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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upsetting situation.

166 replies

Selinasupreme · 18/11/2014 18:47

So me and a relative have fallen out over something and usually when this happens I extend the olive branch even if I feel like ive done nothing wrong but I just can't see how this is acceptable.

My relative is pregnant with her first child conceived via IVF and all is well, we are all over the moon she is 8 months pregnant, I very recently conceived a child after my wedding and was told during an early scan that I have probably had a MMC so the prenancy might not progress.

During this time my relative has fallen out with me and told me I got married (to my partner of 5 years and father of my 16mo ds) to overshadow her pregnancy and that I then conceived a child to overshadow her pregnancy and the "misscarriage thing" is another way to get attention off everyone. I don't really like attention and am a very private person but I expected people close to me to be supportive during a hard time for me or at least if they can't be supportive to be civil.

So it gets worse, the day after I had the scan I got a text off this relative saying another close relative was 12 weeks pregnant, everything was a bit raw but I was happy to hear the news, then she text me saying "I was only joking she isn't pregnant really" and then started sending me texts asking what I had been doing to plan her baby shower and wanted to know about the decor as she didn't want it to clash with her Christmas decorations.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything similar to this? I would really appreciate an outsiders perspective.

OP posts:
AliceLidl · 19/11/2014 17:04

I knew it was going to be your sister OP, I'm sorry she's being so awful.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, and thanks to everyone else too. My relative is my MIL.

How are you today OP?

SlimJiminy · 19/11/2014 17:19

You wouldn't put up from it with anyone else, so why put up with it from your own sister? Because she's family? No way! My siblings would have to do a LOT for me to cut contact with them, but this would be enough. If you think your parents will have a hard time accepting it, you could write them a letter to explain your reasons - you get to say your piece without interruption and without causing an argument?!

MonstrousRatbag · 19/11/2014 17:22

It is awful how bad behaviour often gets you better treatment because people want to avoid confrontations. I say just drop her. It couldn't be worse than putting up with the abuse and manipulation is is currently doling out.

Wishtoremainunknown · 19/11/2014 17:29

Jesus what a vile vile person. I'd never ever speak to her again if I were you.

CruCru · 19/11/2014 18:23

Dude, she sounds mental. I hope things go well for you.

Only1scoop · 19/11/2014 18:26

No have never experienced anything like that but to be honest would drop such poisonous 'friends' etc like a brick.

Sorry to hear about your Mc....

Boomtownsurprise · 19/11/2014 18:30

Fuck her sideways with a cattle prod

She's a bee-atch

I've never thought this before but NC defo.

So sorry.... Flowers

Boomtownsurprise · 19/11/2014 18:32

Sensitive but if unsure, take a preg test. As the hormones go it will stop turning blue...

My gp told me that after Id begged for hospital. At least it gave me a clue it was not possible quicker than waiting. I'm so so sorry

Original poster
Selinasupreme · 19/11/2014 19:53

My parents do just think I'm being unreasonable for not planning the baby shower and seem to think the scan looked bad because I exaggerated the weeks of my pregnancy and as a result the baby is to small to see. Because I live far away they hear her side of the story first and see her "crying" and just hear me on the phone saying I'm ok or that I don't want to talk to her because I don't want an argument and they probably see me as the careless one. Who knows. She has a habit of telling me everyone in my life hates me including my friends. Yes she is my sister, I'm wondering if now everything is going well for her, she's on mat leave, just bought a house and is having a baby she's running out of things to garner sympathy from (IVF, not getting a mortgage, not liking job) so is losing control and has to create a family feud and "her or me" situation to Gain that control back that used to be there as a result of people treading on eggshells so as not to upset her.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 19/11/2014 20:00

I knew it. It couldn't be anyone else.

She sounds fucking vile, you on the other hand do not OP. Whatever you do, do NOT give out an olive branch this time.

It sounds like your parents are afraid of her and her reactions. They need to grow a pair and stick up for you. Are you seriously meant to put your life on hold until her is fabulous, then you can resume yours?! Are you also never allowed to have troubles because she clearly has the monopoly on a hard life! Tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck and tell your parents that this is jotr your doing and you will hear no more about her from them at all. You deserve better especially when you are going through a difficult time yourself. Flowers

CruCru · 19/11/2014 20:03

Well, apart from anything else, that just plain sounds exhausting.

When speaking with your parents, it may be worth saying that she has been particularly unkind and you think that you could do with some distance from her. She had told you not to plan the baby shower and now you're not - in any case, it really isn't appropriate for a miscarrying woman to plan a baby shower. If your mother thinks it important, she can arrange it.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 19/11/2014 20:06

Don't allow this nastiness to invade your space. It is good that you live far from your parents. Well done for making your own life and living your own story. Keep doing it, she only gets to have the space on the page that you allow her. It is OK to not like your relatives if they are not nice.....

spiderlight · 19/11/2014 20:08

Boomtownsurprise Sadly that doesn't always give a true picture. I did a positive test several weeks after my baby had died.

