to passively aggressively insist that my 'unmarried name' is used

[MrsDutchie]

For no particular reason other than I didn't want to, I decided to keep my surname. I'm quite happy with it and didn't feel the need to change it.

However DF DM and DSis were quite baffled by this and have decided to 'compromise' by using a double-barrelled name with my surname as the middle name.

This morning I received a very kind package from DSis for upcoming PFB however the delivery man initially wouldn't hand it over because the names didn't match.

I messaged DSis thanking her for the gift and saying FYI I don't use my husband's name and there was some confusion at the door smiley smiley.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up as I'm sure it's tiring for both parties for me to point it out? Family are very traditional and just see this as another one of my stubborn/rebellious things so often act as if I am being tiring.

What the hell is the History of Couverture and the Designation of Femme Couverte. Clearly I am no feminist.

Anyway whatever struggles women had, it was in the end to be given the same choices and rights as men. I chose to take my husband's name and to be called Mrs. I do insist on my own Christian name though :)

I think it's perfectly possible to believe in the redistribution of wealth, equality, social justice etc and still decide (all by yourself, without another man or woman telling you what you should do) to change your name. Or keep your name. Or make up a new one. Or stick a hyphen between your partner's name and your name.

All of that without misunderstanding anything

The societal expectation that a woman will change her name is the last remaining vestige of the common law doctrine of coverture, whereby a woman's legal existence was entirely subsumed in her husband's when she married.

Although whether the woman chooses to change her name/keep her name/do whatever she wants with her name is ultimately up to her. No man or woman has the right to pass judgement on her decision.

Ladies, can I just check that we all have our husbands' permission to spend some time posting on MN this evening? Have we all done the dishes and made ourselves look attractive yet demure?

I'm afraid most things are up for judgement, SirChenjin, especially when your individual decision is also political in a reactionary way that contributes to a certain pigeonholing of women in general. And Scone's account of the female loss of name on marriage as a remnant of archaic legal misogyny is entirely correct and bears repeating.

Maybe being passive aggressive is inappropriate. It's wooly, it's wimpy, it's ambiguous as to where you stand and who is at fault, and it is unlikely to get you anything other than a polite chuckle and an amused smile.

Have you thought about outright aggressively asserting who you are, what your name is, and whether you do or do not accept being called WETF anyone else wants to call you? It's not rude, and it asserts your position as the controller of your own life, whether they like it or not.

I'm sure DH will back you up fully.

I didn't change my name and if this happened to me, it would piss me right off! It's your name, your choice. So in my view, you are no BU.

I disagree. If someone makes a choice to do something of her or his own free will, then providing it's not illegal, you (as an individual) have no right to pass judgement in their presence simply because you disagree with it - which is precisely what this OP is about, and precisely what the majority of us are agreeing should not happen. Pigeonholing of women works both ways and is not desireable.

I am Ms Myname, and it has never caused the LEAST difficulty having a different name to my children.

That said, I have every intention of annoying DD, and my future DILS by writing to them as Ms TheirBirthname, in order to redress the balance a little. I may even write them cheques that they can't cash to their birth names. Large ones.

OneHand I can't believe I never thought of that. My daughter took her husband's name. Hmmm.

I wouldn't dream of passing judgement in any woman's presence, SirChenjin, but I make no apologies at all for my silent judgement of a decision that in my experience is less of an informed free choice than the result of muddled underthinking and highly gendered social convention.

Someone asked up the thread whether only women who kept their names were ambitious and successful - I have no idea whether there's a statistical correlation between success and the retention of one's name, but I would point out that dumping the name under which one would assume a successful woman has amassed a significant body of work/goodwill/ professional esteem etc in her field isn't the obvious step.

What a shame you feel that way - as opposed to recognising that other women may have opinions formulated as a result of their own intelligent judgement you choose instead to accuse them (silently, how kind of you) of muddled underthinking. One would also hope that you would judge the woman on her professional abilities as opposed to her own personal choice of name, but again, apparently not.

There's some interesting parallels between your belief system and that of the OP's relatives.

I know of a couple who took her surname, not because 'she' was 'ambitious' (ooh, the implied sin of such a thing), but because he had three brothers, two of which had already married and had children, and she was one of two daughter, and rather than 'be traditional', they chose to stand up and 'be judged' and carry forth her family name for at another generation. An honourable thing for all to do, I'd suggest. If not, then at least they had the balls to walk their own path and tell the rest of the judging world to GTF.

Going OT a bit - when you register a baby can you choose any surname you like? I confess I assumed it had to be one of the parent's names, but does it?

Excellent plan Cat!

If I'd been brave enough I'd have used my Mum's maiden name, lovely Welsh one, or DH 's middle name, which is his Father's mother's maiden name, lovely Scottish one.

You call yourself what you like and are being perfectly reasonable to insist on it being used.