To wish DD wasn't quite so friendly?

[ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks]

She's 6 and she's quite loud, confident and chatty. Unlike me. My older DD is very reserved and quiet so DD2 is a bit of a mystery to me at times.

She will talk to ANYONE with the same degree of open friendliness as she does her mates, her teachers and her family.

Today we got a bus and it was a long wait on a lonely stretch of road in a rural village. A man came along to wait also.

It was raining and the bus shelter offered the only protection...it was a wooden one...you know with three sides and an open front.

Anyway, this man came inside and began smoking roll ups which I cannot abide the smell of...not to mention there were two children in the shelter.

I decided to ignore this and stood at the edge with the DC so they weren't breathing it in.

DD immediately catches his eye and begins chatting to him and I turn to look and he's just filthy dirty and smells of unwashed person...his clothes were tidy and clean looking but his hands were black and he has dirty nails and as I said he smelled really bad...and he just had the air of someone I didn't want to chat with on a dark night down a bloody lane.

I don't know what to do about this? Should her instinct about who to talk to and who not to talk to be in place by now? She turns 7 in March...or am I being awful and should I celebrate my non-judgemental child? He was "alsright" but I was unnerved by him...you know how you just are by some people? My instincts had sort of kicked in and I didn't want to engage with him but there was DD telling him about her singing lessons.

Because of DD breaking the ice I HAD to!

'I'm also surprised that you would say that combat would stop you judging people'

She said judging people on appearance. Not judging people at all. It's very different.

'I would say they are the most likely to be able to accurately spot on sight the arsehole in the room that the rest of us won't notice until he does something horrible'

But they're looking at behaviour. They'll likely have had some training in body language. If not training, experience of 'reading' people. I guarantee your police friends can't spot as asshole from his shoes/hands/teeth. No-one has said they don't judge people, just not based on clothing/dirty hands.

Add message | Report | Message poster ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:33:44
Surf It's like she didn't even see the things about him which might make most children recoil a bit..she didn't react to the smell or his filthy (and I MEAN filthy) hands...she just saw someone to talk to.

I would have agreed with you surf but then the Op said that ^^

OP here...Oh there's been a lot of action since I went last night! I want to say this before I read...this man was NOT a "Gardener" or a man who worked in another messy job.

The smell and the dirt was old. My DH has a physical and mucky job and the DC and me would never judge a man or woman covered in the muck of their working day. Very different thing. Now I'll read the thread!

'we'll never know whether rightly or not'

Well we do know that he did nothing to them. They got the bus and got home ok. So, you know innocent until proven guilty and all that. There is absolutely no evidence to support the OP's gut. The evidence points to the DD being right.

OP I wouldn't bother reading it. It went off on a mad tangent that has got nothing to do with your OP!

Eve I'm just letting you know with my last post that I KNOW the difference between the smell of a man who'se worked all day and a man who hasn't washed for a year. It's a very distinctive smell.

It was a combination of the dirt and something I couldn't put my finger on which made me uncomfortable.

...and yet he had on clean and tidy clothes. Weird dat.

Surfs, I said wearing combats. I've been judged as a lesbian, a man hater, a bully, thick, scary and dangerous simply because my uniform is disruptive pattern material. I'm none of those things .

I am very good at reading people, through their actions, demeanor and body language. But their clothes? Not so much.

(And I never would have got together with DH if I judged on appearance or smell - trust me, nothing smells as bad as a man who's been stuck inside a tank for a week with no respite )

It has gone off at a mad tangent! OP really needs guidance on what to do with a very friendly child to make her risk assess without frightening her. It is difficult because I don't think that ticktacktoegivemeago is very helpful on 'my older children know not to talk to strangers'- that is really quite rude and unfriendly and they will some day have to talk to strangers- they won't always be with her.
I think OP that you need to make sure that she knows that being friendly is OK, especially when you are with her, but that she never trusts or goes off with a stranger because not all people are nice. If you are lucky enough to have a confident, friendly child you don't want to inhibit her in the general everyday way.

Probably the biggest lesson from it is that you can't make the 'nice'/' not nice' distinction from appearances and that you need to be in your guard as the really nasty people can be quite clean, attractive and friendly. Impress upon her that being friendly is fine- just never go off with strangers.

OP, I know where you are coming from as my DS is just the same! He will chat to anyone (sometimes regardless of whether they wanted to chat or not ). He would happily tell everyone just how much he had in his bank account, his address, all sorts... I had a few talks with him about safety and not giving out too much personal info, and he is a lot better now at 9. Still talks the hind legs anyone who will listen in shops though . It's part of what makes him so sweet and I hated to disillusion him about the world but he seems unscarred.

