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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about older girls asking my 5YO DS to show his 'wildly'

52 replies

mimrammum · 25/11/2014 01:04

I probably am. But maybe not. I've just felt very unsettled since I picked up DS from school and he told me that a group of the older girls had asked him and his friends to do a 'willy challenge' where they all show off their penises. In exchange for sweets.
I've obviously had a long chat with him about how his private parts are private, but I'm not sure if I should say anything to his teacher about it all.
First (and only) child so I don't want to be precious or anything. And I know this sort of thing would probably happen at some point. But he's literally just turned 5.
AIBU to worry/be concerned beyond making sure that he knows to keep it in his pants? I don't want to get the older girls in trouble as they're probably just being silly. And if I'm honest, I also don't want them picking on my DS if they find out he's told me/I've told the teachers, as he told me last week they were being 'mean' to him and his friends in the playground.
Oh, sorry, but I don't know what to do/think. DS has only been at school a few weeks! Any help would be gratefully received - even if it's to tell me to get a grip!

OP posts:

JamaicanMeCrazy · 25/11/2014 01:07

No that is absolutely something I would mention to the school. It is a safeguarding issue. Also if your son is getting bullied that is also something to raise with his teacher.

poor boy

however · 25/11/2014 01:08

I don't think you need a grip. I think the teachers need to be told, and the girls should be hauled over the coals.

I'm sure they're not perverts in the making, but that doesn't mean they don't need a bollocking.

notgivenupyet · 25/11/2014 01:14

Definitely 100% report to school. Its highly inappropriate at best and at worst could be a symptom of sexual abuse manifesting itself in the way the girls behaved. My concern is the girl could be being groomed herself? Showing genitalia in exchange for sweets isn't behaviour that I have come across with my three children and their school experience. It is a red flag and doesn't sound like normal childhood curiosity to me. I hope this is not the case, but the school need to know so they can investigate further.

Bulbasaur · 25/11/2014 01:22

Children asked your 5 year old son to show them his penis... and you're wondering if you should be concerned?

They're obviously not preying on him or grooming him like an adult would.

But it is inappropriate behavior where they need to be talked to about 1. where they learned this was ok to do, and 2. not to do it. At best it's a new version of playing doctor. At worst, one of these girls could be being abused and unaware that this sort of behavior is wrong.

kawliga · 25/11/2014 01:25

a group of the older girls had asked him and his friends to do a 'willy challenge' where they all show off their penises. In exchange for sweets

This is not normal. Report the girls - they need help too and nobody will help them if it is not reported. You are not getting them in trouble, you are highlighting that they need help. I feel sorry for your DS being exposed to this at school at age 5 but also feel sorry for those girls

ItsaboatJack · 25/11/2014 01:26

Absolutely tell the school. If it was older boys doing this to a younger girl would you have any hesitation in telling the school then?

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 25/11/2014 02:09

I think this sounds quite odd especially the challenge bit and in exchange for sweets. Almost comes across like an 18-30s challenge in exchange for shots!

I remember doing a show me yours and I'll show you mine with my male best friend- we were about six and both only children so had never seen the opposite sexes bits- but this sound really different.

Really don't like that it was a group going up to a younger child. The teacher definitely needs telling.

GarlicNovember · 25/11/2014 03:52

I strongly agree with notgivenupyet. As well as raising the bullying & boundary issue with the school, I would mention this in case they're a bit dense wrt safeguarding.

CaramellaDeVille · 25/11/2014 05:20

My little boy has just started reception. If this happened to him I'd be mortified and would report to the safeguarding officer immediately.

