In asking DH to speak to MIL.

[Milmingebag]

Earlier this year I fell out with my MIL over her unreasonable behaviour. Had a thread on here and the verdict was unanimous that she was unreasonable. I confronted her via email and she denied/was political in her response and we have had a very light touch contact since.

I had a blistering argument with my DH yesterday because he is spineless over Christmas arrangements. Because she moaned about the food I cooked I have told him he is cooking if he is inviting her. I have asked him to make it clear to her that she can stay for three days but won't be hosted beyond that. He refused outright. Last year she stayed the entire time he had booked off of work (14 days). I think this is unreasonable.

Other niggles - she refuses to sleep anywhere else but the front room and this limits how we function as a family. She often wants to go to bed at 9pm because she is an early riser. I asked him to speak to her about this. He refused.

I have hosted her for various extensive stays (every Easter,Christmas etc) over thirteen years and suggested to my DH that she might like to do it herself this year. She has a big enough dining table and large enough house of her own. He refused saying she has never offered.

Last year she bought all her presents off Amazon and asked me to check them to make sure they had all arrived. I decided to wrap them all up, labelled from her as I thought it would save her a job. She was furious and said I had only wrapped them up to see what she had bought. When I pointed out she had asked me to check she then whiffed on about wanting to wrap them herself in her colour co- ordinated wrapping paper. This year she has stated that the adults won't be exchanging gifts. Aibu in thinking that when you are a guest at someone's house you don't dictate what you are going to do but ask if they agree.?She has long had an unusual thing about hating getting presents as she has guilt about receiving. To be honest it has really affected how I feel about present giving. It's gone from being a source of joy to one of anxiety. She sulks if anyone buys her even the smallest thing and has left other presents behind on purpose because she doesn't want/like them. She insists on thing being bought from her Wishlist.

I'm dreading Christmas this year. I wish I could just go off on my own for a few days. When I explained how I was feeling yesterday my DH twisted things saying I was asking him to choose between his wife and his mother and that he wouldn't leave her on her own at Christmas. That was obviously not what I was asking but for him to put some boundaries in place or I said he could always go down to hers and spend it with her just the two of them because after doing this for thirteen years I would quite like a Chrustmas that doesn't revolve around meeting his mother's needs.

AIBU? Any advice appreciated. x

OP it is so clear that YANNNBU. I think you are an absolute saint for having put up with all this cr*p from your MIL for so long. She is way, way out of order, and I'd say has got some serious personality issues - what an unpleasant person!

It must be so hard to have your DH who seems to be so blind to the whole situation, but she has probably got her hooks into him in such a way that she'd make him really suffer if he openly takes sides with you - There's a really good book called 'How to Cope with People Who Drive You Crazy' or something, written by a psychologist (can't recall name) - and the main overriding message here is: 'YOU GET THE BEHAVIOUR YOU TOLERATE'.

If I remember rightly, he advocates a 3 stage approach, first being polite but firm to her, and after that you need to plan carefully what you do so as to ensure that, if the unacceptable behaviour continues, it will attract increasingly 'sharp short shocks' so as to unequivocally convey to said crazymaker, what the consequences will be, if said behaviour continues. These people can't take subtle hints, but do give yourself the moral high ground by sending out a very clear distinct warning first before going in for the kill, as it were. You could let your DH know beforehand what your plan is. Try to stay calm and cool, keeping emotions out of it as much as possible. I find it helps to anticipate the range of possible scenarios before they happen so that you aren't caught on the hop! (You have all my sympathy OP - I have a narcissistic MIL .....)

FIL stopped being PA and was outright rude to me in the middle of a public hotel lobby after a day of odd behaviour that even DH started to notice.

He started being PA when I was trying to make gentle conversation (fairly normal) and I was sick and in no patience to ignore and play good wife like usual. So I gently corrected him if he said something inaccurate. For instance, he said that it was unfair of me to ask DH to drive so much on his holiday when he works such long hours. I said that no, DH loves driving, he had a brand new (really brand new, like 20 miles at delivery) sporty rental car and was having the time of his life. That I'd be happy to drive if only he would let me! After several rounds of this and me being impertinent instead of just nodding and not engaging FIL lost it. He loudly called me a bad wife and mother and detailed why he thought so in front of my children and I told him I didn't have to listen to this and got up and left with the children. DH stood there open mouth until I asked him if he was coming with me or staying with his parents because the children and I were leaving. He followed us still open mouth and in shock. Once in the car I pointed out that his parents thought he was whipped and most probably thought that the only reason he left with me was because I told him to. DH went back and told his parents that they were out of line and came back almost crying. It was very hard for him.