Eve Yes it was weird. His clothing looked new...and his skin, hands and nails and face and neck were really dirty and he did stink.

DD outshone herself today by sitting on Santa's knee in the grotto despite that obviously not being protocol.

All the other DC just walked up to him, had their chat and recieved a gift then went. DD went over, hopped on his knee and sat there!

She's very skinny luckily so she didn't squash him and he was a big Santa...but he looked at me like "is that ok?" and I just shrugged! he seemed quite pleased at her friendliness and had a laugh with her.

I have found that now I'm a bit older little kids talk to me even more. A teeny girl made my day by saying your a very nice lady to me in the street a few days ago and giving me a lovely smile. I was hobbling about with bad back pain at the time and it brightened my day immeasurably.

It does make people's day. My grandfather loved chatting to small children. I would never have a blanket ban of talking to strangers-it is very rude and unfriendly and doesn't teach the child anything.

She sounds like a lovely kid, and as another poster said above, as she gets older, and more aware, she will probably curb it a bit, in terms of chatting to all and sundry.

In my discussion with bulb though she only mentioned clothing and physical appearance (plaid, bad teeth, fat etc.).

I don't think bulb is saying that, because she's talking about actively teaching her children to judge based on whether people are fat or have dirty hands.

You're either not particularly bright are you? I specifically said "Yes, physical appearance isn't everything but it is an important part of the big picture. Body language, voice tone, eye contact all factor in as well".

I find it mildly amusing the mental gymnastics you use to make yourself correct here.

As I said, I'm really not all that fussed if you teach your children to be so "non-judgmental" they feel they need to ignore instincts to not be rude. You're just teaching them that it's only ok to have a bad feeling the person is well dressed. If they think a person looks odd, they're going to try and ignore instincts because you, against all sane logic are trying to teach them to ignore the whole picture unless they have a "blood splattered shirt" or "are naked or wearing a Blobby costume".

OP, your DD sounds a lot like my DD and it can be a real pain. We have an agreement that if i ruffle her hair i really don't want her talking to that person and i will explain why when we get home/somewhere away from them, it might be worth agreeing some similar code with your DD, that way she can carry on chatting to harmless strangers but you have a way to tell her when not to.

"OP, your DD sounds a lot like my DD and it can be a real pain."

I really,really don't understand why. What possible harm can talking to someone cause?

Where I live it can do a lot of harm Hak, 99% of the people she talks to are fine and I quite enjoy the smiles you see when she talks to people but there is a real problem with drug addicts around here and there has been a couple of times where the person she's spoken to is off their face and actually quite aggressive. I wouldn't stop her talking to someone just because they were a bit dirty, scruffy or smelly but there are some people you don't want a 6 year old talking to.

I really,really don't understand why. What possible harm can talking to someone cause?

Because children, unlike most adults, can't read other signals. They don't always understand the difference between friendly chatter and a stranger getting too familiar. It's easier to persuade a child to walk off with you if you've chatted with them for a moment. I've done it (to take them to the security center to find their parents!).

Talking is fine while with an adult, but they don't always translate over to when they're alone or loosely supervised like in the backyard or park to not talk to strangers who could get information. All it takes is a friendly conversation to ask about school, let them tell all about it, then ask what school they go to.

All sorts of things wrong with a child thinking it's ok to talk to strangers without parents approving first. They're small, they're vulnerable, and they don't understand the nuances of body language and facial expressions to accurately assess danger. So while it's fine for an adult to just humor a person, it's not for a child. There's just a bigger risk, so it's better to teach them stranger danger and no touch then as they get older teach them about exceptions to the rule when they're mature enough to understand.

SurfsUp there is a massive difference between someone making you feel uneasy because they are black, and a person making you uneasy who happens to be black.

I can't believe how judgemental some of you are being - why on earth would you want your child to instantly take a dislike to someone because they are a bit dirty and smelly? It's not about feeling uneasy around someone, it's about feeling uneasy because someone is dirty and smelly, which imo is absolutely fucking disgusting.

Has she read "Mr Stink"? Shed love that book.

It's easier to persuade a child to walk off with you if you've chatted with them for a moment

That is another issue entirely. I did not want to emphasize stranger-danger too much to my daughter but I told she was never to go with anyone without telling me first.

"it's better to teach them stranger danger"

Stranger danger is a ridiculous thing to teach them. "Not going off with anyone without telling mum first" is the thing to teach them. Then they can safely talk to whoever they like because they are with their mum which presumably they always will be when they are 6.

SurfsUp there is a massive difference between someone making you feel uneasy because they are black, and a person making you uneasy who happens to be black.

That's pretty much my point.

TRICKY PEOPLE

Much better option than Stranger Danger.