to feel awkward in my own home?

[lem73]

My pils live abroad and visit two or three times a year. I don't want to go on and on about them because I appreciate relationships with in laws are not easy. However what I object to is the way they monopolise my dh and make me feel left out when they visit. When we're sitting in the living room or at dinner they will sit very closely to dh and either talk in a low voice so I can't hear or talk about stuff I couldn't possibly know about so I can't participate in the conversation. However what really drives me mad is that they actually spend most of the time in their bedroom and dh will go up and sit with them and they will often ask the kids to join them. This means I am sitting downstairs on my own a lot of the time when I'm not busy cooking or cleaning after them. I'm not sure if they sit upstairs to deliberately leave me out but the end result is I feel like a spare chair in my own house. Right now I'm sitting here alone while the kids are out and dh is upstairs with his parents. I'm fed up with it. They do make me feel like they're hear to see him not me. I get they miss their son but this is my home too! Am I being over sensitive?

I absolutely would turn the upstairs electricity off. Let's see just how bored they get in the dark.

on your behalf. Your husband knows this is disrespect, and yet he allows this. I'd have his fucking balls for earrings .

Hurrah for the dc's who are rejecting the bedroom scene. You might instruct dc's to invite grandparents downstairs or even outside when grandparents invite them to crowd into the bedroom. Likely they won't come, but it would be polite to ask. Who knows, it might even work.

The whole things sounds territorial really. They are that afraid of not being on home turf, even after all these years of visiting the UK and your home, that they hide away in the guest room as it is 'their' space. this sounds so super entrenched that i can't see why you would bother any more. Let them stay up there, hell, send their food on a tray by way of dh, while you go about your business as if they, and he, aren't there. Meanwhile, you catch up on reading as you do when visiting them, get through your netflix queue, go hang out with your friends, why not invite your friends in! I would seriously consider going off on a short holiday while they are there even, since your kids are not tiny.

You can keep arguing or you can choose to move on. Years of arguing has had no real result. Unless you want to argue for it's own sake, why keep on arguing?

Is it a language thing? Do they hide from you so that they can speak Turkish to their son?

Two weeks?! And they complain about being bored?!! WTAF.
They are selfish bastards with no boundaries.
I would talk to your DH and insist that he lays down some ground rules:

1. They stay for 7 days max
2. They spend time in family areas (eg living room) and include you in things, this is the absolute minimum when you're inviting them into your home and cooking for them!
3. They are polite and don't complain about being bored (cheeky fuckers)

If they don't like those rules they can damn well stay in a hotel.

It sounds like you and/or your husband lack assertiveness. And I'm not surprised this is a problem if you've had arguments about his parents in the past. Have you considered couple's counselling to help you discuss the issues and agree on how to tackle them together? It could be helpful. And I think your DH might need some outside advice given that his parents sound awful.

Do you think your DH's parents resent the fact that he's moved to another country and they can't see him and his kids as much as they might like? It might explain their bad behaviour although it doesn't excuse it of course.

I'm wondering if they wanted him to stay in their home town where they could see him on their own terms and interfere as much as they wanted. Now he has moved away and is independent they might not like it. And they might blame or resent you for "taking him away" (not that they would be right to do so).

Any truth in this or am I guessing wrong?

Oh and I wouldn't go elsewhere when they come, it's your house FFS! They need to behave like respectful guests or they can't come!
(Can you tell I'm angry on your behalf?! )

Your job is to keep house, provide GC and make food for them, staying humbly in the background.
Your DH "rewards" you for your "compliance" with a spa treat.

You cant tackle them alone, you will need to address it with DH.

A 100 spa days wouldn't make up for this, I'm afraid.
I'd be telling DH they can stay in a hotel in future...

AnotherEmma you're spot on. They're very controlling and he's gone and been successful somewhere else and they don't like it. He doesn't rely on them like his younger brother. Everyone has made me realise I need to say something about their behaviour but it's not very smart to do it while they're here because he's not exactly relaxed either.

They sound awful. Next time they want to visit why doesn't your dh tell them not to bother as they'll only complain about being bored?
It just sounds ridiculous.

You either get dh to speak to them and sort out this ridiculous situation or you accept that's how it is and leave them to it. Go off and do something else instead.

