To wish DD wasn't quite so friendly?

[ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks]

She's 6 and she's quite loud, confident and chatty. Unlike me. My older DD is very reserved and quiet so DD2 is a bit of a mystery to me at times.

She will talk to ANYONE with the same degree of open friendliness as she does her mates, her teachers and her family.

Today we got a bus and it was a long wait on a lonely stretch of road in a rural village. A man came along to wait also.

It was raining and the bus shelter offered the only protection...it was a wooden one...you know with three sides and an open front.

Anyway, this man came inside and began smoking roll ups which I cannot abide the smell of...not to mention there were two children in the shelter.

I decided to ignore this and stood at the edge with the DC so they weren't breathing it in.

DD immediately catches his eye and begins chatting to him and I turn to look and he's just filthy dirty and smells of unwashed person...his clothes were tidy and clean looking but his hands were black and he has dirty nails and as I said he smelled really bad...and he just had the air of someone I didn't want to chat with on a dark night down a bloody lane.

I don't know what to do about this? Should her instinct about who to talk to and who not to talk to be in place by now? She turns 7 in March...or am I being awful and should I celebrate my non-judgemental child? He was "alsright" but I was unnerved by him...you know how you just are by some people? My instincts had sort of kicked in and I didn't want to engage with him but there was DD telling him about her singing lessons.

Because of DD breaking the ice I HAD to!

YABU and a bit of a snob.

Unless the man seemed to be intoxicated then I don't really get what your problem was?

I live in a city where there is quite a lot of poverty and lots of homeless people, my children have been known to strike up conversation with people who don't look/smell particularly great but I has never bothered me (unless the person appeared to be under the influence).

As long as your daughter knows not to speak to randomers when you're not around/take things from them/wander off with them then it's all good in my eyes maybe I'm just a shit parent

Unless the man seemed to be intoxicated then I don't really get what your problem was?

Maybe because you weren't there. Often the things that give us that feeling of unease are very hard to define. Which is why people ignore them so as not to appear snobbish and thereby get themselves into trouble.

Possibly a better TRICKY PEOPLE article.

"Which is why people ignore them so as not to appear snobbish and thereby get themselves into trouble."

Could you tell me some of the trouble people have got into by letting their child talk to someone at a bus stop while they are standing right next to them and about, presumably to get onto a bus?

SurfsUp read your post back. You said "judging someone because they are black" so no, that wasn't your point at all...

Dd is nearly eight and would have spoken to him. She's very familiar with people too. She won't talk to people she's unsure of though. This does not include the local alcoholic homeless guy. He spent twenty minutes showing her his tattoos and doesn't frighten her. Children are less judgemental.

Oh bless her she sounds delightful and will probably be one if those wonderful people who go abroad to help others. What a darling.

Op quite see your fears for her but remember she's still really young and she won't be going out alone for a few years yet when she will be more discerning and careful.

Isn't it fascinating that siblings brought up the same family can be polar opposites and be very different to their parents too.

Oh god, OP, sounds a bit like my younger sister when she was little! If mum and dad looked away for a second, she'd be climbing onto a stranger's lap to tell them her name, where she lived etc. Drove mum and dad nuts! Maybe just coach her on what not to say (where she lives, phone number, inviting them anywhere/accepting invitations). I do think some parents go too far when instilling "stranger danger" - most adults are safe to be around, even the smelly ones.

OP this is such a hard one, I have two super-friendly children who would, when that age, talk to anyone and everyone and trying to steer a path between openness to the world and people as well as protect them as they get older/towards teen years is a nightmare.

I think there can't be one right message for all children for all situations, they have to start using judgements. What is appropriate for a small child, sadly, won't work as a teen female or indeed male.

I have also taught them to check in with me- so if some guy asks them to help him look for their cat, then to ask me first. In that instance, the guy was very odd and seemed to have some active mental health problems, I expressed sympathy for the cat problem, said I would look out for it, and then moved the children away. I don't consider that discriminatory but kind to everyone- letting two girls run off with a slightly odd man to look for a cat wouldn't be good for either him or them.

I am also a big believer in trust your instincts. I have told my girls that you don't need to be extra polite to people. If someone sits next to you too close on the train,yes, they may have problems, but that is not YOUR problem. I think you can be kind, not judgmental, but still protect yourself. In that situation, I've trained them to politely but firmly move, the worst thing about girls is they are trained to be polite and not to make a fuss. I have told them you don't have to look disgusted, or say anything, or even make a big show of moving, just get off that train and wait for the next one/go in a different carriage. It's about being respectful to people but keeping safe.

