To tell my friend to fuck off and never speak to her again?

[Mammanat222]

Will try to be brief.

Friend came round this morning to see our new place. We moved in a week ago.

It's got brand new [cream] carpets through-out.

As anyone in London can testify today was wet and there has been plenty of rain in recent days.

We are strictly shoes off at the moment, due to aforementioned carpet and I know a lot of people disagree with this in principle but lets not concentrate on that.

Friend turns up with her 3 year old son, he is in his rain stuff including wellies as is she. I greet them in hallway and tell them to take shoes off. Nothing rude or argumentative and friend knows I have had carpet put in, she also knows how much it bloody cost.

Friend obliges and takes her boots off but says "it took me forever to get him dressed today can I leave his boots on and give them a wipe", I politely say he needs to take them off to which I get greeted with a sigh but still she doesn't make any moves to take the boots off. She then says "look you know how hard it is for me to get him dressed, can we just not pop up and I'll keep him in kitchen"

I then try to speak to child directly and cajole him to take his boots off (think along the lines of "take your boots off sweetie and you can go up to see the cat and J's bedroom with all his toys") to which my friend says - words to the effect of 'do you know what we'll leave coming up today, I've told you twice that I am not taking his boots off' and she then proceeded to put her boots back on, frogmarch her child out of the door whilst muttering 'good luck Hyacinth with your two kids and cream carpet'

Now this is a friend I have know for almost 20 years, someone who is normally the kindest, sweetest person and her behaviour was very out of character.

I waited for an apology and it never arrived so an hour later I messaged to see if she was OK and ask what was going on to which I got a shitty reply which was "I am fine, I just don't want my son to come and play in a house full of rules and regulations, good luck if you think your kids are never going to mess your carpet up"

I replied and explained that it might seem over zealous but the carpet is just 10 days old and I not happy for dirty wellies to be worn.

Friend then replied and said she was out having some un-regulated fun with her son and she would contact me when she had calmed down.

What the actual fuck. I turned my phone off as I didn't trust myself to reply.

Where can I go with this

In all our years of friendship I've never had anything like this with her?

I hate shoe-free house rules generally, but in this instance your friend sounds very very rude. I would also say that there is something more going on with her though.

As a preface - we're a shoes on house (although I do find that all children and most adults automatically take them off).

I am very relaxed about carpets but I'd still expect muddy boots to come off and no a wipe would not be sufficient.

From what you've said your friend was extremely rude, on too of which I seriously lose respect for anyone so little in control of an NT toddler that they couldn't get them to take muddy boots off.

However it's a friendship if long duration and you say it is out if character. I'd say nothing but step back and await an apology. If none was forthcoming I might find I was (politely) quite busy for a while.

So she's having a hard time with her kid

It sounds like she's having a hard time with her kid, and her partner, and she trekked across London in the rain to see a friend and got turned away at the door.

Then the friend mentioned this all on Mumsnet, commenting that she doesn't judge her parenting, but they parent 'differently' (code for 'I totally judge her parenting'), stuck the knife in that the child's father finds him 'hard' (code for I totally judge his behaviour) and then people pull her apart because she'll never be able to get her kid ready for school on time, her fertility is commented on, and it's all written of as down to her jealousy.

All I can think is, thank fuck I am not the 'friend'.

If your friend had insisted you let her child run around your house in muddy boots you would NBU. But she offered a reasonable compromise of keeping him in the kitchen. Surely you don't have carpets there? Why wasn't this good enough for you? If I was your friend I would have been passed off too that you ignored me and started to try to persuade my kid to take his boots off. She had obviously had a bad morning and didn't want any more conflict and stress. You could have all had a nice morning in the kitchen if you had just been prepared to take up her compromise.

Well said, looking through the fog.

I agree with the PPs who say there is definitely more going on here than meets the eye, her reaction was so disproportionately rude.

Let the whole thing cool down and then try to organise some grown-ups only time with her. Perhaps she will open up a bit.

She wasn't turned away at the door. Stop making shit up.

It was me who asked whether your friend is ttc as the 'two children' comment sounded a lot more loaded than about carpets.

She did NOT get 'turned away at the door', that's bloody ridiculous. How absolutely inconsiderate do you have to be to think it's ok to trek mud through someones house, especially a new house when you're still in new and exciting stage.

Her texts afterwards were beyond the pale. Do not apologise to her, unbelievably rude.

But lillie mud will still mark the lichen floor why should the OP have to clean it because the mother isn't prepared to take charge?

What happens when child or mother need to go to the loo? Or child wants to play with toys or climb up on a seat (in muddy boots)? Going to the kitchen in no way resolves the problem.

Seriously, doesn't everyone teach their children about being careful and respectful with both their own and other's possessions? Which includes new carpets. ie Please be careful with your cousins favourite toy, x would be very sad if it got broken, please don't touch auntie y's favourite glass bowl and please don't walk your muddy boots across anyone's carpets - isn't that basic manners and common courtesy?

