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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In asking DH to speak to MIL.

158 replies

Milmingebag · 01/12/2014 14:14

Earlier this year I fell out with my MIL over her unreasonable behaviour. Had a thread on here and the verdict was unanimous that she was unreasonable. I confronted her via email and she denied/was political in her response and we have had a very light touch contact since.

I had a blistering argument with my DH yesterday because he is spineless over Christmas arrangements. Because she moaned about the food I cooked I have told him he is cooking if he is inviting her. I have asked him to make it clear to her that she can stay for three days but won't be hosted beyond that. He refused outright. Last year she stayed the entire time he had booked off of work (14 days). I think this is unreasonable.

Other niggles - she refuses to sleep anywhere else but the front room and this limits how we function as a family. She often wants to go to bed at 9pm because she is an early riser. I asked him to speak to her about this. He refused.

I have hosted her for various extensive stays (every Easter,Christmas etc) over thirteen years and suggested to my DH that she might like to do it herself this year. She has a big enough dining table and large enough house of her own. He refused saying she has never offered.

Last year she bought all her presents off Amazon and asked me to check them to make sure they had all arrived. I decided to wrap them all up, labelled from her as I thought it would save her a job. She was furious and said I had only wrapped them up to see what she had bought. When I pointed out she had asked me to check she then whiffed on about wanting to wrap them herself in her colour co- ordinated wrapping paper. This year she has stated that the adults won't be exchanging gifts. Aibu in thinking that when you are a guest at someone's house you don't dictate what you are going to do but ask if they agree.?She has long had an unusual thing about hating getting presents as she has guilt about receiving. To be honest it has really affected how I feel about present giving. It's gone from being a source of joy to one of anxiety. She sulks if anyone buys her even the smallest thing and has left other presents behind on purpose because she doesn't want/like them. She insists on thing being bought from her Wishlist.

I'm dreading Christmas this year. I wish I could just go off on my own for a few days. When I explained how I was feeling yesterday my DH twisted things saying I was asking him to choose between his wife and his mother and that he wouldn't leave her on her own at Christmas. That was obviously not what I was asking but for him to put some boundaries in place or I said he could always go down to hers and spend it with her just the two of them because after doing this for thirteen years I would quite like a Chrustmas that doesn't revolve around meeting his mother's needs.

AIBU? Any advice appreciated. x

OP posts:
Lomega · 02/12/2014 20:54

OP I am totally impressed at your patience and tolerance levels. 13 years? You gotta be kidding. I'm agog at the last email you sent her and her response to say she'll have your front room. I mean bugger off or what!!!

Keep us posted with her response to your 'no - the guest room is your only option' email. I'm rooting for you. I am amazed your DH hasn't said all of this himself and if I were in your shoes I'd be running for the hills with dc and leaving him to deal with her!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 02/12/2014 21:03

Oh yes the charming and the fake caring. yup yup.

Well at least there is a lot of info online about narcissism so you have help.

Poor DH.

Hissy · 02/12/2014 21:42

Mmm-hmm narc

QuietsBatmobileLostAWheel · 02/12/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisdeSales · 02/12/2014 23:32

She has absolutely no empathy so will have no idea why she cannot sleep exactly where she wants.

She is special and charming and is the mother of another Godlike individual so therefore gets to do what she likes.

Also Narcs are notorious for being horrible gift givers as it involves thinking about what someone else might like.

She has clearly told you exactly who she is, so expect no apology ever.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 02/12/2014 23:34

Good email responses. Interesting developments and yes, looks like she's more seriously fucked up than it first appeared.

In which case, be prepared for her to have some kind of injury/illness over Christmas - one that doesn't prevent her from coming to stay, but will effectively prevent her from being able to climb the stairs to the spare room, or sleep flat on a bed. This isn't over yet - she WILL do her damnedest to get her own way.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 03/12/2014 01:45

yeah be prepared to order a taxi if there is a show down.

clam · 03/12/2014 10:38

You know, she sounds similar in many ways to my friend's mil. But they've decided that there are mental health issues there, and that now her eccentricities are becoming even more extreme, they just have to detach and tolerate.

DraggingDownDownDown · 04/12/2014 06:35

That's ok if she can't climb stairs as the guest room is on the ground floor. Also she can have extra pillows to aid her sleeping upright Wink

DraggingDownDownDown · 04/12/2014 06:38

As she is bound to come up with reasons why she has to sleep in the front room - let's pre-empt them and think of the responses the OP can give.

OP - you can try and use this as a bit of light relieve and see which ones she comes up with!!

Can't climb stairs = guest room is on ground floor
Sleep upright = extra pillows

What else?

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/12/2014 07:05

drafty/cold/hot -- fan/heater

lonely because she is too far away -- radio

bed is too soft ... hmmm, sleeping bag on floor as OP has said she has slept on floor before

sprained ankle/bruised knee/other reason can't walk far -- probably should go home then!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/12/2014 07:06

My guess is that she will deliberately nod off while you watch TV and then pretend to be heavily asleep so you can't rouse her and DH will say that it is better that you leave her there.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 04/12/2014 07:24

I have another thought about her behaviour. I agree it is totally out of order, by the way.

