to ask for your help drafting an email to MIL?

[newpaddingtonscaresme]

Back story is, we moved here from my home country 4 years ago. We live in a different city to my inlaws, mil and stepfather in law, a plane ride or about 10 hours drive away. We see them for a week about 4 times a year.

We have been to them for Christmas twice and they have been to us once.

Last time they came to us was two years ago. From my point of view it was a disaster. I thought they basically felt they were hosting Christmas in my house and I was the guest.

When they arrived they started bringing bags and bags of groceries in, we hadn't asked them to pick anything up and we had already done the grocery shopping. MIL started telling me what we were going to have for Christmas dinner. I said we'd already decided.

They then went back out to the car and into our bedroom, they were in there deciding where to put a new rug they'd brought down....without asking us. They also put rugs & carpets in other area of the house and put away utensils and some other little things they'd bought for our house.

They then proceeded to put up decorations they'd brought down.

They also bought our son presents from them and Santa after we told them Santa presents were only to come from us.

To me, they just walked around and pissed in every corner marking their territory.

My husband was at work at the time and to my shame I didn't say anything, I was stunned at the cheek of them and have been brought up to be polite so felt I'd be rude to say anything. Truthfully, I was a coward as I hate confrontation.

They stayed for two weeks and I was just full of pent up silent resentment and passive aggressive.

We had just moved to the area and I didn't know anyone to escape to have a drink or vent to.

One day I came home and all the pots and pans had been re-arranged and moved to a different cupboard.

My husband didn't get why I was in such a bad mood and catered to their every whim to make up for it.

My husband's defense of all this was:

the food and expectation that they'd dictate what we'd have - well, when he was growing up, his grandmother would come and do that, they didn't want us to spend any extra money on them.

the rugs etc - well, we were just starting out in a new house and they wanted to help us out, rented houses here don't come furnished so they wanted to save us money.

the decorations - well, some of them were from his childhood and since we hadn't spent Christmas with them in so long his mom just got overexcited. (We'd spent the previous Christmas with them)

He says his mom loves us and really wants to be involved and is only ever trying to help.

I already have some issues with his mom and her steeping over boundaries i.e doing something with ds that I've asked not to. Things have gotten better of late, I've stood up for myself more and they've backed off a bit.

DH doesn't think they ever do anything wrong, they're only ever guilty of being over-enthusiastic and I'm too quick to think the worst of them.

Another element to this is, whenever they come, they sit and badmouth every single other person in the family. They reserve most of it for DH's brother, who hasn't been to visit them since they married and moved here 20 years ago.

Soooo, thanks for getting this far. They're coming for two weeks again this year, I'll be 33 weeks pregnant and it's our first Christmas in a house we built.

I'm determined to make this one better...for everyone but it will involve me having to woman up and say what I want instead of hoping they get it and then getting pissed off when they don't.

I'm in an email exchange with MIL at the moment about presents and feel it's my chance to kindly set some boundaries. They've already told us, not asked, when they're coming regardless of any plans we may have and I'm already feeling unreasonably angry about this. I think two weeks is too long. DH of course has said that's all fine, whatever they want is good with us.

They moved DH from his home country, away from his dad and brother, to here when he was 15 and then when he was 18 moved back to the home country while he stayed here before he moved to UK where he met me and stayed for a few years. They moved back here while DH was in UK. Up until 4 years ago they had lived in different countries for 15 years.

I basically want to say, we're looking forward to seeing you, please don't feel you have to bring anything down apart from presents, with the pregnancy we want to have a relaxed few weeks and we are look own family traditions in the new house.....but I want to be a bit more assertive.

Sorry for the long post, I'm quite irritable with this pregnancy and every email I start to them comes across confrontational. They do love ds and are very good grandparents.

Thanks if you've got this far!

it's about finding middle ground and as blu says, picking your battles.

Someone else swooping into your house and redecorating/rearranging can feel incredibly disimpowering however well-meant it is. My mum comes into my house and cleans my kitchen because it doesn't meet her exacting standards. She means well but even with that it can feel overwhelming and as if I am failing somehow so I do get what that's like.

