To Expect a Vegetarian Option at Christmas Lunch?

[HedgePony]

I am a vegetarian but for the last two Christmasses at my MiL's house, there has been nothing for me to eat at Christmas lunch! Literally all I can have is the peas! (I can't eat the potatoes as they are cooked in the goose fat and I can't eat the stuffing as it is cooked inside the goose.)

Then, for supper, there is only scraps - i.e. whatever is leftover from lunch and whatever else might be in the fridge. For everyone else this means cold goose or turkey, cold ham, cold pigs in blankets, etc. For me, this means wilted old salad and a wedge of cheese if I am lucky.

The first year, I thought it must have been an oversight (although I was upset about it as I had only had DD a few weeks before and was breastfeeding so I needed to eat). But when it happened again the next year, I was actually really upset.

I don't get on with MiL very well and she is quite a passive-aggressive person. So I sort of think maybe she is doing it on purpose. (Money is absolutely no object for her and I don't think it's that she doesn't have time either - she pretty much does the minimum for Christmas lunch/buys ready made stuff.)

I have on occasions when staying there taken veggie tarts, etc with me, but I am not sure if I should do this (as a host, I would be embarrassed if a guest felt they had to bring their own food!).

I should probs help more in the kitchen tbh but then I am busy looking after DD and I do help a bit.

Am I being unreasonable?!

[girliefriend]

at this thread.

It is so obviously unreasonable behaviour, it is rude and really quite nasty to deliberately not ensure you have enough to eat. That is basic good manners.

If your husband is too pathetic hopeless scared to say something then just don't go.

[Whippet81]

Wow how horrid.

I would be mortified if any of my guests went hungry - I would probably call you and ask you want you wanted as I have zero imagination but I would go and get it for you and do you some extra veg and potatoes away from the meat. I wouldn't dream of having you bring something - not like she doesn't already know and it's going to be sprung on her.

I can't believe your husband let you sit there with a plate of peas!

[elQuintoConyo]

What a bunch of fuckwits, quite frankly.

Tell her to fuck off. Or I will, if you like

[BigChocFrenzy]

Outrageous treatment of a guest !
For a vegetarian / vegan, I would cook a festive veggy dish in a separate oven to the meat, no problem. And I have several different veg anyway.
She either doesn't want you there, or thinks she can "cure" you of being a vegetarian.

BFing on peas ! Your DH should have taken you straight back home the first year, not wimped out to his mummy. Was he 16 ?

Right: Take your own dishes, preferably pre-cooked, so you just reheat in the microwave (I know, not ideal).
And guard your food the whole time, so she doesn't helpfully pour meat fat or gravy over it.

[HedgePony]

Honestly, DH is the most lovely man you could imagine! It's really not his fault - he sees the best in everyone and, if that's not possible to do, he just sticks his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening. It's just the way he's been brought up (and I think something to do with going to boarding school since the age of eight - everyone in his family is incredibly emotionally repressed). I cannot tell you how impossible it is to reason with his mother - it's a sort of long-running joke with others in the wider family and her social group. She's a real know-it-all and devious to boot.

[catsmother]

Well, she's full of the bloody festive spirit isn't she ?! ..... and your husband shouldn't have to be told/asked to speak to his mother ahead of time in order to ensure you are a) fed properly and b) fed with something just as enjoyable and delicious as everyone else will be enjoying.

Though TBH, sod that ..... if she can't/won't cater for you, and has made no move towards acknowledging this in a reasonable fashion as anyone who was "unsure" of what might be okay for you to eat would do, such as asking if you'd mind suggesting dishes if she couldn't fathom it out herself, AND, your husband seems to think it's okay for his wife to sit there feeling hungry and effectively be shut out of the .... well, what's the point really ? If he belatedly says anything now it won't alter the fact she's been rude and nasty.

I agree with everyone else who's suggested you stay at home instead. If DH wants to see his family (and what about yours?) maybe you could demonstrate how a considerate host should act by inviting the old cow to yours regardless of how unpleasant she's been to you. Kill her with kindness by regularly offering to top up her plate "are you sure you have enough MIL, is there anything I can get you, you will say if you want anything won't you MIL - I'd hate to see you leave the table hungry" and so on. (Maybe that last bit is a little pointed, but you get the gist).

Or you could offer her a vegetarian feast perhaps ......

[Eeeeekyeeek]

I'm more shocked at your husband than your vile MIL to be honest.

Why would he let the mother of his child sit there in his parents' house when they made her so clearly unwelcome without saying a word?

Because he's a spineless wimp. He lacks respect for you.