Limepickleandyoghurtontoast · 25/11/2014 05:56

this is totally not ok, Id be really worried about such small boys being bullied and targeted like this, it has by the sound of it been going on in some form or other for at least a week or so with the girls coming back to the same group of boys a few times.sometimes older children can be v cruel to younger ones. in my childrens school the school yards are separated so the youngest class plays in one area, the next two in a different area etc, they're not allowed to play with children from a different year in yard. im presuming the supervising teacher in yard when this happened just didnt see, was busy with others etc, which is understandable but thats not adequate supervision at all. I would really get onto this, even consider keeping him off if you can till they sort out their yard supervision, talk to the girls and their parents, the head needs to know and make sure all the teachers are aware to keep an eye when they are on yard duty.You could talk to your sons friends parents but i wouldn't delay getting on to the school about it while you wait to see what they think. your son will likely forget it and it will blow over if you put a stop to it quickly, but otherwise he could just be put off school by it or think that is normal schoolyard behaviour, so i would tell him clearly 'those girls are very naughty' and encourage him to tell the teacher himself if he feels bullied. with the worry that you will make things worse and the girls will pick on him in the future- well hopefully they will be warned off and if you should see them while you;re with your son at school, you should give them a 'look' to keep them at bay. i know its probably just thoughtless nonsense from the girls but its not ok at all.

AuntieStella · 25/11/2014 06:36

What age are the "older" girls?

Yes, I think you need to tell the school. They must consider it seriously. From info so far it could be anything from an outbreak of silliness amongst a group of 6yos, to something from 11yos with known issues.

Underlying question for you OP is whether you trust the school to assess it properly then act appropriately.

scrimper · 25/11/2014 07:38

yes tell the school about it and also about other things that upset him.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2014 07:43

Just going to say tgat at that age, the ill show me yours if you show me mine used to be at school, now it woukd not be appropriate. Just read they are older girls, enticing him with seets. Sounds in aporopriate and abusive tbh. Yes tell the teacher and if nothing done, head teacher.

crumblebumblebee · 25/11/2014 09:16

Of course you need to tell the school!

TheGonnagle · 25/11/2014 09:20

Definitely a safeguarding issue, report it in writing to your DMS. You can ask the secretary who is responsible for safeguarding. I would email it as you can get everything down calmly. They will probably ask you to go in and talk to them.

QueenofallIsee · 25/11/2014 10:46

For Christ's sake, tell the school! Older children offering sweets in exchange for a younger child performing a humiliating act? OK so your son may not have understood that but the older children will have. Protect him and them, they need to know that this is wrong and your son needs to be safe.

moshwuckler · 25/11/2014 11:07

Oy vey. Very concerning.

EmmaGellerGreen · 25/11/2014 11:11

You really do need to talk to the school. This is neither normal nor acceptable. It is also unacceptable for older girls to be "mean" to other children. I would be both concerned and angry.

RiverTam · 25/11/2014 11:15

sounds like this could be suggestive of some kind of abuse or grooming going on in the lives of some, if not all, of these girls. Absolutely tell the school. Good god, if DD came home saying that boys had asked to see her bits in return for sweets I would be thinking of calling SS or the police, let alone telling the bloody school!

GahBuggerit · 25/11/2014 12:19

WTF?

Report to the school OP. Very concerning.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2014 13:28

It could be suggestive of abuse, yet it could be kids being silly and egging a child on. When we were 7/8 we egged a boy to pull his pant down in the playground which he did, I am about my behaviour, no abuse in my home. But it is bullying, and inappropriate, and yes teacher and HT should know about it, and monitor this. Yes keep telling your ds, that his pants area is private and not to show anybody who asks, unless you are with him at the Drs for example.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 25/11/2014 13:34

At our school it would be taken very very seriously.

You would be failing in your duty as am adult and a parent if you ignored this.

I would also be concerned that this behaviour if going on without any adult being aware. What is the supervision like? What supervision is happening at play/break times? It sounds very lax.

If the school don't immediately investigate this I would he pulling my child out if there and contacting the governors and local
Authority.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/11/2014 13:37

If it happens again, encourage him to tell an adult immediately. In my case at school it was not sexual, we were being utter prats and were quite rightly reprimanded by the teacher.

lucycoco · 25/11/2014 13:42

I think the 'sinisterness' (not a word) depends a lot on how much older the older girls are. I remember the younger years of primary school involving lots of 'showing bits' to each other, obviously based on nothing more than curiosity because we were tiny children!

But that's not to say that it can't tip over into bullying which shouldn't be tolerated whichever form it comes up in.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 25/11/2014 13:45

Yeah but my point also is where are the adults when the children are showing bits and egging each other on? There should be no quiet places in schools where this could happen.

The supervision sounds dodgy.

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