to ask for your help drafting an email to MIL?

[newpaddingtonscaresme]

Back story is, we moved here from my home country 4 years ago. We live in a different city to my inlaws, mil and stepfather in law, a plane ride or about 10 hours drive away. We see them for a week about 4 times a year.

We have been to them for Christmas twice and they have been to us once.

Last time they came to us was two years ago. From my point of view it was a disaster. I thought they basically felt they were hosting Christmas in my house and I was the guest.

When they arrived they started bringing bags and bags of groceries in, we hadn't asked them to pick anything up and we had already done the grocery shopping. MIL started telling me what we were going to have for Christmas dinner. I said we'd already decided.

They then went back out to the car and into our bedroom, they were in there deciding where to put a new rug they'd brought down....without asking us. They also put rugs & carpets in other area of the house and put away utensils and some other little things they'd bought for our house.

They then proceeded to put up decorations they'd brought down.

They also bought our son presents from them and Santa after we told them Santa presents were only to come from us.

To me, they just walked around and pissed in every corner marking their territory.

My husband was at work at the time and to my shame I didn't say anything, I was stunned at the cheek of them and have been brought up to be polite so felt I'd be rude to say anything. Truthfully, I was a coward as I hate confrontation.

They stayed for two weeks and I was just full of pent up silent resentment and passive aggressive.

We had just moved to the area and I didn't know anyone to escape to have a drink or vent to.

One day I came home and all the pots and pans had been re-arranged and moved to a different cupboard.

My husband didn't get why I was in such a bad mood and catered to their every whim to make up for it.

My husband's defense of all this was:

the food and expectation that they'd dictate what we'd have - well, when he was growing up, his grandmother would come and do that, they didn't want us to spend any extra money on them.

the rugs etc - well, we were just starting out in a new house and they wanted to help us out, rented houses here don't come furnished so they wanted to save us money.

the decorations - well, some of them were from his childhood and since we hadn't spent Christmas with them in so long his mom just got overexcited. (We'd spent the previous Christmas with them)

He says his mom loves us and really wants to be involved and is only ever trying to help.

I already have some issues with his mom and her steeping over boundaries i.e doing something with ds that I've asked not to. Things have gotten better of late, I've stood up for myself more and they've backed off a bit.

DH doesn't think they ever do anything wrong, they're only ever guilty of being over-enthusiastic and I'm too quick to think the worst of them.

Another element to this is, whenever they come, they sit and badmouth every single other person in the family. They reserve most of it for DH's brother, who hasn't been to visit them since they married and moved here 20 years ago.

Soooo, thanks for getting this far. They're coming for two weeks again this year, I'll be 33 weeks pregnant and it's our first Christmas in a house we built.

I'm determined to make this one better...for everyone but it will involve me having to woman up and say what I want instead of hoping they get it and then getting pissed off when they don't.

I'm in an email exchange with MIL at the moment about presents and feel it's my chance to kindly set some boundaries. They've already told us, not asked, when they're coming regardless of any plans we may have and I'm already feeling unreasonably angry about this. I think two weeks is too long. DH of course has said that's all fine, whatever they want is good with us.

They moved DH from his home country, away from his dad and brother, to here when he was 15 and then when he was 18 moved back to the home country while he stayed here before he moved to UK where he met me and stayed for a few years. They moved back here while DH was in UK. Up until 4 years ago they had lived in different countries for 15 years.

I basically want to say, we're looking forward to seeing you, please don't feel you have to bring anything down apart from presents, with the pregnancy we want to have a relaxed few weeks and we are look own family traditions in the new house.....but I want to be a bit more assertive.

Sorry for the long post, I'm quite irritable with this pregnancy and every email I start to them comes across confrontational. They do love ds and are very good grandparents.

Thanks if you've got this far!

There is a huge chance that they might want to take care of you being so heavily pregnant.

Email and say that you are very excited about them coming and that the decorations and food have already been organised but you understand that they enjoy helping out and would they mind sorting out Christmas Eve and Boxing Day dinners but please keep it simple as Christmas Day is busy.

