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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little off. sorry gift and mil related

28 replies

prettywoman35 · 03/12/2014 15:24

I need to be told I ambu as deep down I know I probably am. My feelings are probably clouded by other issues with mil. Basically my mum always treats all the family equally. Ie she spends same on me and dh and our 2 dds. Mil has always spent more on dh and dd1 (her favourite 1stgranddaughter). as dd2 is young I understood this. (say twice as much on dh and dd1 ) His family also exchange lists of gifts they would like. dh always has frivolous things on there.
So this year has been hard for mil healthwise. Dh has spent time supporting her leaving me to pick up slack with our young children. I was absolutely happy for him to do this.
So mil rang wanting to speak to dh. She had some news but wanted to share with dh 1st. again fair enough. In passing she mentioned thatshe was going to be spending £200 on dh for xmas as he has helped her so much. Again fair enough her choice. However, later dh told me thay she was only paying for half of dd2 gift. I may be reading too much into it but dd2 wasn't planned and I can't help feeling abit cross about this. She is I believe spending more on dd1.
So snap me out of it and tell me Iabu

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2014 15:29

Yanbu.

Both children should be equal.

I think DH needs to have a word with her tbh - I was the favoured grandchild on my dad's side and it left me feeling very bitter and resentful. Unfortunately if this carries on both your dc will notice Sad

StrangeGlue · 03/12/2014 15:33

So dd2s present is only being half paid for - who is paying the other half? You? Sounds a bit mad to me.

I don't think it matters if gifts aren't exactly the same value but it does matter if one always bigger, better and pricier and that's noticeable.

victoryinthekitchen · 03/12/2014 15:37

sounds a bit weird, could dh ask for something family oriented for his £200 spends to make things fairer? In my experience you can't over analyse these things, try to see the funny side (if there is one) and let it go, I know it's easier said than done.

DeWee · 03/12/2014 15:51

The spending more on dh is fair enough. I understand if he's done a lot for her she might want to spend money on frivolous stuff that he can relax and enjoy to make up for all the time helping. In some ways a practical thing for the house isn't quite the same. She may also feel if she gets the things off his list, he wouldn't otherwise get them, but you'll get the others anyway.

Spending more on dd1, but it does slightly depend on age of dd2. I remember saying to my dm/mil when dd2 was up the age of about 3yo not to spend much. She had all the big toys passed down from dd1, and in real terms even at 4yo she was just as likely to be leaping up and down with joy at a bracelet making set from the pound shop as a 500 garden adventure set. So we'd choose something that looked big and impressive, but the price tag often wasn't as much as dd1.

I suspect dd2 does have slightly less spent on her in general-but at the same time, in terms of what she has, she has considerably more stuff as she has dd1's present passed down, albeit second hand now, plus her own new stuff. So in that way it is fair-not equal but fair.

AMumInScotland · 03/12/2014 15:56

I don't get the 'paying for half' bit. Do you mean you and DH are expected to 'top up' the amount she is giving, to get some particular gift?

By the time your children are old enough to notice, your DH needs to mak it clear to his mother that visible favouritism has no place in a family.

Shakirasma · 03/12/2014 16:01

YANBU. Ignoring the issue with the kids presents for a moment, if she is spending a bomb on your DH to thank him for helping her then I hope he is buying you something fucking spectacular for enabling him to do by, by picking up the slack at home with his children.

Original poster
prettywoman35 · 03/12/2014 16:24

yes we have been asked to top up. I tend to not like giving lists but I have asked for 1 item which he will get I am sure but certainly less than usual budget.

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 03/12/2014 16:32

I'm a bit Hmm at your dh, tbh.

there's no way I'd allow my mum to (a) treat my kids so differently
and (b) spend 200 quid on me while only getting my child half a present.

Ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2014 16:36

Is there a back story op?

Think I'd say a big fat "no" to topping up dc2's present - how fucking cheeky Shock

Would this present just be from mil, or does she propose that it's a joint present from you all? (Not that it matters, just curious)

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 03/12/2014 16:37

I am confused....you give her a list and she is buying something pricey for dd2 but has said she will only pay half for it?

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 03/12/2014 16:40

with partial understanding I agree with heart, its down to your dh to say thanks so much but no, I am not going to accept gift over my child.

i don't understand all this portioning out presents....

my DF just gets things he thinks my dh would like and me, there is no carefully calculated budget...to give me 10 more than dh.

whats wrong with people.

LoonvanBoon · 03/12/2014 16:41

I don't get it. Who tries to buy someone a gift if they can only afford half of it? Surely you just buy something you can afford? Why give such a generous amount of money to your son if it leaves you too cash-strapped to get other presents you would like to buy? Sorry, I'm totally baffled by this.

I'd also like to know if it would be presented to DC as a joint gift, from MIL & you.

TsukuruTazaki · 03/12/2014 16:42

Asking you to top up your dds gift and pay half is just stupid.

