstream opinion?

I've met loads,I would go as far as to say the vast majority of home educating parents I come across (and its lots) stick with school far longer than they are comfortable with often in the face of real and serious and provable harm happening to their child (often stuff like significant and physical bullying or lack of understanding of disability leading to mistreatment) its not unusual to have a parent stick it out because they don't know their options or because they think school is 'normal' and anything else is not normal.

I've had friends in tears on the phone about things that have happened in child care settings knowing their child is distressed and still not knowing what to do.

Not everybody is knowledgeable or confident about options. Its a big decision and one that is ok to have a wobble about.

Also if I was aware of a few shockingly bad nurseries it may make me quite nervous that it is just as possible for other nurseries to do the same things as it is that they won't. After you have walked away dropping off your child you just don't know. For some people this may well translate as "I don't like them all" its not right but it is understandable.

I personally quite like ones that pay decent wages have very small numbers do not have constant access to arts and bloody crafts,will not allow painting unless apron thingy is worn, are as far removed from a play group as you can possibly be and offer short structured learning sessions and keep to school hours. Its the reason why I chose the setting I did and use/d a nanny/childminder the rest of the time I wouldn't choose to send any of my children to a different type of setting. Its ok for me to feel the way I do just as its ok for someone else to enthuse about some of the bigger more childcare like settings. Many people may not even realise that there are so many different approaches.

Yes, needsA I've come across parents like that and sympathise. I can totally understand why parents who have to work or who want to prepare their kids for school have a dilemma. But that is not the Op. She's been very confident in expressing her opinions which are, on the whole, generalisations - children under-5 should only be looked after by their parents, nurseries cause children psychological damage, child care workers have no interest in their jobs (assume that's what she meant as she's refused to clarify).
She has clearly made up her mind about nursery as she has refused to take onboard any of the sensible advice she's been offered about language development. So why bother posting at all, unless as pp said, she wants to make herself feel better about her own choice by making others feel worse about theirs.
Of course it's ok to feel anyway you want about nursery. I don't disagree that there are some very poor settings around, I have been to a few for my job. I've also been to some lovely ones staffed by caring, committed, well-qualified staff.
There is too much variability in the quality of nurseries, imo. It is such an important job but childcare is often low-paid and seen as low-skilled. We used to live in France, where it seems to be more valued as a profession. I loved DSs French nursery and so did he. His English one is ok, lots of my friends' kids are flourishing there and DS is ok but he doesn't love it. I'm not happy so I am moving him. It's not that his nursery is bad, it's just not right for DS.
I think it's important to discuss problems with childcare but posting that nurseries are a bad thing for all children is provocative, as well as being wrong.

Take him out.

You've read too much MN

Toddlers absolutely don't need nursery.The park,toddler groups,play dates and a few pre- school sessions are plenty and coupled with the home environment the best option if you can offer it.