Things you don't like (rugs, decorations) disappear to friends who might need them. And if they ever asked you, tell IL's that your friend desperately needed a rug and the one you had was so perfect for them

Attilla that's exactly it, they treat my house as theirs and redecorate and put up decorations TO THEIR TASTE. There was no discussion or thought as to what we would like.

We've built our own house now and I don't want the same happening again. I don't mind gifts, of course I don't and I'm grateful for them but I reserve the right to decorate our house our way.

My dh didn't like anything they brought but felt rude saying anything.

IsChippyMinton thank you for your thoughts and suggestions but no it wasn't innocently putting something back in the wrong place. She took all the pots and pans out of one cupboard and put them in another because, in her opinion, they were better there.

when are they doing all this??

it's hardly the work of moments to lay rugs throughout the whole house, rearrange a whole kitchen AND redecorate for christmas

Keep your eyes on them! And stop them before they start....any movement to the kitchen cupboards other than to reach out a cup and saucer for tea needs a firm rebuttal! "what on earth are you doing....go and sit down"

And for your own sanity then just let some of their behaviour wash over you. Two weeks is a good length of time but getting het up and resentful is hardly going to make it fly by.

If they don't help out then set yourself up in the kitchen "to potter about" and exclude them....let them manage the wee one and send dh in to amuse them all

When my ILs are here I spend ages in the kitchen making cakes/meals/trays of tea and then out of the house with the dogs. We all have a lovely time! ;)

I agree with a lot of what has been said upthread, especially about the fact that the problem here (as usual) is that your DH is doing nothing.

But Blu posting 'pick your battles' sums it up for me.

I think people are arguing about whether the op is being unreasonable or not because actually MILs behaviour is a mixture of the excited and generous, and the interfering and unwelcome.
I think that the experience feels entirely negative because the op feels completely helpless so cannot spot the benign things and the things she should just let go.

Op, I think you need to drill down on what parts actually bother you and what parts were just blown out of proportion by your feelings of frustration and resentment. Then you need to get your DH to speak to his mother and say, for example, "mum, please don't bring any food. We have limited food storage and I don't want the kitchen crammed. I'll be getting supplies in so tell me if there is anything you would especially like."

If you can prevent the main points of irritation that will dial down your resentment levels.
Then perhaps practice finding something to say when she pushes your buttons - if she cleans out the kitchen say 'wow, you've changed all of that! If you are on a tidying spree could you attack DCs wardrobe for me. That would be so helpful and he'd love it. Shall I show you"

If she brings rugs say 'gosh, we don't really need rugs but you know what would be lovely on that table - you know that picture frame in your sitting room, that would look lovely there. If you are giving us stuff to decorate of course, rather than getting rid of stuff you just don't want..'

Whatever issues you have with your mil, it is a very bad idea to send an email.

It may be ok to say, "Oh, please don't bring food this year as we've ordered masses already," but laying down rules about other things... well, it's just asking for a huge falling out.

Presents for your ds? The decorations? They're hardly terrible crimes. I have a lot of lovely old decorations. Well, they're lovely to me and to ds, and I was planning to give them to him one day. I would be devastated if a dil sent me an email spurning my decorations! And I wouldn't think much of ds, either. I'd rather hear it from him that they didn't want my manky old baubles. [Getting unreasonably angry about future baublegate 20 years from now!]

I understand, though, about not having your own family. I think most of us want the Christmas we had when we were six and other people's Christmases are always just plain wrong .

Agree, don't send an email. Keep conversation friendly.
Is there anything you would like them to bring food wise? If so, ask them to bring it. And mention what the menu is and that your cupboards and freezer are full. If they then turn up with food for an alternative menu they expect you to cook, you can smile and say, "no we're having turkey, not goose on Christmas Day. Do you want to leave the goose in the boot of your car and you can cook it on Boxing Day?" Give them an alternative but do not change your plans just because they want you to.

They can have their traditions in their house, but your family will form its own traditions and PIL should accept this. If not, then you and DP will have to make it clear.

