To be afraid to leave the house with my hideously heaved dd

[Kab13]

She's 2 in feb. She's amazing in many ways, she loves people she knows and has many lovely traits.
But like every other child or human being she has some negative points!
She has the most explosive temper ever, the moment she thinks something isn't going her way she lashes out at anyone who's near her, including other children (even of they have nothing to do with what she's upset about) she hits, repeatedly and when you pick her up to remove her from the other children she slaps me in the fave with both hands whilst screaming and pulling herself to the floor.
The moment we go anywhere she does this on purpose for a reaction, attention seeking is normal I know but she is continuous!
Other mums are just starring at me thinking just what I thought before I had a child "she must be parenting wrong" I stay calm, I repeat myself when needed and watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn't lash out at another child but she managed it from time to time and the tantrum in the middle of the play area is sooooo embarrassing.
I just don't want to take her out anymore, she is horrible unless she is getting her way entirely or sat infront of fucking ice age which I HATE doing.
I want her to enjoy life, enjoy other children and various experiences but it's just not possible with her temper.
She won't do anything for more than 5 seconds and is impossible to entertain in the house.
Honestly, she's a brat.
I love her dearly but right now I hate being a mother.

Could I ask why the dr thinks autism might be a possibility what are the symptoms. Just my dd 22 months has tantrums all the time too I didn't think any more of it until now?

Hopefully someone else will come along who can phrase it better than me that a punishing approach viewing all behaviour as bad will just worsen situation here.

All the best OP

So overwhelmed. It's so hard to get her into a routine when her sleep varies. Nap is usually between 10-11 and bed between 6.45-7.30 but that's about all the "routine we have" other than dinner, bath, the gruffalo and bed. Which she responds very well to actually.
She just needs more sleep first; then maybe I can focus on the rest.
Thank you everyone for your detailed responses.
I'm going to try and introduce as much of your ideas as possible, especially regarding communication.

Wishful, it's not just tantrums.
There's a very long list of various things she does.
If tantrums is all that concerns you then I doubt it's autism etc. don't worry about toddler strops alone.

Just remember. .anxiety..lack of communication ability /understanding. .frustration at root of the undesirable behaviours I feel. Hopefully that is a starting point. good luck. I have been in exact same position with DD and now getting somewhere so there is hope

Thanks fanjo

If you can get an asd diagnosis you will be able to access early bird and other early intervention programmes. Ask paediatrician to refer to local choke development centre.

Choke ? Child !

The sleep adjustments may well take a couple of weeks for her to accept and to you changing her times etc for you to see a change in wake up times but it could make life a huge amount better for you both. It will be worth persevering on both sides.

Re time out, my DS didn't respond and got nothing but distress from it until his language started to improve around 2 and 3/4. That's not to say you shouldn't try a form of discipline or whatever, just a comment that we struggled with time out/naughty step until we had an improvement in language for him. Also I forced myself to stay really calm, almost monotone and he responded and calmed down quickly.

Everyone wants to help you, good luck.

I agree with pp re nap time. Early waking is usually related to an early nap time. I'd push it back to after lunch, at least 12.30

Re behaviour, ds can be verified challenging although understanding the naughty corner and rewards has certs helped recently.

I have very little shame. I'll bribe him with raisins and oaty bars and promises of cuddles and monsters Inc when we're finished. I'll also let him tantrum and talk through it... Most people have been there and it's often the fastest solution.

Positive reinforcement helps too. Lots of references to being a good girl.

This tantrum stage will probably improve as her communication improves so long as it doesn't get results, ie so long as tantrums don't mean she gets her own way.
I'd be prepared to remove her physically from situations the moment she kicks off and put her in a safe place- pushchair, cot, playpen where she can get over it, don't try and talk to her while she is having a tantrum as she won't be able to listen, then try to offer comfort when she is ready for a hug.
You will not be the first parent to walk out of a shop/ soft play/ toddler group with a screaming writhing child under your arm, or to restrain a screaming child to prevent her from hurting others. Anyone who judges you for it hasn't been there yet.

Try to work out what her triggers are- eg tired, hungry, crowds, etc, and whether there is a pattern you can change.
Tough times, but it will pass.
Good luck!

I was upset.
I don't think she's a monster, brat, horrible or hideous.
I was at breaking point and devastated.
Time out actually is the only thing that works when she hits. I only use it when she hits or head buts. She sits in a corner for 1 minute and calms herself. The removal of her gives her time to calm. I've tried distraction she becomes increasingly angered by my presence and hits me more.
I know I said she was a brat & her behaviour was horrible but I also made a point of saying she had many lovely traits, that it's a communication issue mainly & I just want her to be happy.
But in true mumsnet style this was missed and my few upsetting comments highlighted.
Thanks for advice anyway.
Everyone has various opinions, I'll see what works best for us both.

