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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to passively aggressively insist that my 'unmarried name' is used

118 replies

MrsDutchie · 01/12/2014 09:33

For no particular reason other than I didn't want to, I decided to keep my surname. I'm quite happy with it and didn't feel the need to change it.

However DF DM and DSis were quite baffled by this and have decided to 'compromise' by using a double-barrelled name with my surname as the middle name.

This morning I received a very kind package from DSis for upcoming PFB however the delivery man initially wouldn't hand it over because the names didn't match.

I messaged DSis thanking her for the gift and saying FYI I don't use my husband's name and there was some confusion at the door smiley smiley.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up as I'm sure it's tiring for both parties for me to point it out? Family are very traditional and just see this as another one of my stubborn/rebellious things so often act as if I am being tiring.

OP posts:
spiffysquiffyspiggy · 01/12/2014 12:18

On the cheque issue, first direct were very helpful. They told me if I sent them a copy of our marriage certificate they would register it on the account and I can pay in cheques made out to spiggy my name and spiggy his name. I can still tell the people sending the cheques off about using the wrong name, but the money is sitting in the account earning interest while I do it Grin

FryOneFatManic · 01/12/2014 13:09

DP and I have been together 28 years, and quite a few people have forgotten we never got married. So I do sometimes get mail, etc addressed to Mrs HisName. I immediately remind them that it's Ms MyName.

I don't plan on changing my name in the unlikely event we ever get married. What's the point? I already have a name.

One married woman did try to tell me that if I didn't change my name, then I couldn't possibly love DP. So I pointed out to her that obviously her husband couldn't love her as he hadn't changed his name. Which shut her up rather quickly.

UncleT · 01/12/2014 13:11

Why passive aggressive anything?? It's totally your choice - just tell people what you want.

Topseyt · 01/12/2014 13:38

It is your choice. I did take my husband's surname, but that was my choice.

There is no law saying that a woman is obliged to take her husband's surname when they marry, it is just a long standing tradition, probably dating back centuries, from when a wife was considered to as good as "belong" to her husband after the wedding. That doesn't wash nowadays though, as women are much more equal partners and most that I know would take exception to being classed as a possession of their husband's.

Plenty of people don't understand that though, and appear to think that the name change is automatically conferred on the woman.

If I had my time again I wonder if I would keep my maiden name. I don't dislike either name, but with the value of hindsight I now know what a hassle it was to change it on all of my official documents (driving licence, passport, bank accounts etc.).

Boltonlass · 01/12/2014 14:03

I haven't taken my husband's name (17 years married) but decided long ago that I don't really mind what I get called. I am Miss/Ms/Mrs depending on mood, and both DH and I have been addressed using each others surname and have also has our surnames double barrelled by some friends.

But if it bothers you, you should do something about it. Just keep telling them gently every time until they get the message.

I had more of a problem when MIL (known by dcs as 'nana') insisted on calling my mum 'granny' (not grandma) despite being told that my mum hated it. it was her sad little way of having a dig at my mum, but I never let it go - just quietly pointed it out every time - until she got bored and stopped.

They'll stop eventually if you persist in telling them. But IMO it's not worth falling out about, unless you think it is being done maliciously.

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 14:14

I kept my maiden name because it is 2014, and I am no longer a chattel to be passed from my father to my husband, with no ability to vote or to be a legal subject, as was the case a mere 150 or so years ago.

To me, keeping your husband's name is a celebration of everything that was wrong with gender relations in the past. It is not cute or lovely. It is awful.

I think it's a matter of respect to call you by the name you have chosen, not a name that is convenient for them.

MissM · 01/12/2014 14:17

Good luck with pointing it out. I didn't change my name when I got married, but despite that being 9 years ago my mum still sends me stuff in my 'married' name. I've told her and told her and told her - she ignores me. I'm not sure if it's a generation thing, but god it's irritating!

FinallyHere · 01/12/2014 14:21

Just tagging on. My DM is the only person in the world who sends me letters addressed to Mrs HisInitials HisName. In her day, it was such a badge of honour to be married, and entitled to be Mrs Hisname, that she honestly can't follow why i don't see it like that.

Sigh.

Like someone said upthread, she couldn't imagine how i could not change my name. Bless her.

