To be afraid to leave the house with my hideously heaved dd

[Kab13]

She's 2 in feb. She's amazing in many ways, she loves people she knows and has many lovely traits.
But like every other child or human being she has some negative points!
She has the most explosive temper ever, the moment she thinks something isn't going her way she lashes out at anyone who's near her, including other children (even of they have nothing to do with what she's upset about) she hits, repeatedly and when you pick her up to remove her from the other children she slaps me in the fave with both hands whilst screaming and pulling herself to the floor.
The moment we go anywhere she does this on purpose for a reaction, attention seeking is normal I know but she is continuous!
Other mums are just starring at me thinking just what I thought before I had a child "she must be parenting wrong" I stay calm, I repeat myself when needed and watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn't lash out at another child but she managed it from time to time and the tantrum in the middle of the play area is sooooo embarrassing.
I just don't want to take her out anymore, she is horrible unless she is getting her way entirely or sat infront of fucking ice age which I HATE doing.
I want her to enjoy life, enjoy other children and various experiences but it's just not possible with her temper.
She won't do anything for more than 5 seconds and is impossible to entertain in the house.
Honestly, she's a brat.
I love her dearly but right now I hate being a mother.

I have already and he told me to go and see my private consultant who then wrote a letter regarding her own opinion that dd has autism and sensory issues. She said she needs to be assessed etc.
I'm going to ring my doctor again tomorrow and ask what's going in.
She doesn't snore, no.
She sleeps okay through the night, usually wakes once but goes straight back to sleep. But it's taken a lot of work to get there. A few months back she was up 6 times a night with me sleeping next to her cot on the floor.
I don't think it's the cold, sometimes at 12 ish she's kicked her blanket off and wakes but goes back once you tuck her in. At 5am she's stood up either babbling or crying. Trying to get her back is impossible

That does sound incredibly tough OP. I'd push for a hearing test to at least get that ruled out - inability to communicate can make children that age absolutely furious. And you can do basic hearing tests yourself - using rattling and squeaking toys behind her to see if she turns round - they're not a substitute for a professional assessment but it might help if it's a long wait.

You don't necessarily have to be able to communicate to learn cause and effect though - some kind of consistent behavioural approach where quieter behaviour gets good things and hitting gets bad things is probably the way to go but I know that's not as easy as it sounds.

Very best of luck.

• when I said "hitting gets bad things" that normally means immediate removal of the good things rather than actual punishment.

It sucks. DD has tantrums when not stimulated during the day. We have decided to move her back to group care in January. DS is 21 months and shows a few signs of autism. He isn't autistic, just not stimulated during the week.

I have found it helpful to switch off the television. I'm in the U.S. and we have an early intervention team that are involved. They have been brilliant at guiding me and getting the specialists lined up. I would be speaking with your GP and getting help.

With my kids I was advised to assume they are deaf until told otherwise. That meant giving simple, clear instructions using sign language. What helped was cutting down the number of words that I was using.

Activity wise I continue to give the kids activities to do on a thirty minute schedule. It helps keep a routine which I find gives the kids a greater sense of security. DS is sensitive to touch and he has done very well with finger painting.

I am not looking forward to the tantrum phase.

But for starters, don't be embarrassed about it. Toddlers happen. You stressing could be making her stress and lash out more, even if there is an underlying SN stress will make it worse.

Take her out to your normal routine, and if she throws a tantrum, let her. They can't go on forever. It may feel like it, but they do tire themselves out. Don't let her limit where you go.

I have a family member that threw 2 hour tantrums as a child. She grew up to be happy and well adjusted.

She could be a sensitive child, she could have special needs, she could just be unintentionally getting rewarded by your attention. In the mean time, take a breath, figure out what her limits are, and try to keep some level of normalcy for both your sakes.

Sorry, but Sometimes she just flings weasels around for "no reason"

made me roll up.Think we've all been there. Probably have the Weasel Protection League knocking on my door now.

I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to say I am in the same situation. My son is two in January and we are getting an autism assessment for him at the moment. He has no language or communication and some serious temper tantrums. He has other signs of autism, a whole list of signs which I can go through with you if you would like but the only thing that can really help is speaking to a paediatrician.

The one thing I can say that might be helpful is my older son is autistic and I have done it all with him, the aggression, the not being able to do normal things and feeling like crap about it all. He is now just started at a special school and is doing so well. He speaks (pretty much all echolalia but still) and he is happy. His school say how well he is going and the violent behaviour has decreased so much. Strangers comment on how well behaved he is.

So although things are bad now doesn't mean it will always be this way and it is certainly not your fault. Remember when you feel everyone looking at you, a lot of them are thankful it wasn't their child this time and others are feeling nothing but sympathy because they have been there.

Do you have a portage scheme in your area. Portage is an amazing home based program where a specially trained worker comes into your house and will work with your child on individual goals. My middle son was very similar to how you describe your daughter and he had portage and it changed our lives. Also Early Bird program? An amazing scheme if you can get on one and lastly the charity Home start, for practical and fantastic support.