She wants the glory of getting a particular gift but not prepared to pay. Well tough, just buy something else then! Hmm

Fallingovercliffs · 03/12/2014 16:44

I'm a bit confused too? Has she seen something expensive she wants to get dd2 and has offered to get it if you pay the other half? Or did you suggest something expensive and she has agreed to pay half?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2014 16:45

Yanbu I would have a talk to DH, it's not fair. Why should you top up a present from granny.

diddl · 03/12/2014 16:50

So your husband didn't say "don't bother with me then so that you can afford daughter's present"?

Or spend less, but equal on both daughters?

And why does she even know that 2nd daughter wasn't planned?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 03/12/2014 16:51

I agree with having a word with dh. All sounds a bit off to me.

YADNBU.

Floggingmolly · 03/12/2014 16:54

It sounds so daft as to be unlikely, actually. What's the betting that she asked your dh for ideas for dd2; he suggested something, and she agreed to pay x amount?

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2014 16:56

Have you asked her outright why she favours DD1? Did she want DD2 to be a boy? Why does she know DD2 was unplanned? That wouldn't be something I'd share with my ILs.

I'm not one for obsessing over who spent what on what and working out whether X gift is worth the same as Y - have often spent twice as much on one of my parents as I have on the other, that's just how it's worked out. DB2's gift this year has cost 2x what I have spent on DB1 but I know he'll like it and that's that. I can 100% guarantee that DB1 won't feel like I've favoured the other sibling. The cost of the gifts won't even register. At all.

BUT... what you're describing is consistent favouritism and that's not on. It's hard to tell without more info - i.e. an example of gifts (for illustrative purposes) the age of your children (are they old enough to know that one has got a massive fancy present while the other has got a small token present?) If DD1 is getting an iPad while DD2 has a selection box, the difference is too obvious. If the gifts look roughly similar (i.e. kids won't notice / our too young to understand price difference) I would suck it up this year and address in the future, but I would NOT make up the difference with DD2's gift. NO WAY. She chooses a gift that she can afford or she doesn't buy it at all. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! Cheeky mare.

Oh and give your DH a slap around the face with a wet fish while you're at it. What kind of grown man accepts expensive gifts from his mummy while subsidising her spending on one of his own daughters (also enabling the favouritism)?!?! Grow up, you fucking man child.

Castlemilk · 03/12/2014 17:00

'Tell your mother three things. Firstly, no we won't be topping up. Secondly, now that DD2 is getting bigger, the spending more on DD1 stops - and that the thing most likely to happen if she doesn't is that BOTH her granddaughters will end up disliking her. Thirdly, remind her that the reason you got to do all that supporting her this year was because I was picking up the slack for you on all your other family duties. Actually, that third one can be a reminder for you too, seeing as I presume you want me to continue to respect and love MIL as part of our family rather than a negative aspect of it.'

DaisyFlowerChain · 03/12/2014 18:39

His mother should be able to spend more on him than you as he is her son. I imagine a lot of parents spend more on their own children than their spouses.

Whilst I disgaree with different spending on children, it seems fine for parents to spend different amoumts on children or for younger ones to have hand me downs rather than new but if a MIL spends different amounts is positively wrong.

As for only paying a contribution to a gift, it depends on the value and if you asked for the item initially. If her choice of gift, the she is unreasonable.

littleleftie · 03/12/2014 18:42

DH should tell MIL if she is hard up this year can she spend £150 on his gift and spend more on DD2, and that in fact can she spend the same on each of them, however little that is, in future as "I am sure you wouldn't want them to think you had a favourite, that would be disgusting"
It is horrible the way she is playing favourites.

YANBU

munchkin2902 · 03/12/2014 18:54

All sounds very over complicated. Why does she feel the need to call and set out what she's going to spend on people before Christmas? There's been a lot about Christmas present cost/negotiations on here which I don't really get. In my family you just buy a present for anyone (no lists or spending targets!) and exchange them. No negotiations required! Nobody cares if someone gets a more valuable present than them. It's not really in the spirit is it.

I can see how it's unfair for a grandparent to favour one child per the other so obviously though so you are not being unreasonable op!

SquinkiesRule · 03/12/2014 19:10

He needs to get this stopped now. It won't be long before Dd2 starts to notice. It will cause hard feelings between the children and resentment, she either buys for both or neither. She is going to cause major problems with this stupidity.

Original poster
prettywoman35 · 03/12/2014 20:12

tbf dh has no idea that his mum is spending that much but equally not sure why he puts such expensive stuff on xmas list. Dh saw particular gift for dd2 which is different to what she has already. It was within usual budget or so se thought. I guess it is possibly that that she has already brought her something.
We had fertility issues and had problems conceiving dd1. Due to my age we decided we were happy with 1 but we were blessed with dd2. Dd2 is 3 so won't care who brought or paid for what.

OP posts:
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