But it's also important to try and recognise the difference between what is genuinely intrusive and rude and what is just a difference of opinion and not that important in the scheme of things.

Bringing food would be polite in the scheme of things, but wanting to change menu plans is inforcing their own rules. similarly bringing their own rugs and decorations and rather than presenting the op with them going about redecorating the house.

But I really don't get the issue with santa presents. This really is just a difference of view, what's wrong with presents being from santa? someone enlighten me, because in this regard I do think the op is being unnecessarily petty.

I understand the op wanting her own ornaments.Not unreasonable.

We have antique German hand blown glass baubles,collected over 3 generations.

My daughter in laws and daughters do not want them as they are collecting their own lovely stylish tree ornaments.(they are a pain to look after as well.)

Luckily we know and love two young gay men who will inherit these soon as they love them and know their intrinsic value.Makes the ancestors very happy that they will stay as a collection and not be shared out.

No hard feelings all round.

Watch out for the valuation day on antiques roadshow when we are pushing up daisies!

Two weeks sounds like my idea of hell, even if they were absolutely lovely.

When they are there, I would be making the most of my pregnancy hormones and releasing the rage as and when it occurs - don't repress it even for small things. It's better for you than bottling it up and it might get a few points across... Although they might try to put it all down to the hormones, you can say later 'well, perhaps I was overly upset due to being heavily pregnant, but the reasons behind it are actually 100% valid. I didn't like when you did xyz and would rather you didn't as it will upset me again and it's not good for me and the baby to be upset, especially when it's totally avoidable.'

I'd also emphasise the point about this being your first Christmas in your new home, how you are so looking forward to creating your own traditions and although input is welcome, you and DH have already decided lots of things. And then respond to any questions with 'no, DH and I already decided on that.'

And I'd not be running about after anyone. If someone fancies a cuppa, your response is 'ooh, that sounds lovely, I (or the baby and I, if you need to push the point home) could do with being looked after for a bit' and plonk your arse down and look expectant.

Finally, either get your DH to speak to them, in front of you, or speak to them in front of him, so later there can be no comeback on who said what or misunderstandings. If all else fails... go out. Anywhere.

Good luck!

"But it's also important to try and recognise the difference between what is genuinely intrusive and rude and what is just a difference of opinion and not that important in the scheme of things. "

Personally, I think expressing a "difference of opinion" in how someone else furnishes their home or organises their kitchen is automatically rude and intrusive.

You could quietly think that the saucepans should go in the cupboard next to the cooker or that a blue rug would look in the lounge, but if you're not the person paying to live there then it isn't your place to put it there.

Decorating your child's room and sorting their stuff to your taste is perfectly fine, dandy and psychologically healthy when they're five and they live in your house. When they're thirty five and they live in their own house...... not so much.

I really feel for you OP. We live overseas and PIL are frequent visitors. In fact, they arrive tomorrow as they know DH has a few days off over Thanksgiving. Never mind that we might have had our own plans or wanted to spend time together as a nuclear family...

MIL also loves to make herself at home in our kitchen. She is a great cook but it's the assumption that when she arrives, suddenly she is in charge of meals and so on that kills me. Last visit, she complained she'd had to go out and buy foil and baking paper (the implication being that I didn't keep the kitchen well stocked enough - must be a female job as DH didn't hear about it). Except that if she'd looked, she would have found a drawer full of the stuff. She also has a habit of buying us 'essential' kitchen implements that she deems we need and then asking about them the next time she comes. Potato scrubber decorated like a mouldy old potato anyone? Oh yes, I'd better get that one out tonight in anticipation of her visit...

All I can say OP is use those pregnancy hormones to defend your territory. Coming in and putting up their own decorations is the rudest thing I've heard for a long time!

The thing is all those things would be fine if she had gone about it in the right way and listened:

"Could we bring Christmas lunch so you don't have to buy it?" = helpful
Turning up with it when food has already been bought=unhelpful: food goes to waste and also, I don't know about the rest of you, but our cupboards/fridge are full to bursting if we've done the christmas food shop. Doubling it would mean not enough space to put stuff.

