In asking DH to speak to MIL.

[Milmingebag]

Earlier this year I fell out with my MIL over her unreasonable behaviour. Had a thread on here and the verdict was unanimous that she was unreasonable. I confronted her via email and she denied/was political in her response and we have had a very light touch contact since.

I had a blistering argument with my DH yesterday because he is spineless over Christmas arrangements. Because she moaned about the food I cooked I have told him he is cooking if he is inviting her. I have asked him to make it clear to her that she can stay for three days but won't be hosted beyond that. He refused outright. Last year she stayed the entire time he had booked off of work (14 days). I think this is unreasonable.

Other niggles - she refuses to sleep anywhere else but the front room and this limits how we function as a family. She often wants to go to bed at 9pm because she is an early riser. I asked him to speak to her about this. He refused.

I have hosted her for various extensive stays (every Easter,Christmas etc) over thirteen years and suggested to my DH that she might like to do it herself this year. She has a big enough dining table and large enough house of her own. He refused saying she has never offered.

Last year she bought all her presents off Amazon and asked me to check them to make sure they had all arrived. I decided to wrap them all up, labelled from her as I thought it would save her a job. She was furious and said I had only wrapped them up to see what she had bought. When I pointed out she had asked me to check she then whiffed on about wanting to wrap them herself in her colour co- ordinated wrapping paper. This year she has stated that the adults won't be exchanging gifts. Aibu in thinking that when you are a guest at someone's house you don't dictate what you are going to do but ask if they agree.?She has long had an unusual thing about hating getting presents as she has guilt about receiving. To be honest it has really affected how I feel about present giving. It's gone from being a source of joy to one of anxiety. She sulks if anyone buys her even the smallest thing and has left other presents behind on purpose because she doesn't want/like them. She insists on thing being bought from her Wishlist.

I'm dreading Christmas this year. I wish I could just go off on my own for a few days. When I explained how I was feeling yesterday my DH twisted things saying I was asking him to choose between his wife and his mother and that he wouldn't leave her on her own at Christmas. That was obviously not what I was asking but for him to put some boundaries in place or I said he could always go down to hers and spend it with her just the two of them because after doing this for thirteen years I would quite like a Chrustmas that doesn't revolve around meeting his mother's needs.

AIBU? Any advice appreciated. x

In you place I'd be sorely tempted to take the kids off somewhere and have Christmas without your drippy husband and his rude mother.

she would be really offended if she was only invited for the day.

but she thinks NOTHING of offending YOU... and he thinks nothing of allowing it...

she would be really offended if she was only invited for the day.

but she thinks NOTHING of offending YOU... and he thinks nothing of allowing it...

If she has to stay I think one night is more than fair considering her past behaviour.
why on earth does she need to stay a fortnight when she's only 1.5 hours away?
as for driving 6 hours ruining your husband's Christmas I hope you told him his mother has been ruining your Christmas for 13 years!

To be honest, I'd ban her completely. She seems to hate it so much, what's the point?

Agree with NotQuiteSoOnEdge

Ultimately he does have to choose I'm afraid.

And you should come first because he is married to you not his mother.

I disagree that you should go off with the dc; because then the game is lost really isn't it ?

(That is, she has achieved her goal, ie, she is deliberately trying to stir things up between you and dh). You need to establish that first definitely though. Is she deliberately making trouble, or is she perhaps totally inflexible and fixed in her ways and unaware of how her behaviour is affecting you? (If the latter then a clear and frank discussion with you might do the trick.)

You've paid your dues over the years and been more than reasonable and hospitable. Ideally you and your dh should act as a team though to sort this out.

I'm afraid I've had similar hideous experiences of my late mil staying with us (you honestly wouldn't believe it if I wrote it down as a work of fiction) trying to dictate what happened when, being completely unreasonable about what she ate and when she ate it, about where she slept and when she slept (despite us having both slaved over the food and accommodation to make sure she was as comfortable as possible) and much, much more. The complaints and attempted dictatorship (although dh didn't let her get away with too much on that front) went on and on until the penny dropped that sadly she would never, ever be happy, however I changed things to suit her. She would just find something else wrong. It took years of misery before I realised this!!

