AIBU about Christmas?

[AmericanFanjoStory]

This may be long, so for that I sincerely apologise...!

I'm the NRP to my 3yo DS, I have him 3 days a week and occasionally over weekends. I live with my DP and this Christmas will be the first Christmas together as a couple. It also transpires that my parents and my younger brother are without a place to go this year so I've said that we'd happily have them down. I'm also going to be having my son from 4pm through until the 27th, and so this is a massive deal for me. I love Christmas and for the first time ever I am hosting Christmas in my house and I'll have my family with me rather than being on my own/with ex-p's mum and dad.

Trouble is - my DP hates Christmas. And by "hate" I mean "loathes with all the depths of Tartarus"... He will not discuss it, he will not participate in discussions, he will not be cooking dinner, he has steadfastly told me that I have to buy my own Christmas presents, wrap them, and then give them to myself - he won't even write the gift label! - and he won't watch Christmas films or listen to Christmas music.

He has explained that, due to various traumas and stigmas growing up, that he hates Christmas, and I'm trying really hard to accept that. But I adore Christmas, so my compromise has been that I'll tone it down if he puts up with it with minimal complaint. He then countered that he'll "pretend to care", but only when my son is around. I was okay with that.

Cut to yesterday. I bought my son his own Magic Key for Santa to use. He loves the idea, ExP has one, my mum has one, and its considered a tradition nowadays. Well DS showed DP it, all excited, and DPs response was to tell him that it wasn't necessary because Santa is magic anyway so I'm silly for buying it, as I should "know better"...

He claims that was him trying to get involved and now doesn't know why I'm so furious with him - I'm angry because he could have gone along with it for 30 seconds until it had passed rather than calling me out on being an idiot in front of my boy - and that if I'm that annoyed at his "participating" then he isn't going to tolerate Christmas any more. Even tried convincing me to take the tree down... (yes my tree is up...no I don't care! :D)

Christmas is a massive part of me, and of my life, and I can happily go along with anything that he likes that I don't, why can't he do that for me IYSWIM?

I've tried being understanding and sympathetic towards his feelings, but it's seeming like he doesn't care about my feelings so why should I give a damn about his? Has anyone got any ideas on how I can go forward with this?

You have your tree up?? It's the middle of Nov for god's sake.

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't have moved someone in after only a few months. He wouldn't have even met my children in that context yet. You can't bring people in and out of children's lives like that, it's not fair to them

I would treat him very gently and not put your tree up until later than 10 Dec. You can still enjoy your traditions as the time gets closer. Also of course Father Christmas is magic and can get in without a key!

He is very unreasonable re your ds and the key. However their might be a back story re his hate of christmas. My uncle used to hate christmas too and used to have beans on toast and refuse to come down on xmas day when he was a child. You know he doesnt like xmas so dont push it on him. Imagine something you hated being pshed on you. You havent got a tree up already have you? It is november still isnt it.

There not their

I would have more sympathy if you didn't have a tree up in the middle of November!!
Just tell him that as Christmas gets near (i.e after about 18th Dec) you will be doing christmas. Tell him he doesn't need to take part - he can stay in bed and do himself beans on toast, but if he does want to eat Christmas food he will have to take part with good grace.Don't do any shopping for him or pretend.
I think you need to question if the relationship has a future or would he just be better going off on his own for Christmas?

I can see why you put your tree up early, you are not living with your son and want him to enjoy as much Christmas as you as you can.

Your partner needs to realise it's not about him any more. It's about your son. Gawd knows how hard it is being a step parent but being the Grinch that stole Christmas is never a good look.

What exactly happened with the key? Did he tell you you were silly in front of DS? Or was that later? From what I understand in your OP your DP told DS Santa didn't need a key as he was magic and can get in anyway. When I was a kid Santa didn't need keys! He came down the chimney and if there wasn't one he'd make one to get in. (Our houses always had chimneys) I've never even heard of a magic key till now! Maybe that is what DP meant and so he really was joining in, in his eyes.
I do think you aren't holding up your end of the deal by having tree up already. I love Christmas and tree doesn't go up til mid-December. Also, your buying presents - fair enough, but have you been talking to DP about it? You could just not mention it.
Don't take the tree down if it'll upset DS. Sit down and talk to DP and discuss each of your expectations. I wouldn't say you need to LTB, but you definitely both need to compromise. Can't do that without talking!