"We've got a lovely rug I think would look nice in your living room, would you like it?"= generous
Arriving with said rug and putting it down without asking is rude.

"Would you like/mind if we brought some of our decorations? We've had them up every year since dh was tiny, it's sort of a tradition."=fine
Taking down your decorations and putting up their own = overbearing-OP might have her own family decorations she has put up.

Bringing presents for ds' stocking after checking it's okay=excited
Bringing presents after the OP has specifically said not to = rude

I think the OP has choices:

1. Just say it and risk the offense, but it may clear the air, and they may be easier knowing that sort of thing is not going to happen.

1. Just defend every bit. Rather PA, but might take the hint.

a) Christmas lunch-oh dear, we can't fit it in the fridge cupboards as our stuff is there. I know, my friend has a chest freezer, I'll put it in there, then you can take it home again and use it because I don't want it wasted. b) "We're planning on redecorating this room in the next year. Yes, everything will change." c) Have it decorated with ds' help before they arrive. "Do come and admire ds' decorating, he's longing to show you how well he's done it". d) "Oh I did say not to bring Santa presents, as I've got that all sorted. Why don't you give him a present each morning, then he can thank you properly."

Or 3. Ask them to do specific things and no more:
a) Can you bring the wine, we have everything else in hand, but the wine you brought last time was lovely?"
b) We're looking forward to showing you our new house. There's quite a few things to arrive still, as we've got stuff on order, but you'll get a general idea, but it's not finished yet, although we know exactly what we are doing."
c) Could you bring (enter one of the decorations) it's dh's favourite. We'll save a space to put it up. Ds has made his own paperchains this year, so it's quite crowded but we'll make sure we save a corner for that one.
d) As I said last time, please don't bring Santa presents, but I wondered if you'd like to bring a few little tree presents that he can open on Boxing day so he's got a few saved.

1. Get dh to tell them that they overdid it last time. Ask what they are planning on doing, and then he runs it past you, and then if they are planning too much he needs to get back and tell them no, and back you up when they arrive too.

Gosh, you are all better people than me. If my MIL brought rugs and decorations and what have you and started putting them around the house without reference to me I think my response would be to bark 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' at top volume.

Email is all very well, but honestly some of these things do have to be dealt with in the moment. If you find the pans moved, move them straight back and say 'MIL, actually I want the pans in this cupboard'. Take the rugs up and say you'll think about whether you want it when you've got a moment. Take the decorations down and say 'Thanks but they're not really my thing.'

And in case any of you think I'm one of those DILs, I'm really not (late MIL would never have done such a thing), I've just been well trained by my experiences with my own mother who does go in for quite a lot of stealth interfering. We've all learned to tell her straight and then grit our teeth through the sulks and the trembly lips. It's that or have the husbands decamp en masse.

I agree with what most people here have said....

however you can't expect PIL to read your and DH mind. You could link (present ideas?) to gifts you'd REALLY like from them...

My SIL for example loves all things Anthropologie (home-ware etc), her DM is similar. She also loves antiques (certain stuff). But we know, if we get them anything to stick to that. Her DB and his DW loves pugs and has a French Bulldog cushion (bought by his DM).

The decorations, tell them they can bring some over.

The grocery shopping is awful and expecting you to cook too... What I would say is, if they like eg pigs in blankets (and you don't) or Ritz crackers, Stollen etc (and you don't) then say they can bring XXX. Also say MIL is a dab hand at trifle, say she can make that. Anything else, no to the max.

I would have to say, I'd be beyond mad at all this behaviour... I can't get people who are like "oh be grateful". I'd be seething especially as they put rugs everywhere, it's like they don't trust you as DIL to decorate properly or think of rugs... and rearranging your pans.... WW3!

Monstrous - yes some people here are far better people than me...

I feel your pain. Have also had experience of this kind of thing with my IL's. A carefully worded email might be better than a phone call if you think you might end up feeling uncomfortable and backing down on the phone. At least with an email you have time to think about what you want to say and she will also have it in black and white!
You do have to be strong and stick to your guns. You'll feel better once you've said it. There's been some good suggestions to help you.
Good luck!