I second MrsHathaway, choosing and bringing rugs and choosing where to put them is NOT a gift.

Bringing a few decorations and saying "I thought these might be nice for you to have, please use /keep them if you'd like" is very different to barging in and putting up the decs.

Bringing your own food should only be done with prior consultation - otherwise it suggests that what the host is providing is crap. And as for descending for two weeks on anyone, never mind someone heavily pregnant!

But OP didn't ask if she or PIL were BU, she asked for help tackling PILs behaviour. I think this needs to be a 2 pronged approach, firstly dh needs to be on side. And then HE needs to approach his parents and back his wife up while they visit.

(Though I don't get the santa thing, both sets of grandparents use the santa thing do disguise the fact that they have bought too much for the dcs )

"My dh didn't like anything they brought but felt rude saying anything".

That's also part of the problem here; he feels both unwilling and unable to say anything to his parents about their overbearing behaviour.

Chippy - you are correct in that OPs DH would like to have a quiet/easy life but he also deep down wishes this would all go away so that he does not have to act. He is more afraid of his parents disapproval than he ever would be of upsetting his wife so remains in denial of what is really happening here.

These types of problems do not go away. His inertia and unwillingness to act hurts him as well as his own family unit now, overbearing parents like his leave the now adult child spineless and unable to assert themselves at all. DH's primary loyalty should now be to his own wife and family, it likely is not and he is at the very least torn.

I think it's a case of picking your battles. For example, if they bring rugs and things, let them put them in the room they are sleeping in. You can just get rid of them when they leave.

If they were to re-arrange things in your house, just put them straight back when you realise. They'll soon get the message.

I would send an e-mail along the lines of...

Dear MIL,

We are all really excited to see you at Christmas, especially DS. I'm really excited to host this year and have already done all my meal planning, so no need to bring any food as I have it all sorted and there won't be any room in the fridge or freezer, so I wouldn't want your food to go to waste. Although as I'll be 33 weeks pregnant, you'd be more than welcome to help me cook if you'd like.

Also, we've bought some lovely decorations and we can't wait to put them up, so again, no need to bring any with you. Just bring yourselves.

Just one thing though, I know we discussed last time, that I would rather any presents you bought were from you and not Santa. I think we must have had crossed wires or something, but this year I'd like to stick to my original plan of Santa's presents coming from DH and me and your presents coming from you. I'm sure you understand.

Paddington

I'm sorry, I couldn't read all the way through your first post OP - I feel ill just reading about how interfering they are.

but I have a sack full of "No" , No, thank you" and "No fucking way" that I left at your front door, Santa style.
if you run out by Christmas I'll bring you more.

It is staggeringly rude to start rearranging someone else's cupboards and redecorating their house (even temporarily). I'm astonished at the number of people on this thread who think OPs MIL's behaviour is fine. I'm also really surprised at the number of people who think it's fine for the OP to deal with it.

All those people who think MIL is so nice and kind, would you really not take offence at someone swooping in without asking with stuff and putting it everywhere?

To me that means "your taste is crap so I'm helping you out".

Liking the Santa bag full of "No" at your front door, OP. Use them. Whenever they start being rude, say No. Don't change your Xmas dinner menu, don't let them put stuff you don't like anywhere, don't let them tell you how to organise your kitchen.
You can blame it all on the pregnancy hormones.

Get your dh to put up some boundaries and shorten their visit. 2 weeks would turn me into a raging liability, even with the most helpful visitors.

If Dh is unable to stand up to them, even though he dislikes what they are doing, take DS and stay with a friend for a bit. "I'll come back when my living room is back to the state it was before they arrived."

I'd suggest fixing boundaries now, otherwise you'll have years of them walking all over you.

I think that they probabl are trying to be kind rather than pissing on your territory.
However they are going too far and I would definitely be pissed off by their behaviour, particularly putting down the new rugs and re-arranging your kitchen.
I would e-mail-I personally think its a lot better for a tricky issue than a phone call-you can draft and redraft and there is less room for misunderstanding lying about what you have said.
The very first response you got sounded good to me.