Applauds ThroughTheFog

Your friend sounds ridiculously rude, OP.

It doesn't matter what anybody's opinions are of you getting cream carpets, the point is you're in a lovely new house and have lovely new carpets laid that have likely cost you an arm and a leg. What kind of person refuses to remove a child's filthy wellies when entering somebody else's home, let alone one with brand new carpets? That's utterly grim. I know exactly where my dd has been with her wellies in the past and they go nowhere near my carpets.

My rule of thumb in this house is:

Shoes are fine in the hallway, kitchen, bathroom and boot room because there is lino/tiled flooring down.

Shoes come off in the hallway and slippers go on if entering the living room and bedrooms where there is carpet. I have lots of slippers and pairs of clean fluffy, chunky socks for anyone who would like them.

I'm not overly precious about my carpets - the puppy peed on them loads when she was very little and I have a 7 year old who has had more than her fair share of felt tip pens leaks whilst colouring on the floor (it would appear that buying her a desk was a total waste of feckin' money), but they aren't easily replaced and do cost a lot of money, so I will do all that I can to keep them nice for as long as I can. It's perfectly reasonable and logical to ask people to take off their shoes/wellies in your house.

And can I also add... What does she mean she'll never be able to get his shoes back on?! Who is the parent, her (the adult) or him (the 3 year old child)?

I don't know anyone who would make a drama out of taking their DC wet muddy wellies off or their own. Who wants all that mud and dirt in their house, let alone expect someone else to clean it up after you've trailed it around.

Yanbu

She was being belligerent, jealous and not a great friend who would have automatically wanted to take all their wellies off. It's just common sense surely.

I have cream carpets as any other colour would make the rooms look smaller IMO. My hall and kitchen don't which is where we normally sit so shoes can stay on.

I really don't get why anyone would wear outdoor shoes on any carpet, their own or someone else, it just doesn't make sense. So you YANBU. Your house, your rules, no matter what she thinks about your choice of carpets and your rules and regulations.
However, as this is an old friend and this seems to be a one off, lets hope you can resolve it.

I think she was very rude.
It's basic manners to take shoes off especially wellies

I have wooden floors so don't really care but I'd always take shoes off in anothers home.
I was at a horse ride walking behind the riders yesterday
My wellies (and kids) are currently caked in horse poo and mud. Can I come in your houses and tramp around?
New carpets or not!

We all get stressed. But I'd never dream of

1. Expecting others to compensate because I can't deal with my chld. I wouldn't take him in the first place
2. Being so rude to an old dear friend.

She isn't a friend in my opinion.

You could have had a nice morning in the kitchen Maybe Op didn't want to be confined to her own kitchen because a cranky toddler wanted to keep his filthy boots on?

She wasn't allowed into the kitchen. She was not allowed in.

Oh, unless you mean that she could have wrestled the boots off the child and then wrestled them back on again, but this clearly wasn't an option for this mother as she mentioned it twice. Or maybe she didn't want her child to have a massive screaming tantrum in her friend's house as she tried to get them on again. I've been known to do some things to avoid tantrums before, it's not bad parenting to try to avoid flash-points.

She's rude. I've got two toddlers, I take their shoes off even when people say not to worry about it, muddy boots and any carpets don't go IMO! Even old crappy brown carpets. No point in ruining carpets for no reason!!

Well LookingThroughtheFog, if the OP was judging the friend's parenting then the friend certainly gave as good as she got because she directly criticised the OPs parenting - twice.

LOL at the snobbery on this thread.

The reason UMCs and UCs wear shoes indoors as a matter of course is because they enter all houses via the kitchen, which has a stone, tile or wooden floor that will not show dirt. They all leave their outdoor shoes in the bootroom and change into indoor shoes (anything with rubber soles). This is to protect carpets which may be centuries old (though new to the family if UMC). If you are a guest who has not brought spare indoor shoes, you wear your socks.

In London or other cities where UMCs and UCs are forced to reside temporarily in very small houses without boot rooms, the antique carpet is replaced with cheap sisal to avoid the embarrassment of having to ask guests to remove their shoes.

MMC people also wear shoes indoors because they/we do not have expensive anything, apart from education.

If your host is Asian or Arabic, posh or not, you remove your shoes without asking and say, "Let's be comfortable."

It is NOT basic manners to take shoes off indoors. It's some people's preference.

I'm not a shoes-off-at-the-door fusspot at all. People can keep their shoes on in here, and I always inwardly groan at being asked to take mine off elsewhere...but even I think the friend is being unreasonable.

Would I want brand new cream carpets put in jeopardy by a stubborn toddler who doesn't want to take his boots off? HELL NO!
Screw that kid.

Never mind all this debate
Arya your typo's cheered me up no end

why should you have to scrub your new carpet just because he doesn't want to take his willies off

and she trekked across London in the rain to see a friend and got turned away at the door.

Did she "trek across London"?

Don't forget her bitchy comments. She is hardly the wronged innocent in this.