MIL turns up with a goose, knowing you have bought a turkey:
"Oh dear, you shouldn't have. NO, you really shouldn't have. Because we are having turkey and there is no room for the goose. But never mind, we can donate it to the women's shelter/Salvation Army."

MIL moves kitchen cupboards around.
Appear in living room, ringing hands.
"Okay, who is having a joke? because it isn't funny to rearrange my cupboards so I can't find anything. Can whoever did it come through and put them back right now please? I'm trying to get dinner ready and I don't need people playing silly beggars."

PIL turn up with gift of rugs. Very nice of them. PIL decide where such rugs go, including the intrusion into your bedroom. This is not nice, this is an attempt to assert domination.

Do not say anything. This is game playing of the highest order and you need to treat such an opponent with respect. And stealth.
Remove rug. Put rug in their room. For extra touch, staple to floor.
If challenged, smile sweetly. "why did I move the rug? Actually, I move things around in my house all the time."

If MIL counters with "I thought it looked nice there", hold your tongue. A long hard look can often say more than mere words. If pushed, say "Really?" in a slow, wondrous way. And then sit back and await an invite to PILs where you can have endless fun moving small objects like ornaments. Swap them around, or for maximum effect just move them a couple of inches to the right or left once or twice a day.

Oh - and it is totally nuts to bring your decorations to someone else's house and then take them home again. You either give the said decorations in perpetuity or you leave them at home. Again, it's all about control. You need to seize the control in your house.

I can't believe the OP is getting shit. Seriously. An email for the reasons the OP has stated. Possibly a 'phone call too. Draw your line in the sand OP as your DH is not being supportive of your stance.

Wow, and I thoight my MIL was an interfering old cow!
OP you need to take a stand, if your DH won't do it, you need to. You do need him to back you up though.
I'd probably only mention food in the email, the rest of it I'd tackle in the moment. For one thing, if you say too much in one email each thing might get lost in translation and nothing is solved.

I'd be e-mailing my husband about all of this.

And the fact that I was not prepared to be a host for 2 weeks over Christmas.

I'm also in the camp of having to admit that many of you are much more patient & tolerant than me if you're prepared to see this MIL's behaviour in a positive light. With the exception of the Santa gifts issue, which I do think is trivial, it sounds outrageously rude & interfering.

There have been some great suggestions for dealing with these issues in the moment, though, & I do think that's what you have to do, OP. Fair enough to tell them in the email not to bring extra food, because you just don't have room in the 'fridge; or their own decorations, as you want to decorate your own house.

But you'll still have to reinforce this & deal with the instances of cupboard rearranging etc. as & when they arise during the visit. Overbearing people are not going to change their entire personalities because of one polite email, & boundaries are not built in a day.

And you can't bring up the last visit - that moment has well & truly passed, & if they didn't realize they'd pissed you off last time then you're going to have to let that one go now. Put your feet up, get hold of something you can read about assertive communication, & decide that you're going to take charge (nicely) in your own home. Shitting off the doors is, of course, another option - love that!

I think you should phone her tell her your looking forward to seeing them and could she bring a few things for you, give her a list of food to bring and things to bring her grandchild, tell her your all sorted house wise but always need a hand cleaning up after everyone if she wouldn't mind.

Maybe if you actually work together and talk to each other things will work better it sounds like you are both planning separate xmas in the same house.

OMG I can't believe people think this is about MIL being helpful/generous, etc. Come off it! It is not normal to bring your own rugs and Christmas decorations to someone else's house. It's not normal to move their pots and pans to a different cupboard. It's not normal to bring your own food and expect your hosts to cook it - we're not talking about a veggie bringing a bit of nut loaf/some special gravy here, are we?

Not in agreement with you on the presents from Santa thing, but on the other hand, I have no idea why MIL wouldn't be happy to bring gifts from granny/grandad either?! So I think that actually this might have annoyed me too along with the rugs/decorations/food, etc.

