to passively aggressively insist that my 'unmarried name' is used

[MrsDutchie]

For no particular reason other than I didn't want to, I decided to keep my surname. I'm quite happy with it and didn't feel the need to change it.

However DF DM and DSis were quite baffled by this and have decided to 'compromise' by using a double-barrelled name with my surname as the middle name.

This morning I received a very kind package from DSis for upcoming PFB however the delivery man initially wouldn't hand it over because the names didn't match.

I messaged DSis thanking her for the gift and saying FYI I don't use my husband's name and there was some confusion at the door smiley smiley.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up as I'm sure it's tiring for both parties for me to point it out? Family are very traditional and just see this as another one of my stubborn/rebellious things so often act as if I am being tiring.

YABU, you should signed a contract with your own blood agreeing to change your surname after your father handed over your dowry and an extra sheep!
JK, a lot of women prefer to keep their maiden names, even if they change them legally, for professional use in fact I've heard it's quite common among teachers to avoid confusion. It should be a personal choice.

Out of interest micah, how is it easy enough to take ID down to the post office that verifies a name you've never used?

Oh god please don't suck it up, people like this need to show some respect for your choice and get with the 21st century. At least it's your own family rather than DH's (is that right?) so it should be easier to tell them straight. I would keep sending messages saying "please use my name which is XXXXXX in all correspondence, otherwise it's difficult to get parcels." Repeat ad nauseam and if they still refuse I would be double-barrelling their names with something random and using those names until they agree.

YANBU. I hate this.

Just be upfront.

'Dear rude twunts

Please use my name on all correspondence: Mrs Dutchie, not Mrs Dutchie-
Husband'sName. The latter is not my name. It also causes confusion with secure packages, banking etc.

Thank you
Mrs fucking Dutchie'

Send back any wrongly addressed cheques, explaining why.

I've kept my name and the DC have my surname and not DH's :)

But my DM still sends me mail to DH surname and I've told her countless times. She says it out of respect for DH. I have to say he doesn't give a sxxt about it even his own children don't use his name!

YANBU at all. My sis has always kept her original family name since she qualified as a doctor, and is always known by that name. I too keep the family name. My dh's name is the most bizarre African thing and I'd be forever spelling it for people. Also, who said we women should change our names? If people don't like it, tough!

"out of respect for DH"

But no respect due to the woman!

Women who do this are "stubborn" but people who persist in calling them the wrong name against their will aren't!

And it's often women perpetrating this crap!

You're hardly being PA in insisting on the use of your name (it's not actually your 'maiden name' or 'unmarried name', it's just your name, unless you actively choose to alter it)! I had to train my family and ILs very patiently and repeatedly, rather like housetraining a puppy, that just because I had undergone a registry office quickie with my now-husband, I remained, just as before Dr Papps, not Mrs HisSurname, not Mrs Papps-HIsSurname.

This is not difficult. Stick to your guns, OP. They need to respect your choice, and it's hardly some kind of weird radicalism in 2014.

I did what you did nostress married 24 yrs, kept my own name, dc have mine - you just have to stick to your guns OP, be very clear with everyone. If you want to keep your own name don't get worn down and start responding to his name - my bf did that and in the end just changed it to his (which she still regrets 30+ yrs later).

Our kids have my surname too but my MIL (not that we're married) goes through this whole show when she sends them cards of writing variations of our surnames put together on the envelope, then scoring them out.

I'm double-barrelled anyway so she mixes up those two names with DP's - I suppose it's to show us just how very tricky it all is. Just makes her look deranged .

it's hardly some kind of weird radicalism in 2014
you would flippin hope not but the way some people react is incredible!

Suck it up?

Don't you dare OP! If they're so traditional maybe reminds them that good manners are traditional too and it's good manners to address a person by their actual name.

YANBU.

I chose to change mine but I'd be pissed off if someone took it upon themselves to decide my name was now oldname-newname.

OMG YANBU, and YANBPA either! I am Miss Thisis, have never wanted to change my name. People can be really rude about it. I think you need to keep reminding them! And your postman is also U.

Well at least you know what to give them at Christmas - a bulk lot of labels printed with three varieties-your name, dh name and both of your names! That would be spectacularly PA!

If they're so traditional maybe reminds them that good manners are traditional too and it's good manners to address a person by their actual name.

Ooh like it squoosh. Do that OP.

Super annoying. MIL was a bit like this when DH and I were first married. In the end I told him next time it happened I would send it back 'not known at this address' and even though he hates telling his Mum off he must have said something because it miraculously stopped.

His DGM on the other hand insists on addressing things to me as Mrs HisFirstName MyLastName People are bizarre.

What would your DSis think if you referred to her as Ms oldname-newname?

It's just as rude and inaccurate.

I never changed my surname. Post people don't have any problem - they hand over parcels for DH and DC even though they have a different surname to me.

Did have a solicitor (MCP) do it once on cheque (ie use wrong surname) - the bank wouldn't accept cheque so we had to send it back to solicitor and cause more work for him - his problem.

That reminds me Tempy. I didn't change my name at all when we got married so have no ID as Mrs DH.
My parents were setting up power of attorney and explained this to their solicitor but wanted to put a caveat in just in case I ever do want to change to Mrs DH. I can't see that arising but we have both versions on the dc's birth certs just in case.
The solicitor seemed absolutely fine with that.
And then issued all the documentation as Mrs DH nee Miss Me.
So he got all that back to amend...

Schokolade, I know who the parcel is for because of the name on the card.

I just need to take some ID for that name, so dh will leave me his debit card or driving licence, or I take dc bank statement or something.

That's the rule at our PO. I just need ID for the recipient of the parcel, it doesn't have to be my ID.

I sympathise. No one in my family can accept I kept my name when I got married. My mum thinks it's an abomination and refuses to address cards, etc. correctly. I'm Mrs Hisname and that's that. I just ignore it.

My old-fashioned FIL also got used to it quite soon as he gave cheques as presents and realised there was no point putting the wrong name on them. I don't care what people put on envelopes - we get a variety. Some hotels have occasionally called DH Mr Tempy if I've booked it. Doesn't really matter as long as we pay the bill.

I get it as well . I have no ID in that name because, well, it isn't my name. Funnily enough no one ever suggests that DH get some form of ID with my surname on it just in case.

If I ever pick up something for him or the DCs from the PO I just take their ID with me.