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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to passively aggressively insist that my 'unmarried name' is used

118 replies

MrsDutchie · 01/12/2014 09:33

For no particular reason other than I didn't want to, I decided to keep my surname. I'm quite happy with it and didn't feel the need to change it.

However DF DM and DSis were quite baffled by this and have decided to 'compromise' by using a double-barrelled name with my surname as the middle name.

This morning I received a very kind package from DSis for upcoming PFB however the delivery man initially wouldn't hand it over because the names didn't match.

I messaged DSis thanking her for the gift and saying FYI I don't use my husband's name and there was some confusion at the door smiley smiley.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up as I'm sure it's tiring for both parties for me to point it out? Family are very traditional and just see this as another one of my stubborn/rebellious things so often act as if I am being tiring.

OP posts:
MothershipG · 01/12/2014 17:10

But outof most of us have our father's name! How is that less worse than taking our husbands? If you have your Mother's name then you totally have a point, otherwise, not so much.

(Also if you knew what a pain my original family name was I think you'd have some sympathy! Wink)

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 17:14

But outof most of us have our father's name!

And because of that women can only ever regard their own names as temporary and 'on loan' and MUST change them when their ownsership transfers to another male Mothership!?

Can't women just choose whether or not to keep the name they have had since birth?

Or shall we go the whole hog and issue baby girls with DVLA style logbooks, so the men can just re-register and rename them at will?

squoosh · 01/12/2014 17:21

Why do people only say 'oh but a woman's name is just her father's name anyway'? No one ever says that to a man. Funny that.

People have no control over the name they're given at birth but as far as I'm concerned I've owned my name since birth, it's as much my name as it is my brothers.

Floisme · 01/12/2014 17:26

I do sympathise, Arsenic. It's quite funny the way some of my friends' children have turned out to be so traditional. (Mine is still a teenager so I've yet to really find out). I guess your kids will always find a way to push your buttons!

FollowTheStarship · 01/12/2014 17:26

Men also "just" get their father's name, in the main. But somehow it's oh so important for them to keep theirs and for it to become the family name.

The point isn't really about where your name came from, sexist as that tradition may also be. It's about who is expected to change and give up their name, thereby illustrating who is considered less important - to the extent that even if she decides not to go along with the (sexist, disrespectful) tradition, she gets it thrust upon her anyway by (sexist, disrespectful) relatives.

SunbathingCat · 01/12/2014 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 01/12/2014 17:30

I disagree that it's a generation thing. I am probably of your parents' generation and I kept my name, as did the majority of my friends.

Same for me and a lot of us second wavers.

muntermonster · 01/12/2014 17:31

YANBU. If someone (anyone) gets your name wrong, you correct them. End of story.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 01/12/2014 17:34

Giving children their father's surname is a separate but linked issue to women changing their name on marriage.

Most children are given their father's surname (rightly or wrongly). They are treated equally in this respect. It's when they grow up that expectations change, men keep theirs, women get questioned and pressured to change theirs, that is the part that is wrong. This then perpetuates the custom of children being given the father's surname because in so many cases the woman has relinquished her own surname.

If more women kept their own surnames into parenthood, I think we would see more children being given their mother's surnames.

MothershipG · 01/12/2014 17:36

Noooo! My point is no one MUST do anything! Keep the name you were given when you were born, change it to someone else's, double barrell, make up a whole new one, whatever you like!

I chose to change mine because I didn't like the one I was stuck with at birth and I wanted the same one as my DC (even then it took me 5 years to get around to it.)

But I do not believe that I am letting down the feminist movement with my choices and I do not accept that it is awful as outof stated at 14:14:01 to choose one man's name over another, or that I in any way support or endorse past bad treatment of women.

squoosh · 01/12/2014 17:42

I don't see it as 'choosing one man's name over another'. I see it as choosing a man's name one's own name.

squoosh · 01/12/2014 17:42

'over' one's own name rather.

