to ask for your help drafting an email to MIL?

[newpaddingtonscaresme]

Back story is, we moved here from my home country 4 years ago. We live in a different city to my inlaws, mil and stepfather in law, a plane ride or about 10 hours drive away. We see them for a week about 4 times a year.

We have been to them for Christmas twice and they have been to us once.

Last time they came to us was two years ago. From my point of view it was a disaster. I thought they basically felt they were hosting Christmas in my house and I was the guest.

When they arrived they started bringing bags and bags of groceries in, we hadn't asked them to pick anything up and we had already done the grocery shopping. MIL started telling me what we were going to have for Christmas dinner. I said we'd already decided.

They then went back out to the car and into our bedroom, they were in there deciding where to put a new rug they'd brought down....without asking us. They also put rugs & carpets in other area of the house and put away utensils and some other little things they'd bought for our house.

They then proceeded to put up decorations they'd brought down.

They also bought our son presents from them and Santa after we told them Santa presents were only to come from us.

To me, they just walked around and pissed in every corner marking their territory.

My husband was at work at the time and to my shame I didn't say anything, I was stunned at the cheek of them and have been brought up to be polite so felt I'd be rude to say anything. Truthfully, I was a coward as I hate confrontation.

They stayed for two weeks and I was just full of pent up silent resentment and passive aggressive.

We had just moved to the area and I didn't know anyone to escape to have a drink or vent to.

One day I came home and all the pots and pans had been re-arranged and moved to a different cupboard.

My husband didn't get why I was in such a bad mood and catered to their every whim to make up for it.

My husband's defense of all this was:

the food and expectation that they'd dictate what we'd have - well, when he was growing up, his grandmother would come and do that, they didn't want us to spend any extra money on them.

the rugs etc - well, we were just starting out in a new house and they wanted to help us out, rented houses here don't come furnished so they wanted to save us money.

the decorations - well, some of them were from his childhood and since we hadn't spent Christmas with them in so long his mom just got overexcited. (We'd spent the previous Christmas with them)

He says his mom loves us and really wants to be involved and is only ever trying to help.

I already have some issues with his mom and her steeping over boundaries i.e doing something with ds that I've asked not to. Things have gotten better of late, I've stood up for myself more and they've backed off a bit.

DH doesn't think they ever do anything wrong, they're only ever guilty of being over-enthusiastic and I'm too quick to think the worst of them.

Another element to this is, whenever they come, they sit and badmouth every single other person in the family. They reserve most of it for DH's brother, who hasn't been to visit them since they married and moved here 20 years ago.

Soooo, thanks for getting this far. They're coming for two weeks again this year, I'll be 33 weeks pregnant and it's our first Christmas in a house we built.

I'm determined to make this one better...for everyone but it will involve me having to woman up and say what I want instead of hoping they get it and then getting pissed off when they don't.

I'm in an email exchange with MIL at the moment about presents and feel it's my chance to kindly set some boundaries. They've already told us, not asked, when they're coming regardless of any plans we may have and I'm already feeling unreasonably angry about this. I think two weeks is too long. DH of course has said that's all fine, whatever they want is good with us.

They moved DH from his home country, away from his dad and brother, to here when he was 15 and then when he was 18 moved back to the home country while he stayed here before he moved to UK where he met me and stayed for a few years. They moved back here while DH was in UK. Up until 4 years ago they had lived in different countries for 15 years.

I basically want to say, we're looking forward to seeing you, please don't feel you have to bring anything down apart from presents, with the pregnancy we want to have a relaxed few weeks and we are look own family traditions in the new house.....but I want to be a bit more assertive.

Sorry for the long post, I'm quite irritable with this pregnancy and every email I start to them comes across confrontational. They do love ds and are very good grandparents.

Thanks if you've got this far!

Sunna, spot-on about traditions evolving!

I wonder if the OP is maybe trying to make everything too perfect and needs to relax a little. Not a criticism, it is natural when you are setting up home etc, but maybe getting too stressed about things that in the grand scheme aren't so important?

This is between op and her husband, surely? In the unlikely event my mil pissed me off I'd go straight to dh, and tell him to address it with her.

Mn is awash with wives who expect vastly more from relative strangers than they do from their partner/ husband. Get him to sort it out, they're his family!

daisychain - my comment was in reply to aermingers saying that the OP should be grateful that her MIL is cooking for her. She isn't.

Any of those e mails will cause no end of upset and bad feeling. I would be furious if my DP sent a message to my parents telling them how to behave and that mucking in and bringing food and presents for family was so problematic.

Relax, think how they can actually help and then ask for that help as a mutual contribution to a happy family Chrtistmas.

