To be afraid to leave the house with my hideously heaved dd

[Kab13]

She's 2 in feb. She's amazing in many ways, she loves people she knows and has many lovely traits.
But like every other child or human being she has some negative points!
She has the most explosive temper ever, the moment she thinks something isn't going her way she lashes out at anyone who's near her, including other children (even of they have nothing to do with what she's upset about) she hits, repeatedly and when you pick her up to remove her from the other children she slaps me in the fave with both hands whilst screaming and pulling herself to the floor.
The moment we go anywhere she does this on purpose for a reaction, attention seeking is normal I know but she is continuous!
Other mums are just starring at me thinking just what I thought before I had a child "she must be parenting wrong" I stay calm, I repeat myself when needed and watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn't lash out at another child but she managed it from time to time and the tantrum in the middle of the play area is sooooo embarrassing.
I just don't want to take her out anymore, she is horrible unless she is getting her way entirely or sat infront of fucking ice age which I HATE doing.
I want her to enjoy life, enjoy other children and various experiences but it's just not possible with her temper.
She won't do anything for more than 5 seconds and is impossible to entertain in the house.
Honestly, she's a brat.
I love her dearly but right now I hate being a mother.

[Branleuse]

if she is veing tested for autism, what stage of that are younat. Is there any way of asking that to be hurried along. Tell them youre really struggling to manage her behaviour

[IsItMeOr]

Oh Kab there have been times when I could have written your posts. DS was diagnosed with ASD this year, at 5.6yo.

It's very hard to feel that way about your obviously much-loved child, and there's a huge taboo about talking about it.

What's clear is that there is some information which you are missing which could help you better understand what is going on.

So the first thing - which you are clearly already trying hard to do - is to get the referrals for assessments and checks sorted. In our area, we have a specialist health visitor for children with complex needs. They could be an ally for helping you to navigate the system, if they exist in your area.

My (embarrassing) tip is that it seemed to be much more effective to pick up the phone and sob at professionals than to send them perfectly reasoned emails. It seems to help them understand the urgency if they know that you are having a "mummy meltdown" (got that t-shirt...).

The other first thing is surviving while you wait for this additional information to become available to you. While all children need firm boundaries, the big secret that professionals never seem to tell us is that punishment doesn't really work for any child.

So, if you can, try out the tips and techniques that are mentioned on the special needs board. At that age, we had no thought of special needs, but we found the Playful Parenting book helpful for ideas on how to engage DS in doing what we needed him to do. We also started with a visual calendar.

The aim is to make things as easy as possible for you all. So only do things that you can manage, arrange stuff to make life easier for you, and try to notice triggers and likes/dislikes in your DD and work with them.

Definitely I would say let her go with her grandparents if they are happy with this. Take any breaks you can get. This is exhausting, and your DD needs you to be able to keep going.

If you can afford to see the private consultant again, could they recommend some techniques you could start trying with your DD?

Good luck, and hope things get a bit better for you soon .

[Artandco]

I would try reducing too much stimuli and upping exercise.
Mine haven't autism but when small even small things could overstimulate them. Ie I used a pram that was parent facing, when out if too many people/ they had enough they would pull hood down so side people blocked out and only saw us, they hated facing forwards in crowds.

I would focus on sleep first. Try and get out each morning but just a local walk in park/ let her fill bucket with leaves. Try and stretch nap to midday onwards. Then after nap when rested use that time to socialise. Does she like swimming? Handy as can add floats and they can't escape as quick

[saintlyjimjams]

Whether ir not she has autism you said she doesn't understand sentences etc. So, autism or not, she has a communication problem. This will be what is causing the rages & tantrums & extreme behaviours. It doesn't matter why (language delay, late developer, autism, glue ear, whatever) - if you can't communicate easily it often makes you cross.

So this means you can immediately ignore the lemon suckers - if people are snotty about her behavuour they have no right to be - they are only entitled to an opinion if they've raised a similar child (in which case they won't be judging as they'll know what it's like).

The assessment process can take an age but there's nothing to stop you trying things like signing (the Makaton Dave nursery rhymes DVD is brilliant for learning Makaton) - anything that improves get communication will helpher behaviour.

And she's really not a brat, she's just struggling to be understood. If she's being assessed for autism it might be worth thinking whether she has any sensory processing issuers - she may find busy places, bright lights etc overwhelming but might be calmed by swinging or swimming.

Good luck!

[Angelwings11]

I haven't read through all the replies, so hope I am not repeating something that PP may have said already. You mentioned, that she doesn't understand some/all instructions and she is being assessed.

It may help to simplify instructions even more, by saying what you want her to do as opposed to what you don't want her to do. Children this age (my own dd is three) tend to only here the last few words you say. For instance, instead of saying 'stop running' try just saying 'walk'? I was given this advice by a speech and language threapist, when I was concerned about my DD's speech (she was just two).