I too hate Christmas for many reasons. It stirs up so many bad memories now that have cancelled all the good ones out. It's a massive amount of extra work on on a tight budget, but I do it to make it special for my dd.
Christmas with an alcoholic is awful, and you say your do works in hospitality so has Christmas rammed down his throat at work - this with the tree up is probably already making him feel like shit and he has until Jan 2nd to suck it up.
Give him a break. He probably never had anyone wanting to make Christmas special for him. The magic key idea is a nice one, but I guess what he was trying to say was Santa will always try and be there for boys and girls so doesn't need to have a key - the same as I used to say to my dd.
You really do need to find some middle ground - I'm struggling now too and I cannot stand the JL advert, to me it says Christmas is crap unless you have someone special who loves you

Why are you pandering to him? He seems determined to ruin Christmas for you and your son. I don't think he cares about Christmas, he just cares that it's all about him.

Do whatever you were going to do and tell him to go somewhere else for a week. Otherwise, whatever you do and however you try to make him happy, he'll be sitting there with a face liked a slapped arse. If you back down on this now, you'll be doing it forever more. He sounds like a joy sucking twat and should grow up.

I'm disappointed that your family isn't coming over. something you have been deprived of already. You are compromising about Christmas for him, now he should do something in return.

I strongly recommend that your DP gets counselling if he can't talk in detail to you about his past. Holding on to painful memories that are so damaging to the rest of his relationships need to be addressed to allow him to move on and create new, happy and positive memories. Otherwise his abusive alcoholic father will have won, even though he's dead.

DH's dad died in pretty horrible circumstances when he was a child, on Halloween. He has never liked halloween since, as a result. However, he realised that doesn't give him the right to shit all over the DC's enjoyment of it. He gets involved in the dressing up and everything else. It's difficult but he does it.
If your DH has had such a traumatic time of childhood Christmases, then maybe some counselling would benefit. My own DM had an alcoholic mother and had some pretty shit Christmases herself. Never stopped her making it the best time ever for us as children. Frankly she would never want to put someone through what she had to endure. Your DP sounds rather self absorbed to me, and either needs to deal with whatever these issues are, or stop sucking the joy out of it for everyone else.

He sounds like my biological father who is the biggest scrooge going. I'd tell him I was going to celebrate how I wanted and whether he chose to join in or not was his lookout, he is not going to rain on my parade!

I would have said that your partner is a dick outright BUT you have got your tree up in mid November. So I can kind of see why someone who loathes Christmas might be grumpy about it. I am Christmas mad, but 18th November?

That said, this isn't actually about Christmas. This is about pissing all over the imagination and dreams of a 3 year old. And the sheer selfishness of actively putting your own traumas onto a child. Ultimately, he is being a fool whether he has painful memories or not. He is actively choosing to let his alcoholic father to continue to control and ruin his life by dominating his future relationship with you and your son. He does not have to go overboard and become an Elf like you, but he could do a lot to make sure your son doesn't have the same experiences or bad memories he did. He is obviously content to wallow in the past rather than build a happy future.

I would therefore be questioning the entire relationship to be honest, as your partner should be doing more for him. He needs a kick up the backside here to make a choice about the past or the future. He does not have to revisit the past in order to do that, and that's the important bit he needs to get into his head (and yours - don't push him about details).

This thread has made me feel quite annoyed and sad. I get the impression the op will not be coming back because she didn't expect so many negative comments about her dp.

I lost a sibling in my early teens, they were a couple of years younger. My parents have mentioned since that those first few Christmases that followed were agony, but because they loved me and my other sibling they did their best for us.

I get that Christmas can be so difficult for many people. But ffs, the op's dp is an adult, who has chosen to enter a relationship and one that includes a child. How dare he use his issues/past to be so self-absorbed and miserable.

I know this sounds harsh but I've known the partners of two friends who "hated" Christmas and made everyone around them miserable. They were actually just both very controlling selfish men.

I know what I'd like to stuff the turkey with this year if I was the op !!

If my DH told me to 'do whatever the fuck I wanted', he'd be out the door. I certainly wouldn't be spoken to like that. DH also wouldn't dare tell me to buy and wrap my own gifts, he might ask me what I'd like or run a few ideas past me. Seriously, how difficult is it to order on Amazon with gift wrap?

Personally, if he can't be an adult about it then he wouldn't be a partner I'd be considering. Okay, so the tree was a bad idea, but it's done now. However if anyone was going to pee on DD's Christmas, I'd pack their bags for them. If he had a quiet word with you that he'd find it hard and might need to escape for a bit (DH and I have code word/phase to signal a walk in the fresh air) then fair enough. He's an adult, take a deep breath and get on with it.