Floisme · 01/12/2014 14:42

I disagree that it's a generation thing. I am probably of your parents' generation and I kept my name, as did the majority of my friends.

micah · 01/12/2014 14:48

I also strongly dislike the "Mrs" thing. I don't want to be defined by whether I'm married or not. Men aren't, and their title doesn't change when they marry.

I have a non-gendered title, and it is always assumed I am male.

InThisTogether · 01/12/2014 15:14

could try telling his family that you have agree with them that you should have the same name and that your DH is from now on going to be referred to as MrDutchie.

that should shut them up!

OwlCapone · 01/12/2014 15:29

I think it's a matter of respect to call you by the name you have chosen

And I think it's a matter of respect not to be so rude about people who have chosen differently to you.

mix56 · 01/12/2014 15:31

My Mum's surname was "Bonkers" & she married my Dad who coincidentally was also "Bonkers", I got married to my OH after 23 years of living in sin as "Bonkers" & so, Obviously, when we finally decided to marry (for tax reasons) at 55 yrs old, I had no intention of changing my identity, Many people (overseas) think this is punishable with fire ... How dare I not bow to OH & humbly grovel in gratitude to be bequeathed his name ?
My mother has always sent me mail & cheques (to me with OH name, uncashable) & recently my bank has decided that I am now mrs OH, when I rang & said the cheque book didn't match either my ID or credit cards & they would have to print a "Bonkers" cheque book, they decreed I would have to change my name, fortunately I had researched this & told em to FO !!
I really do want to remain Bonkers, like my mum, like my dad, my brothers, This is ME, It is my nationality, my identity.
Fortunately for OH he seems to accept that I am indeed Bonkers !

MothershipG · 01/12/2014 15:40

outofcontrol You either have your Mother's or your Father's surname, are you their chattel? Of course not.

I am a feminist and I have chosen to take my DH's name because I wanted to have the same name as our children, I also dislike my original surname.

Please respect my decision by not being so condescending about it.

Whyamihere · 01/12/2014 15:46

I never changed my name but my Mum still insists on sending cards to Mrs DH's name even though I've told her numerous times, the funny thing is that she has reverted to her maiden name after she got divorced and she hates if I accidently send her something with her married name on (I try very hard to remember but she's been known to me as her married name for 40 odd years).

Incidentally I use the fact I haven't changed my name to my advantage with cold callers as I can say with a clear conscience that there is nobody in the house called Mrs DH's name when they ask.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 01/12/2014 16:34

This thread has helped me seethe less inside about it and to keep pushing it as and when necessary but not let it bother me!! Wonder what it'll be like for the next generation?

OP posts:
OneSkinnyChip · 01/12/2014 16:43

YANBU. I just roll my eyes when I get the post because I can't be bothered. Half of DH's family and half of my own family call me by my actual name and half call me by Mrs DH's name. They were all at the wedding. They all know my name has not changed. Some people are just arses.

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 16:44

It must be better for them. This is a veritable epidemic of 60 somethings playing dumb about what their DDs and DILs (and DGC) are called, it seems.

SunbathingCat · 01/12/2014 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 16:52

I don't think it is an individual decision though - it's a social and a political one that is wired into some pretty disgraceful and discriminatory history.

It's a decision that I have no respect for. AT ALL! That's my personal opinion. This is AIBU, so I'm allowed to voice it.

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 16:52

(I keep quite when friends make it in real life)

outofcontrol2014 · 01/12/2014 16:53

*quiet! Damn you, autocorrect.

Floisme · 01/12/2014 17:04

This is a veritable epidemic of 60 somethings playing dumb about what their DDs and DILs (and DGC) are called, it seems.

I don't think it's that straightforward. As I said in my earlier post, I along with a lot of friends who are now 60-something, kept our names. However my friends' kids are now starting to get married and so far, every one of them has taken their husband's name.

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 17:04

Which decision outofcontrol? Changing name on marriage?

ArsenicSoup · 01/12/2014 17:09

Oh it's a subset of that generation, of course Floisme. I'm just surprised how large a subset.

I must have explicitly explained to my mother at least a dozen times what my DC & I are called. Yet she still sends post and presents to entirely fictional people. But then she is hopelessly old-fashioned, parochial, judgemental etc despite being born in the 1950s. It is just that I cannot begin to imagine unilaterally renaming someone and then ignoring their protestations.

What I wouldn't give (sometimes) for one of the second-wavers of her generation to deal with instead.