LoisHatesChristmas · 19/11/2014 20:15

OP that is appalling Sad Please do yourself a favour and just go no contact for at least a week or two if not forever. (Easier said than done with family, I know).

PerpendicularVincenzo · 19/11/2014 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 19/11/2014 20:22

So sorry you're trying to deal with this at the same time as a MMC. Cut off your family for a while as you recover, they aren't going to help you, contact will only make things worse. No olive branches, just tell your parents you dont want to drag them into it, but she's gone too far this time and you're done with her turning everything into a drama, especially as this time isn't not something that's happening to her.

Can you spend Christmas with your DH's family and just not see them for a while? Get some time away, don't call, don't answer the phone, delete all e-mails and text messages without a response.

If she wants drama, refuse to give it to her. Let her find a new 'target' - and sadly she will. If you have nothing to do with any of them for the time being, it won't really matter what she says to anyone.

Give yourself some time to heal, focus on your DH and DD, are your PIL supportive? My MIL was a true treasure when I had a MC, my mother on the otherhand, managed to create a drama turning my MC into all about her, my relationship with her has never fully recovered.

(Also, don't assume a postive pregnancy test means you've not MCed, sadly I still had positive ones after seeing the baby go.)

Vikingbiker · 19/11/2014 21:14

Can you go no contact for a short while every time she's awful. Only have contact and interact if she's nice. She will learn

Aeroflotgirl · 19/11/2014 21:58

n/c she is blooming nasty and awful. Poor you op, how are you?

AliceLidl · 20/11/2014 00:25

She may enjoy the feud OP, you are right.

I know that my PILs would like to regain contact with me but the fact that I refuse at least gives them the chance to gain sympathy and attention from everybody else.

Which is the main thing they want, a drama with them at the centre of it, preferably looking tragic.

I read the Susan Forward books, Toxic In-Laws and Toxic Parents and they were very enlightening on how people like my PILs operate.

There was one story that really resonated with me. A man had won a trip of a lifetime on a radio competition that allowed him and his girlfriend to go on a Christmas skiing holiday. Instead of being pleased for him, his mother started crying and laid a guilt trip on him about how Christmas was ruined so there was no point in celebrating or cooking a meal etc. His siblings got involved and also made him feel bad. He went on the holiday but didn't enjoy it, however his mother was happy even with him not their because she had the result she wanted. All her other children were making a big fuss of her and fighting with him, she was the centre of attention, he was guilty for upsetting her and she got to feel in control even without him being there with her.

My PILs are definitely like this and I wonder if your sister is too. That's part of what I meant when I said your other relatives may take sides. It's easier for them to take the side of the most difficult person, because it keeps them out of the firing line. And that person gets to be the drama queen even if she's not getting exactly what she wants/claims to want.

Original poster
Selinasupreme · 20/11/2014 07:16

I can't tell you how much better i feel for having some advice. I'm ok this morning I have my scan tommorow so today will be a bit weird but I have a busy day an important meeting at work which should take my mind off it. I don't really have supportive inlaws, in the past they have been quite dreadful but for now they are tolerable and that's all I ask in a relationship with anyone really. As long as they aren't actively trying to make my life a misery right now then that's positive.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 20/11/2014 08:25

selina I am so sorry for what you are going through and hope tomorrow brings you some positive news!!

my sister likes to be a drama llama too although I am actually thanking my lucky stars she isn't as vile as yours after reading this!

Angelwings11 · 20/11/2014 09:49

I have posted previously, but wanted to add a few things. I cannot believe that you are not really supported by your parents. I think AliceLidl makes a good point about them being 'toxic'. I have had little contact with my parents/sister over the last year, because they were toxic. Although, it was difficult to begin with, as I had a low opinion of myself; it has ultimately been the most empowering thing that I have ever done. We will eventually have a relationship, but it will be on my terms only.

Even if you continue to jump through hoops to keep them happy, they will find fault with something. The more you allow them to control you through guilt etc, the more it will sap your energy and the cycle will continue. You at this time are going through a very difficult time. It is now time to put yourself first (and no this is not selfish) and stop contact with them all. Your silence will speak volumes. They may try to make you feel guilty, they may even try to antagonise you but just don't engage in any negativity. You can do this and the unnaminious support from PP and your DH should give you the confidence to do this.

Hope it goes well tomorrow.

Wishing you well

mix56 · 20/11/2014 09:57

In the light of these last few postings, I suppose the best thing is just to ignore her without actively telling her she is a manipulative scheming bitch (sp ?) No point in letting her ostracize you from your other family members either.
Wishing you the best for tomorrow, its time to look after yourself, she & her shower can veritably take a hike. Anyway, in order to have a shower you have to have friends ! QED

MonstrousRatbag · 20/11/2014 11:51

Yes, good luck for tomorrow. Look after yourself. If it helps to have your DP intercept contacts from your parents and sister then do that for a while to try and get a breathing space.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 20/11/2014 12:07

Please do not extend the olive branch to your sister as she will just see it as carte blanche to continue to treat you so very horribly. You need to step back from her toxicity and look after yourself. Wishing you lots of luck tomorrow xxx

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