Strangers touching my baby!

[Reddottys12]

Why do complete strangers think it's ok to come up to me in the street and touch my baby? It's always on the face or hands and he eats his hands constantly so goodness knows the germs he's picking up.

Today, someone I've met only once before decided she must hold my 4 month old and then constantly kissed his head. This really annoyed me and i feel really crossed some sort of boundary. She's a stranger to me and my son and I feel kisses are reserved for family and good friends!

What do I say or do when this happens and not sound like a cow or a paranoid mother?

Oh and sandgrown, perhaps you should head to west Africa and kiss babies, maybe you'll think different about germs with Ebola risks. Do you know chicken pox(shingles:cold sore) and strep B throat can be mild for adults and toddlers but deadly for babies? Your post is ridiculous. Babies need protective mums not pokey grabby strangers insisting on touching new born's for their own bloody broody needs.

Just an extract: Your post is ridiculous
and horrible.

Yes dawn I thought that about the Ebola post. And chicken pox are far more dangerous in adults than they are in babies!

Me too. Left a really nasty taste in my mouth.

And mrsdevere made a really good post on the other thread re bodily autonomy for babies/small kids and how it is misunderstood. To talk about bodily autonomy for a newborn is really bloody ridiculous. They don't even know they have a body ffs!

I find it confusing that those of you who think it "sad" or "depressing" that some parents aren't comfortable with this have so much venom towards those who aren't comfortable with it.

Why the venom?

Will it kill you to accept that not everyone's the same? Must you insist on your "rights" to feel comfortable to stick your fingers on their babies when many parents patently don't like it?

As someone who is not comfy with it, I show no venom or disdain towards those who are comfy with it. It's just a personal preference.

Zoe just because a baby isn't aware of it's body does not mean it's fair game. Why do you think they have parents ffs!? They're there to distinguish between non-safe and safe contact FOR the child.

If you're happy for strangers to touch your baby fine...it's your choice....but don't pour scorn on those who are not.

It has little to do with paranoia and everything to do with personal boundaries and instinct.

I agree clawhands it's so odd that people who like to touch random babies get so angry about being told some people don't want their babies to be touched.
I don't see the big deal. I will tell strangers not to touch my kid, doesn't stop them from trying with someone else's kid should they really need to.

It has little to do with paranoia and everything to do with personal boundaries and instinct.
No it doesn't. It has everything to do with parental feelings regarding contact. I don't have a problem with people not wanting their babies touched, I personally feel it's a tad silly, but up to the individual, but let's not pretend that this is anything other than being over protective. A baby has no concept of personal boundaries, the parent does. A baby has no instincts other than cold, soiled, hungry, tired etc. The parent does. It's about the parents wishes and pathologising parenthood doesn't help anyone.

I never said a baby was fair game. Parents are there to protect their baby from harm and abuse. But it speaks volumes that anybody could possibly describe an innocent cuddle with a baby as 'inappropriate' or (wtf) 'unsafe'. As dawnsays it is a parental projection to think that a baby could possibly care about anything bar being warm, fed and safe. A cuddle with a friendly stranger may make you as a parent feel unhappy but it is neither inappropriate nor unsafe, and has sod all to do with your baby's bodily autonomy, because it has none! It is just a totally nonsensical term in this context. And as for the germs question a family member is just as likely to be full of germs as the lady in the cafe.

Slightly late to this thread but I'd thought if give you my experiences.

I hate anyone touching my kids. Okay that's not true I hate everyone touching dd (7 months). I have had panic attacks over family holding her. Is it normal no, but when you reach or grab a strangers child you have no idea what is going on in that persons world.

I was at a family BBQ during the summer (Dps family) and one of his relatives grabbed my dd off me, I had a complete meltdown, had a panic attack in front of everyone. My Dp had to get her back and I left with her to stop others touching her.

I'm currently in counselling to deal with my issues and I am getting better. I know this is probably what most people would say is an extreme case but you have no idea what that mum is dealing with.
Only my Dp and I know how bad I am, how over protective I am with her. Ds (2) I never had these feelings with, not that many people touched him but it wouldn't have bothered me.
I have to act like a 'cow or a pfb mum' in order to save myself from a panic attack. Dd loves chatting to people and is always smiling at strangers but I make sure she is kept away.

Dawn "Parental feelings regarding contact" Yes...that's personal boundaries as I said.

Zoe I have never not wanted someone to touch my baby because I think it's inappropriate or unsafe. I just don't like it.

There's a difference. And as my babies are just that...mine...I get t decide.