I'm annoyed with your DH for just leaving you to it, but as you've asked for help with wording your email, I would like to offer an alternative suggestion to some of those above... pick the one big issue now and ignore the rest. For me, this would be the food (cannot stand waste and it would really stress me out if I thought she'd bring so much that we didn't have room and it would end up in the bin). Ask her not to bring any food as there won't be space for anything. Forget about the rest. The reason I say this is because if she did all that to mark her territory, she'll only find new ways to do it - she'll use paint/cleaning/anything else if she can't use rugs/decorations. You might as well leave it off the email (and therefore only mention one thing as opposed to several things, which all when read all at once might piss her off) - keep her sweet, then when they arrive you can tackle the territory marking head on. I like the idea about reading up on assertiveness now - you need to be confident that you can knock this on the head and I think that would be a massive help with that.

I recommend the board "DWIL Nation" on babycenter.com - there are far too many people in this thread who think your MIL isn't a passive aggressive bitch.

def need to set boundaries, I would be much clearer in email though, all coated with sugar,

please dont bring food, its so kind but i must insist you dont, if you do it will be given away,

please dont try and redecorate the house, if you do it will be removed

please dont x y and z

ps sorry if email sounds harsh i blame it on the pregany hormones.

'We have enough food, carpets and decorations! All we require is your presence. See you on the xth'.

You were absolutely right in your OP, they are pissing on their territory. This isn't trying to be helpful, this isn't clumsy good intentions, I doubt it's even consciously intentional. This may well be simply that they see DH as an extension of them, so his house is their house. And DH is only a boy and won't know how to do any of this so they'll do it all like they always do, and they'll sort his girlfriend out in the process. My DM is like this, she truly sees my house as hers because she doesn't really see me as a person, I'm some kind of outreach unit of her, and we've had battles about her rearranging things at will. I constantly have to retrieve out of the garage essentials that she doesn't see as essential because she doesn't need to use them in my house. Although not even she would randomly add furnishings to make the house more to her taste!

DH is probably well trained because they have never let him be an independent separate person, so he is not a full autonomous adult when it comes to them, and is one of the many men on MN who just wants his wife to roll over with him and let his mum do her thing at will because that's how it's always been. FOG. These parents end up damaging their children's marriages through their selfishness. It isn't about loving their child, it's about meeting their own needs using him and not minding about his relationship.

It's probably down to a case of making him realise their behaviour last time made you very uncomfortable and is not going to happen again, and/or making yourself enough of a presence in the house that PiL run up against the idea that you and your home are not the extension of them and their home that they intend you to be, and in the process force some respect. It probably is inevitably going to involve confrontation, stropping, resistance, emotional blackmail and protest on their part, you'll see a lot of behaviour designed to intimidate you into letting your boundaries go so they can have things their way. But if you want it to stop it's probably a case of putting up boundaries, holding them there and calmly blanking any negative behaviour, and being prepared to make yourself someone in the long term that they don't walk over.

This may well be simply that they see DH as an extension of them, so his house is their house. And DH is only a boy and won't know how to do any of this so they'll do it all like they always do, and they'll sort his girlfriend out in the process.

^ this.

I had this too, a mere extension that could be sorted out.

and is one of the many men on MN who just wants his wife to roll over with him and let his mum do her thing at will because that's how it's always been spot on,

brilliant post Rumble.

I love these threads where some say "oh for goodness sake, they're just trying to help"! You're the MILs and YABU!

I think that judging by previous phone calls where the MIL has then gone to DH and said things that weren't true, it is going to be really hard to get this resolved unless DH is totally on your side. Delay sending the email until you can talk to your DH, and point out to him that their behviour is really quite odd. It wouldn't occur to me to put up with my parents (or my inlaws) rearranging my cupboards etc, - I would probably lough outright at them if they did, then put everything back and tell them not to do it again.

The in laws sound like they really haven't accepted that their son is now an adult with his own family, and still boss you all around like children.

Talk to your DH - discuss what you feel is 'too much' and what is something you can live with, then write an email. That way, if MIL ignores you, then he will know straight away how much she's taking over, you won't have to explain it to him.

And do NOT tell her what you are buying your DH/DS as it sounds quite likely that she'll go out and buy the same, but better, if she has a chance. (She may not be quite that crazy, but there are plenty of stories on here of parents who do that)