For what its worth I had the same dilemma as you about the toddler groups and whether I was giving up by not going. But it was honestly the best decision it saved the heartache, upset and stress of feeling like a failure as a parent and removed the distress for my son. After a year and some intensive support we gradually reintroduced situations that my son found difficult in a way that he could cope.

He has High functioning Autism but has a high IQ and is succeeding in mainstream, all this from a boy at 3yrs was largely non verbal and couldn't cope with leaving the house or even Grandparents talking to him.

Thank you for your help everyone.
I do have a local portage scheme, I am going to contact them tomorrow I think, what do I say? She doesn't have a diagnoses yet? Do I contact them directly? Or through gp?
Thanks for that, I've never heard of it before and really want to be something proactive whilst we wait for a diagnoses if any.
It's good to hear that I'm not the only person struggling with this and that avoiding toddler groups etc is actually what's best for her for now, whilst she seemingly struggles with them.
The doctor said she had very advanced motor skills and lots of very good skills that many children she sees lacks but I'm not sure if she was just trying to make us feel a little less depressed about it.
I just want her to be happy.

I don't think you should think of her as "bad" " terrible" a "brat" or a 'monster" as you have been saying.

For one she is only 2...and if she does have ASD her behaviour when outside will.more than likely be down to some kind of sensory discomfort or anxiety rather than attention seeking.

Please try to think more kindly of her..

Obviously you love her but really it will help to view the behaviour in terms of anxiety rather than naughtiness, whether she has ASD or not

I really don't remember referring to my daughter as a "monster".
I could go on to defend myself for the "brat" comments etc but I'm his too exhausted.
Get what you're saying, I tell myself shortly after getting upset about her behaviour that I'm being unreasonable and feel terrible for it. Probably 10 times a day.

In fact, I didn't call her bad or terrible either.
The "brat" comment was purely frustration because I'd just had to carry her our of a soft play area for hitting other children repeatedly whilst she hit me in the face whilst screaming at the top of her lungs and had 20 mums staring at me. Only 1 mother helped me hold her down so I could get her in her buggy. It was probably one of the most saddening moments of my life.

Could you gradually move the nap to midday for an hour ? And bedtime to 7.30?

Sorry ..you called her "horrible " a "brat" and "hideously behaved ". I am not saying this to have a go...really am not.

It will really help you to look at the reasons for the behaviour differently.

I am almost certain she isn't motivated by being bratty.

I know it is totally hard for you..believe me..especially in public.

Can try. Managed 11 yesterday. Seems to wake at 5 regardless of bedtime with the occasional 6am wake up.
Bliss

It sounds hard but whilst you're waiting for a hearing test can you rethink how you do things. Don't talk if she isn't looking at you. Use facial expressions.
A nice game for staying in is to sit facing each other and pull different expressions, get her to copy you and you to copy her. It's simple communication without words, don't be afraid to giggle and laugh over it. You're her mum, she wants your love and approval and to feel safe. This game teaches facial expressions for emotions and to read each other.
Once you can do this (you may need to play for several days) bring in hand gestures- such as a hand holding imaginary food and taking a bite to signify hunger &/or mealtimes. A hand holding an imaginary drink for thirst.
For road safety - make a make believe road and mime what could happen if you step onto a road, let it be fun and a game, use a doll that won't hold a hand and runs off.
Once your dd starts to respond to facial expressions (if it is her hearing) you will find that she develops other communication that you come to understand (my ds was selective mute at 2yrs and had hundreds of hand gestures so he could hold conversations. He's overcome it now though, but it's taken 3 yrs).
Pick your coats and shoes up and carry them to the door. Take her to the door. Make sure she is facing you and say with a smile 'time to get our coats on' - even if she can't hear you she will be learning to lip read and your smile will tell her she's safe and you're not cross or angry. Put your own coat and shoes on so she can begin to process what is happening/going to happen. The same thing in a morning and evening - lay out her clothes, take her into her room and make sure you are facing her when you say what is going to happen.
I hope this helps, you may have to rethink some automatic behaviours to start communicating (again, if it is hearing issues).
When she is out, look at her and smile if everything is ok. Shake your head and look stern if not. She's young and she needs you.

No need to defend self or feel guilty. I am speaking out of kindness and have been there

Op that sounds like a real nightmare

My dd 21 months hit me and tried to bite me in the face today when I tried to change her nappy for the 8th time, that made me very sad indeed, when. Got the nappy off eventually she started crying and I realised she was probably hitting out because it was so sore, but she couldn't express that, so now I feel both shattered and guilty

I'd start by seeing if she responds to routine and being prepared in advance for changes. And when she kicks off look to see if there is something in environment which could be stressing her.

Give the woman a break Fanjo - hardly the time to kick someone whilst she is down

Been there OP and felt the same... more than once. It how you act to her that is important

I also don't think time out works if there is limited understanding..and not just saying this off own bat..am working with behavioural consultant at moment with DD.

Gentle distraction far more effective than time out if the understanding isn't there.

Doris I am not kicking her. I am trying to help her deal with her DD more effectively. I said I wasn't having a go and I wasn't.

I do slightly know what am talking about.

If she views the behaviour differently and reacts to it differently it will pay dividends

Anyway I could advise loads but I see I am being taken the wrong way so won't waste breath.