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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In asking DH to speak to MIL.

158 replies

Milmingebag · 01/12/2014 14:14

Earlier this year I fell out with my MIL over her unreasonable behaviour. Had a thread on here and the verdict was unanimous that she was unreasonable. I confronted her via email and she denied/was political in her response and we have had a very light touch contact since.

I had a blistering argument with my DH yesterday because he is spineless over Christmas arrangements. Because she moaned about the food I cooked I have told him he is cooking if he is inviting her. I have asked him to make it clear to her that she can stay for three days but won't be hosted beyond that. He refused outright. Last year she stayed the entire time he had booked off of work (14 days). I think this is unreasonable.

Other niggles - she refuses to sleep anywhere else but the front room and this limits how we function as a family. She often wants to go to bed at 9pm because she is an early riser. I asked him to speak to her about this. He refused.

I have hosted her for various extensive stays (every Easter,Christmas etc) over thirteen years and suggested to my DH that she might like to do it herself this year. She has a big enough dining table and large enough house of her own. He refused saying she has never offered.

Last year she bought all her presents off Amazon and asked me to check them to make sure they had all arrived. I decided to wrap them all up, labelled from her as I thought it would save her a job. She was furious and said I had only wrapped them up to see what she had bought. When I pointed out she had asked me to check she then whiffed on about wanting to wrap them herself in her colour co- ordinated wrapping paper. This year she has stated that the adults won't be exchanging gifts. Aibu in thinking that when you are a guest at someone's house you don't dictate what you are going to do but ask if they agree.?She has long had an unusual thing about hating getting presents as she has guilt about receiving. To be honest it has really affected how I feel about present giving. It's gone from being a source of joy to one of anxiety. She sulks if anyone buys her even the smallest thing and has left other presents behind on purpose because she doesn't want/like them. She insists on thing being bought from her Wishlist.

I'm dreading Christmas this year. I wish I could just go off on my own for a few days. When I explained how I was feeling yesterday my DH twisted things saying I was asking him to choose between his wife and his mother and that he wouldn't leave her on her own at Christmas. That was obviously not what I was asking but for him to put some boundaries in place or I said he could always go down to hers and spend it with her just the two of them because after doing this for thirteen years I would quite like a Chrustmas that doesn't revolve around meeting his mother's needs.

AIBU? Any advice appreciated. x

OP posts:
Mrsgrumble · 01/12/2014 19:41

:(

This is just dreadful. Can you get away for a few days to visit an elderly aunt or whatever?

I feel for you Flowers

LindyHemming · 01/12/2014 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janethegirl · 01/12/2014 20:56

I'd issues with dmil years ago and once I just flipped and called her a fucking interfering old bitch ( she'd really got me going!) and she wouldn't speak to me or visit us for several years. Worth a go?? Grin

KatieKaye · 01/12/2014 21:12

YANBU.
MIL likes to control and DH lets her control him.
And that is spilling over into your life and affecting you.
I'm glad you have decided to try and take some of that control back but what a pity DH likes to bury his head in the sand.
Do not let her ruin Xmas for you and the family. The very minimum I'd want is the following:
This is your home, so MIL sleeps where you have prepared a bed for her. Not in the front room, because that's about her trying to assert authority over the whole house. She sleeps where she is told she is going to sleep, otherwise she can travel back to her own house.
She acts like a normal guest - that is, she is polite and offers to help her hosts. She definitely does not moan about the food, because that is rude.
She is wholly responsible for her presents - even if that is just sticking a fiver in an envelope. It doesn't matter if she doesn't like getting presents or does not like the ones she gets (are Oxfam doing goats this year or could you sponsor a skunk at the zoo in her name?) she damn well sits there with a smile on her face and says "thank you very much".

TBH, if she insists on behaving like an over-tired five year old then I would treat her like one and send her to bed!

Tell DH the reason MIL would be alone at Xmas is because she has managed to alienate everyone but him, and he is too cowed to stand up to her but you are not.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:17

Why cant you tell him to go and spend xmas with his mother and keep her company?

I think you have had enough to put up with.
can you get him to counseling because a relate Councillor will TELL him to grow up and also ask him why he is putting his family through such a hard time?

if you have young dc and need him to help and you have no one else, than i suppose keep him, otherwise if you can manage tell him to go....be brave...

