to feel awkward in my own home?

[lem73]

My pils live abroad and visit two or three times a year. I don't want to go on and on about them because I appreciate relationships with in laws are not easy. However what I object to is the way they monopolise my dh and make me feel left out when they visit. When we're sitting in the living room or at dinner they will sit very closely to dh and either talk in a low voice so I can't hear or talk about stuff I couldn't possibly know about so I can't participate in the conversation. However what really drives me mad is that they actually spend most of the time in their bedroom and dh will go up and sit with them and they will often ask the kids to join them. This means I am sitting downstairs on my own a lot of the time when I'm not busy cooking or cleaning after them. I'm not sure if they sit upstairs to deliberately leave me out but the end result is I feel like a spare chair in my own house. Right now I'm sitting here alone while the kids are out and dh is upstairs with his parents. I'm fed up with it. They do make me feel like they're hear to see him not me. I get they miss their son but this is my home too! Am I being over sensitive?

Definitely agree with turning the heating off, but I'd keep the kitchen and living areas warm to encourage them staying in the communal areas.
I'd be more pissed of with your dh than the pils. YANBU

They are extremely rude to treat you this way. Your DH clearly knows this is neither normal or reasonable, or he would not have booked the spa day for you to 'recover'. However, both you and he are enabling their behaviour:

• DH by sitting up there with them instead of insisting they all come downstairs into the family areas of the house, & behave normally towards you;
• And you are, by continuing to put up with it, by catering to them, instead of addressing the issue with them/your DH. At the very least you should just stop providing meals etc for them. If they don't even have the decency to speak to you & treat you as their hostess (as opposed to the staff), then service should stop. Right now. And if DH calls you on it, tell him exactly why, & how they have made you feel - if he's any kind of man he should feel thoroughly ashamed.

Your Dh is allowing his parents to treat you the way they do - No amount of spa treats could make that up to me.
I understand it might be difficult for him to raise this with his parents but he really has to if they are to continue as guests in YOUR home.
Think about what it's showing your children - Mummy isn't important enough to include so lets all hide upstairs away from her
No fucking chance!
My husband would have the choice of A) Sorting it out or B) Hosting them his fucking self next time while I stayed in a Hotel/at your parents/sisters/friends.

Good luck op, I have a feeling you're going to need it with this.

The heck with the spa day! The last poster has it completely right when she says they are treating you like staff! They are so rude, and as DH colludes with it, he is just as rude!

I would tell him this. When they start doing rude things, like ignoring you at meals and huddle around speaking in low tones, I would jump right on it and tell them all they are being very rude. Treat yourself right!

How odd that they all retreat to the bedroom.

Do they all just sit on the bed together and talk? Or have you got a luxurious guest suite with sofas and chairs?

Actually I did once confront them. I've actually omitted a lot of the story to save time. During the day what they do is either go out shopping in the town centre or sit in the room. They tell dh where they're going but not me. So one day I got back from the school run to find they had left already. They hadn't even checked to see if I had a key!! They walked back in at about 3 and I said where have you been, I had no idea where you are etc. They said I was talking to them disrespectfully and I said well I don't feel very respected when no one tells me what's happening in my own house. I then said I feel you're trying to keep out of my way and I want you to feel comfortable here. You shouldn't be trying to avoid me etc. They were like oh no of course we're not. So for the rest of the trip they stuck around but the next visit they went straight back to their old ways. So they're not going to change and I have fucking given up.
Yes everyone is right. My dh should sit with me in the evening. I need to find a way to put it which is not asking him to change them but telling him I expect him to sit with me. Im just sick of confrontations. We have had some blazing rows about his parents over the years and some things have improved (no time to fill you in on all the details).
Yes they do complain about being bored. You should see the whiny emails they sent before this visit.They also complain they don't see enough of the kids yet refuse to attend school plays/assemblies/football matches and roll their eyes and pout when dh leaves them alone so he can go. One of the 'victories' I've had is that dh doesn't allow them to come in school holidays because they basically spoiled it for the kids by making them do stuff they didn't enjoy.
God this is a long post and that's me leaving out a lot of stuff!