I've no idea why she did this; I think it was a mixture of always wanting to be in the limelight and the fact that her son was now married and therefore no longer available to the degree she wanted. It saddened me a lot because I would have loved to have been able to have a good relationship with my mil and I think family is v. important. From that point on though (and there was another defining moment where she turned her attentions to dd (not in a good way) ) that we started laying down more and more boundaries and ultimately became more and more distant, out of necessity I'm afraid; because she never even attempted to change, acknowledge her mistakes or even meet us half way.

The crucial difference is that my dh agreed that her behaviour was way out of order, in fact he found her almost more difficult than I did, and he ultimately sorted it out (with my support) - with him still doing his filial duty etc etc and not totally abandoning his family etc.

Could you get your dh to read this thread? Or could you see a marriage counsellor about it?

Enough's enough. You can't change her behaviour unfortunately, but can change YOUR behaviour so that she doesn't upset you in this way. We wouldn't let children behave like that. Can someone else in the family host Christmas, either on your DH side and invite her, or get your parents to invite you to theirs (with your DH and DCs?)

Your DH seems scared of your MIL, there's probably a valid reason why he won't stand up to her. What do your kids think about her being there?

Problem is with your husband - just tell him you don't want her for xmas and he can tell her - or she can come for xmas day only - again he tells her - my mil was very difficult and my husband competely spineless - at first I thought I was doing him a favour being so nice to her but over time began to realise he was deliberatley avoiding her and letting me do all the hard work with her etc so over time I just reduced my level of effort with her and let him deal with her more - I also became less easy going and flexible about family arrangements as I felt from past experience she would take advantage etc
No perfect solution but problem is definitley with your husband - and being honest with you - why on earth have you been regularly having her stay for weeks on end if she is so rude and ungrateful??

I wouldn't have any qualms about making my DH choose between me and his mother, if the situation went that far and came right down to it.

He should be able to see that your 'side' of the choice is perfectly bloody reasonable, and pandering to his mother is pathetic.

I think you have just got to tell her yourself. Your husband is a sap.

If we whines to you, tell home to go spend his Christmas with his Mummy

You deserve a bloody medal

Looks like you're going to have to bite the bullet and ring her yourself.

HE has chosen his mother over you for the last 13 years. I'd say its your turn to have your christmas. I would just call her a taxi on the third day and chuck her stuff in it. Cost the taxi would be the same as her stay over 2 weeks.

Pinklaydee said: 'Your DH seems scared of your MIL, there's probably a valid reason why he won't stand up to her'

I really, really think this is an important point.

There could be a really, really good reason why he is afraid of her. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying he shouldn't speak to her. In fact, there is all the more reason FOR him to be the one drawing the boundaries if this is the case. But he might himself be the victim of bad/angry parenting. If she's awful to the OP, she might also be awful to him - and he might genuinely live in fear of upsetting her. My DH lived in great anxiety of upsetting his violent/abusive father for a looong time - and it wasn't until he had counselling that he got a bit more able to say 'no'.

Alternatively, he could be a pathetic weasel who enjoys playing the two off against each other!! :)

I have confronted her over her behaviour and she refused to even acknowledge her unreasonable behaviour let alone apologise. My DH is aware how upset I am. She actually approached him after my email and said she had had an email from me but she didn't want him getting involved and wasn't prepared to discuss it with him.

I think she is aware of her behaviour because she has created upset at my BIL's wedding through all manner of passive aggressive well considered behaviours that she has later laughed about and said how effective her 'non-verbals' were. My SIL relatives left her behind on the wedding day and she nearly missed the wedding. That is the extent to which she enjoys upsetting people. My SIL refuses to contact her but she is in America so it's easier.

