to feel awkward in my own home?

[lem73]

My pils live abroad and visit two or three times a year. I don't want to go on and on about them because I appreciate relationships with in laws are not easy. However what I object to is the way they monopolise my dh and make me feel left out when they visit. When we're sitting in the living room or at dinner they will sit very closely to dh and either talk in a low voice so I can't hear or talk about stuff I couldn't possibly know about so I can't participate in the conversation. However what really drives me mad is that they actually spend most of the time in their bedroom and dh will go up and sit with them and they will often ask the kids to join them. This means I am sitting downstairs on my own a lot of the time when I'm not busy cooking or cleaning after them. I'm not sure if they sit upstairs to deliberately leave me out but the end result is I feel like a spare chair in my own house. Right now I'm sitting here alone while the kids are out and dh is upstairs with his parents. I'm fed up with it. They do make me feel like they're hear to see him not me. I get they miss their son but this is my home too! Am I being over sensitive?

It's your DH you need to be annoyed with. They are being rude but he is being both rude & disrespectful to you.

The problem here is your DH facilitating this! You need to talk to him as it's utterly rude.

Very strange and very fucking rude. Please tell me you're not the mug cooking their meals while they stay?!?

I'd probably tackle it head on with all of them, but I'm very fairly blunt.

"You know, there's a perfectly functional and comfortable living space downstairs. I'll go out if you're uncomfortable in our home while I'm here".

I'd stop cooking. If they are so rude they want to keep out your way I certainly wouldn't go out of your way to be nice to them.

Weird as fuck.

WTF, tell your husband this is not acceptable.

Incredibly bloody rude and slightly unhinged. That's awful and of course you feel awkward and resentful.

Why are you doing all the work as well? They're DH's parents why is he not cooking for them as well?

And have they taken you all out for dinner at any point as a thank you for your hospitality?

They are treating you like staff and you need to remember that it is your home and you should not be made to feel like this in your own home.

As pps have said it's your DH that you need to take this up with. If that doesn't work then it sounds like you're going to have to woman up and tackle the PILs because if you let it continue it won't stop and it will just make you more and more resentful as the years go by and they continue to do it.

When talking to me my exh's mother used to refer to our home (exh's and my home) as his home, so she'd say to me things like, 'We're going over to Fred's house for dinner on Sunday' yes MIL I know, I'm doing all the shopping and then I'm doing all the sodding cooking for you in MY kitchen in MY house - never said it though I'm afraid.

I'm finding it hard to imagine this! Do they have mobility issues? Why do they stay in their bedroom?? Is it a big bedroom with lots of chairs in? Where does everyone sit? On the bed? Have you never asked your DH about this before? If not, why not?

This is very rude of them. If it was just the parents in law going upstairs to the bedroom, I'd assume they needed a rest from the family or a nap, but to end up with your DH and DC upstairs in the bedroom is so incredibly rude. The natural place to congregate is in the kitchen or living room and everyone can join in as these are communal living spaces. By going to their bedroom they know they are excluding you - who sits around in bedrooms apart from teenagers?

I'm not sure how I'd handle this situation personally. I know I'd feel very hurt. I think it's best to speak to your DH first.

No YANBU that's BS. I'm fine with visitors withdrawing to their rooms if they want a bit of alone time but having your DH and the kids in there too is just weird and rude towards you.

Is DH an only child by any chance? (I ask because I'm an only and my parents are/were a bit weird and insular with me)

How rude! This is not ok. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own house!

I know dh looks quite bad here but his parents put a lot of pressure on him when they come by complaining about being bored so I don't want to add to it. He does try to make it up to me. He's arranged for a pre Christmas spa day for me to recover when they leave and he often does things like that to make it up. He also more or less tells his parents to take us out for dinner to give me a break from cooking. I hate the way they guilt trip him. He's a great son and doing well in life so they should be proud and enjoy seeing him settled.
I'm just glad it's been confirmed to me that I'm not being over sensitive. It actually calms me down! Thanks.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Assertiveness is your friend OP

I'm sorry but making it up to you after the event isn't the right thing to do.
Not only are his parents incredibly rude to you in your own home, but now we learn that they complain about being bored?

If they're that bored tell him that everyone has to leave them alone in their room and they can make their own bloody entertainment.

I'm not confrontational but I'd have to speak with them and ask what the problem is. Regardless of what they came up with they'd know that it makes me feel excluded and uncomfortable.

There are some moments in life where a person has to chose whether to stand up for the partner they've chosen to be with. And this is one of them.

I think it is your DH who is being rude in enabling this sort of behaviour - what sort of grown adult goes and sits with his parents in their bedroom . If they are 'bored' can't he take them out somewhere - you don't necessarily need to tag along if it isn't something that interests you.

You need to sort this out with your DH - but also get yourself some interests or just go out and meet friends or have a coffee on your own if they are all this rude.

I've got an only DS and would hate to think I'll be like this when he is older.

(You always think you've heard everything on Mumsnet and then something new comes along ).

Really not clear on why you are doing the cooking and cleaning for them. I suspect your DH would find a back bone sooner if the costs of his parents vist fell on him instead of you.

Turn the electric off; that'll get the buggers downstairs!

He also more or less tells his parents to take us out for dinner to give me a break from cooking
How about he gives you a break by doing the cooking himself?

And it's not about him making it up to you after the event.....how about the next time his parents call him up to the room he says to them "no, Lem is downstairs on her own, it would be rude to stay up here and leave her alone down there". This is what I would expect.

oh...this is the giddy limit....

I'd go out and leave the fuckers to it and rip dh a new one

AND next time they come I'd go away from the second they arrived to the second they left. And I'd tell them why.

What on earth has "being bored" got to do with them corralling your entire family, minus you, in their bedroom? Are they playing Twister in there or something?
If your dh would only stand up for you in the first place, then there would be no need for him to make it up to you after they've gone. Apart from having to run a Little Chef for the duration. Which probably earns you a spa day I suppose. But I repeat, what has that got to do with their rudeness - that he is enabling.

I think Gatekeeper has come up with a great idea - if you have one of those circuit boards where you can easily flip a switch which turns the upstairs circuits off. I'm sure a few moments in darkness will have them all trundling down stairs.

repeat as necessary!

Of course this is not normal behaviour. It's also incredibly rude.

If you don't feel able to do the electricity thing, then I'd be calling DH downstairs at regular intervals. And making sure the DC remained downstairs. They are trying to make you feel like an outsider in your own home and I'm afraid your DH is not only letting them do this, but encouraging them by going and sitting with them as if this is normal behaviour.

He is being highly disrespectful to you - and a mingy spa day is not going to make any difference to your self-esteem when he is allowing this situation to continue and even worse, actively participating in it.

DH needs to act assertively - next time they cajole him upstairs, eh says "No, it's rude to leave Lem alone. I'm going downstairs to sit in a comfy chair. Are you coming?" As long as he lets them get away with this, they are just going to keep on trying to thrust you out.