A cute six year old chatting away to a homeless man selling the Big Issue may be a lovely interaction with the parent present, but allowing men you don't know to engage you in conversation or get you in difficult situations when you are 13 year old adult looking girl is not a good idea at all. It is about cultivating a sense of your own worth, it's not doing down others to move away if they seem unstable/dangerous/may be predatory.

I am minded of that video of the woman walking down the streets in New York being harassed over 100 times. How much more do you think she would have been harassed if she stopped and smile and interacted with everyone?

ClawHands. There is a song by Karine Polwart called "Daisy " which kind of chronicles your feelings. I expect it's on YouTube or Spotify or something similar.

SurfsUp read your post back. You said "judging someone because they are black" so no, that wasn't your point at all

I said "because you don't like to think of yourself as judging someone because they're black."

That's some pretty nifty cropping of my sentence to make it fit your point!

My point is that people can often ignore their gut reaction to a person because their conscious brain is telling them that they are not the sort of person who would be so judgemental, even though the gut reaction is probably based on factors totally unrelated to the obvious physical traits our conscious mind sees.

My DM could have written this post!! She says I was born talking...she is an introvert and found me quite hard work...I will literally talk to anyone...I am now 52 and for years I have questioned myself about my gobshite/chatterbox personality...I have good friends and they don't seem to mind/love me for who I am...I am probably trying to say to OP that I never came to any harm...and I travelled Europe in the 80s by myself and had a year in South America...Teach her about safety, who is safe to talk to...but you wont stop her talking without making her unhappy...people have criticized me for non stop chatter in the past...I just went quiet..I cant NOT talk....

And whilst this is anonymous can I just tell you this story....My family were at a passing out ceremony for my DS(Navy)...quite posh, sit down meal for 30 people...I breezed in, introducing myself and my family and generally chatting....had a great night...near the end a man in full uniform came over and thanked me for 'bringing the group together'! He said that at the last event nobody talked and it was a dismal, boring night...I went red as I am so aware what a gobshite I am but pleased all the same..

As a nanny I think my chattiness is a positive...all my families think the reason why their DCs talked so well now is because I never shut up!!!But at the same time I am completely aware what a nightmare I must be for some people...Although this seems all about me I just want OP to know that I turned out OK!

I used to talk to everyone and anyone and I'm fine! my mum loved it, and Dsis did the same and so does DN. We're a bunch of chatty girlies
Of course, there is more paranoia out now, what if he'd been working? All my family smoke so my mother wouldn't have minded and neither would I if it was my child. He may have been a builder who's gotten changed at work and was going home? not getting on the bus in filthy clothing? You never know! YANBU to not want her to speak to people, but YAB a bit U for being judgey

I didn't worry about my DS talking to people because they were homeless, men, looked dirty or anything else like that tbh.

I worried because it was apparent that he lacked the social skills to see when someone was not interested in talking to him at all, even outright ignoring him or laughing at him (older kids) whilst he chattered away happily to them.

I feared that he may end up being bullied by older kids who could see that he was a bit socially naive (and would now know exactly where he lived, his phone number and how much money he had in his pocket because he'd just told the entire park). I'm not a paranoid or anxious person, I don't think everyone is the park is a potential paedophile... but I can tell very clearly when the lady in the shop is trying to politely extricate herself from a conversion with a child who is not pausing for breath and just talking over her, as she tries to get back to work!

I would worry about this in the context of a 12 year old ready to leave the house on her own.

A six-year old is always under the care of an adult, so I think it's a non-issue. I can imagine it's a bit embarrassing when the receiver is clearly not interested, but to be honest I would prioritize my child's feelings over the strangers boredom under these circumstances.

A child treating a homeless person "normally" is a pretty special thing and not to be discouraged IMO.

OP, your daughter sounds lovely.

Would she be old enough to understand having a code phrase? Like "DD, did you see Denise at the park on Saturday?" which could let her know that she needs to end the conversation without being obvious. You could then explain to her at home why you wanted her to stop - the man made Mummy nervous, the lady didn't want to chat, etc.

"but I can tell very clearly when the lady in the shop is trying to politely extricate herself from a conversion with a child who is not pausing for breath and just talking over her, as she tries to get back to work!"

Surely then you just say "come along, say goodbye and thank you to the lady and let's leave her to get back to work- she's too busy to chat to us all day"