I'm not saying it's easy , my MIL. Comes for 5 weeks.... But you oh see people pissing all over your territory if you are very territorial in the first place.

It doesn't say anywhere that the MIL expects the OP to cook for her. In fact, what she says about Christmas dinner gives the distinct impression that the MIL was going to cook.

Also, just noticed they haven't spent Christmas with them for years, so it's not like this is something they impose every year, it's the second time in a long time.

Hang on, the last time was two years ago! Bloody hell. It's not even like it's every year. Poor people, they're trying to be nice. Can you not be nice and put up with them for a few days once every couple of years when they're trying to be kind and they brought up the man you love? This is really unfair on your DH too. They're his family, he loves them. It's really not fair on him to cause an atmosphere when his family visit over such trivial things.

Aermingers. Cut and pasted from the op:

Last time they came to us was two years ago

And her second post:

Thanks however but she is not a good cook, they brought groceries that year for what they preferred dh and I make for them

If you're going to criticise the op at least do her the credit of reading what she has said.

Cross posted but Christmas alternate years is not a long time

Okay I misread. But if she did cook she'd complain about that too. I think this is really unfair. They're trying to be kind and helpful.
Essentially the whole post is just a long moan about people trying to be nice to you.

Sounds like there is a huge back story of overbearing and rude behviour from MIL.

The Christmas visit behaviour is weird. Who would move stuff around and place new stuff in house that's not their own without asking.

Is that helpful?

I don't quite get the Santa present thing, but OP feels MIL is invading her territory.

What's wring with creating their own traditions? Does Christmas have to be identical wherever you go in a family?
We have our own traditions, and started when the first child was born.

OP send pp's email suggestion.

I don't understand people saying MIL hasn't done anything wrong. She is far too overbearing.

Is about respect for other people's homes, boundaries, not barging in and taking over.

Making dil feel her home isn't good enough by buying rugs to improving it. No way would I like it.

If she eased off a bit, it woud be better. Queen Bee is the role she is playing, my mil would never do this.

This has to come from your DH, not you. They are his parents and he must deal with it. You have to make them see that you are a united front. At the moment, they are likely to ignore you and do what they want.

They don't sound like they're being mean. I think they're trying to help, but are not considering your feelings. It would also drive me crackers.

And 2 weeks with ANYONE other than my dh and dcs is way too long! Talk to your DH and make him sort this out so everyone's happy. He needs to remember that their feelings are not more important than yours.

The bringing food, gifts, household things, decorations etc. would seem pleasant and like well mannered guest behaviour to me. Moving your things and bringing Santa gifts when they'd been asked not to would piss me off. So, I think you should be careful what you wish and ask for as the alternatives could be worse.

They're obviously willing to do things so I would try to direct their energy towards things that are helpful rather than putting them off doing anything. Better to have proactive guests than difficult lumps. If you'd rather they helped with cooking than moving your things around, see if you can redirect them.

It isn't easy, I would be irritated by cupboard re-arrangement, of course! But some things are irritating, some are helpful, go with the flow and don't let the irritating bits contaminate the whole experience.

You can't control and dictate how other people are, and mould them into the perfect guests.

Relax, get your DH to be ready to say 'steady on there, Mum, not sure Paddington wants her cupboards re-arranging than thanks!' and take the heat out of it all.

What you should say is "Dear DH, please sort it out". Nothing to MIL.

I have absolutely no idea why so many MNetters claim there is an anti-MIL bias on here when threads like this clearly demonstrate the opposite is true.

You are an adult in your own home. You are allowed the Christmas if your choosing- whether it fits in with your MIL's traditions or not.

It is downright bloody rude to invite yourself to someone's home and trample over their plans even if you gave birth to their husband

Ok, thanks all for your replies.

I accept I may be overly sensitive about some things and I need to relax. I'm just scared of this Christmas being like that last one with misunderstandings and unspoken resentment.

To clarify, they brought groceries to us after we'd spent hundreds on the Christmas shop, expected us to forget the plans we'd made for dinner and just make what they wanted.

They bought & put their decorations up WITHOUT ASKING, they put rugs around the house WITHOUT ASKING. They didn't agree with where in the house our pans were so rearranged them WITHOUT ASKING.

I really don't think I'm being precious about this stuff, it's rude to think you can change things in someone else's house.

They are no help when they come, they expect everything to be done for them and when we go to theirs we are expected to do everything there too.

With the Santa thing I can see how some of you think iwbu but she agreed when we asked and went ahead anyway.

I'm taking on board every message, thank you all. They're v different to my own family and I'm prob extra sensitive because I'd love my family to be here.