[Impala77]

None of us should feel embarrassed about struggling sometimes, being a parent is a bloody hard job and it's 24/7. The great thing about mumsnet is we are all here to help and advise (if we can) or just sympathise. If your dd doesn't respond to her name it could be hearing. Or just plain old "I don't want to look at you" sometimes my dd chooses not to hear me.

[Kab13]

She uses to love swimming she now hates it. Doesn't understand why she can't launch herself in at the deep end with no floats and do her own thing.
Might try it again soon, but not something I feel confident enough to do without dp.
I know I need to work on her
Communication...well my communication so she can't understand me. I'm hoping that portage will offer me some professional advice. We are about to move, after we do we are going back up to the Portland to see the dr there. She has some parenting classes she thinks will help us etc all of which are in London. Bit of a dreck but worth it.
Trying to communicate with a child that doesn't hear/understand you OR look at you most of the time ESPECIALLY when upset is soooooo tough.

[IsItMeOr]

Saintly your "lemon suckers" comment gave me a smile - so apt!

Also, I second Angelwings on the simple positive language. So try to find a way of giving instructions that is telling her what you want her to do, rather than what you don't want her to do. For DS, this would be something like a calm "4 on the floor" instead of an exasperated "will you stop swinging on your chair?".

Pick your battles - only try to work on a couple of things at a time, and make a plan to let the other things go until later on.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

My DD didn't look at me or hear me until she was about 5. Now she is super affectionate so don't give up..it is a hard age

[steppemum]

hi op, you have my huge sympathy as it is so exhausting dealing with this day by day.
My friends son has ASD and she makes this point about tantrums which I think is helpful:

an ASD tantrum is not the child being naughty or cross with not getting their own way etc as it might be in a non ASD child. An ASD tantrum is like a panic attack, it is rooted in anxiety, often because their sensory limits have been overwhelmed. The way to deal with it is therefore different. A panic attack needs reassurance and calming down, removing from the stimulation and reduction of the moment while a tantrum needs restating of clear boundaries.

Don't know if that helps with dealing with it at all.

With her son she needed to reduce her words to very simple clear phrases, get his attention first and be face to face, and she signed along with her speech which worked really well. He picked up the signs very quickly, but was non verbal until he was 4.

[saintlyjimjams]

Yes agree about simplifying language and saying what to do rather than what not to do.

I find 'sit down' helpful in all sorts of meltdown type situations!

isitme - glad you smiled, I have spent many years ignoring the lemon suckers and now have it down to fine art ;)

[Aeroflotgirl]

Dd used to save her worse behaviour for health professionals, paedritrician, school, speech therapist. So we got the help pretty quickly

[Daydreamersea]

Actually totally forgotten my DD at that age used to have terrible tantrums I would just let her roll around the floor till she wore herself out.

I then got so bored of my own voice I decided a different tactic of holding her tightly and smothering her in kisses. After a few bashes and bops and she did actually calm down and I felt much happier as opposed to frustrated towards her. Not saying it will work and took a fair few goes but worth a try.

[Daydreamersea]

Bashes and bops from DD to me I hasten to add

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Sit is a good one. I also use "no out" often.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Poor DD is like a wee puppy. I need to take charge and give her short sharp orders..I also bribe her a bit with choc and she goes.for run on beach every night. It works though.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Just had a thought. If you find something that soothes her...with DD it's singing and also looking at a shoehorn. .maybe the bike clips would work..do it and use it often.

[steppemum]

daydreams - as I understand it kids with sensory issues sometimes find it very calming to be held very tightly, but others find it adds to their overstimulation

[steppemum]

sorry, that sounded like I was criticizing you dreams, I didn't intend too, just commenting on your comment!

[Fairywhitebear]

Does she go to nursery at all? What do they say?

I think tantrums are part and parcel of this age (DD just about to turn 2) but she does sound as though they are some extra things going on.

Has she had her 2 yr assessment yet?

[Kab13]

I might take some clips with me out for when she gets upset.
She doesn't go to nursery no. It's been recommended by dr though. So maybe soon.
She isn't two yet so hasn't had 2 year assessment.

[Kab13]

She's exhausted. Nap number 2, not going so well! :(

[kyz1981]

Not sure I can help much but your DD sounds very much like my DS at that age, He had no receptive language and that was the hardest time for us.

One of the things that helped is to say your DD's name before you ask her to do anything, so DD Sit down, and use sign and basic pictures to help.

One thing we did whist we were in the assessment stage was to get DS assessed by an Sensory integration train OT which helped us feel like we were doing something and offered some insight in to Our DS, Waiting is horrible and ourr SALT did not kick in until DS was 3.

My Ds was non-verbal until 3 1/2 but now has some copied speech and has come on leaps and bounds, try and keep a simple routine and language and focus on re-direction rather than telling what not to do. TBH his obsession with In the Night Garden got him to speak, everyone was telling us to stop TV but in actual fact he learns through that and his Ipad.

He was diagnosed with ASD and Receptive and Expressive language disorder just before his 3rd birthday.