Don't be hard on yourself most of us reading understand your frustrations as you are seeing a horrible side to your DD who you love and want to help who is being brattish and badly behaved and horrible and you so want to help her . You sound as if you are a great Mum and quite rightly you came here to ask for help and advice.
Good Luck don't give up wishing you light at the end of the tunnel......

Lab this is all good news. You are already recognizing triggers, and learning how to deal with them.

Overstimulation, leading to aggression/ lashing out, and recognizing that attempts at distraction make the situation worse, so letting her retreat to a safe space to regroup. You are calling it time out, but it's time out in the purest sense, a release from stress, not a punishment. This technique is really common with kids who struggle with sensory overload/ overstimulation.

Well done - you might be harassed, knackered and feeling guilty, but you are doing really well.

Think of it as a safe space instead of time out, and use it as a de-stress technique when things are overwhelming.

Whether dd has ASD or not is largely academic. You can read up on techniques used with kids with asd, add etc and try them out - even with a diagnosis (whether this happens or not at a later point) you will be largely left to work it out yourself, so the more reading up and trial and error you can do, the better. If ds turns out to be 'just' a stroppy nt toddler, no harm done. No kid has ever been broken by parents using these techniques.

With kids with sn (or stroppy toddlers), it takes parents some time to work out effective strategies. And it is exhausting. But there are lots of parents in the same boat. Don't ever feel alone, and be kind to yourself xxx

'In true mumsnet style this was ignored'

No. I said obviously you love her. And I wasn't criticising but trying to help you deal with the behaviour as I had been there. I spoke with love and from the heart. Polter knew what I meant.

I have had this with my DD and got through it and wanted to help.

In true mumsnet style though offence was taken where none was intended and passive aggressive comments made designed to make me look like a bitch.

Even re timeout I agree it works when removing fom stimuli not in punishment sense but obviously that is taken as a criticism of your parenting skills.

I know its hard for you. Have been there. Sorry I tried to help and caused more upset. Next time I'll just do fluffy hand holding.

I truly wish you all the best with your wee Dd.

Rosa all of us reading understand her frustrations.

I am actually quite hurt at this.

But never mind. All the best

My point in nutshell was if you step back and view the behaviour merely as anxiety based it helps to find strategies to deal with it and so it will lessen. Anyway good luck.

Hey, my dd was very similar to this. When she had a tantrum we'd pick her up (peel her off the floor), and we didn't lift her to our shoulder height, she would be lifted to waist height horizontally to us, so she wouldn't whack us in the face. We too used time out. Lots of walking away from her but within sight of us, as there was no reasoning with her. We just let her explode.

When she'd refused to follow us, we didn't chase her, we went on our way with her within sight, she'd soon whinge and catch us up. If we were somewhere really busy, and she was playing up, not listening she'd get put in the buggy/shopping trolley.

We had to take dd for hearing tests. All was fine, but she had her adenoids removed for sleep problems, but we stooped fighting over her sleep issues, as we tried everything, and it was making us all very stressed out. In the end we just put her in her room to play, and she'd put herself to sleep.

Dds speech was slow on coming, she was almost mute. After taking her for tests (in Oz), nothing showed up, apart from she shoved a pea up her nose and gad to have it surgically removed

I did buy a book by Dr.Christopher Green about toddler tantrums, and took some points from there, as I'm not a believer in following everything a book tells me.

Do try getting help from your gp, as a just in case. Good luck

Ps kali in case you didn't know..my DD has severe autism. So i definitely understand :)

DD3 was difficult to the point where I didn't enjoy taking her anywhere, she threw tantrums, didn't communicate well, hurt her sisters, was destructive, would even look around for something to break when angry. I sometimes thought she was a brat when I was at a low ebb. I do feel for you OP, it's so difficult when you're worried about doing anything with your DC, because of course you want them to have all the experiences others do. It's hard on you, too, being so restricted.

It turned out DD3 had glue ear. She's lovely now. I do feel sad that I did much less with her when she was tiny than I did with my other DDs, but mostly I'm just relieved that her frustration is over.

Fanjo My comment was not aimed at you at all but to those who preferred to pick at her words used instead of offering support .....

Well I was the one accused of picking at her words so it was aimed at me really

Fanjo, I get entirely your point. Honestly I do. I'm sure you speak from a wealth of knowledge on this.
I woke at 2 worrying and spent the following hour crying about getting it "wrong" not because of your comments, just because I'm a worrier!
So logged into mumsnet to see another poster agreeing with what you said and I just felt like people were picking at my frustrated words, pointing out id called her a brat and horrible and I felt stupidly guilty for it, as it was just frustration.
I really get your point, about seeing her as a confused toddler who is anxious, this is how I need to view her but most of the time I do, just not yesterday, yesterday I had run out of "sad" and just felt angry with her, myself and life.
I grateful for all advice. I am.
Thanks