AIBU about Christmas?

[AmericanFanjoStory]

This may be long, so for that I sincerely apologise...!

I'm the NRP to my 3yo DS, I have him 3 days a week and occasionally over weekends. I live with my DP and this Christmas will be the first Christmas together as a couple. It also transpires that my parents and my younger brother are without a place to go this year so I've said that we'd happily have them down. I'm also going to be having my son from 4pm through until the 27th, and so this is a massive deal for me. I love Christmas and for the first time ever I am hosting Christmas in my house and I'll have my family with me rather than being on my own/with ex-p's mum and dad.

Trouble is - my DP hates Christmas. And by "hate" I mean "loathes with all the depths of Tartarus"... He will not discuss it, he will not participate in discussions, he will not be cooking dinner, he has steadfastly told me that I have to buy my own Christmas presents, wrap them, and then give them to myself - he won't even write the gift label! - and he won't watch Christmas films or listen to Christmas music.

He has explained that, due to various traumas and stigmas growing up, that he hates Christmas, and I'm trying really hard to accept that. But I adore Christmas, so my compromise has been that I'll tone it down if he puts up with it with minimal complaint. He then countered that he'll "pretend to care", but only when my son is around. I was okay with that.

Cut to yesterday. I bought my son his own Magic Key for Santa to use. He loves the idea, ExP has one, my mum has one, and its considered a tradition nowadays. Well DS showed DP it, all excited, and DPs response was to tell him that it wasn't necessary because Santa is magic anyway so I'm silly for buying it, as I should "know better"...

He claims that was him trying to get involved and now doesn't know why I'm so furious with him - I'm angry because he could have gone along with it for 30 seconds until it had passed rather than calling me out on being an idiot in front of my boy - and that if I'm that annoyed at his "participating" then he isn't going to tolerate Christmas any more. Even tried convincing me to take the tree down... (yes my tree is up...no I don't care! :D)

Christmas is a massive part of me, and of my life, and I can happily go along with anything that he likes that I don't, why can't he do that for me IYSWIM?

I've tried being understanding and sympathetic towards his feelings, but it's seeming like he doesn't care about my feelings so why should I give a damn about his? Has anyone got any ideas on how I can go forward with this?

No, don't dial it back, seriously.

I have a thing about christmas, for a personal but not weird reason, I can't get very excited about it until its on top of us. IT actually gets me down a bit. But you know what, I have children and a partner and extended family and friends and while my feelings matter they are NEVER an excuse to shit on anyone elses fun and enjoyment. So I make the sodding effort in a fake it til you make it way, because thats what you do when you love people.

He's a grown man, and you are a mother trying to make it nice for your son, and enjoying that process. He needs to get a grip of himself and ask himself one question: does he hate christmas more than he loves you? It's that simple.

I love Christmas, but I honestly can't understand people who put the tree up in November, especially if they live with a man who doesn't embrace the festive season.

Grocklebox, that's exactly the right question. 'Does he hate Christmas more than he loves you?' The very nub of the problem!

Equally "Do you love Christmas more than you love him?"

Meet in the middle, make new traditions, celebrate midwinter instead, eat different (not just cheaper and less nice) food, and make the focus about making it a happy time for your family to be together, not an identikit consumer bonanza that he's not unreasonable not to embrace. Don't do a pale imitation, do a different version.

Is he miserable about birthdays and holidays too though?

I think you started a bit early... however he's acting like an overgrown sulky child. I would be inclined to sit him down and have a conversation about what he would be willing to accept for a Christmas that will be fun for you and your son. If it's his way or the highway then I honestly would show him the door. If he'll accept something smaller scale that maybe starts a couple of weeks before Christmas I wouldn't think that so bad. I'd be pretty horrified if I was surrounded by Christmas preparations this early to be honest!
But... if he is going to be nasty and sulky about Christmas whatever shape and form it takes, then to me that shows that he's prepared to spoil and destroy the happiness of you and your son with no compromise. Is that a foundation for a happy life together? I don't think so.

snice- sounds just like my OH. His own mother dies when he was 10 months old leaving him and his two brothers aged 2 and 3 years old with their widowed father. THe boys never did christmas, so he really doesn't get it.
However there are things he has learned to enjoy about christmas.
He wouldn't wrap or bake or enjoy making decorations, but he loves christmas music, traditional especially. He loves a christmas tipple, he can relax at 4pm with a glass of port or sherry, he loves all the posh cheese and other food, and enjoys cooking.

Most of all he enjoys seeing our children having a good time. So in his own way he has learned to enjoy christmas. I don't mind that he isn't interested in running the christmas show, but if he is supporting from the sidelines and remaining good humoured then I am happy.

I see where he's coming from, but I think it's sad he doesn't seem prepared to try and change his perception of Christmas with new traditions, eg baking gingerbread, or making Christmas cards. Inexpensive but fun.

