to feel awkward in my own home?

[lem73]

My pils live abroad and visit two or three times a year. I don't want to go on and on about them because I appreciate relationships with in laws are not easy. However what I object to is the way they monopolise my dh and make me feel left out when they visit. When we're sitting in the living room or at dinner they will sit very closely to dh and either talk in a low voice so I can't hear or talk about stuff I couldn't possibly know about so I can't participate in the conversation. However what really drives me mad is that they actually spend most of the time in their bedroom and dh will go up and sit with them and they will often ask the kids to join them. This means I am sitting downstairs on my own a lot of the time when I'm not busy cooking or cleaning after them. I'm not sure if they sit upstairs to deliberately leave me out but the end result is I feel like a spare chair in my own house. Right now I'm sitting here alone while the kids are out and dh is upstairs with his parents. I'm fed up with it. They do make me feel like they're hear to see him not me. I get they miss their son but this is my home too! Am I being over sensitive?

They are blatantly excluding you from the family. Ask you DH why they are behaving like this. Tell him it is rude.

I wonder if you did FaceTime with gc and you and them each week say Monday after tea, maybe having more regular contact might mean you all get to know each other - as really although you are family not so frequent contact (albeit made impossible by them themselves) it is hard to get to know someone (and impossible as they sit in other rooms) - and if that didn't work and they were still rude then I'd make Dh put them up in a nearby hotel and they can come round when Dh is available or the family go on outings or out for tea. And if you are excluded then it isn't in your house - they won't have a room to retreat to when visiting you.

I think the only way to deal with this is a concerted effort by you and your DH. They can go sulk in their room if they want, but you, your DH, and your dcs stay down in the family areas. If ILs want to socialise, they'll need to come down to the family areas. If they call the dcs or your DH up to their room, the response needs to be "Sorry, I can't right now. But you're welcome to come downstairs and chat with the rest of us whenever you'd like." And then stick to it.

If they are speaking quietly to your DH, he needs to say "We don't need to tip toe around DW about this stuff - we're married, I tell her EVERYTHING, so you don't need to be secretive. I don't keep secrets from her. Even if you whisper it now, I'll just be discussing it with her later anyway, so it's kind of silly." And then he needs to discuss in a normal voice. Each and every time.

But your DH needs to be firmly on board. Yes, this may increase the stress initially.... but after awhile they'll realise you mean business and they will either fall in line or shorten their visits. Win-win IMO.

The thing is, you can't reasonably FORCE them to come downstairs. But you CAN expect your DH and dcs not to go along with that. Then they are left with the option of either coming downstairs or enforcing their own "exile" in their room. If they choose to then stay up in their room while everyone else is downstairs, it's their choice... and their problem.

yanbu, retreating back to their bedroom and inviting their son and gc in to join them (as if it were their quarters) while you clean downstairs..............

wow.

if you haven't the nerve to say anything, I'd just go to a hotel next time they're over.

i agree with other pps though, your husband should recognise that their behaviour is a little odd at best. He should talk to them about how inappropriate it is for everbody in the house except you to sit in their bedroom like it's a sitting room, and he should talk to them about the whispering.