Where do they live, are there huge cultural differences between their country and here (assuming you are in the UK) - the whole situation is just so bizarre. Is your DH an only child?

Do you get on with either of them better than the other, is it possible to say to one of them 'is anything wrong, you don't seem to like spending time in my company?'.

If they are bored then that is their problem. They are not toddlers who require to be amused. Perhaps the reason they are bored is because they are staying too long? How long are their visits? Do they have any old friends in the UK to visit or do they expect DH to dance to their tune whenever they are around?

Tbh I would confront them once again and ask why they behave so strangely. And suggest that if they feel so uncomfortable in your house/your company then they might feel happier in a hotel.

Or maybe it would be better if they stayed in their home abroad and you went over once a year on holiday?

Yes they're Turkish and we do visit them once a year. I get very bored but I don't bloody complain. I just bring some good books.
The kids don't really go along with this come and sit in the bedroom thing. Mil tries to bribe dd (6) with biscuits but after a while she goes looking for me. (Hah) My two dss are teenagers and can't be bothered. Fil tried to guilt trip ds1 on Wednesday about how little time he spent with them and ds just looked at him stony faced.
They only come for two weeks. No one of my close friends and family can understand why they stress my dh out by complaining about being bored. It's unbelievable.What gets me is refusing to come to school stuff and sports events. Most normal grandparents love that kind of thing.

And I'm not attempting to discuss things with them again. I tried to clear the air before.

If they want to sit on their arses in their room being bored I'd let them get on with it; that's their problem.

But I'd make damn sure I wouldn't be sitting on my own while DH panders to them.

You're his priority now, not his parents and he needs to make them realise that, and indeed realise that himself.

I think the time has come for you to have very strong words with him. Rowing with him is not the way, you need to be assertive and calm and refuse to back down.

Tell him how it makes you feel, and remember the cracked record method, just keep repeating how unhappy you are and how disrespected you feel until he gets the message.

They are rude. Your DH is also behaving badly.
Why don't you try taking a box of chocolates upstairs and nestling under the covers (in between them would be best) to join in the family chat?
Or, just go to the spa when they visit rather than afterwards.

Ugh that sounds hellish. You poor thing.
I would be so pissed off with DP in that situation.
Agree with everyone else - stop catering and entertaining. Completely.
Hope they are leaving soon.

My sils uses to do this when I firsr got married, it drove me nuts. They would order my dh to eat upstairs with them in their rooms. I would be sat downstairs eating my dinner alone. Totally nasty controlling behaviour. I have no advice to give you but just to say I sort of know what you are going through.

Well, they will be bored, won't they? There are a very limited number of things you can do in a bedroom. Especially with your son and grandchildren present.

Things change or the next time they visit you will be elsewhere for the duration. Husband can take time off work to cook, clean, mind the children as well as baby-sit his own parents 24/7

Bollocks to one poxy spa-day in return for being so blatantly insulted in your own home.

That's horrible! I'd be telling my DH the kind of behaviour I expect from him & wouldn't accept anything less.

What gets me is refusing to come to school stuff and sports events. Most normal grandparents love that kind of thing. Even my DM, who really doesn't like that kind of thing, fakes it. FIL doesn't fake it.

If your PIL actually cared about their son, they would fake interest for his sake. They seem to only care about themselves.

They wouldn't be welcome in my house im afraid.

Two weeks sounds like a week too long for everyone involved. It must be a real strain for you.

These in-laws sound totally fucking bonkers. Fruit cakes. Absolute loops with zero respect for hospitality. For goodness sake, and yours OP, show them the door. And if your ridiculous husband doesn't man up, point him in the same direction !

Frankly if they're that bored, why stay so long? come for a week, piss off back home before you have a chance to get bored, invest in Skype and stop being so fucking rude!

That makes total sense Thumbnuts. I don't understand how they think at all. They're actually staying for 17days 'to make it worth their while'. However I saw an email from mil asking him to find somewhere for them to visit because 'they get so bored when they visit'. Very confusing.

They sound very rude. Have you talked to your dh about it. You could pop up with tea, and tell them that they are very welcome to come downstairs as.