The one time she did host me she was hostile. She has the use of a flat sometimes in London when she housesits and said for years we should come and make the most of it so I arranged to go for a couple of days with my youngest child a few years ago. She met us in the Barbican, told us to make our own way to the flat.I had no idea where it was so asked her to show us and she sighed and begrudgingly said she would take us there. When we arrived she immediately said that we could get on and do our own thing as she was busy. No offer of a drink or anything ( we live a considerable distance away - mid summer).This was after inviting us saying she would show us around, that she always wanted to take us to this gallery/restaurant/theatre and we could all enjoy some quality time. She was absolutely cold and unwelcoming,verging on the nasty in tone and making it abundantly clear that we had accepted what was actually just a polite invitation that she had no intention of us taking her up on.I left that night saying I didn't feel welcome. She said 'I'm sorry you feel like that' and went onto say I was a free agent. I would never trust her again to do anything with her one-to-one. A few weeks after my BIL's friend flew in from America and she spent the week showing her a great time all of which she shared in detail. She had never met this woman before.

That's just some of it and my DH response has been to say that she's old and grumpy and I need to make allowances. He refused to get involved after the London episode only to tell me not to bother doing anything with her again. like I'd ever be fucking tempted

Still I am expected to put up with her and host her in my home according to him.

The more I think about the more fuming I feel. I am going to make other plans if he doesn't sort it out and I won't tell him where either.

Your issue is really with DH. It is his responsibility to make it clear what his family values are (and by implication, set the family's values out for everyone outside of the family unit). If he agrees with MIL, then your issue is that you married him not understanding/knowing what his family value system was (or whether it was compatible with your own), and if he does agree with you, but hasn't got the TF to put his mother in her place, then the issue is again between you and your husband regarding his testicular fortitude. To my mind, his overriding concern should always be the safety and security of you and your children, secondary to that is alleviating any stressors that disrupt the happiness and wellbeing of you and your children. He really needs to decide who is the dominant female in his life, and if it is to be you, he needs to make that clear to all other females in his life; even his mother. The old need to understand they are getting old and are no longer the driving force in society, and we would all do well to remember that when we reach that age too, lest we drive some poor girl nutz because we can't recognise when our sons become men.

So sorry for you op. MIL sounds very like mine.
My approach has been:

• as far as you can, let it wash over you. She is trying to hurt you. Don't let her. I find visualising a cartoon anvil falling on her head helps.
• when she says something really out of order, just don't hear it. Literally. So it might go a bit like this (MIL) 'the food you give your children is so unhealthy, don't you care about them at all'; (you, wandering out of the room) 'is the phone ringing?'. It's childish, but when you've spent 13 years (in my case slightly more) being reasonable to no effect, it's time to give up.
• DH is much harder to deal with, because it's that much more hurtful. I haven't actually found a way to deal with this side-taking. If you find one do share. The only slight headway I've made is reason 'do you remember last year, when she'd been here for a week and you felt....? So maybe this year we should make it shorter, and not all get annoyed with each other?'. But it doesn't really work.

Just read that back and I sound bonkers. But I suspect op will understand.

To those saying the DH should be told to man up - not practical. He hasn't done it in the last 13 years, he's not going to now. Might as well suggest getting a dragon to sweep from the sky and abduct MIL.

It's very sad being married to someone who won't back you up, but that's not going to change by wishing for it. Or by reasoning. Or by screaming and arguing about it. Trust me - I've tried.

I think I would say

"Dh, you have three choices as it is apparently you care more about her feelings than mine.

1. you speak to your mother and outline the circumstances under which I would be happy hosting her for xmas

2. I will speak to her. This is less likely to go down well

or if you refuse to find a way for me to be comfortable in my own home

3. DC and I will go to my parents/wherever and you can do what you please."

Lucasnorth, my DH took my side over his parents after years of not doing so.

Christ can't you go away for Christmas? Could not cope with the likes of her!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker, what was it that made the difference?

You're not asking him to choose between his wife and his mother. He's already chosen between his wife and his mother. You're asking him to reconsider his choice before it's too late.

Thats horrendous. how old is she?