Until then DH had maintained that we just had very different ideas about things and that I should keep the peace. I had tried to do so for his sake for many years and had bent over backwards that weekend despite being ill. The rest of the weekend was very tense. Other family members tried to get involved and guilt DH and I was proud of him saying politely to them to mind their own business and butt out.

From then on he saw with new eyes when things went on in a PA manner. For a while he went NC until I and a marriage counsellor persuaded him to write a letter to his parents outlining how he would like things to go from now on. He told them that he had chosen me to be his wife and partner and that by disrespecting me they also disrespected him and that he wouldn't take it any more. That he loved them and wanted to spend time with them but would not do it if he was forced to choose between us. Things have been a lot easier since then.

YANBU. I would have lost my rag and given her both verbal barrels a long time ago (but I am a bad swearer and have a short fuse when it comes to ignorant, rude, selfish, nasty, MILS having had one for 20 years despite my many attempts to get her to modify herself).

My DH was so accepting of his mothers behaviour he thought it was normal so never pulled her up on it. However, about a month ago we were visiting them and DH was filming DS (he was at the stage where he was just starting to pull himself upright and was using FILs walking frame to assist). MIL commented that DS "wasn't a spaz and didn't need the walking frame YET, but we don't know what will happen in future". DH now finally realises his mother is a complete bitch so this year, Christmas doesn't involve her.

I apologize for the S word I used, I know how horrid it is. Please accept that I personally wasn't being offensive but needed to show what depths MIL stooped to.

Your husband can man-up and speak to her but as these things haven't happened directly to him, he can't understand why its upsetting. As far as he's concerned, you coped for 14days when she stayed so what's the issue?

I hope you get this resolved - and as for her Christmas gift, re-wrap that watch she opened and left behind one year!

OMG. I am not lying when I say I would never put up with that. I would tell her myself as your DH cant obviously do it.

I have a lovely MIL but she has always been the ruler of the family. When DD came along our relationship changed massively until I accepted I would need to be verging on the rude for her and to some extent FIL not to overstep my boundaries.

I no longer care if they even think my boundaries are sane! We have got to a nice balancing point and it's working.

Please OP, stand up to this bullying horrible person.

What would happen if you said sod it, this year my parents/siblings/best friend/third cousin's next door neighbour's binman's uncle's poodle groomer/whoever is coming as we've hosted mil for the last 13 years and this year it's my turn to invite someone.

I'd invite her for the day and make her drive herself to and from you - if she wants to drink then she's going to either need a taxi or a taxi to a hotel room as she's not invited to stay with you - after 14 days last year at christmas, I reckon she's used up at least the next 10 year's worth of christmases at once.

Is there another room that she could stay in rather than the lounge? If she does come then I'd just state that she is NOT staying in the lounge under any circumstances as she made it miserable for you all last time she stayed there, and if she complains that she will be miserable then say that it's her turn. And every time she complains remind her how unwelcome you were made when you went to stay with her in the Barbican and you work on the basis of treating people as they treat you...

Good luck!

How about an email to her, with your DH copied in? Along the lines of:

Just to clarify Christmas plans (have copied in DH so there is no ambiguity). Will be delighted to have you over Christmas, but it will be from as we have other plans for the rest of the holiday period. You will be sleeping in , not the living room, as that frees you up to go to bed and get up whatever time you like without affecting the rest of the household, and we will be having to eat. Please let me know if you have additional dietary requirements, or feel free to bring additional food. If you have any issues with any of the above, we would quite understand if you wanted to make alternative plans please let us know by the end of next week, so an alternative plan can be made. It would be useful if you could also copy DH in to any response, then we all know where we are.

So many posters ignoring that the "whining" "spineless" "sap" of a "mummies boy" has been (going to used the word) dominated by this woman for many many years, maybe some posters should read the "stately homes" thread.

My monster in law comes us every second yr.Changes the whole dynamic of the day. Am really resentful that for 50% of my Christmas' my needs come second.

Op I have no words of wisdom just wanted to say your not alone

DH recently started seeing a therapist who mentioned that his mother wasn't good with appropriate boundaries. He noticed that she over shared adult information with him as a child. I thought seeing a therapist would help but it hasn't yet.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!! That is 13 years too many OP! If your ball less wonder of a husband wont stand up to her, you are going to have to! If he doesnt like it, then he can fuck off as well! I am mad on your behalf!