I think you need to reassess your relationship as I don't see his attitude getting any better and you obviously love Christmas. This is going to rumble on every year.

I think it would be a deal breaker for me. The Christmas times with your son are going to be so precious for you both while he's young and this man is going to ruin all that. Put him on hold for 15 years.

And honestly, he may have some issues but your DS will have issues about how his stepfather ruined every Christmas and made his mum upset every December. He's meant to be a grown up now.

OP... you've got to start listening to him when he's telling you how he feels. For many people, Christmas growing up was not fun. As those children got older they've have to wax and wane and make adjustments for the sake of other people they love. Whilst the Christmas-hater may be able to cover it up to a degree, it doesn't change what's inside.

This over-jollity of yours is, I'm sure, borne from a wish to get your partner involved. He doesn't want to be. What he said about the Santa key was quite inspired really but it came across as gruff because it caught him on the hop, a subject he hates.

This is what I would do:

• Put the tree in your son's room.
• Encourage your partner to work throughout the holiday period and you'll all go on holiday afterwards from the extra money earned.
• As suggested, get a tv for your bedroom or a space that your partner can go to be away from all of this.
• Tell your partner that he can still play with your son's toys - that's a normal activity, not Christmas-related, as is eating a quiet dinner. Keep his warm in the oven whilst he's working - on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.
• Christmas at the right time of year... November is pathetic. Tell your son 'No'. What will it be next year? August?

You need to think about what you want and what the limitations of being with your partner will be on that. If you need to split up then do so, it's not as if either of you sound hugely invested.

But please, for the love of...er Christmas - stop trying to force him to be involved. It isn't going to happen. All you are doing is putting your son in the path of that sadness when it's being directed at you - stop. Stop all of it.

Have your Christmas with all its glory! If he doesn't like it he can deal with it or move out. Do not compromise on making happy memories with your child. Having said that, I do feel sorry that your partner has issues over Christmas (or anything else, for that matter) but I would stand firm over this particular one. Children are young for such a short time, so pack it full of happy Christmassy memories while you can. You sound like you have enough stress without dealing with a "chadult"

Id dump him

I also think you should listen to what your partner is saying, (or rather to what he is NOT saying. iyswim) It sounds like he has a reason to not like Xmas.

I have no particular reason to dislike Christmas but I really don't like it too be too OTT. It feels so forced if it's so full on.

Having a Christmas tree up now is really really early mine goes up a few days before Xmas. I think it makes it more special not less.

There are plenty of mumsnetters who find Christmas difficult - it's why Christmas chat is meant to be kept to the Christmas threads until closer to Christmas.

You DP has said he would make an effort for your DC. I would wait and see how he manages with this. Telling you to 'do what the fuck you like' isn't nice though. Does he usually speak to you like that? If so then that's a whole other matter.

I don't agree with tiptoeing around this man. I certainly don't think the christmas tree should be moved to the son's bedroom. What if the dp has to pass one in a shopping centre or window display, is the op going to throw a towel over his head so he can't see it?

What if he doesn't work christmas day ? Are the op and son going to eat their christmas dinner in the garden. And if a carol or christmas record comes on the radio, is she supposed to rush over and turn it off ?

Grrrrrrrrr................

It's November... the tree can move there if it's so important to the son that it's up in NOVEMBER.

It's about consideration for ALL in the household. Partner may feel as if he shouldn't be absent on the Christmas days, it may be the best option for everybody.

I don't think OP mentioned anything about irrational behaviour at the non-stop Christmas stuff outside the home (in Nov-flipping-ember) but when it's in your home, that's different.

Do you have a furball? :)

I wouldn't tiptoe around him either.. Some people have strange thoughts

This is a mother who only sees her kid 3 days a week and she's being expected to tone it down and tiptoe about at the whim of a man? Fuck the fuck off with bells on at that idea.

The OPs family are coming and so is her child.. she wants to do the big Christmas. Very sad her dude didn't have a good onel as a kid but he is in charge of his own life and can remove himself while recognising these are HIS OWN issues and he doesn't have the right to inflict them on everyone else.

The little boy in the middle of all of this is not in charge of his own life and why should he have shitty Christmases on eggshells because of an adult?

The fact is if the small thing of the Christmas tree being put up in December hadn't have been mentioned I doubt there would be many pander to the man posts imo.

Neither me nor my dh are Christmas fans but we suck it up and pull out all the stops for th dc's. He is s bit selfish sounding.