My mum had a friend who behaved in much the same way. The hoarding tendencies struck a chord. She had an absolute fear of losing control of herself and dealt with this by trying to control her environment so as to be sure her worst (mainly imagined) fears could not come true.

She felt utterly frightened, helpless and anxious for most of the time and had done for most of her life. She had lived with a grandmother suffering from dementia in the family home as a child. She became physically ill and eventually confided these feelings to my mother and then to her GP.

I'm not offering excuses for your MiL just a possible reason, which may help you manage her behaviour better.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2014 07:56

If MIL pulled a stunt like refusing to wake up, you could always say in a panicky voice to DH that MIL can't be roused, you think she's really ill and you will have to call an ambulance. Keep talking about she might have to spend Christmas in hospital. I'm pretty sure she would suddenly wake!

Athough if she tried to get sympathy for being 'ill' that necessitated staying in the front room, you would insist that she goes to the guest room so that the rest of the family don't catch it, and they need to use the room during the day and can't have her languishing on the sofa day and night.

She insists on keeping all sorts of 'stuff', she must restrict it to the guest room.

I think MIL is showing signs of delusional behaviour too.

Spadequeen · 04/12/2014 08:15

Glass of iced water should wake her

KatieKaye · 04/12/2014 08:33

Any response back from MIL?

Macloveswill · 04/12/2014 08:46

You're a brave, brave woman. We're all rooting for you! Flowers Your shining example may even rub off on your DH and he may pluck up the courage to stand up to his DM once and for all.

Balaboosta · 04/12/2014 08:52

Her behaviour is totally unreasonable but you were daft to do her wrapping. Come and do mine if you've wrapping-energy to spare!

diddl · 04/12/2014 09:18

Well done you.

At least your husband has admitted that he doesn't really want her there all the time & that he is afraid of her.

Will you be there when she arrives, to make sure that her stuff goes straight to the guest room?

Or do we think that she will be ill, necessitating your husband having to rush there & spend Christmas with her?

Number3cometome · 04/12/2014 09:31

OP - I don't think your MIL is a narc, I think she is a psycopath.

  1. Look for glib and superficial charm. A psychopath will also put on what professionals refer to as a "mask" of sanity that is likeable and pleasant. For example, the psychopath may do good deeds to gain his or her victims trust.
  2. Look for a grandiose self perception. Psychopaths will often believe they are smarter or more powerful than they actually are. 3)Watch for a constant need for stimulation. Stillness, quiet and reflection are not things embraced by psychopaths. They need constant entertainment and activity. 4)Determine if there is pathological lying. A psychopath will tell all sorts of lies; little white lies as well as huge stories intended to mislead. 5)Evaluate the level of manipulation. All psychopaths are identified as cunning and able to get people to do things they might not normally do. They can use guilt, force and other methods to manipulate. 6)Look for any feelings of guilt. An absence of any guilt or remorse is a sign of psychopathy.

Need I go on? I bet she makes an EXCELLENT business woman.

Stick to your guns OP - wear that bitch down Grin

BarbarianMum · 04/12/2014 09:56

Well done.

Now if you want to keep up the good work your dh is going to need some help. He's spent a lifetime being emotionally abused and manipulated by his mother, he's going to really struggle to back you up when she's with you - I'm sure experience has taught him not to risk displeasing her.

I suggest you read the Toxic Parents book and get him to do likewise. Seriously.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 04/12/2014 16:04

Thank-you for the continued good advice/information and humour. Lots to consider but it's all incredibly helpful.

No response yet- I think the real test will be upon her arrival....

OP posts:
timetoplay · 04/12/2014 22:26

Just make sure you have a contingency plan in place OP in case she does try to force her way and stay. Make sure your husband will back you up and if she refuses you call her a cab anyway.

zipzap · 05/12/2014 10:16

You both also need to practise your brisk no-nonsense voice so that if she starts to say she's going to stay in the lounge, you can do a brisk 'oh come on, don't be so ridiculous, you're not a toddler but you're doing a very good impression of a toddler having a tantrum. I'd have expected better than that from you, don't play stupid on purpose' etc etc - work out all the key things she thinks she is - superior, clever, etc and make sure that for each one when you are 'telling her off' you point out how if she continues to do the bad thing she is doing, that she is not superior, clever etc.

and practise saying this stuff out loud before she comes - it will feel really weird to do it for real when she is there trying to rule the roost and manipulate everything to her liking - so if you say it out loud - and your dh too - then it won't be quite so difficult when it comes to doing it for real. And make sure that you pick her up on every thing she does that is bad - don't let her get away with a single inch this christmas!

CruCru · 05/12/2014 10:36

Blimey. That was a good email exchange OP, nice and assertive.

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