They are overbearing and / or over enthusiastic, but in the end, rugs, schmugs - just take them up and e bay them after they have gone!

Pick your battles: explain that you have all the shopping for some lovely Christmas menus and if they arrive with a Sainsbury's truck in tow, don't engage, just say 'fab - this will be great for 3 days after Christmas...' and proceed cheerfully and confidently with the Christmas you have planned.

Sorry you are missing your family, especially in the run up to your new baby.

Making dil feel her home isn't good enough by buying rugs to improving it. No way would I like it.

It is her sons house too and she probably bought it as a present. My mum has bought me rugs before, and ornaments and pictures, and I never once saw it as her saying my home isn't good enough. What an odd thing to think!

Also the cupboard thing - I strongly suspect MIL didn't decide one day to just rearrange the cupboards, but rather washed dishes and put them in the wrong place by accident? Again my mum has done this, I just kept schtum and was thankful she washed up!

And a pp raised a good point about bringing food. If it was a MN thread asking 'my DIL cooks food we don't like' you'd get 400 people saying 'take your own food'. And I aslo wouldn't be happy if my DH emailed my parents an angry email after I'd asked him to leave it. Again if this was a MN thread 'My DH emailed my dad behind my back' there'd be hundreds of posters saying this was a red flag.

people have very odd perceptions of behaviour sometimes especially when it comes to MILs seems poor buggers can't do right for doing wrong

Buying rugs and other stuff for your adult son's house is reasonable and kind if and only if there has been a conversation along the lines of ...

"hey DS we would love to give you something for your new house: what would you and DIL like?"

"Ooh well we were talking about getting a red rug for the front room."

Some good suggestions here although I agree it will be misread anyway so direct is better. "Please don't bring x as there will be no room."

I'm prob extra sensitive because I'd love my family to be here.

And there it is. What it boils down to. Poor you OP, I can absolutely relate! my family are very small and I only have my grandad left in my home town now, whereas DHs huge family occupy half the City we live in! I love them but family gatherings are never as good as if it were my family and it makes me sad that I don't get that much anymore. Last time me, my mum, siblings and grandparents were all together was 5 years ago when we all went on holiday so I know where you're coming from 100%

OP, you're not oversensitive! This would have driven me completely insane. I think moving the saucepans would have been the final straw for me - once I'd found them again I'd probably have hit her over the head with them.

You can go down the polite email route, though from the sound of it your MIL will take offence however polite you are. So she will either do the same as she did last time OR she won't bring anything and will spend the whole fortnight sniping about the fact she wasn't allowed to bring anything. And you can't even drink yourself into oblivion because you're pregnant.

In future, the thing to do is be firm with your DH and not let them come for more than three or four days.

Many people on here thankfully have emotionally healthy inlaws to deal with. Unfortunately your ILs are clearly emotionally unhealthy and have no concept whatsoever of boundaries. They treat your house as theirs and redecorate it as theirs too.

Your PILs are difficult tetchy people to deal with and your DH is as much a problem as they are. He is both unwilling and unable to stand up for himself and his family, his own inertia here now is simply hurting his family unit i.e you and your child.

Ebaying the crap rugs they bring over is a good suggestion but I doubt very much your DH would allow that to happen; he is too afraid of them and still seeks their approval even now. He is far more afraid of him than he ever would be or is of you.

They are neither good parents to him nor decent grandparents to your child if they come in and take over like they are doing. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend and family are no different.

But what is the OP supposed to do with all the food she bought and is now not allowed to use? Come on, if you spent £100s on loads of fresh food and it potentially went to waste, you can NOT be telling me you think that is remotely helpful and kind - it's not!

Helpful and kind = "can I bring anything, do you need anything extra?"
or "I have a special diet so I'll bring what I need is that ok?"
Overbearing = "Here's the food you're going to cook for us, we don't want what you've bought"

Helpful and kind = "here are the decorations we/DH traditionally have at Christmas, would you like us to put some of them up around the place?"
Overbearing = "we're putting up OUR decorations wherever we like"

Helpful and kind = "I've done the washing up, I've put some stuff away but I might have got it in the wrong place, sorry" OR "I've done the washing up for you but I didn't know where to put it so I've left it out on the table for you to tell me where it goes"
Overbearing = "I've done the washing up and re-arranged your cupboards to suit my notion of where things should go because I don't like the way you have them"

Do you see the difference?

he is too afraid of them and still seeks their approval even now. He is far more afraid of him than he ever would be or is of you.

seems to me he just wants an easy life and is trying to be as impartial as possible. Because for various reasons the OP is being quite precious on some counts (sorry OP, I do get why you are though!). Why is it a bad thing that the DH isn't afraid of the OP?