Hi Penguin, I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time and hope the counselling is helping you. What is great is that you know you are overreacting and are actively seeking help. I wish you and your family all the very best. Oh and I think you are very brave posting about your experiences here.

ThedementedPenguin How do you react if strangers keep their distance, but smile at your daughter? I have been glared at so many times for simply smiling at a cute baby or toddler and don't understand the thinking behind that reaction.

Yes....I agree with Katie very brave Penguin for sharing.

Many women experience some MH issues after having children. SO its not hard to try to be more sensitive around new babies.

www.parenting.com/article/what-your-baby-knows-about-you

Babies really do care about who is holding them. They know mum's smell from a few days old and her voice from before they are born. As a baby my daughter would scream if out of my arms, even with family. Babies aren't dolls or toys. They aren't there to be used to cheer up/satisfy everyones needs to experience the baby. Even if the baby doesn't mind, it should be enough for anyone to accept their parent(s) do. Mums have instincts to, one of which is to feel protective. Why would anyone put their own desire to touch a baby above the feelings of the baby and its mother.

*I think there's a big difference between a virtual stranger picking up your baby and kissing it and someone giving a baby a finger to hold/stroking a cheek/ruffling the hair of a toddler.

The first is intrusive. The second is totally normal human behaviour.*

this.

No. It's not normal for everyone. Therefore it's not normal.

But that is a bizarre and prescriptive view of what 'normal' means.
Normal doesn't mean every single time. It means it's average, expected, most likely, unremarkable.

It is normal.
People might have reasons why they don't or can't conform to that but it actually is normal.
Finding ways to respect people who have a strong aversion is perfectly reasonable.
But equally talking about people who reach out to touch a child as a simple human instinct as if they are hostile or insensitive is pretty confrontational.

I do know both sides. My son doesn't like being touched as I thread upthread. But I think it would be a choice to decide to regard the people who reach out to touch him as rude or insensitive or unfeeling. A choice.

Pag and yet I think that it's bizarre that some folk think it's normal to touch stranger's babies. So WHO is normal and who isn't?

It is NOT normal to me. It IS to you.

Therefore neither can be classed as normal. It is perception based.

I am not discounting your view. I hope my post doesn't suggest i am.
In your personal view may be it is not normal. But society thinks it is normal. Most of the world thinks its normal. That's not perception based, that's reality. So it's a normal human response to seeing a baby/toddler.

My son thinks getting completely naked to pee is normal. I think enjoying ironing is normal. But those things are not normal. not in terms of how the world around me mostly see it.

Maybe the world is changing though.

Not so long ago it was normal for children to be made to sit on Santa's knee in the grotto whether they wanted to or not. It was normal to be made to give your Aunty a kiss...even when you didn't want to.

I don't think it SHOULD be normal for strangers to feel they CAN touch a baby they don't know.

I think they should ask.

"Can I hold his hand?"

How hard is that?

I also find it odd when friends tell their DC to ""Kiss Claw goodbye"

I don't particularly WANT to kiss a snotty toddler....and why SHOULD she be told to kiss me?

Kisses should come naturally. Not by request unless it';s your immediate family. Same with grabbing babies or poking their hands or ruffling their hair.

And another...you'd not touch someone else's bag or phone....so why touch their baby?

You'd HOPEFULLY not touch my stomach if I were pregnant....so why think you may touch my baby once it's out?

It's just weird!

I think telling a child to kiss someone is unreasonable actually. But until I start seeing children regularly recoil from an outstretched hand I will continue to assume that their often reaching bak or grinning broadly or handing you a shoe or a toy, means that most of the world likes it.

When people approach DS, even from very small, he instinctively turned away. He learnt, even with his autim, to signal subtly that he didn't welcome touch. It has never been a problem. People have reached towards him and seen his reaction and pulled back, or seen him shrug the touch off and apologised or asked about it. It's never been hostile or confrontational.
And because I didn't react, because I didn't loudly articulate anything that suggested that touch was bad he has become less anxious about it. That has made his life outside the home less scary, less traumatic and has made visits to the doctor, standing on a crowded tube and being with grandma much more enjoyable.

I didn't loudly tell him to assert his right to live within a human exclusion zone and his life is the richer for it. At the age of 18 he asks for hugs.
Cementing the right to avoid human contact is not, IMHO a good thing. Human contact is there for comfort, for wordless empathy and sympathy and I have a huge, probably emotional revulsion at those who glory in severing that, in making normal such a societal disconnect.

Pag if we're talking toddlers in prams who reach out towards a smiling face then fine...that child IS making a motion towards contact. But brand new babies? No. People need to keep their hands to themselves.

Tiny babies can't turn or give subtle signs but their parents CAN and should if they don't like it.