AIBU about Christmas?

[AmericanFanjoStory]

This may be long, so for that I sincerely apologise...!

I'm the NRP to my 3yo DS, I have him 3 days a week and occasionally over weekends. I live with my DP and this Christmas will be the first Christmas together as a couple. It also transpires that my parents and my younger brother are without a place to go this year so I've said that we'd happily have them down. I'm also going to be having my son from 4pm through until the 27th, and so this is a massive deal for me. I love Christmas and for the first time ever I am hosting Christmas in my house and I'll have my family with me rather than being on my own/with ex-p's mum and dad.

Trouble is - my DP hates Christmas. And by "hate" I mean "loathes with all the depths of Tartarus"... He will not discuss it, he will not participate in discussions, he will not be cooking dinner, he has steadfastly told me that I have to buy my own Christmas presents, wrap them, and then give them to myself - he won't even write the gift label! - and he won't watch Christmas films or listen to Christmas music.

He has explained that, due to various traumas and stigmas growing up, that he hates Christmas, and I'm trying really hard to accept that. But I adore Christmas, so my compromise has been that I'll tone it down if he puts up with it with minimal complaint. He then countered that he'll "pretend to care", but only when my son is around. I was okay with that.

Cut to yesterday. I bought my son his own Magic Key for Santa to use. He loves the idea, ExP has one, my mum has one, and its considered a tradition nowadays. Well DS showed DP it, all excited, and DPs response was to tell him that it wasn't necessary because Santa is magic anyway so I'm silly for buying it, as I should "know better"...

He claims that was him trying to get involved and now doesn't know why I'm so furious with him - I'm angry because he could have gone along with it for 30 seconds until it had passed rather than calling me out on being an idiot in front of my boy - and that if I'm that annoyed at his "participating" then he isn't going to tolerate Christmas any more. Even tried convincing me to take the tree down... (yes my tree is up...no I don't care! :D)

Christmas is a massive part of me, and of my life, and I can happily go along with anything that he likes that I don't, why can't he do that for me IYSWIM?

I've tried being understanding and sympathetic towards his feelings, but it's seeming like he doesn't care about my feelings so why should I give a damn about his? Has anyone got any ideas on how I can go forward with this?

gamerchick... I'm sure your post will make the OP feel heaps better and not judged at ALL.

The fact is OP has chosen to bring this man into her home, hasn't said anything about asking him to leave and expects this man to change. He's been upfront about hating Christmas. Unless you've been there, you don't know how deep-rooted that can be. OP could do many things including asking him to leave over the holiday period, she hasn't. OP has taken pains to explain that he's not always like this and that they've had many conversations about it.

It's up to OP to manage this - either with him in the picture, or out of it. Only she knows what she's going to do and she's had some good suggestions for managing this rather than the Omni-present LTB, which she is obviously not prepared to do.

... oh, and if you read OP's updates, the family are NOT coming down now.

And if you read my post properly I was referring to those saying put her man's feelings first and foremost.

I did,gamerchick. I also went back through the thread and - including my own posts that are empathetic to this situation - can find nobody suggesting that OP should put her man's feelings first and foremost. In fact, most have said exactly the opposite. There are less than half a dozen posters suggesting coping strategies to try to help the whole family.

Believe me, Christmas-melancholy is horrible and yes, adults can suck it up to a degree, but it's very hard when you live with an 'elf' who puts trees up in November and thinks this is fine and dandy. I find that quite selfish.

Yes the family is not coming to the OPs now The OP has changed her usual behaviour to accomodate him. Womens Aid see this as a red flag.

If you were working in a school and a kid came in and said the xmas tree was having to be kept in his bedroom and they wernt allowed to mention xmas around his stepdad/mums partner most ppl would think that was strange and that there may be abuse going on and it would be flagged up and he would be noted as a child to keep an eye on.

And before anyone comes up with the argument of kids of Jehovahs Witnesses dont celebrate Xmas you cant compare the two situations because kids of JWs are brought up with that notion right from the start not expected to change a quarter of the way through childhood.

Ridiculous. In our house, tree goes up in December. I don't mind if it's one minute past 12 on the 1st but no earlier. There's just no need for it. We indulge our children plenty but they don't get everything they want and, if one of them wanted a tree in November, they'd have a little tiny one in their bedroom twinkling at them. So far, they are sane and happy to wait. It's much more special to actually have Christmas things at Christmas.

If I were a NRP I would be having Christmas my way with my child. I think it is very worrying the OP is now scaling back, no family visiting (why the heck not?), changing plans, trying to accommodate this guy- no-one is really asking him to do anything except not be rude to a small child!

I also think the problem is is that she's only known him just over 6 months, and now, living together, all the normal problems and negotations of really getting to know the person are becoming visible. This doesn't sound so great to me.

I don't accept the argument he's traumatised by Christmas at all, and if he is, and this causes him to be mean in Nov, perhaps he's a bad choice all round.

I don't much love Christmas, it's not my favourite time of year, but I support my family to have the Christmas they love and I keep my thoughts to myself (or offload to a friend)- that's what parents do. He's not one and it sounds like he doesn't fancy changing at all to become one, what kind of meanie thinks it is ok to actively tell a three year old he doesn't need a Magic Key because he's magic and even worse, that the OP was wrong to buy it.

I can't believe anyone is saying indulge this- I'd be saying, I'm a single parent, I am having my child and family over for Christmas, I'll put my tree up when I like, if you want to be involved, fine, if not there's the door. My priority is my child. If that isn't established very early on, the OP will be in all sorts of trouble.

LyingWitch : just to say, I don't have a furball, but that did make me laugh, thank you.

I was just trying to express my feelings towards the Grinch. I keep imagining him dressed as an elf, sitting in the corner with a look of utter misery on his face, whilst op and her son eat, drink and be merry.

All together now...
"Away in a manger, the tree's up too soon
I'm sad so you must hide it in the bedroom....."

You are nice, dusters, that was cheeky of me.

Your description of the Grinch makes me smile. I'm not particularly Christmassy-inclined but my husband is like Santa and I do my absolute best. For me, I remember the Christmases at home with my mum crying because my dad wouldn't help and I had this knot of misery in my stomach the whole time. My mum's forgotten all that, I never have.

However, moving on to your excellent tune - if pinch the first line... ahem!

"Away in a manger, the three's up too soon.
It's NOVEMBER, not DECEMBER
And it's making me fume.
Bless all the decorations,
I guess they must stay?
Please pass me the valium,
And make it all go AWAY.."

Wishing you a fab Christmas, dusters... yes, in NO-frigging-VEMBER!

Thank you LyingWitch, my very first Christmas greetings to you.

Your phrase about "knot of misery in my stomach". I'm so sorry that was your experience and now your memory. Your kind, generous efforts for your husband are absolutely what most people on here are suggesting the dp does for the op.

As for your re-worked carol - inspired !! I think this could be the start of a whole new thread..."Silent night, holy night, no more nuts my jeans are too tight".