It doesn't matter that they're bored, there's no excuse for the level of rudeness that you're having to put up with.
My Dh and obviously my Pil are not English and we often spend long stints of time together, they live in our home in the UK.
While we're not all joined to each other and often do our own thing - we all remain polite, inform each other when coming and going, sit down and eat together a few times a week etc.. Dh and I do spend most evenings upstairs in our room as we like to chill and watch movies - Pil don't share our taste so prefer to stay downstairs and watch politics or whatever but they'd be welcome to bunk up with us if they wanted to :)
When I'm bored I'll clean/read/go for a walk or whatever to distract myself and Mil is positively ecstatic when I ask her to show me how to cook recipes from their Country despite me not fluently speaking their language nor her English - we manage because we want to and because we make an effort, she's always concerned when the 3 of them speak their own language together, she checks that I understand which I do but can't always articulate myself to join in.

I don't get your MIL - why does she not want to show your children special recipes from Turkey, cook her son's favourite meal or whatever.

The more I read - the more angry I am for you.
After they've gone, sit your husband down and tell him if he hasn't got the balls to sort them out then next time it's 7 days maximum. Non negotiable - they can take the offer of 7 days free accommodation or leave it and stay in a hotel or better still stay at home.

Are they independent & mobile or do they need assistance?

If they are independent & language isn't a problem, could they go on a sight seeing trip for a few days? It would relieve the boredom and break up the trip for them.

Have they got any friends or relations in this country that they could visit?

Yes they're in good shape. They're in their late 60s so not old and doddery! Fil's nephew has got a research job in Edinburgh so they're going up there for a couple of days which provides some relief. I just don't get grandparents who complain about being bored when coming to see their gcs. I guess they want them on their territory on their terms. However that's not going to work as the kids grow up. They've got interests and friends here. They hardly talk to my dss because they want the kids to make an effort with them. Of course I should require the kids to be welcoming and polite but if their grandparents are not showing any interest in them I can't control it.

They are certainly being rude, but can I also say that I see it from the point of view of being a visitor in a country where you don't speak the language and are there for say two weeks. I go to my husband's country (which is near to Turkey as it happens) and after a few visits to see relatives, I often end up retreating to my bedroom/keeping out of the way. It is relentless being on display when you don't speak the language and you aren't part of the culture, I just end up in the bedroom in the evenings as I prefer it there and leave my husband to talk endlessly in his language to his family/parents/friends- I say hi and then go and read. You get fed up of nodding, and there are only so many strained translated conversations (even if they are speaking a little English) before you start giving up and just letting them get on with it.

I wonder if they are staying upstairs to stay out of your way, and also because many people perceive it as rude if they don't speak English when there are English people present- but this again is very tiring. I would invite them downstairs, but make it very clear that they and your husband can speak Turkish freely- we do in our house because we are a bilingual household and always having to default to English and make my IL's speak very broken English (my FIL speaks no english at all) is really unfair in a home context (bit different if guests arrive).

I think much of the advice given assumes a common culture- this clearly isn't the case here, and you allude to them not bonding that well with the children/asking them to do things they don't want to do.

I also think much of the advice is a bit naive as to how hard it is in cross-cultural situations- yes, they could come to the school play or whatever but perhaps they feel quite out of it, unless they speak excellent english. I have noticed this before- English speaking foreign parents who are very integrated, come to everything, trailing parents who don't speak English at all or very well or who are just not going to 'fit' in particularly with the school crowd. Mine are like that- they will come if forced to school events, but it's not particularly easy for them and they don't mostly understand what is going on.

I do get they seem rude and you are frustrated, but I am reminded of the other thread where the IL's (all English) said they were a bit bored in the evenings and instead of everyone slating them, the poster was advised to get some board-games!!! Not on this thread though, everyone just says how rude they are. It is likely that in a 17 day visit they might want a bit of entertaining and perhaps if you were going to Turkey you might also be saying to your husband that you hoped to do some interesting things/get taken out a bit.

This is a long way of saying that given the cultural differences going on, there is a lot more going on here than just some sulky parents sitting in their room. Without more details of how integrated they might be, language abilities, general cultural integration in your family (do your children speak Turkish, spend time in Turkey) I can't really judge whether YABU or not.

I really really appreciate what your saying but my mil is a professor of English and fil used to own an import business dealing with lots of companies here. I would describe their whole family as being bilingual. I think they do struggle with some stuff on tv. I think they don't get the British sense of humour so they don't want to watch British tv shows. They prefer American tv so they watch sitcoms on comedy central when they grace us with their presence downstairs. I can get understand the picture you have of them though but they are quite cosmopolitan people. However when I lived with dh in Turkey my parents would visit and they don't speak Turkish but they were happy just to go with the flow. Trust me I don't like bitching about them because I do appreciate they are getting old and they didn't ask for their ds to marry a foreigner and move countries. However they can't resent me indefinitely and we are all better off here materially and in quality of life.

I don't think the OP is so bothered about the ILs taking time out in their room, it's the fact that her DH joins them there, and they try to get the DC in there too that's causing the issue.