BiddyPop · 01/12/2014 17:44

I am still having to lodge cheques from my DM to our current account, as that gets around her sending them to Biddy DHSurname - it's a savings a/c that we rarely use but needed for mortgage drawdown cheques while doing a building project.

We only opened that a/c when we were married 7 years, it's 14 now and I still get cheques to DH Surname - despite NUMEROUS PA and direct comments on it!!

mummytime · 01/12/2014 17:46

Well what annoys me is: my FIL who was vaguely annoyed I wouldn't be taking DHs name has no problem with this - sends me a generous cheque in my name for B'days and Christmas (nice man). On the other hand my nieces - who would all describe themselves as feminists, have for each of their weddings addressed me and put me on seating plans as Mrs DH, instead of Dr Mummytime.

I don't know what they will do if youngest DD decides to use my name when she is older (as she threatens to do, because it is more unusual).

SirChenjin · 01/12/2014 17:50

Hear hear Mothership

Redhead11 · 01/12/2014 17:52

DD2 changed her surname after XH left. When she turned 16, she got it legally changed and got a new birth certificate to make it easier to get passports etc. DD1 has never accepted this and still addresses things to her sister as Miss Redhead.

I am currently using a mixture of his married name and my maiden name. On my documents, i am still Mrs XH but otherwise i am Miss Redhead. I do sometimes get confused as to which name i am using, but fortunately my Christian name is unusual and they find me by that.

Nervo · 01/12/2014 18:01

Well, my dd has her Mother's name. Gotta start somewhere.

I must be either lucky or intimidating because my family and my in-laws send correspondence to me correctly - Ms MyName.

MothershipG · 01/12/2014 18:09

squoosh You obviously identify strongly, and have greater attachment to, the name you were given than I did mine. Fair enough, your choice, your prerogative.

Probably because I didn't like mine I didn't identify so strongly, not enough to upset everyone by changing it by deed poll or anything, but when the opportunity to change it for a nicer one presented itself I took it.

And my feminist conscience is clear and I 100% support anyone who doesn't want to change, or wants to double barrel, or picks a brand new one.

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 18:22

It's quite funny the way some of my friends' children have turned out to be so traditional. (Mine is still a teenager so I've yet to really find out). I guess your kids will always find a way to push your buttons!

I'd better start steeling myself for the possiblity I have produced nouveau victorians too, I suppose floismeGrin

The thought of being sanwiched between two generations of them makes me feel quite faint, though.

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 18:23

sandwiched^

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 18:26

Noooo! My point is no one MUST do anything! Keep the name you were given when you were born, change it to someone else's, double barrell, make up a whole new one, whatever you like!

Oh I see Mothership. Fair enough.

I can't help feeling the that refering to women's/girls' names as their fathers' names undermines their ownership of them, though. As squoosh says, no-one says the same about boys'/men's names.

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 18:50

I think there's a divide here between people who are individualists (it's all about personal choice) and people who take a more collective approach (it's a much wider political/social issue with a history).

I often feel that the former camp simply doesn't understand the history of couverture and the designation of feme covert, and the bitter struggle that women had to fight to be seen as subjects - and how proud we ought to be of those precious victories, and how we should memorialise them and keep them close at every opportunity.

I do have sympathy for those who dislike their names or perhaps have a personal history that means that they don't want to take a father's name. However, there are often many in the lineage, or you could even make something up just to avoid the whole 'taking the man's name' issue.

Personally - and I am NOT reflecting on anyone here, but on actual things I have witnessed in real life - I have seen many women who would self-describe as feminists take a partner's name for very, very reactionary reasons, simply to please a man ('He thinks it's cute that I want to!', 'He was really flattered when I told him!'. Eurgh.

SirChenjin · 01/12/2014 18:53

Yes, that's it. We simply don't understand Hmm

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 18:58

Either that or you're rampant individualists!

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 19:00

I personally think that the not-understanding explanation is more charitable than the individualist one.

But I'm one of those crazy and unMumsnet types who also believes in redistribution of wealth, equality, social justice etc. Smile