[FaFoutis]

Is she doing it because she doesn't like you? Or because she is an idiot?

[HedgePony]

We have been there for Christmas for the last two years as I don't really have my own family Christmas - my family are quite few and far between and disparate. DH loves his family and his family Christmasses, which is why we go there. We were going to go there this year too but if people are thinking she is doing it because she doesn't want me there, I had better have a re-think .

[FaFoutis]

Anthracite has a good point about the will though.

[Wantsunshine]

Your Dh was unbelievable that he ate and watched his breastfeeding wife eat peas. Must say this sounds like no upper class household to me. Must be new money! Take your own food or don't go.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Please stay home.

It's a vege meal not anything hard or difficult to understand. It can't be done wrong for any other reason than. on.purpose.

Make yourself a lovely vege banquet at home and relax.

[Bair]

Your husband does not sound like a lovely man. A lovely man does not sit quietly while his breast feeding wife sits hungry on Christmas Day.

[TheSpottedZebra]

Hedge, honestly you're deluded In your defence of your husband. I went to boarding school at 7(!). My famiIy is Incredibly emotionally repressed, I am perhaps the worst of all of us. It's not ok for your husband to let this happen.

I'd not let anyone sit at my table, hungry. Especially not family. Especially not at Xmas. And in no way in hell would I see a breastfeeding mother go hungry.

[SunshineDaisiesButterMellow]

I'm not sure I'd trust her with cooking for me if I was you. She might add non-vegetarian stuff to your meal just to revel in knowing what she did.

[HedgePony]

For those who asked, it was peas mixed in with chopped carrots! No other veg or anything else a veggie could eat. No starter either! So literally all I had for both years was peas with chopped carrots :-( and then pretty much nothing for supper.

Mintyy yes I name changed - how did you guess?! Didn't want to out myself!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

YANBU. Not one tiny bit U. Your husband, on the other hand, needs to grow a pair and make sure that his wife gets more to eat than just peas!

Frankly, if I were you, I would not be going this year, and I would tell your cowardycat dh that he should stay at home with you and your child - and tell his mum that you aren't coming to hers because she failed to provide a meal for you two Christmases on the trot!

If I knew a dinner guest was vegetarian, I would make sure they had something delicious to eat, whether it was Christmas dinner or just an ordinary potluck supper. And if it meant things were a bit more complicated, with getting things in and out of the oven, so be it.

And I can't see why it isn't possible to make a Christmas dinner where as much as possible is suitable for someone who is vegetarian - you can do the roast potatoes and parsnips in veg oil, because they are very nearly as delicious that way, make meat free stuffing etc, and serve a nut roast or veg tart alongside the goose.

[ApocalypseThen]

He's a lovely man though - but, no, would never stand up to his mother!

Surely it wouldn't have been beyond him to refuse the invitation the second year even if he couldn't bring himself to say anything about how disgraceful it was to have no food to offer you the first time? But to let it happen again? And expect you to tolerate it a third time? He's not lovely, he's a terrified child. How is he supposed to parent if he can't do something as simple as make sure his breast feeding wife has something to eat? What's he going to do when a genuinely hard to resolve issue arises?

[MaryWestmacott]

oh OP, sit him down and say it's horrible for you, and while you'd love ot see his family over Christmas, could you please have a nice day without it being ruined with no food for you (and say ruined!), as obviously your MIL doesn't want to cook food you can eat.

You could offer to have everyone over on boxing day, or another day between Christmas and new year, or do they live close enough that you could go over for tea (and take some things you can eat).

I would refuse to go. She is making her feelings for you clear.

[mrsruffallo]

YANBU I have lots of guests over Christmas, and while it's not on Christmas day itself, I just make delicious veggie food for everyone as there are a whole family of vegetarians who come. I would never treat a guest like that.

[FaFoutis]

Next time she comes to your house give her a plate of peas and carrots.

[Doilooklikeatourist]

She sounds as if she's a bit of a witch
Ideally stay at home and have your lovely family Christmas
Be passive aggressive yourself and sob at the table over your plate of frozen peas , then open your lunchbox full of lovely veggie festive treats
Or
Phone the witch your MIL on the 19th of December and remind her your veggie and say you're having a tesco delivery sent to hers full of lovely Christmas bits as it will make it easier for her ..

[Eminado]

This is so breathtakingly rude I actually don't know what to say!!!

As for your husband..... You were BREASTFEEDING!

[DoItTooJulia]

What did your DH say when he realised you had no real food at the dinner table? Did he ask if you were ok? did he realise?

[Autumn82]

This year, we are going to the MIL. I can't stand Turkey so am taking a steak to make for myself.