No one would mind them having time out, surely? but holding court in their bedroom as opposed to trying to spend time in the main part of the house is rather exclusionary of the OP.

I get what you are saying too, my IL's are well educated, but my guess is they prefer to speak Turkish at least part of the time, when relaxing with family, is that something you would be comfortable with if they came downstairs? Or would you expect everything to still be in English? My guess was when your parents went to Turkey, they spoke English to you- that's what your IL's are doing in your home, speaking their language, to their son. If you could relax about this, and be happy for both them to chatter in their language, and then in English, things will be much easier than if they are expected to speak English all the time (I have friends who teach English as a foreign language, brilliant English, but it's tiring and they all prefer to default to their own language when relaxing which I guess you do too).

My advice would be - get them to stay in a hotel for a shorter period of time, do what you can do in terms of days out and entertaining and then leave your husband to do the bulk of it- then they can chatter in Turkish, talk about relations/friends/the political climate etc.

I would also ask them to help around the house, so I get my MIL to chop veg for the salad and my FIL to go out and buy stuff with my husband (they do v similar jobs to your IL's, this is irrelevant to having to join in when you are in a household).

Then- if you have invited them downstairs, happy to switch languages as required, they can go back to the hotel in the evenings and relax.

And- if they continue to be rude, just ignore them and live your own life when they are here. The real fault lies with your husband in not providing a united front with you as a family- if they spend the evening in their rooms relaxing, I don't see this as odd, but it is odd if he then abandons you for nights on end for them. It would be him I would be having words with, not them as they are guest and may believe they are doing the right thing by keeping out of the way and speaking their language when you are not present.

Next time they treat you like the staff and ignore you give them a stern "bana ne" and flounce off dramatically! I get them wanting to see their son, but how would they feel if you went to visit them and spent the whole time avoiding them? They are being rude, cultural differences or not.

Hairtoday at no point did I mention language as a problem. They can and do speak in Turkish when they want. I'm quite fluent and I understand everything I hear and the whole family know that so they could never feel self conscious about that. Friends and neighbours actually joke about how conversations in this house can be conducted in two languages. The subjects they sit and mumble to each other about are not Turkish politics but usually and family financial matters which they don't want me to know about (dh fil and bil have a lot of investments together). I do get told by dh later but it does piss me off they think it's none of my business.
As for asking mil to help with cooking or to make a Turkish dish, dh tried that years ago when dd was born and she'd just ignore him. She can't actually cook. She has a maid at home
I have learned to go off and do my own thing. It doesn't make me very happy though.

Lol about the maid- problem is that here, she has you and I don't blame you for feeling fed up for becoming the maid and getting treated as such.

Me and my husband decided we couldn't cope with his parents staying with us years ago, it makes for shorter and more expensive visits for them to stay in a hotel or B and B but it is much easier as they have their independence, time to themselves and you get time to recoup.

The person who needs to lay down the law though is still your husband. He is the one that should be saying, don't sit up here come downstairs and we'll have a nice meal/chat/watch TV or whatever. It is difficult for you to do this unless he takes the lead. He is responsible, I know you don't want to put on him as he is pressured by them, but if you want anything to change, he is the person with the power to do that (with your backing of course). If you say anything- he is essentially siding with them so you will feel more isolated. It is him who has to shift this- not every night, not always bringing them downstairs, just integrating them more.

If you just want a moan though, I get that too, my IL's aren't the easiest and it does sound like there is a cultural divide, even if some people in the house are bilingual (are the children? mine aren't and this is an ongoing issue as well).

Blimey they're a nightmare and you are going a great job and playing dutiful DIL.

Perhaps write a list of what DH could do to make it more bearable for you and discuss with him once they've gone? Use it as a discussion point of what is achievable type of thing.

Hairtoday thanks for the understanding. It's been good to vent!!

No worries, I am in a similar position, I find two weeks is my max when going to visit my IL's as I am often quite excluded, or rather I deliberately exclude myself from yet another long evening listening to people talk very quickly in a language I only partly understand and can't really join in.

I would have a chat with your husband, he must know it is difficult and it sounds like he might help a bit. I would insist on all meals eaten together, doing things together in the day, then them up in their room in the evening might be more acceptable. I still think he could ask them to sit downstairs though or open a bottle of wine and pour you all a glass, making it clear that this is where the family are going to be spending the evening.

Tbh it's hard to talk to friends and family in rl because they will always take my side. I don't really want that. I do want to vent but would also like people to play the devils advocate. Unfortunately sharing a bottle of wine won't work because they're quite religious. If I could do that I don't think there'd be any problem!! Going to pub quiz tomorrow with friends so that will improve my mood!!