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 01/12/2014 21:23

self wow....what a story Shock are they ok with you?

Its hard to be with people when you know deep down they dislike you!

addictedtobass · 01/12/2014 21:32

YANBU. I'd be going off with the kids myself of booting him out to go and spend his 14 days with her. She's a bitch, ut he's the royal cunt that's screwing you over because of his mummy issues.

Fishandjam · 01/12/2014 21:54

Just wanted to second the poster who thought there was some unnecessarily harsh language towards the DH. Living with that level of toxicity can't have been easy for him; wondering if he reverts to childhood behaviour (appeasement etc) in the face of her manipulation/PA? And before anyone says he should grow up - you try living with a PA narc and emerging with your sanity/self esteem/ability to deal with confrontations intact.

Janethegirl · 01/12/2014 22:02

If I were the OP I'd just find anywhere else to be with the kids and leave DH???to deal with dmil on his own. I just could not deal with this sort of shit after 13 years. DH needs a pair!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 02/12/2014 00:14

Itsbeginning, we live 5000 miles away from them so we all just suck it up and are polite to each other now for the sake of DH and DS's. My kids love their grandparents although they rarely see them or speak to them because my ILs won't call the house and call DH at work and we don't get back to the UK as often as we would like. I try and facilitate it by suggesting birthday gifts for my MIL or suggesting the kids video call G&G on Christmas (we don't celebrate Christmas but they do).

MonstrousRatbag · 02/12/2014 10:40

That's true Fish.

A friend of mine had horrendous PIL problems and initially at least, her DH was useless. But I once saw how he was with them-they arrived at my friend's house and screamed (and I really do mean screamed) at their son, in front of everybody. He stood there and took it like a whipped dog. I realised it would be very difficult for him to resist them without help. It really is like brainwashing and Stockholm Syndrome for some people.

All that said, no one is helpless and if your spouse tells you that he or she is having real issues with it, you do have to take it seriously.

Ohfourfoxache · 02/12/2014 11:12

Sounds like DH has been conditioned and is in the grips of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Yes, he does need to "man up" but, by God, is it difficult to do.

Could you do a joint email from his account, you cc'd in but from you both, explaining what will happen over Christmas?

sisterofmercy · 02/12/2014 12:13

DH recently started seeing a therapist who mentioned that his mother wasn't good with appropriate boundaries. He noticed that she over shared adult information with him as a child. I thought seeing a therapist would help but it hasn't yet.

Don't give up. DH has decades of a difficult relationship to unpick and it takes a VERY long time to sort it all out in your head.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 02/12/2014 12:57

Update- I have emailed her last night politely pointing out the days we are hosting, asking her if she requires transport back home on Boxing Day or is she going to make her own way. I let her know I will be giving her a gift I have made, that I made it with colours she likes- so it's a personal effort and I am not comfortable not giving a small token as that is how I host in my home.

I have also told her she will have the guest room for privacy purposes and because she keeps different hours to the rest of the household. I mentioned if she has any questions re her food requirements she can email my husband as he is in charge of that aspect this year.

She replied back making it clear the gift I had already made obligated her to reciprocate. She noted that because her stay is 'so short' no shit Sherlock she would be staying in the front room.

So I sent another email telling her if she had to reciprocate than a fun present would be in the spirit of things but not more than a couple of pounds. I have insisted she stays in the guest room because 'as a host I want my guest to be comfortable but also fit in around the running of the household'.

Can I put it anymore clearly? yea gads

I spoke to my DH last night having read up on FOG - so thank-you all the people who pointed me in that direction and he has admitted that he has a fear of upsetting her even though he recognises she is being unreasonable. Progress though has been made. He has said that my email is totally reasonable and if she kicks off he will back me totally. He knows he hasn't been supporting me as he should. So we are getting there.

He wants to have time in his break too that doesn't centre around catering for her/managing her behaviour.

Thank-you everyone so much for your support and ideas/comments offered on this thread. They have been invaluable Flowers x

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 02/12/2014 13:02

well done op, what a brilliant start!

its really hard standing up to people like this because they are tough and hard.

well done, i bet you feel so much beter and brilliant for your dh to also agree with you....

i hope you have a brilliant xmas but i wouldnt put it past her to try and get in that front rooom!

if she write any more rude stuff or about gifts and rules you could say

" I was thinking MIL, we have not ever been to your house for xmas, I see you have a particualr way of doing things, would you like to host this year or next and we can follow your rules, in your home?"