I think it was a big mistake to put the tree up this early (my DCs have asked, my reply is "don't be silly, it's not Xmas yet is it! :)" at which they shrug and go on their way) but I see why it would be a bad idea to take it down, if it would really upset your DS.

However I don't think you should start it so early next year, it does seem like rubbing his (DP's) nose in it.

Could you not just sit down and discuss it? He has a right to not love Christmas, both of my parents disliked it, but he needs to be adult enough to put that aside when there are children and other people involved. If he can't put you and your son ahead of his own likes and dislikes for such an important occasion then I'm afraid it might not bode well for the future

OK, I do think you made a mistake in putting up a Christmas tree in mid-November when you know you are living with a self-confessed Christmas hater but on the other hand, his dislike of Christmas is no excuse for making things thoroughly unhappy for everyone else.

This man strikes me as a selfish, and joyless, individual who isn't really interested in anyone other than himself. It isn't SO hard, surely, to make some effort for you and your ds? Nobody is asking him to develop a sudden and insincere love of Christmas but if he can't be arsed to do more than be bloody miserable then I don't see a lot of future in your relationship.

He can come live with me
We can hate Christmas together.

So because he had no money when he was small and had shit Christmases, he feels like your child should have shit ones too?
no one is asking him to wear elf ears while being anal fisted by a man dressed as Santa holding a holly branch ffs.
all he is being asked to do is put the feelings of his family a bit higher up the list and understand that knowing how horrible his Christmases were as a child and how it has effected him now even as a grown up,you would think he would want to make the effort to make sure that your son has the chance to have something better

If he's the type that loathes Christmas and your the type that has their tree up by 18th November, then there really is no middle ground here.

I think he sounds so selfish and awful.

I cant belive he cant hide his feelings for sake of his new love and her son, who understandably loves christmas.

Its much easier for him to let go of his past baggage than for you to suddenly stop christmas in line with him.

To be honest I would say you both need counselling because to me this presents a larger issue in your relationship and i couldnt move forward with someone who didnt want to work on this. if he wont go to relate then i think you have a big problem on your hands

Can't you just ignore him and get on with it?

I know it must seem disappointing, and I can see why Christmas is a big deal for you this year in particular, but you're having the big day the way you'd like, and he's agreed to it happening. I think it's too much to ask him to like it as well!

If you just get on with it, don't involve him in the festivities unless he asks to join in, then you'll both have a nicer time.

Really, it's big lunch, presents, tree, magic of Santa, and you're covering all those bases already. It was a bit mean and thoughtless of your DP to rain on your son's parade, but can't you just treat it like a difference of religions - everyone's entitled to believe what they like?

I think you are both being selfish TBH.

Nope, the man is being selfish. This is also around the time in relationships when a man who is an arsehole starts to show it. He's making it all about him, which is how things will continue. He is actively trying to ensure that OP has her Christmas spoilt.
Kick him out. Never indulge a selfish man, just get rid and move on.

no one is asking him to wear elf ears while being anal fisted by a man dressed as Santa holding a holly branch ffs.

Why does this suddenly remind me of that classic MN "Shitting Elf" thread?

(Sorry for diversion)

Hi all.

He's calmed down and apologised. Apparently Christmas isn't just about thr money, it's something to do with his alcoholic father who died a few years ago, but he can't or won't say more and I'm not going to press him.

He wants to make the effort, because I described the Christmas traditions that I want to start with him, but for now we're relaxing about it. My family isn't going to come over so it will just be the two of us until my boy comes over.

I'm really hoping we can work through this, but it's like the thought of the festive period makes him physically ill :/ thank you to everyone for the advice.

When you are a parent and choose to enter a new relationship, then first thing you have to ask yourself is 'will this person be a positive in the life of my child/ren?". Someone who is willing to brush off a small excited child and criticise that child's parent to them is not going to be ticking many boxes in the positive column for me.

You say that your family isn't going to come over now, it appeared they were before. Have you decided on this because it's easier to cope with him without them there? If you have that's one hell of a slippery slope you're on.

I'm sorry, but I think he's childish and mean. Does his background mean he has issues with Easter, Halloween, Bonfire night, Valentine's Day, etc.

I would be embarrassed as an adult to even suggest that the thought of Christmas made me physically ill - it's ridiculous.

A man who can't make an effort for my 3yo child wouldn't be welcome in my house any day of the year.

I think you should forget fretting about Xmas and start thinking about whether this man deserves to be part of your life - and your son's.

Ive seen this on threads before. Men moaning they dont like Christmas in the entire run up to it and refusing to wrap presents or write cards etc. Then recovering from this just in time to enjoy dinner on Christmas Day.

Absolutely nothing to do with trying to get out of doing all the shitwork in the run up to it of course.

I think you have rushed into this relationship. - This whole issue can't have come as as surprise surely? If it has then perhaps you need to have got t o know this guy a little better beforesetting up home together.