I thought you were going to say mil lived abroad , that would be the only way I'd have someone for two weeks. An hour and a half away, you're being generous with three days.

I agree with PP who point out that DH clearly couldn't give a stuff about your feelings or needs. Only mummys are important to him.

I could not live like this.

SO DH is scared of his own Mother and would rather offend you than her. He has already taken sides - and not yours.

Can't believe MIL is allowed to dominate proceedings like this EVERY year. SHe should certainly sleep where she is put and observe the traditions and customs of YOUR house whilst she is with you (when in Rome and all that....).

You poor thing. My FIL is a nightmare and over the years DH has come to a) realise this and b) deal with it. It has been a long and hard road and we still hit bumps.

The thing that works in this house is to absolutely ignore ALL the stuff it is possible to ignore. The hills I decide I will die on are fought hard, loud and quick. An example is his behaviour at my SIL's house recently. He was rude, annoying and childish; all ignored. He said something hurtful to DNephew; jumped on and DH was told that if I ever feel there is damage to DD, that is it, he never sees her.

In this way, DH sees that I am very reasonable and most things are water off a duck's back. The issues I fight are so obviously out of order, no one, including DH and FIL, can argue that I was over the top. Since I am pretty blunt when I do tackle things, DH has realised it is much better for him to deal than me.

Your MIL sounds a treat!

Great draft email there from FantasticButtocks!

"For a while he went NC until I and a marriage counsellor persuaded him to write a letter to his parents outlining how he would like things to go from now on. He told them that he had chosen me to be his wife and partner and that by disrespecting me they also disrespected him and that he wouldn't take it any more. That he loved them and wanted to spend time with them but would not do it if he was forced to choose between us. Things have been a lot easier since then."

• What an amazing story. You know, it is really, really nice to hear about a situation where the relationship did actually improve and become workable again. So often, the options are presented as 'put up and shut up' or 'no contact'. There is a world inbetween those options - or rather, they can ALL be useful at different times in different relationships in the ongoing effort (and boy can it be an effort sometimes) to make them work.

:) it was a tough time, but helped in some ways by the fact that we lived a long way away from them in another country. The counsellor was very helpful and suggested ways to write the letter so it sounded like "I'm doing this because I love you and want things to be better" rather than "shut up you old hags".

OP I think the point someone made about people behaving the way you will tolerate is wise. You can't change how your DH feels or behaves or how MIL does, you can just firmly state what you are willing to deal with.

If DH says "you are making me choose" well yes, you are because he drew a line in the sand. After previous behaviour I'm sure you would rather she didn't come at all but you are willing to compromise for his sake. If he is not willing to compromise at all for your sake then you must do what you must. Either suck it up and do it his way or leave him to it and make other plans. He is the one who is making it black or white and refusing any shade of grey.

You ARE making your DH choose. He is not even offering you a choice, he is imposing a situation on you and has done for years. Don't let him get away with throwing 'making him choose' at you as though it's the worst sin ever.

Him: you're making me choose.
You: No, I'm asking you to compromise.

But it might be worth him thinking about who it is he wants to be sleeping with for the next 20 years.

Your MIL is abusive and controlling.

Its because of situations like this that come 5th January divorce petitions peak

Take the kids on holiday and leave your DH to his mother.

@PossumPoo - That's the point. OP's issue is with DH, and only concerns MIL's behaviour. In order to be polite, and give DH the opportunity to take the lead in his family unit, and out of respect for the role MIL has had in raising DH in the past, OP must give him the opportunity to resolve the situation. BUT, if DH is unwilling/incapable, and removes himself from seeking a solution, there remains only two alternatives. Either OP continues to lock horns with MIL, to the detriment of family unity and peace and happiness in the household, or OP steps up to the plate and shows DH how to put MIL in her place. Her house, her family, her rules. Someone needs to lead the family, and if she can't trust DH to do that, she needs to do it herself. He will choose, and if he is as week a man as is being made out, he will choose the stronger of the two women.

Did I miss why MIL needs to sleep in the family living room?

No way I would have that woman in my house. I would be saying to dh, I gave you an option to sort this out, you haven't done, she is not coming. End of discussion.

Easy for me to say I know

From what you have written your MIL is an extremely selfish and unreasonable person and your husband needs to set some limits. (Who insists on sleeping in the living room and goes to bed early). She needs to be invited for a defined period ( a few days).
A considerate person would be more sensitive and not wish to outstay their welcome.
If your DH won't set limits you need to dig your heels in.