I would keep it very friendly though and pick your battles carefully. Be careful of perceiving criticism where non is intended.
You don't need to see them often so compromise because generally you can get on with your own lives as you wish.
I don't agree that this is your husbands problem, its you that has the issue.
Its unfair to put him in the middle-better to be direct with people.

I don't think the OP is being precious or oversensitive and I'm amazed at the posters saying she is, or that the ILs are just being nice or helpful.

Right from when they 'told' the OP when they were coming to stay, it is obvious that they have no sense of boundaries. They are treating the OP's home like their own – in a bad way. They need pulling up.

And the DH needs to be the one to grow a pair and do it.

Thank you everyone, you've given me lots to think about.

I'm already in an email exchange with MIL, she is asking about gift suggestions for Dh so the plan was to write an extra few lines in an email I'm already sending rather than me dictating the rules in my house for Christmas.

I know from my OP it doesn't at all seem like it but I'm quite relaxed and usually love a laid back Christmas, pjs till afternoon, eating too much and napping in front of tv kinda thing.

There is no way mil should choos the decor of an dil home!! No way. I is beyond rude and way too much. If she really cared she wold take dil out or buy a gift voucher. No, she wants to impose and is bossy and headstrong. Totally out of order and dh is sucking up to her and not thinking his wife.

I am not anti mil and my mil is one of the people I cm most fond of in my life so it's nothing to do with being anti Mil in general.

My mil is a true friend and never oversteps the mark, ever. For that reason I go out of my way to ask her and include her in our life. If I had a mil that was so intrusive I would shit off all doors.

Crying laughing at 'I would shit off all doors.'

grumble, I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you I promise, I know it was just a typo. I'm laughing because it's so gloriously apt a typo.

Shit off.. Oh my god.. Ha ha

I wouldn't go that far... Well not unless pushed ..

It's the mental image. Crouched grimly on the door frame ...

Sorry op, I had similar when we moved in together. Mil was very helpful in providing her old curtains (bought from charity shops) and not my taste. She even decided which windows they went in. Bought us/ gave us their old paint to decorate rooms in our house.

Nowadays she brings biscuits and cakes to last a few weeks as she knows I dont buy them and wants to treat the kids.

I let the small stuff go. She doesnt rearrange my kitchen any more after I yelled at dh because I couldnt find things, yes I can do pa as well!

We used to get the santa thing too. Our dc get one main present from santa and they would bring silly things from him( sponge, flannel). When the dc could read I would get dh to switch the labels. Nowadays we dont have the problem, we told mil we wanted her to get the credit for her lovely gifts.

Sorry, a bit long. We are 20yrs down the line and I cope by ignoring the behaviour and putting it right after she has gone. She is mainly lovely though, her heart is in the right place. She means well and adores our dc.

Keep your chin up and remember it is only for a couple of weeks.

Excellent post MrsGrumble. I'm now wondering how many in-law dilemmas could be solved by the OPs dropping their kecks, bending over and machine gunning a round of wet farts at the French windows.

It's a brand new house we built so I don't want to shot off ALL the doors, I'll just do the one in the guest bedroom, thanks MrsGrumble

I'd sit down and work out which are the things that annoy you the most and pick a couple of things to tackle them over. Ideally DH would do this as they're his parents, but doesn't sound like he will.

It's not ideal but if you're going to avoid a really negative e-mail to them, then I think it's better to focus on one or two things and possibly give your MIL a job to do to focus her. So could you say that you and DC have bought some new christmas decorations and could her and granddad help decorate the tree/hallway/dining table when they arrive? And/or ask her to provide dessert or boxing day lunch.

I would mention the fridge and freezer will be jam packed and outline your menu for Christmas day too.

Difficult to know if they're trying to be helpful or being more pushy than that, but personally, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt this time and see what happens. It sounds like you've got some sort of alternate yearly Christmas thing going on, I wonder if one year you should just have a family thing on your own and see PIL either before or after. We do this with my family, PIL and on our own (a three year rota). It gives us space to do our own things.

*shit off ALL the doors