Purplepoodle · 02/12/2014 13:04

Glad you have made progress. I do see you next email having to say 'you are not staying in the front room. You are staying in the guest room, if this does not suit you then we will be unable to have you stay over at Christmas'

FrancisdeSales · 02/12/2014 13:16

So stunned that she TOLD you that she is staying in the front room!

Although my MIL is arriving mid Dec and staying for 6 weeks and I suddenly twigged that she also might expect to be in front room!! We have a guest apartment that we are still renting that is a 5 minute drive away as we have no space for guests in our new home. I said to my lovely DH that we need to get it ready and he was quite vague. Then he said she could probably stay in the main living area until another relative arrives to share the apt with her close to Christmas!

How can anyone think this is a good idea or acceptable unless it is an emergency? I will have to sort this out quickly before either of them think it could ever be an option. I think he is happy to see his mum and is forgetting he has a long day leaving at 6am back at 6pm or usually later so the consequences will not affect him as much as the 4 other members of the family. She is flying a very long distance so even more reason that she would need to sleep off her jet lag somewhere other than the front room.

My MIL raised a wonderful human being but also has form for this type of scenario.

Please keep us posted OP.

Hissy · 02/12/2014 13:39

Bloody well done love!

IF she insists on coming back on the front room don't blink and state clearly that a guest doesn't dictate terms of their stay, and that if a perfectly acceptable guest room is not to her liking that she needs to google alternative B&B accommodation, or make alternative plans for christmas.

who the fuck begrudges buying the hostess a gift? worse a christmas gift a narcissist, that's who

All your H has to do now is follow your lead 'This is what works for us DM' and/or 'I'mn sorry if you feel that way DM, but this is how it will be' over and over.

Work together, you can do this. he is terrified (childhood fear too, excruciating) so support him and understand what this is doing to him, but don't allow him or anyone to undermine the family position. it's fight a battle to win the war. it's hard, but she can't beat you if you don't let her.

FannyFifer · 02/12/2014 13:44

Wtf is the fascination with her wanting to sleep in the front room?
Glad you have made progress & DH is on board, well done.

I agree with a short message back, "while you are a guest in our home you will sleep in the guest room, if this does not suit feel free to make other arrangements for Xmas."

Zamboni · 02/12/2014 13:50

Well done OP - you sound firm but diplomatic and it is great your DH is increasingly aware and on side. Now remember to repeat like a broken record about the guest room!

NotYouNaanBread · 02/12/2014 13:55

This is such a great moral lesson in standing up to an overbearing MIL! I can't wait to hear what her response is now, if any.

I'm glad your husband is on board with you - he is probably relieved beyond description. I imagine it can be all but impossible to break the cycle of a lifetime of acquiescence.

Clarabell33 · 02/12/2014 13:58

I'm fascinated with the front room obsession! Can you ask her why she's so determined to sleep there? Is there something wrong with your guest room, in her eyes? I'd have to ask and tbh I'd probably start getting a bit offended about it unless she can come up with a damn good reason why she can't sleep there...

Castlemilk · 02/12/2014 14:04

Jesus.

What does she usually sleep on in the front room? Sofa bed? It'd be doing a disappearing act to a friend's house for the Xmas period if so!

'Let me be clear. You will not be staying in the front room because it inconveniences the whole family and we don't want that. The guest room is available if you still want to come for the agreed dates, if not, it's probably best that you decide now to decline our invitation rather than continue with this level of rudeness when you're under our roof - I'm sure you don't want that miserable a Christmas any more than we do.'

You've started off in the right vein now - keep up the momentum - there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by smacking down HARD. Especially if your H is finally beginning to come around.

Good luck.

LoonvanBoon · 02/12/2014 14:30

What a great email, OP, well done! And thank fuck your DH is starting to back you up a bit. Still can't get over the cheek of the woman - to respond to that email by restating that she'll be in the front room is just unbelievable!

Keep it up with the clear, assertive communication - definitely the way to go. Maybe she'll get the message eventually. I'd still be making other plans for next year, though.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/12/2014 14:37

I just don't the this front room thing...unless it is about the whole household marching to their tune. Just bizarre.